Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thursday, July 21, 2016
When life gets turned upside down and you dont know what you want in life anymore - personal post
Time is only a perception and how we percieve it. A minute can fly by like no time at all and other times a minute feels like a lifetime. And sometimes in just a few moments it can feel like your life has turned upside down. You feel like time stops for a while and you are in a standstill while everything else keeps going on around you.
Recently i havent wanted to be home at all, and been so incredibly thankful for my 9-11 hour shifts at work, and even when i finish at 9.30pm i havent wanted to go home... ive wanted to go sit somewhere on my own and refuse to head home.
Why is all of this? Well 1) My dad began to read my blog and read about my depression and 2) My mum decided to confront me about how i was feeling and 3) She told me that i needed to seek help which she will help me with and that 4) if i dont get better she doesnt want me to move away to study.
Of course while i write this i realise this is the exact same advice i give to all my readers i.e 1) Seek help and treatment and 2) Realise that health comes before school, always.
However - now i am just being hypocritical i guess - i am in a SO MUCH BETTER place than before. I.e 85% better and not as negative or have as many negative thoughts about life, infact i am happy about autumn and moving away and beginning to study again. Even if i know that school does stress me out. But my mum thinks that me moving to another city to study is just me running from my problems - that i want to escape what is going on in my head, by moving to a new city. That however isnt the case. I moved away in spring - my depression was still there, but it has gotten better and infact living on my own and just sorting through my own problems helped.
However in combination with my weightloss, my decreasing CF health and my lack of coping with stress and maybe living an 8 hour car journey away from my family, my mum isnt exactly super happy about that possibility.
Of course i am determined to move away, and not because i want to run from my problems. I have written 100 times before, that you cant run from your problems. You cant use coping mechanisms or just keep moving from place to place when the problems are inside your head. Self harm, drugs, alcohol, exercise... they all stop working eventually and the problems will still be there, but worse. So i am not trying to run from my problems, infact i am dealing with them on a daily.... and if anything, everything that is going on in my life right now (there is more going on in my personal life and such which i am choosing to not post on here) is just making me feel worse. It is making me want to not be at home, not be anywhere.
And i am honest, at the moment work is an escape for me. It is a way for me to not think, to just work... so that my day is basically just wake up, eat, work, home, sleep.
It is so hard and confusing to write this post because i realise just how hypocritical i sound? But i guess no one can really know how i feel or what is the truth. But i know that i am so much better and that i dont want to have to give up my university place, because i know i would feel 10 times worse if autumn rolls around and i have nothing... no school and no work and just a life that is upside down at the moment.
Though i feel like at the moment i just need to take one day at a time. It helped to write this post - make me see some sense in my whole life/situation right now, and i believe that whatever happens is supposed to happen.
However one thing which i cant help but be very angry/irritated over is that when i was in my absaloute worst in my depression - and the signs and symptoms were very obvious (or maybe i am just a very good actress?), nobody did anything. Though when i talked to my mum about this, and asked her why she didnt try to do anything last year when i was very suicidal and could completely zone out and just sit in the kitchen and stare into the wall for hours or i would sit in my room and cry.... but she said she didnt know... she didnt know how bad i had it.
Of course that is understandable - they cant read minds. So this is a reminder to all of you - communicate how you feel, because family and friends wont know if you dont tell them. even if you think it is obvious and people should just "Know" how you feel, they often dont and it is up to you to talk and tell people how they can help.
Anyway... my plan is that tomorrow, my first free day this week, and i am going to sit down with my parents and just make some sort of plan of action.... maybe how they can help, whether i start therapy etc etc And of course i would love to just skip the whole conversation and keep living life, but i know i cant keep avoiding the conversation. I have had work to keep me busy and keep me from talking, but i know i cant avoid it forever, hahaha.
Such a long post, and i feel like i could write forever. But i guess i just wanted to let you all in on my life a little at the moment. And the truth is, i am doing so much better... but i guess when my mum found out about how bad i had it last year (via my blog) then she is worried and wants to do her best to help and she knows how i dont cope well with stress or school and its understandable that is worried if i move away from home and cant cope with that stress as well as no communication skills.
So... life feels a bit upside down at the moment. 101 racing thoughts in my mind at all times, but i am coping anyway, hahahah.