Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, July 21, 2016

When life gets turned upside down and you dont know what you want in life anymore - personal post

Time is only a perception and how we percieve it. A minute can fly by like no time at all and other times a minute feels like a  lifetime. And sometimes in just a few moments it can feel like your life has turned upside down. You feel like time stops for a while and you are in a standstill while everything else keeps going on around you.

Recently i havent wanted to be home at all, and been so incredibly thankful for my 9-11 hour shifts at work, and even when i finish at 9.30pm i havent wanted to go home... ive wanted to go sit somewhere on my own and refuse to head home.

Why is all of this? Well 1) My dad began to read my blog and read about my depression and 2) My mum decided to confront me about how i was feeling and 3) She told me that i needed to seek help which she will help me with and that 4) if i dont get better she doesnt want me to move away to study.

Of course while i write this i realise this is the exact same advice i give to all my readers i.e 1) Seek help and treatment and 2) Realise that health comes before school, always.

However - now i am just being hypocritical i guess - i am in a SO MUCH BETTER place than before. I.e 85% better and not as negative or have as many negative thoughts about life, infact i am happy about autumn and moving away and beginning to study again. Even if i know that school does stress me out. But my mum thinks that me moving to another city to study is just me running from my problems - that i want to escape what is going on in my head, by moving to a new city. That however isnt the case. I moved away in spring - my depression was still there, but it has gotten better and infact living on my own and just sorting through my own problems helped.

However in combination with my weightloss, my decreasing CF health and my lack of coping with stress and maybe living an 8 hour car journey away from my family, my mum isnt exactly super happy about that possibility. 

Of course i am determined to move away, and not because i want to run from my problems. I have written 100 times before, that you cant run from your problems. You cant use coping mechanisms or just keep moving from place to place when the problems are inside your head. Self harm, drugs, alcohol, exercise... they all stop working eventually and the problems will still be there, but worse. So i am not trying to run from my problems, infact i am dealing with them on a daily.... and if anything, everything that is going on in my life right now (there is more going on in my personal life and such which i am choosing to not post on here) is just making me feel worse. It is making me want to not be at home, not be anywhere.

And i am honest, at the moment work is an escape for me. It is a way for me to not think, to just work... so that my day is basically just wake up, eat, work, home, sleep. 

It is so hard and confusing to write this post because i realise just how hypocritical i sound? But i guess no one can really know how i feel or what is the truth. But i know that i am so much better and that i dont want to have to give up my university place, because i know i would feel 10 times worse if autumn rolls around and i have nothing... no school and no work and just a life that is upside down at the moment.

Though i feel like at the moment i just need to take one day at a time. It helped to write this post - make me see some sense in my whole life/situation right now, and i believe that whatever happens is supposed to happen.

However one thing which i cant help but be very angry/irritated over is that when i was in my absaloute worst in my depression - and the signs and symptoms were very obvious (or maybe i am just a very good actress?), nobody did anything. Though when i talked to my mum about this, and asked her why she didnt try to do anything last year when i was very suicidal and could completely zone out and just sit in the kitchen and stare into the wall for hours or i would sit in my room and cry.... but she said she didnt know... she didnt know how bad i had it. 

Of course that is understandable - they cant read minds. So this is a reminder to all of you - communicate how you feel, because family and friends wont know if you dont tell them. even if you think it is obvious and people should just "Know" how you feel, they often dont and it is up to you to talk and tell people how they can help.

Anyway... my plan is that tomorrow, my first free day this week, and i am going to sit down with my parents and just make some sort of plan of action.... maybe how they can help, whether i start therapy etc etc And of course i would love to just skip the whole conversation and keep living life, but i know i cant keep avoiding the conversation. I have had work to keep me busy and keep me from talking, but i know i cant avoid it forever, hahaha.

Such a long post, and i feel like i could write forever. But i guess i just wanted to let you all in on my life a little at the moment. And the truth is, i am doing so much better... but i guess when my mum found out about how bad i had it last year (via my blog) then she is worried and wants to do her best to help and she knows how i dont cope well with stress or school and its understandable that is worried if i move away from home and cant cope with that stress as well as no communication skills.

So... life feels a bit upside down at the moment. 101 racing thoughts in my mind at all times, but i am coping anyway, hahahah.


  1. Hi Izzy. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think moving away for university is actually very healthy. It helps you find yourself and grow up more. Or at least that's what I'm hoping to get out of it. I know you are very independent already. But I can also see why your mom is concerned. I think she's worried that the stress will be too much and things will get unbearable. And I think she wants to protect you from that. Because you are still young (although older than me, I'll admit! :) ) but I was thinking about you this morning and I know it's up to you, but I really do hope you'll seek help and consider going on antidepressants. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a chemical imbalance and it can help you to have one less obstacle to tackle. Please consider it. It's not always something that positive thinking can cure. Sometimes you need external help and I hope you'll get that. You have so much potential and I really really don't want you to self destruct. Please look after yourself.

    1. Thank you :) I dont know if i will go on anti depressants (i dont think its anything shameful but i already take strong medications due to my CF and they can give me mood swings and such and i know that anti depressants can take away those mood swings but i feel like at times i would rather feel the strong emotions than to feel nothing at all?). But i am going to try other forms of medication i.e herbs and such and see if it helps :)

    2. When you are on antidepressents you still feel things, you can still function - they just help you balance your thoughts so that you can deal with things. I still take mine and can say I have never felt "numb" or unable to feel anything, they just stop the extremes of mood inbalance and overall make life more achievable and bearable.

  2. Whoa I'm going through something super similar. I'm about to graduate from uni into a profession that helps people with mental health issues. I'm able to recognize other people that need help and know the advice to give but myself? nope haha. And I'm currently doing an internship at an agency that has a mental health worker and he was able to pick up on some stuff going on even if I didn't talk about it. And he told me I need to seek help and talk to someone. Of course I said I'm totally fine and there's nothing wrong. Even if I would tell others to get help. My thoughts are also that I am so much better than I was in the past and when I was at my worst nobody stepped in to help me. I also moved 10 hours away from my family and ended up putting myself back together. The move did me a lot of good. Honestly for you it could either really help you or it could make things a lot worse. What is important is that you know what to do if it does make it worse. Will you get help? Do you have someone you can talk to if it gets worse? I'd recommend setting up a safety plan with your family for if anything goes wrong while you're away. I do recommend moving though. It's important for you to feel like your life has a purpose and you know what you're doing with it. If your family takes that away from you then it can make things a lot worse. Just remember that this is your life and you can do what you want with it. Don't let others hold you back. But also make sure that you're taking care of yourself.
    I know how frustrating it is to have people step in like this and everything gets tipped upside down. It's like one minute you have a plan and you're happy and then the next you're questioning everything and not to sure what the future holds. It's scary. Especially when the people around you don't understand how you feel. They want to help but they may not go about it in the best way.

    1. Thank you so much for this, i definitely needed to read this. And the safety plan sounds like a very good idea!
      I hope things get better for you as well. I guess it is so much easier to give advice to others - as you know what is right and best - but following it yourself isnt the easiest. Though i try to not be hypocritical and the advice i give is the advice i follow myself, but i guess i just dont feel like therapy would help me as all the therapists i have gone to i havent been allowed to go back to as i have just sat or stood silent for the sessions i have been forced to go to. But i guess there are other forms of help as well :) I hope you have a lovely week and that you find that you can follow your own advice about help as well!! I guess we all know whats best, we just need to follow that advice ourselves!

  3. I hope you manage to have your conversation with your family and that you arrive at a resolution that is satisfactory to all of you. I can understand how your mum is concerned for you and I`ve got to admit I think you are taking a chance by going away to uni right now, given your health problems as well as ongoing anxiety and depression. I think if I was in your position I would be inclined to defer uni for year and spend the time getting my physical and mental health back on track.
    After all, uni is always going to be there whereas your health may not, and health always has to come before grades. I realise this is probably going right against what you really want but deferring for a year doesn't mean that all your hopes and dreams are lost - you can follow them when you are feeling better in yourself, and think of how much more capable you will be after getting your health back on track.
    I don`t know if you will accept therapy of any kind, or think about medication - but can I just say that both can work wonders. There is no shame in taking anti depressants - please don`t feel that - and learning different coping strategies through therapy is really helpful in your day to day life.
    In the end though it is your illness and your health and only you can decide what is best and right for you. I really hope you will accept help for your own sake as I hate to see you struggling with this and I`m sure your family just want to help you and want whats best for you also.
    Good luck and I hope you can all come to a decision that is right for you all.

  4. Ehhh, my two cents is that therapy is a helpful tool for EVERYONE, regardless of whether one is actually or currently struggling with specific issues or not. Done correctly (and willingly and openly and honestly ) therapy can be terrific for personal growth, increasing self-awareness, developing emotional maturity, etc. And honestly, in my experience, some of the best and most helpful work I ever did in therapy occurred when I wasn't actually in any kind of crisis at that moment. Therapy is not just for crises. In fact, it was often after my own crises had past, when I had a level head, some emotional distance, some hindsight, and my defensive or self-protective side was down, that I got the most out of my sessions and retained the most afterward. Instead of feeling silly, or that it's unnecessary now, or that your folks are overreacting - you could try viewing this as actually a solid time to do some groundwork and lay some foundation for the future. The worst part of mental illness is the cyclical nature of them - getting trapped, getting free, only to find yourself trapped again. Instead of digging out of the hole next time, think about now being a good time to work on building a bridge to be able to walk over the hole next time. Worst case scenario, you don't find it very helpful. So what, you're no worse off, and you can go back to doing whatever by yourself. Best case scenario, it ends up being helpful and you'll walk away with more isight, more tools, and a brighter future. It sucks feeling "caught out" by those who love us, it threatens the very walls we built to protect ourselves and leaves us feeling open, vulnerable, and angry. But really it can be an opportunity. It's all I our perception. Good luck, I see this as real potential win, not a corner you're backedninto :)

  5. You're angry that no one in your family didn't help you, but then again you won't even take help if you get it because you just want to run from your problems and don't think therapy will help? Well it won't help you if you don't tell them how you feel and use the tools you are given. You are an adult now, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. I know it can be hard and I sound very harsh now but I just want you to wake up from your bubble, your "safety zone". I know because I've been there myself. Your readers, and me included, have suggested therapy for you in over a year time now, so you can't say that nobody wanted to help you. WE ALL want to help you and want you to get better, but time after time you ignore it and just keep "living" or what it is that you do. People notice if there is something wrong and we have all been worried about you. I understand that you have bad thoughts about treatment, because you actually never wanted help. You didn't follow the instructions Mando gave you, and that's why you weren't healthy even if you got declared healthy. Your thoughts and behaviour were still disordered, though of course MUCH better than before. You have come so far and done a hell of a job, because you have worked your own way to healthiness, and that is incredible!! So don't let these last parts stop you from FULLY living your life!! You need help with your thoughts, and if you actually WANT to get better, then you will find therapy helpful, i promise! So please please for the 100th time.. SEEK HELP! <3

  6. Sweetie, I've been reading off and on since your depression started, and while I can totally relate,... have you ever considered that maybe, perhaps, you're relapsing? or teetering on a borderline relapse? I suggest this because when your slump began, it seemed that way to me, but I thought to wait a while and see what pans out. But now, I really think it's prudent that I mention this because I myself am experiencing much of what you are, and have recently semi relapsed myself. It's merely a suggestion to consider, if you haven't already. Stay bright, sunshine

    1. I have thought this for awhile now too, but didn't like to say. You have struggled on for so long but still you get anxiety - and loosing weight doesn't help and can be a symptom of depression too. I really admire your strength to try to stay positive and the fact that you have made some progress, but maybe now its time to admit that you need that little bit of extra help? please seek that help before you get totally overwhelmed - depression can spiral quickly and I don`t want to see you go down that route - I know because it happened to me. start picking up the pieces now before it gets worse.
      take care and know that we are trying to help you and care very much