Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, July 10, 2016

When anxiety and panic hit

Mood and thoughts can change so incredibly quickly. You can go from one state of mind to another in just a few short moments and it is not always able to be controlled.

Friday was a rather good day, i felt at peace and happy - or well, netiher happy or sad, just "was". But then Friday evening, out of nowhere the negative thoughts and anxiety hit me hard and i end up spending half the night awake due to the anxiety and thoughts and just the overwhelming emotions and not knowing why i felt the way i did.

Quote on anxiety: This is one of the most frustrating things about having an anxiety disorder; knowing as you're freaking out that there's no reason to be freaked out. But lacking the ability to shut the emotion down.

When i finally woke up on Saturday morning i felt the same way i did in the evening, but this time worse. Because i felt panic as well.... a sort of "i want to disappear feeling". I didnt want to be at home, i didnt want to work, i didnt want to go for a walk, i didnt want to go to the gym.... i just wanted the day to be over, or more accuratly i wanted to disappear. Not only did i feel anxious and paniced but also had many fear thoughts about the future and had the feeling of "i dont want to anymore... i dont want another day, i dont want the next 24 hours, 48 hours or next week or month. I just want it to be over." Bare in mind that this was all at 7.30am on Saturday morning.

I knew that the day would be rough when i have that mindset in the morning, not to mention that i wanted to cry every 10 minutes, which is not something that ever happens to me. But things just felt too much in some weird sense, because things arent too much. I was happy and at peace and looking forward to the future just 48 hours ago, and now suddenly just the thought of the future scared me and i wanted to disappear and cry.

After 90 minutes of feeling that panicked and anxious and "need to escape my own mind" i told myself, 'go to the gym - if i get there and decide i dont want to workout, then i'll do something else. But just go there and see if i feel better'. So i made my way there, wanting to cry the whole time but once i got to the gym and plugged in my music, then i felt so much better for those 45 minutes... all my thoughts gone, could just do something i enjoyed and feel at peace. Though of course like i wrote in the previous post, "You can't run from your problems." And that includes using exercise as an escape or coping mechanism. However that wasnt the case here, instead i knew i would feel better afterwards and i did want to workout so it wasnt that i forced myself to workout - that doesnt work for me, if my mind doesnt want to workout then the workout is useless because i can barely do anything.

After my workout yesterday and when i got back into the changing room, my thoughts were still there however i felt atleast a bit better and was able to give myself a pep talk for the 9 hours of work awaiting me. I had to sit for a while and just mentally be my own cheerleader and coach and get myself to think more positive - so by the time i finally got to work i was feeling atleast 60% better compared to the morning, and then throughout the day i felt progressively better and of course progressively tired.

But my work shift was atleast manageable and i got through it - something i didnt think i would be able to do that morning.

As mentioned at the start, thoughts and mood and emotions can change so quickly and also emotions can be so overwhelming. They definitely were for me yesterday.

But distractions are important and also trying to get out of your current surroundings, do something different or just get out of the house or wherever you may be. But of course talking or writing are always good ideas, but for me personally i need to either just "sit with my emotions" as that keeps me from doing something stupid i.e when i have such strong emotions i can be so out of it that if i leave the house my risk for getting hit by a car or cyclist increase with 80% because i dont focus on my surroundings. I.e i once got hit by a bus because i just walked right out onto the street as i was so overwhelmed with what was going on in my mind, and the same thing has happened with a car before. But other times, the best thing that helps is just leaving the house and going for a walk or the gym or even going to a cafe or a store or the library and just not being at home for a while and not being alone either.

Know that emotions and thoughts can change and that they wont last forever. So if you find yourself caught in overwhelming feelings or emotions, they will pass... just keep yourself from doing something you might regret but also reach out for help if possible. And try to find what works for you to make you feel better which DOESNT involve any negative coping mechanisms!!

Today i atleast feel alot better and not so overcome with emotions or anxiety, but not feeling super excited or happy or ready for life either... but i'm going to keep trying to think positive and do my best to have a good day anyway! So i hope you all enjoy your Sunday and have a great day :)


  1. I'm sorry you had to go through this... but thank you for writing about it.
    All very best wishes for today.

  2. Maybe you're going to have your period soon? I always feel the way you describe the days before I get it, even if I feel fine otherwise! I hope you feel better soon, and, I really hope you search help for this.. someone to talk to. Because it's too much to handle on your own, nobody can cope with all that anxiety and thoughts by themselves. As you write, you can't run away from your feelings by training or other things, because then you don't deal with the actual problem. I wish that you could go see a therapist or something, because I think that would help you a lot with your struggle. I mean, you're almost there! Living a happy and healthy life, you just have to get rid of that last part <3

  3. Please talk to someone even though you do not want to :(
    You do not deserve to suffer like this, Izzy. It is not normal, you need help. I mean that as a positive advice. Thank you for sharing your experience though. I am sure many can relate unfortionately, and they should seek help aswell!

  4. Hey Izzy! I don't want to "write off" this as that time of the month but I also feel exactly like this right before my period - hopeless, enraged, suicidal, despairing, wanting to disappear, all in the extreme. It is a sign of PMDD - a more extreme form of PMS when you are affected intensely by dysphoria of sorts. Birth control helped to lessen it for me, but that is of course individual. Hormones are so incredibly strong, it can be awful. It usually happens anywhere from 1-7 days before my period then the moment it starts, I feel 100% fine (or as close to fine as I was previously). Also knowing it's just that helps a tiny bit (though not much). If it's not before your period, maybe something has happened or is going to happen that triggered it, even if seemingly small or insignificant? I hope you rest and take care and feel better. Just want you to know you're not alone and not crazy.

  5. I was thinking about this last night - how to deal with anxiety and I got to thinking about the things I used to do when I was going through it. Distraction for me was the major key, anything to take my mind off my feelings and occupy my head with something else. I suppose you could call them coping mechanisms and they were pretty screwed up to start with as I took them to extreme. Everyday I would go out for a 2-3 hour walk, sometimes doing it twice. And then I would clean the house from top to bottom - moving all the furniture and hoovering behind it, changing beds, washing windows etc. Then I would spend the afternoon either ironing or cooking and baking. I would do this everyday and it was exhausting. I used to get up at the crack of dawn and go to bed very late but from somewhere I had all this manic energy that wouldn't let me stop until I felt I had got everything done. This all changed when a nurse from the crisis centre came on a home visit and remarked that the house was like a show home. She knew exactly what was going on and arranged for me to go out of the house everyday on an activity scheme with the centre. At first I panicked because my "routine" was disrupted and would be in floods of tears at the centre begging them to let me go home as I had things to do there - but they never did. This backfired a bit on them because I then developed a real aversion to being at home at all, I hated being there and would aim to spend my every waking moment out of the house. Luckily my nurse continued to give me a schedule of daily activities I would attend so I was out of the house and that got me through the phase. All this went on for about a year before things settled down and I became "normal" again - able to clean when necessary and to spend time in the house. It was hard work maintaining my "schedule" and even harder to break it, but eventually through CBT I managed it.
    You can get through your anxiety but it is tough going, and I have no idea if I would have been able to do it on my own as you are - in honesty I don`t think I could have. I would urge you to seek some help with dealing with your anxiety Izzy as no one should have to feel they have to struggle on alone. I know its easy to put the bad days behind you when you get a run of "good" days but those bad days can suddenly overwhelm you. Help is available out there in many shape and form , you just have to find what suits you.
    Also, do you think you are getting enough of your B vitamins? Vitamin B plays a huge part in hormonal and nervous system health. Caffiene could also be a contributing factor to your anxiety - it is well known that it can cause those feelings in people. Why not try having a hot milky drink before you go to bed at night - that may soothe you enough to stop your thoughts ruminating and stop your anxiety developing at night. Just some thoughts.
    I hope you are having a better time of it now and are feeling more settled in yourself. Please don`t feel you are alone with this and know that you can always write out your thoughts and feelings on here if you feel unable to talk to anyone. It seems like a lot of us on here have had/got anxiety too so even though it is distant contact at least we can support you :)
    Take care and remember to be kind to yourself:)