Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, July 6, 2016

The fear of being human with basic human needs

Sometimes when i think about my time that i struggled with an eating disorder i realise how scared i was of just being human and having basic human needs. I didnt think i deserved anything or didnt need anything, not even food or water and at times would hold my breath so long i would feel dizzy, thinking that i didnt need the oxygen as well as checking if i could somehow kill myself by not breathing - though of course human reflexes always kick in when it comes to holding your breathe.

When i was sick i didnt think i deserved food or water like other people, i knew people  needed them to survive but i thought i would be fine without them. I wasnt worthy of food or water. I wasn't worthy of new clothes, new items i wanted or even to sleep in a comfortable bed. I often lay on the floor in our house or i stood up because i wasnt allowed the comfort of relaxation or to lie in a soft bed. I didnt think i deserved love or any form of attention - attention for me was bad, even the good attention was something i didnt deserve. If people ever complimented me or said they were proud because i got a good grade or accomplished something, i would get angry at that person. Wondering, why couldnt they see or understand that i wasnt worthy of that attention or their compliments. I would tell myself that i was weak and useless and unworthy, i was an awful human being and everything about me was wrong and i deserved nothing good or nothing i wanted.

That was how i lived my life and how i felt. I was scared of being human. I pushed people away, for many reasons such as 1) if people were too close they would see my behaviours, 2) they would try to make me change, 3) i prefered being on my own and 4) i didnt think i deserved love or any form of affection. At times i can still struggle with this mindset that i dont deserve love, attention or affection from everyone and push people away because of that, but also it is a safety thing for me to push people away and something i still do i.e isolate myself.

While i was sick i never treated myself to anything, that was greedy and not something i deserved. No matter how badly i wanted something and even if i had the money i wouldnt even mentioned i wanted the item and i wouldnt buy it for myself, and if i ever recieved presents from people for example on Christmas or my birthday i would do my best to prolong the time until i finally had to open the present and then i would just want to give it back. Or i would almost get a little angry at the person giving me the present, because i felt guilty for accepting the present, i was doing something wrong according to my mindset and if the person hadnt given me the present then i would have to feel guilty even if that guilt was completely unjustified.


Now when i look back on my years of struggling with an eating disorder i realise how scared i was of being human. Something i never really reflected on until now. My eating disorder was about control, wanting control over my life but also i think i was so scared of being weak and human, scared of having needs. But human beings NEED water, food, love, family/friendship, social life, sometype of hobby or interest we love. Human beings NEED rest, sleep, acceptance from others and also to treat ourselves and to be kind to ourselves. We dont need to tear ourselves down and live in isolation and fear of needing basic things like water and food, we dont deserve them, we need them. All of those things listed, they dont make us greedy, they are things we need for survival.

I mean sure, we might not need a gucci bag for survival or need 500 likes on a picture for survival, but people also like new things and it can give them a sense of accomplishment and happiness and if that is the case, then its not a bad thing. Dont forget that you are a human and you cant escape from your basic human needs and that DOES include affection, social contact, resting, energy, happiness and some form of interest to keep you going! You are not weak for being a human, you are being strong for living and creating a life you want!




3 comments:

  1. This is the MOST IDENTIFIABLE WITH article I have read so far. I absoultely know how you have felt. It was the same with me. I did not think I was worth eating, drinking, breathing, I felt guilty for even being alive. Until now, I was living in belief that this feeling was something that concerned only my mind, therefore I am so grateful that you shared this post with us. Sometimes, I still feel bad when I buy myself a ton of food, new clothes or just random stuff just because I wanted to. I do not know how to get rid of that but, oh well, I hope it will get better in a course of time.

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  2. Omg this is the best post ever. Please write more of these posts as it really helps me to understand why it is what i do. Im struggling so much with allowing myself to eat the things i want to eat. Ive not tried many foods having been ill all my life but now as i try im struck with guilt fear and self loathing im not sure how to get round this x

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  3. Your post really highlights just what a miserable existence having an ED causes and I am so sorry that you felt all those bad feelings about yourself. The fact that you turned it around though and now think of yourself as aworthy human being gives me hope that someday I too will achieve this.
    I think your post was incredibly moving and thankyou for writing it. It has helped me understand my own thoughts and feelings.

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