Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
I am going to start off by saying that this post might be very "jumpy" and random in the way it is written as it feels like i have so much to write and it might not be written in a logical sense.
I'll start off by saying that i was so close to putting my blog on Private today... after 7 years of blogging, wanting to put it on private and just not blog again. The reason for it? No reason... i guess i just felt hopeless, like this blog no longer radiates positivity or inspiration, so what is the point.
But i dont want to stop blogging and i dont want to put my blog on private either. Instead i want to radiate positivity and happiness. That is my goal, not just online but in my real life as well!!
The honest truth... i am doing well. Busy with work, but i am doing well. However i find that at times when i have moments over or think too much, i begin thinking about my break up and it just feels so "unclosed"... like there was so much unsaid and it was abrupt even if expected... And in a way it does feel like something is missing. But at the same time, it doesnt hurt as much anymore... it kind of feels nice in a way to be single and just focus solely on myself. And no longer have that guilt and pressure over the fact that "i wasnt the girlfriend i should have been" or that i couldnt be as positive and happy as i wanted to be. But also no longer have the stress or pressure of having to travel away and sleep away from home when most of all i just want to curl up into my own bed each night and have my time to think.
At the same time i find myself at times having moments of "who could ever love me when i am the way i am?". I think of all my flaws and all the things i think are wrong with myself or my personality and think, there is no way i can have a functioning relationship... why is it so easy to tear ourselves apart? One of the things my boyfriend said before we left our seperate ways was "dont tear yourself apart over this" - he knows me well. Because i cant help but do that... tear myself apart and put all the blame on myself for things going wrong. Finding all the flaws within myself and wanting to tear myself apart - which then also makes me want to shut off so that i dont have to feel.
Why is it so easy to focus on the negatives instead of the positives?
Of course i learnt to stop listening to those negative and "tear myself apart" thoughts before in the past, so i can do it again. Just time to start focusing on my strengths and positives and to improve on the things within my personality which i want to improve! Tearing myself apart wont do me any good at all.
Moving onto something else... the gym.
Barely been there at all the past few weeks and very little strength training done. Lack of motivation and lack of reason to go there if i am honest. Though considering that i have gone to the gym most days a week for the past 4 years (only not been to the gym due to injury or sickness or away on holiday), but i guess its not so strange to lack motivation after 4 years? hahahah.
It feels strange, but i feel no need to go there at the moment. I know my motivation will be back and there is no point going there when i dont want to. Instead my main form of activity is at work where i am infact very active and do alot of standing and walking, so that is enough for me. But i do also go for walks and am now beginning to run again as i realised i have a 10km race in 2,5 weeks time.... though i'll see if i do run it or not closer to the date. My breathing ability has been awful recently so running is definitely going to help with that!!
But i guess what i wanted to say is... dont panic if you dont feel like working out or dont workout for whatever reason. It is ok - you dont need to workout. However you still need to eat even on days you dont exercise!!! But dont force yourself to exercise because you think you have to, that is not a healthy relationship with exercise. Instead you should do it because it is fun, because you want to. In the past i wanted to workout 6 days a week, i had the energy and strength for it. Now... well if i want to go to the gym i will, if not i wont... i do what feels best and will make me happiest!
And finally something i wanted to add is... i know you are all writing "go to therapy" or "you need to gain weight" - but please remember that i DONT write out everything on here. There are both positives and negatives in my life that i leave out. And i know you want to help me, but saying "i am super sick or relapsing" that doesnt exactly help? I understand you are trying to be supportive but remember that my family who see me everyday are doing their best to help me and i have full support from them, but also that i am doing well. Therapy... that is still an option, when or if i will start depends on how my autumn turns out!
I just wanted to remind you all that there is so much more in my life and in my head and things happening (positive and negative) that i dont share on here!! I.e there are days i am super happy and dont blog so dont share those days, and then other days i just want to lie in bed and cry all day and dont share those days. Of course having such mood swings/drastic changes in emotions isnt good either and a sign that something isn't right. But i am getting the support and help i need from my family and plans and actions and such are being discussed with them :)
And lastly? trying to get my appetite back and eat as much as i can! I have been asked to write food diaries - and i wont be doing that as i eat at such weird times and my goal is just eat as high calorie and much as i can as well as enjoying what i eat at the moment. And somedays i eat 3 huge meals, other times 7 small meals... so it varies. But here are 2 of my meals from today anyway.
Breakfast and dinner:
And i have eaten 10kg watermelon in 3 days... XD
Old gym selfie when the lighting was on point... and always wearing that blue shirt because i love it... and yes, i have a washing machine so its fresh each time, hahaha.
Ohhh and lastly... i was so close to getting a tattoo today, hahahah. I so badly want one, i just want to cover my body in tattoos, but i know that isnt a good idea especially when it isnt planned out. But the spontaneou "yolo" part of me just wants to do it and not care about the consequences XD
Anyway, thats all for now. Going to the store to buy chocolate and other delicious things i find and going to try to find a good documentary to watch before sleep and another day of work tomorrow!