Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Losing weight before going into inpatient care? Not sick enough? Feeling like a fake "eating disorder" - answer

I have a question for ya that I already know the answer to but I think i need to hear it from someone else. I'm waiting on insurance acceptance to be hospitalized and it probably will take a week more. i feel very motivated to recover but i dont want to start now because i almost want to be as sick as possible before i go to the hospital. i dont want to gain 5 lbs this week and then go there and have to gain more weight. my bmi is only like X and the average bmi at the hospital im going to is Y so i feel like a fake. ive been eating even less than usual despite my motivation to recover because insurance is taking so long to let me get treatment. thoughts?

First off these thoughts you have of "not being sick enough" are actually signs that you are sick. Because most normal people dont want to be sick or feel fake if they aren't sick. For example if someone breaks their arm and needs to go to hospital it is not like they decide "might as well break my fingers as well as i am going to hospital anyway". You say that you are motivated to recover, so why not begin now.... right away and make your stay at hospital shorter. Because one way or another you will need to gain the weight and if you lose weight before going to hospital it means you will have to be there even longer, and that isnt something you should want.

Also you can not know the weight or BMI of other patients, but also the weight or BMI of someone does not define how bad someones eating disorder is or how much they struggle. There are many who are normal weight but struggle several with an eating disorder, weightloss or weight gain (i.e if someone struggles with binge eating) are just symptoms of the eating disorder.

Yyou need to truly decide that you want to recover and to fully recover i.e change your thoughts and your mindset. Because weight gain is just part of recovery, but it is the whole mental aspect you need to change. And if you go into treatment thinking "i am not sick enough, i have not lost enough weight, i am a fake and begin comparing yourself to everyone in treatment" then the chances are that you might not even accept the help you are given and that it wont really matter if you are intreatment or not because you arent fully motivated to recover.

All treatment does is give you support and be the "guard" which you might not have at home i.e the staff will make you eat and rest, which you might not do while you are at home otherwise. But also they might offer therapy and other group activities to help you recover. But recovery comes from the inside and motivation to recover, it is something YOU  have to want and it is better to find that motivation before going into treatment because otherwise you will just be there, hate it and hate everyone there and not follow rules and just waste money being there. .But if you are motivation to recover, then you will accept the help given and sooner be back to life.

You are NOT a fake for wanting to recover. I.e it is so easy to begin comparing yourself to others in treatment. I always thought i was so fat while in treatment, i wondered what i was doing there when i was already huge... i wondered why i had to eat the most when i was already the biggest there. Also eventually when i did begin to like the food i ate i felt like such a fake... if i ever did feel hungry before a meal i would feel like such a failure, when you know what.. it is the opposite. If you accept the help YOU are the winner. You are the one who wants life back and is doing your best to be healthy so that you can live life.

Going in and out of hospital is 1) Expensive 2) You are wasting your own life 3) You miss out on so much and 4) Not fun. There seems to be a competition between patients and those who are sick about who has had the most inpatient stays or hospital visits or who has had tube feeding or a wheel chair or the longest stay in hospital. But it is so completely disordered. I mean, i could go to my friends and be like "Hhey.... i've spent atleast 25% of my life in hospital at this point in my life... Yeah, go me i am so sick" (hahahah, just writing that made me cringe). That of course is nothing i would ever do, because being sick is not an achievment. BEING IN HOSPITAL IS NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT. As many who are disordered seem to think.

Realise that one way or another you will gain the weight. So either you can do it at home or in treatment, but it is much better to spend as little time as hospital as you can and instead find the motivation within you to gain the weight and choose healthy and recovery and fight against your eating disorder. Because in the end, eventually you will be home agian and you will have to be able to eat and rest and fight the disordered thoughts. You are not a fake for eating, you are not a fake for gaining weight, you are not a fake for recovering. Just having those thoughts - that you arent sick enough or a fake, are signs that you are sick.

Find your motivation to recover!!!

I have some posts with similar topics which might help you :)

Being admitted as an inpatient
Comparisons between patients
Not sick enough - an eating disorder mentality
Comparison - an ED thing
Coping with recovery and weight gain
I dont have an eating disorder because....
Helpful tips after inpatient care
Motivation to change comes from the inside
You have to want and choose recovery for yourself (TRIGGER warning pictures in this post)
Feeling greedy, fat or lazy in eating disoder recovery
Lies your eating disorder tells you
Things learnt in recovery

 I hope this helps you!!! Choose recovery, life and health!


  1. Hi Izzy - how did you manage to become so confident about yourself and your body after recovery? I know you went through abad time during recovery with the self harming but just how did you turn this around to instead love yourself and become the person you are now? I am so self conscious still and cannot imagine being brave enough or confident enough to wear shorts or short sleeves this summer. I would like to take up swimming again but am so self conscious of what I will look like in a swimsuit. How do you build the confidence to do so? I want to do these things but I am always holding back. How can I overcome this? I hate my partner seeing me undressed and feel so awkward when he cuddles me as I think I look so awful why would he want to be close to me? Just how do you go from this to be being able to love yourself?
    Thank you

  2. Hi Iz, I was just wondering where you find time to exercise now that you've been really busy with your job. Do you workout in the mornings? I'm just curious because I've been finding it a bit hard to fit it in with school and activities, but it's been helping me a lot. Thanks :)

  3. Hi :) I've been going through a lot medically lately (not ed related) and have lost some weight. My doctors won't tell me my weight and have just said that I've consistently lost the past 2 appointments and are treating me like I'm back in treatment. I'm not trying to but I find it very hard mentally to not want to gain it back or to keep myself from going lower. I don't even feel like I've lost weight and I already eat a ton everyday. I'm not in treatment and I try to eat a lot as I need it because of my activity level. But I'm having difficulty mentally eating more. Advice?

    1. Listen to your doctors, if you have lost weight unintentionally, it means that you arent eating enough to fuel your bodies needs. And the weight you need to regain is weight that your body needs. And you dont always notice weightloss, or worse... you lose weight and think you look better than you did before and make it harder to regain the weight. But your doctors know what is best and if you have lost weight you should try to regain it... because often weight loss goes hand in hand with thoughts and if you have had/have an eating disorder it can trigger the thoughts even worse. There is nothing wrong with weight gain, and you are gaining weight that you have already "had" and your body neeeds.

      Try to add in food that is calorie dense such as nuts, oils, dried fruit, chocolate, avocado etc to your diet. .And maybe add drink to your meals or make smoothies or add in an extra snack or bigger meals. Your body needs the energy, and you need to fight that voice or feeling that makes you think that you dont need to eat more. Because if you are losing weight, then you do need to eat more as you arent even eating enough to fuel your bodies basic energy levels. Also think, if you want to be active then you need all the energy you can get. From personal experience the more i eat the better my workouts, and that is the best feeling in the world!! :) Fight that voice in your head, eat more and give your body the right energy amount :) Don't let your eating disorder hold you back - because even if the weightloss wasnt due to an eating disorder, it has obviously triggered ED thoughts for you, and now you need to challenge them to be fully free. I.e weight gain isnt a bad thing :)