Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, July 23, 2016

Dealing with heartbreak and emotions

It's funny how in just a weeks time it feels like my whole life has turned upside down. I dont really know how to write this post or whether i will even post it or not, but all i know is that i need to write it out anyway. Get some form of mental clearance for myself.

At the moment i am dealing with heartbreak and most of all just want all the distractions i can get... that might be the reason why i have agreed to work 10 days in a row, followed by 1 day off and then 6 days of work. This is because i most of all just want distractions and to not think or feel.

Today i broke up with my boyfriend. This wasn't something unexpected - for either of us, and in a way it was mutual. We've both known - and feared - that if i got into the program i wanted to and moved away, that the relationship wouldnt last. Recently we have sort of had a break from each other - me working and dealing with my own problems and he has been away road tripping and we both got time to think and process and we know that this is for the best. Even if it hurts... it hurts so motherfu**ing badly (excuse the curse words). Who knew that the ice queen with no emotions (i.e me) would feel this way. I didnt think i would cry but when i handed back my keys to his apartment i couldnt stop the tears from flowing, and then when walking away and i began to walk home i had to just stop for a while and let the emotions out.

It will take a while for me to process it i guess... it feels like there are so many plans we had which will never happen now. Travel plans and brunch plans and movie plans... and that is no more. But what i also hate is that i wish i had been a better girlfriend, because unfortunatly my anxiety and depression has stopped me from being the person i wish i could have been. It has stopped me from being the happy and positive person, instead it has helped me back and trapped me in fear and anxiety. And the past while it has been more anxiety and panic attacks and unanswered messages compared to happiness, laughter and a sense of joy when we were together. So even if the main reason we are breaking up is because distance wouldnt work for us, i know that the underlying problems is also my own mental problems i need to deal with. He has been so understanding and caring, but if a persons partner isnt open and communicates it takes a toll on both of them and that was the case now. And that hits me even harder... because what if i had been happy, what if i didnt have my anxiety and depression would the relationship still last? But then again i know that distance relationships arent my thing and wouldnt work with me.

At the moment i need to process it all. I need to try to feel, but at the same time i just want to shut off all my emotions and not feel and not think... not have to deal with life at all at the moment. But i know that wont help either. At the moment my mum is of course worried that this could trigger me and make a bad situation even worse or make me resort to bad coping mechanisms to cope with how i am feeling. But if i am honest... this break up is like  a clean slate for me. I just want new.... because i knew the break up was bound to happen and it has been something i have feared and had so much anxiety over the past while... it has stressed me, made me feel guilty and anxious and havent known how to cope with those feelings. But now it's done and it was mutual and now i can just move on.

Many people when they break up they want revenge with a good body and they start working out. For me? I want "revenge" (though there is no revenge to get, hahaha) through happpiness and a better mental health. If anything this has made me be determined to get happier and healthier... because I deserve it. I deserve to be happy and to find my mental health again, but also next time we meet i want to be a ray of sunshine and happiness and positivity... and i want us both to be in better stages. I want us both to be so filled with happiness and life motivation that we are happy for each other and each others progress, hahaha.

My goal now is to get back to myself. Deal with my emotions and my problems. Take my medication, get back into regular self care and to open up and communicate and not shut everyone out of my life. At the moment i just want to scream, cry, stare into a wall, run away my problems, listen to so much loud music that my ears hurt and also to just sleep everything away.... none will do me anything positive. So instead, writing, processing, communicating and keep living life and looking forward into the future!

New chapter of my life soon and i want to take control and create my life the way i want it and the life i deserve. Enough negativity, enough anxiety, enough panic and fear and instead more positivity, more spontaniety, more stepping outside of my comfort zone, more life!

18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear this sad news Izzy. You have already overcome so much though and you can get through this too, I'm sure xx

    Something I have been wondering about is if your recent weight loss has led to your decline in mental health. I have only been thinking of this because I know I start feeling exactly the same as you currently are, as soon as my weight drops below my optimal weight, even if only by a kilogram or two.

    Just a though Izzy but I'm sure you will get on top of it anyway. Sending my love <3 xxx

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this sad news Izzy. You have already overcome so much though and you can get through this too, I'm sure xx

    Something I have been wondering about is if your recent weight loss has led to your decline in mental health. I have only been thinking of this because I know I start feeling exactly the same as you currently are, as soon as my weight drops below my optimal weight, even if only by a kilogram or two.

    Just a though Izzy but I'm sure you will get on top of it anyway. Sending my love <3 xxx

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  3. I'm so sorry Izzy, hope you get well soon<3 <3

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  4. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. - M. Kathleen Casey.

    Izzy,

    I know it hurts to let of a loved one and it's okay to feel bad. Just know that it'll get better with time and that where you're going is a fresh start with plenty of great opportunities.

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  5. Oh, sweetheart, I wish you to get well soon. And don't worry, the pain won't last forever. I know , it hurts, but i gets better. You are strong and you will certainly get through this. I wish you luck in beginning a fresh new start. Have a wonderful day!

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  7. I feel with you! Take care of yourself and take a break if you need one ... we are always there for you!

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  8. That is definitely some terrible news and I wish you plenty of strength for the overcoming. Remind yourself, though, of the monstrosity of all the obstacles you've eventually tackled, when you'll find the power to do so. You will realize that this is just one of them and therefore temporary.

    For now, cherish those small steps that are never a bad idea.

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  9. The pain and hurt will pass in time, believe me. The important thing is for you to be able to get through this rough time without running yourself into the ground in the process. Its ok to feel sad, to scream and cry - that's healthy. Don`t bury your feelings and try to strive for positivity at all times because that won`t help you. you need to deal with your emotions, not blot them out.
    if you truly believe your anxiety and depression was a cause for your break up then that is another sign that you need to seek help for it. Don`t let it affect any more of your life.
    Take care and go easy on yourself. take one day at a time and know that we are there for you :)

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  10. I'm so sorry. Remember that all your readers are thinking of you! Don't forget that there are always people who are happy to listen :)

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  11. Aww, I'm sorry you're going through on of life's more unpleasant turns. Breakups suck. I wouldn't revisit those times in my life for anything in the world, but keep in mind that this is just that - a time in your life. A season. And pain does pass. Even excruciating mental pain and anguish. Unfortunately there's no real shortcut, you just have to let time pass and focus on taking care of yourself. A door has closed, but from this opportunities also open. Think about all the directions your life can take when you don't need to factor in someone else. I'm in a very long-term relationship, but I admit I sometimes wish for the freedom to just live my own life on my own terms. As enriching as a relationship can be, they are also sometimes quite limiting. You are at an age and stage when personal freedom is actually a huge bonus. And not to trivialize him, but he is one major thing off your plate, so to speak, one demand gone, and now you have a lot more brain and heart space available to really do some self work. Use this time wisely, once you have given yourself some space to grieve the loss. You will prevail, you have already proven you have a lot of fight in you :)

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  12. Don't blame yourself.
    Think of it as a new start and a new chapter in your life. Now you have until autumn to heal/recover/improve so make the most of it. Find your happiness so that you start uni as your real self, ready to live life to the fullest! Get your "revenge" :)) and the life you want!
    You know all the steps of recovery, now it's time to make this journey for the final time to reach true happiness.
    All the best <3

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  14. Izzy, I am so sorry... Recently, I too broke up with my first boyfriend in three years after nine months of dating. It was mutual as well between us and we've been maintaining a decent friendship, but i understand all too well your pain. Long distance is hard, and I've been in a few of those (they require a world of trust and commitment). but I'm sure that time will help to heal this wound. stay bright sunshine, and hang on tight

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  15. <3 my heart goes out to you izzy, i hope you are ok, and that you feel better soon <3 sending you so much love, hugs and best wishes xxxx

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  16. I'm sorry you broke up! I know it's never easy! And I believe an amazing girl like you will find her happiest self very soon!!! Hugs and kisses from my very heart!!!❤️❤️❤️

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