I learnt to love and accept my body, to move on from my past. Leave Mando behind, leave my fears and anxiety behind me... to just look into the future, or atleast take everyday as it came (as the future scares me).
For me, i find it quite easy to look back into the past when i was sick. To read old diary posts, to look at pictures etc... its like i can remember the feeling. I remember every detail, but at the same time...It wasnt me. I can relate to it, but at the same time i cant... its like someone else was living and controlling my body for 5 years... which is exactly how it was.
Infact while i was sick i had my mum tell me that I wasnt me. That the way i was behaving and the things i was saying wasnt really me. And thats the truth.
Infact the last day i was talking to my sister about my suicide attempts and my overdose - this was something she didnt actually know about. My mum had never told her and i just thought she knew about it... its not exactly an everyday topic. But when i was talking about it... i had no emotions, it was like i was just retelling a story. It wasnt actually me... it wasnt me i was talking about, because now i could never go stand infront of a bridge and be 98% ready to jump, or be stnading on a chair in the middle or the night, ready to hang myself.... That isnt and wasnt me. It was a voice in my head controlling me... so overcome by anxiety.
So its like im reading someone elses story, at the same time that i know they are my own memories... it was me who did all those things, had all those feelings.
Dealing with old memories can be hard, it can be very triggering for some. But my best advice is to strive and fight for a life that you love now.... You cant change the past, and there is no point looing into the past unless you are seeing how far you have come.
Make changes in your life so you are happy, so that you WONT want to go into the past. Somethings can be triggering, like if you return to school after being away for a few months and suddenly you are around your friends again and you have to make new rotuines. Like for me, when i began school again after almost 2 years away. I had spent 2 years in school not eating lunch, that was my first ED thing. But now suddenly when i began school again i had to eat lunch and it felt very strange.... it was like i automatically wanted to skip lunch, because that was what i had done before. But i began with my new routine... making new habits and then suddenly eating lunch in school wasnt weird for me anymore... i was just like everyone else.
Make new healthy habits to replace the old unhealthy ones.
When it comes to meeting people who saw you when you were sick... I know some who may be compliment for their weightloss when they are sick, but then they have to regain the weight again and it can be tough to be around those people who told them that they were 'beautiful/pretty/slim' when they were sick, but really they were very underweight.
The first thing is to NOT associate those words with who you are.... being slim or underweight is NOT good. That should NOT be your goal. And infact, those people who told you that you were beautiful and so slim when you were underweight were in the wrong. They SHOULDNT have said those types of things to you. That just feeds your ED.
What you should do instead is to walk with confidence, show those people that you are looking and feeling better now even if you weigh more. But you are MORE alive now...
Another tip is to get rid of things which might trigger you... some find it helpful to burn/destroy/throw away their old diaries. To get rid of their too small clothes... remove and get rid of anything associated with your ED... such as if you have kept knives or other things for self harm in your room.
Also deleting browsing history if you have for example been on Pro Ana sites... and getting rid of negativity and triggering people/accounts you have followed on social media.
The most important is to focus on NOW. On how far you have come and how you DONT want to go back to how things were before. You are so much stronger now... you are fighting for your life and health. Whilst your ED is keeping you from living your life, bringing you closer to your death and taking your happiness away. Thats not really a way to live.
(Post from 2014)