Diary entry (in the past!):
Ive talked about death, sometimes casually and just added in in a random sentenance such as "we'll see if i am alive tomorrow". And other times i've wanted to tell people exactly how i feel, just how awful i feel and when i mentioned that i didnt want to keep going and wanted to die it was not just a joke, but a cry of help as well. But i would say it in such a way that the person could take it as a joke and didnt really know if was serious or not.
I thought alot about death. How it would be better if i died, how it would be nice to just be gone and not have to live. But then i thought about all the things keeping me alive and it was mostly, i didnt want to let my family or readers down. Not so much for my own sake, but then i thought about.... did i really want to die?
I thought alot about it and times i was close to doing something drastic, just to end it all. But at the end of the day it wasnt really death i wanted, i wanted the pain to go away. At times i would come across an article of someone who had commited suicide and at times i realise how i could never do that to my family, leave them without a reason or a goodbye. And othertimes i felt jealous of that person, how they could actually commit to suicide, actually do it and i was still stuck suffering. (I apologize so deeply for writing this and to anyone who has been through the loss of someone, but this is coming from the mind of someone who is very depressed, so you have to understand that i can not think clearly. Even I am aware of the fact that being jealous of someone who has commited suicide is not a normal way to think)
In my life death became something casual and also a regular thought. Death has never scared me so i wasnt scared of dying but i felt like i couldnt kill myself, instead i would rather that i just died in some way. I didnt care if i got hit by a car, i didnt care if i was run over or accidently fell down on the train tracks, sometimes i stood a little too close to the edge of the platform just to see if i could get myself to jump. But there was always something pulling me back, maybe common sense but then again a person always has something inside of them which keeps them from causing themselves pain or leading to death. But the not causing myself pain was not something i listened to. I liked pain and liked to cause myself physical pain. It was a way of feeling something but also self harm was a way for me to show that I am broken, that I am struggling, a way to show that my smile was not real. But i hid my scars until i began to no longer care and no one really cared about them either. No one pointed them out or asked how i was, not my family. Maybe they thought it was better that i self harmed than i tried to kill myself, but then again they never really remarked about the fact that i talked about death and my own death so casually. Maybe because i still had a smile on my face they didnt care.
Sometimes i wanted death just so that people around me would understand that it wasnt a joke, that i wasnt lying about my feelings, that i wasnt just a moody or hormonal teenager. I wanted them to feel guilty for not caring, for not trying to help me. I wanted them to notice my pain and it felt like if i died then they would, then maybe they would realise that i had been suffering but then i thought, maybe they wouldnt even notice if i was gone, but that would be a good thing if they could keep living their lives and i could end mine and everyone would be happy.
I kno this post may come off as very casual but i know that death and suicide are VERY serious topics and not something casual to talk about. But this is a diary post where the above is what was on my mind at the time and i felt that i needed to write it out, but also to show the thoughts of someone depressed. I was aware at the time that my thoughts werent normal or healthy but i couldnt stop them anyway, i still felt that pull towards death.
This post was a draft I found - a sort of diary entry which I don't think I ever published (maybe I have? ). But now when I am feeling better mentally and not in such a terrible mental state I thought I would post it. NOT to trigger, bit because these were my actual thoughts. ... thoughts which are irrational in some sense, but so very strong and true for me at the time. Now I look back on these thoughts and think, I am so proud of the progress I have made and hope to never return to that mental state again, or to atleast cope better next time. I am not fully healed or recovered from the negativity in my mind but I am much closer to the happy and positive person I want to be. And looking back on my thoughts like this make me see how far I have come and how it feels so much better to not be drawn into and allured by death... not wanting to harm myself to feel any type of pain but the mental pain or to show how broken I was. But instead feel drawn into positivity and being positive. Working on bettering myself and being a happy person!
If this post is triggering I may delete it, just let me know!