Thank you for writing your blog it has helped a lot! I have anorexia and go outpatient, however my nutritionist said since I keep dropping even though I've been trying somewhat I need to go inpatient. Ever since she said that my ED voice is screaming and anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I'm short of breath and started using a calculator (?) again which I haven't done for about a month now. It feels like it's getting worse and I don't know what to do because I don't know how soon I'll be admitted. It feels like I need to lose more while I still can and its very convincing. I'm not sure how to fight it because it's winning right now. Any advice you could give would be amazing.
I'm also supposed to go to a vocal workshop tomorrow and am worried I won't be able to eat enough to have energy to sing. Please help
The first thing to remember is that inpatient will be helpful, if ypu can't manage to eat on your own then being an inpatient is very helpful. There will be staff there who will help you and someone you can talk to. It means that you do what you are told instead of having to mentally fight each time it comes to a meal.
Also realise that by losing weight and eating less before you are actually admitted is just counterintuitive and you will end up spending more time as an inpatient then. But if you can manage to fight the voice in your head, if you can manage to defy your eating disorder you are closer to recovery and you won't spend as long time as an inpatient. Either way you will need to gain the weight and eat whether you decide to do it on your own or as an inpatient, but from experience it is much nicer to do it while at home.
Even if being an inpatient takes away alot of freedom and it's never fun to be in hospital it is helpful and a great option. Maybe you can talk to your nutrionist so you know when you 2 I'll be admitted? And keep trying to follow a meal plan/eating regularly even if you will be admitted.
To truly recover you need to fight your eating disorder, even if it causes anxiety and guilt you can over come it. You can fight through those feelings - you need to face your fears and do the opposite of your eating disorder. The ed wants you to eat less and lose weight and to compensate before being admitted but don't listen to that voice, that will just make your recovery harder. Instead decide that you Want to and Need to recover. Because unless you decide that you want to recover you will just be admitted as an inpatient, be made to eat and gain weight and then be released and back to square one where you don't eat enough as you don't truly want to recover. So wanting to recover is important, otherwise it will just be one step forward, one step back.
Think about all the reasons you want to and should recover. Find distractions to help with the guilt and anxiety and set up recovery goals each week, both long term and short term which can help keep you motivated!
Remember that weight loss won't bring anything good. Instead it will just make things worse and harder for you. Realise that a healthy body and healthy mind are what you should aim for, not low weight and low calorie. A happy and healthy life should be the goal. Even if you aren't motivated to recover, take the right steps towards recovery and know that it will get easier!
And regarding the workshop, pack with you all the meals you need. Eating is important and crucial, doesn't matter if others at the workshop don't eat snacks or eat different, you still need to eat YOUR meals. Everyone is different and needs different amounts of food and energy, so you need to do what is best for you and your health. Food = you have energy to live and do fun things.
Even if you have the chance/opportunity (?) To eat less or lose weight, think about whether those things would actually be beneficial or he'll uou, or would they just make rings harder and worse for you in the long term?
It's a mental battle and a mental fight but you can do it!don't listen to your eating disorder, and do talk to your nutruonist or doctor to get extra help and support if you feel you need it :)
Food is energy, fuel and it is delicious and you need it everyday!