Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, June 13, 2016

Answer - being admitted as inpatient

Hello Izzy,

Thank you for writing your blog it has helped a lot! I have anorexia and go outpatient, however my nutritionist said since I keep dropping even though I've been trying somewhat I need to go inpatient. Ever since she said that my ED voice is screaming and anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I'm short of breath and started using a calculator (?) again which I haven't done for about a month now. It feels like it's getting worse and I don't know what to do because I don't know how soon I'll be admitted. It feels like I need to lose more while I still can and its very convincing. I'm not sure how to fight it because it's winning right now. Any advice you could give would be amazing.
I'm also supposed to go to a vocal workshop tomorrow and am worried I won't be able to eat enough to have energy to sing. Please help

thank you


Hello,

The first thing to remember is that inpatient will be helpful, if ypu can't manage to eat on your own then being an inpatient is very helpful. There will be staff there who will help you and someone you can talk to. It means that you do what you are told instead of having to mentally fight each time it comes to a meal.

Also realise that by losing weight and eating less before you are actually admitted is just counterintuitive and you will end up spending more time as an inpatient then. But if you can manage to fight the voice in your head, if you can manage to defy your eating disorder you are closer to recovery and you won't spend as long time as an inpatient. Either way you will need to gain the weight and eat whether you decide to do it on your own or as an inpatient, but from experience it is much nicer to do it while at home.

Even if being an inpatient takes away alot of freedom and it's never fun to be in hospital it is helpful and a great option. Maybe you can talk to your nutrionist so you know when you 2 I'll be admitted? And keep trying to follow a meal plan/eating regularly even if you will be admitted.

To truly recover you need to fight your eating disorder, even if it causes anxiety and guilt you can over come it. You can fight through those feelings - you need to face your fears and do the opposite of your eating disorder. The ed wants you to eat less and lose weight and to compensate before being admitted but don't listen to that voice, that will just make your recovery harder. Instead decide that you Want to and Need to recover.  Because unless you decide that you want to recover you will just be admitted as an inpatient,  be made to eat and gain weight and then be released and back to square one where you don't eat enough as you don't truly want to recover. So wanting to recover is important, otherwise it will just be one step forward, one step back.

Think about all the reasons you want to and should recover. Find distractions to help with the guilt and anxiety and set up recovery goals each week, both long term and short term which can help keep you motivated!

Remember that weight loss won't bring anything good. Instead it will just make things worse and harder for you.  Realise that a healthy body and healthy mind are what you should aim for, not low weight and low calorie. A happy and healthy life should be the goal. Even if you aren't motivated to recover, take the right steps towards recovery and know that it will get easier!

And regarding the workshop, pack with you all the meals you need. Eating is important and crucial, doesn't matter if others at the workshop don't eat snacks or eat different,  you still need to eat YOUR meals. Everyone is different and needs different amounts of food and energy, so you need to do what is best for you and your health. Food = you have energy to live and do fun things.

Even if you have the chance/opportunity (?) To eat less or lose weight,  think about whether those things would actually be beneficial or he'll uou, or would they just make rings harder and worse for you in the long term?

It's a mental battle and a mental fight but you can do it!don't listen to your eating disorder, and do talk to your nutruonist or doctor to get extra help and support if you feel you need it :)

Food is energy, fuel and it is delicious and you need it everyday!

7 comments:

  1. Dear Izzy, please can you give me some advice.Following my relapse last year I determined to gain weight by myself at home despite pressure from the hospital where I was once an inpatient to be readmitted. I'm almost weight restored now. I can't say I like my new body of course and I know I am far from recovered. But now most of all I am scared that I will just keep on gaining wiehgt and that my metabolism was damaged through my illness. I ate well enough throughout my recovery, I ate plenty of calorie dense foods though I struggled to eat enough at lunchtimes. I kept up exercise as I found it too scary to give it up even though I know that is wrong too..but I still gained weight. Im so afraid that this is evidence that my metabolism is permanently damaged - that i still put on weight, despite exercising every day. I dont know what to do now and how to eat. i want to keep on eating well and eating more or less the same as i was in recovery, as i really enjoy food and just want tostart living my life now.. but im so afraid i will just keep on gaining weight and that in order to maintain i will have to eat really low amounts for the rest of my life :( Please give me some advice I would appreciate it so so much. Thanks so much Izzy <3 xxx

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    Replies
    1. Dear Emily,
      I'm sure Izzy will reply, and maybe others too. I sometimes read your blog - it is so beautiful, so much beauty shines out -- I am so pleased to hear you are nearly WR, though I am sorry you are still struggling so much. I remember how scary it was when I hit the healthy weight range and kept gaining. It is scary, because it is something one wanted to control, but one's beginning to learn that we have to let go and trust, and that is scary. But, you won't just keep gaining forever, and the fact that you are gaining now is not evidence that your metabolism is permanently damaged. Firstly, you are not even fully WR yet, so of course your body still wants to gain weight. Secondly, after your body has been through so much, it is normal for there to be a bit of overshoot for a while, which the body does to protect itself. Of course that challenges everything in the anorexic mindset ... but it is a necessary and good challenge, to calm down and reorder one's attitudes to body and life and the relationship between them. It's what the body needs, and one has to learn to respect that. Even where there is overshoot (which you have not yet experienced, if you're still only nearly WR), it tends to go down naturally after a while -- but hopefully by then it doesn't really matter to one so much anyway.
      The only way you will end up with a weight problem in the other direction is if you develop a different eating disorder. I personally did develop BED, though thankfully without developing a new weight problem as such. But it prolonged recovery and was very distressing. It would have been a whole lot better to learn to cope with the challenges that straight anorexia recovery presents, without trying to deal with them through food. One day this will be a small part of your youth, and you will be a happier, more contented adult, if you work through it now. The problem is not the weight or the way of eating; it is great that you are enjoying food more, and I hope you will be able to learn to love your body and let it do what it needs and wants to do. Thank you for your blog too -- you have a very beautiful soul, and a beautiful way with words.

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    2. <3 Dear anon,
      When I read your reply today words cannot even begin to express how grateful and touched I was - Thank you so, so much <3 I feel alot better now and calmer about the whole situation! than you also for your lovely words about my blogyou are too kind <3 thank you so so much <3 xxxx

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  2. Can you write avout your experience as an inpatient?

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  3. Thank you so much Izzy,

    That makes a lot of sense that eating less now to compensate will make inpatient longer and I think remembering that will help. And you're right that it's better to look at why it would be beneficial to try to fight even before inpatient. Also I will try to eat when others aren't eating it's hard to not feel self conscious, but it shouldn't matter what others are eating.

    Thank you so much for all the advice <3

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  4. Hi!!

    I am seventeen years old and have had eating disorders for about six years now and I have had a depression for as long as I can remember. A good year back or so, everything got worse and I got diagnosed with bulimia. At the time it feels like I’m over-eating every day. I don’t count kcal, since I’ve been stuck in that pattern before and I don’t want it to happen again, so I have no idea exactly how much I’m eating. It feels like I’m hungry all the time and I just want to eat more and more… Even though I’m full, I won’t stop. I will just keep on eating until I’m either about explode or feeling so guilty I will force myself to purge and then go for a long run. I am so afraid to gain weight, but I don’t know how to get rid of this behavior. Do you have any suggestions or ideas?

    And my therapist wants me to go inpatient again (I've had three forced ip admissions before) and it's literally freaking me out. I start crying every time someone mentions hospitals and I really don't wanna go there, but I don't know what to do.. Do you think I should go inpatient again?

    I love your blog btw �� !

    Kerry

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  5. Well personally I would grab with both hands any help that was being offered to me and to be offered inpatients would be a gift, not a chore. I am struggling alone with recovery and cannot find any help so please appreciate that you are indeed lucky to be given this chance. Take the help that is being handed to you and get well again.

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