Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, June 30, 2016

A post including lots of vegan food and products & My day (I.e if you dont care about food or veganism skip this post!)


It's Thursday and what feels like my first free day in a while, even if i was free last Thursday and Friday due to midsummer, it was still sort of stressful days and these past few days have been long. So mentally and physically i needed a day of no plans and to "just be", and that is exactly what i have done today!

A morning with no alarm and a long time for myself with my coffee and breakfast (I got a comment asking about why i dont post any breakfast pictures anymore and that is because i actually eat left over dinner for breakfast XD hahahahha. Nothing special there. Or i eat breakfast at work or after my workout... all depending on how i feel. ) and social media browsing. Then i headed to the gym and did a bit of what i felt like doing before i headed off to a sports store where i bought chocolate flavoured soy protein. Is protein powder necessary? NO. Can you get enough protein on a vegan diet? YES. So why did i buy protein powder? Because it is a good way for me to get in calories i.e mix protein powder with milk = morning snack. Also good to have with me to work, and also easy to drink a shake after a workout as well as eat a banana and some rice cakes. There you have my reasons for buying the powder. And as my chemistry teacher said in university - people are free to spend money on whatever they like even if the products arent necessary (in his case he meant vitamins and minerals which people buy but dont actually need. But the same is with protein powder, some people use it even though they dont need to. But if you like it and you find it helpful in some form then why not, people are free to spend their money as they like).

Then i headed to Goodstore a completely (or almost completely) vegan store, where i was shocked at the amount of products there. However i wasnt tempted to buy any of it - apart from the chocolate, but all the fake meats such as fake duck, fake sandwich topping that tastes like chicken or salami, fake prawns? Whyyy.... I dont want a vegan-chicken-tasting-sandwich topping. I want to move away from the meat and not buy products that look the same and almost taste the same? Of course for some they might like that, but for me i prefer my soy products and tofu products that dont resemble meat!!! hahah.

I had to leave the store with something though, so i bought pastry dough that was half price and some chocolate to reach the minimum card payment XD

And then i continued my store browsing and ended up in a food store and bought oreos and bread as i had some lunch ideas!!

Came home, made myself lunch: Started off with a scoop of chocolate soy protein mixed with oatmilk and topped with mini vegan marshmallows, and then two oreos with chocolate peanut butter - this while i was waiting to make my actual lunch:

Burgers with pulled vego meat and carrot and parsnip strips.

And then i did some baking: Just a little sneak peak:

And then FINALLY it was time for a little spa treatment. First off a shower and washing my hair using Maria Nila products (Got these for christmas from my mum, and was happy to find out that they were not animal tested!). Then i used facial oil, scrub and body oil which my mum has made. They are sooo good, and not to mention vegan friendly i.e no ingredients tested on animals. Apart from one of the products where there is a form of animal oil :(

But otherwise i love the products and feels much better using products where i know what is in them. If you want to know more or order you can email: (hahahah. Feels like i am doing a promo, in a sense i am, but it is also something i use myself and find the products very beneficial!)

And lastly... i am now sitting with plastic bags filled with gel on my feet to get rid of dead skin cells. XD I got sent the package with "Baby foot" a few months ago, but it has taken me this long to actually try it. As i have written before, i dislike feet and so dont really take care of my feet... but i thought, now its time to take care of my feet so trying this product and hopefully they make my feet smooth and smell fresh, hahahah. But i guess i will update in 10-14 days when my feet should be fresh and smooth like baby feet XD XD You can read more about Baby foot HERE if you want to!

So for now i am sitting and feeling all fresh and relaxed! This has been a long post and so many products in this post - i am sorry, the only sponsored product is the baby foot. But otherwise all products i recommend arent sponsored and things i have bought myself and use myself i.e when it comes to food and such as well, its all bought myself, but i leave the brand name in so that others can find the brand if they want to try it :)

And also sorry for all the food in this post XD But i did warn you in the title ;)

Learning self love - my self love journey

Self love wont happen just because you lose weight.

Self love won't happen by comparing yourself or your body to others.

Body love and acceptance wont happen just because you have a six pack or a thigh gap or a flat stomach.

Body confidence won't come just because you weigh a certain number.

Body confidence and self love won't happen by following a restrictive diet or doing hours fo exercise you don't like.

Self love wont come from constantly trying to change your body.

Self love and body acceptance/love comes from the inside and not from constantly trying to change your body. Self love happens when you begin to love yourself - all of you and not just focus on the outside and your appearance. Because you are so much more than that. You are not just your legs or your arms or your stomach or your face, you are YOU. You are your personality, hobbies, interests, your laugh, your smile, the things you enjoy, the things you dislike. And self love comes from embracing all of those and also embracing the less positive sides of yourself - because we all have them in some form or another. And by accepting the "flaws" whether its ones that are physical or ones that are behavioural, you need to accept them.

Such as if you are an introvert but wish you were an extrovert, instead accept who you are instead of wishing to be someone else and instead just try to challenge yourself to be more of an extrovert and do things outside of your comfort zone, but all the time embracing and loving who you are. People are different, both in looks and behaviours and personalities and that is what makes us unique.

You will never look like someone else, doesnt matter if you try to eat the same as them or workout the same as them or live the same way as them, you wont ever look or be the same person as them. Instead you need to find all the positives about yourself and embrace them!!

Whenever i write posts about self love or accepting your body i get comments telling me that, "It's easy for me to love myself when i have the body i have, and when i am tall and blonde or look the way i look.".... that it is easy for me to love myself because i have a certain trend body (??).

But i actually find that a little degrading to say, and i know it sounds silly. But for me self love isnt natural - the natural and easy thing for me is to see all my flaws, for me to bring myself down about my appearance and to dislike what i see. So for me to have come so far in my self love journey that i like WHO I AM 98% of the time is awesome, and also to not care about bloating or weight or any of that. Of course i have had this mindset for several years now, so it isnt something new or revolutionary for me. But just the fact that i have spent the majority of my life hating myself and hating my body and wishing to be someone else, but now reached a stage of loving myself and who i am, including my body at all weights and sizes - and then someone comes and says It's so easy for you to love yourself when you look the way you do. It's like they take away all my hardwork and my self love journey?

If that makes sense.

Reaching my stage of self love has little to do with my body, weight or exercise/food and almost everything to do with my mindset. Changing the way i see myself and think about myself. Learning that it is ok to make mistakes, learning to accept those things in my behaviour or personality which i dont like so much and either trying to change them (i.e actually answer phone calls and not isolate myself - 2 behaviours i dont like about myself and dont want to accept, instead need to work on changing), or accept them. But then also i cant deny that strength training has given me a form of confidence and physical strength which matches my mental strength as well as making me feel like i am good at something as well as it being a huge enjoyment which ADDS to self love - when you feel good at something and do things you love!

Each day think positive things about yourself and your body.

Write down small positive things about yourself on notes and keep them where you can see them.

When you look in the mirror or have negative thoughts, change them... for each negative thought you counteract it with 3 positive ones! 

Stop following accounts that trigger you or make you feel bad about yourself and just follow inspirational accounts.

Do things you enjoy and things you feel good at - which are positive ones!!!

Dont spend so much time infront of the mirror and NO body checking, measuring or weighing.

Stop looking at magazines or shows that trigger you or make you feel like you arent good enough.

Surround yourself with positive people.

Allow yourself to have bad days and know that we all have flaws in some form or another, and that is ok. But dont let those bad days define you.

Accept bloating - it happens to everyone.

No body checking photos.

And finally:

Do things you love and spend little time thinking about your body. The more time you spend living the less time you have for your body and for body checking or comparison!!!

^^ This was one of the most important and helpful things in my self love journey. To actually live life. If i just sat at home eating and resting all day then its like my thoughts automatically went to my body, but when i began school again, began to live life and make friends and find hobbies then my focus was less on my body and more on my goals, dreams and to do list - and of course all the school work i had which took up 90% of my brain capacity!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Learning to say no - and wanting to cry from tiredness

Hello from an extremely tried girl who is ready to just lie in bed and sleep.

Today has been a very long day where time has passed slowly and I've had far too many moments when I have just wanted to cry for no other reason than tiredness. I just wanted to curl into a ball even if I do enjoy my work I know I needed a break yesterday which I didn't take and now I'm paying the price. Feeling dizzy from the tiredness and was close to almost making someone pay for 23675 kiwis today ^-^ hahahha.

Soon i finish work and then it's just home to sleep and I think I'm free tomorrow, though I could have booked work in anyway, I am not so sure, hahah.

But all I can say is "learn to say no" because that is a lesson I definitely need to learn. Pushing last tiredness isn't worth it. I can listen to my body when it comes to exercise and food and sleep but when it comes to school work and work I can't seem to listen to my body .

However with the reminder/comment from Liz I am going to try to drill into my mind that I need to learn to say no -in all areas of my life and not just force myself to do things because I've been asked.

This evening I've both been asked to go out dancing with friends and to go to my boyfriends place and I want to say yes to both, but I know that all I need is to go home and sleep. Not a very exciting life but that's how it is sometimes.

And below is Liz ' comment which was a much needed reminder!

Just a word of advice from someone a bit older and who has done the whole "can't say no to work" thing. Learn how to say no!! Seriously. You WILL burn out, get overwhelmed, and/or resentful if you don't. If you always say yes, they will always ask. It is up to us to manage what we can handle. I used to be so afraid to say no to work, and i'd end up doing way more than i wanted or was comfortable doing. For their part, work will always take advantage if you allow them to. I'm now able to say no, even coming right out and saying "thank you, but I've actually got as much on my plate as I can handle this week". It is very liberating and empowering to learn to stand up for your own needs. It's not being a jerk or a bad employee - it's simply being selfish in a way that allows you to continue working at top form and maintain some sanity. I know it's hard, especially when you're new, but trust me it is so worth it. You won't be fired or thought poorly of. In fact, they will respect you for being honest and assertive, even if they are disappointed or whatever. Always saying yes is NOT sustainable and WILL affect your mental health negatively. The world goes on and work will figure it out, even if you say no :)  "

We grow and change over time (My past posts arent who I am now)

As we grow we also change.

Sometimes i feel like this is accurate, in some sense... hahah. In a year i change alot, i grow and progress. Realise and experience and thoughts and opinions can change.

One thing which i love but also dislike about my blog is all my old posts. I love them because 1) I can look back on them, see what i did a year or few years ago and just remember that time of my life. But also i can look back on those posts and think, wow i have changed from that mindset or those thoughts or that opinion. Or wow, i am so much more educated now and know that what i was doing back then was a mistake - which of course i couldnt have known then, i was doing the best i could out of my knowledge back then. But for me, i like seeing the progress. But it is a double edged knife in a sense, because some people look back on my old posts and think that that is still me now.... that the posts i made from 2012, 2013 or 2014 are still the me now and judge me based on those? I.e i got a comment on a post from 2013 saying "wow you are still so sick and body obsessed", or something in that style. And i was like, you know what... that post isnt exactly the best post and those pictures arent the pictures i am most proud of or would post now, but that was me 3 years ago.  ALOT changes in a year, nonetheless 3 years... so dont judge me based on who i was such a long time ago.

I can look back on those posts and realise how far i have come, while others look back on them and think that that is still who i am.

I am the first to admit that not all posts are ones i am proud of now, not all pictures are ones i am proud that i have posted but in the past it was ok. I was ok with those posts and pictures hence why they were posted, but some pictures i just feel like "Damn, can you try any harder to flex or look skinny? hahahhah." (The answer is no, because i was trying so hard.)

I dont mind people reading my old posts, they are still there for a reason (also because i dont feel like looking through all my 9230 posts i have on my blog and deleting the ones i feel are wrong or just unnecessary as well as pictures). But remember to maybe check the date of the post and remember that when i wrote personal posts that was who i was back then and the posts i make now is who i am now.

Of course in a few years time i will look back on my 2016 posts and see how much i have changed and grown and how different i may feel mentally. I'll most likely be more knowledgable in different areas of my life and realise that things i am doing now werent as great as i thought, but all i can do and know is from my knowledge right now!!!

This post is a bit of a mess but i was looking through some old posts and began thinking about this and smiled because i have grown. .Think how tragic it would be if we stayed in the same mental state, same routines, same thoughts and same everything our whole life?
  Life is about change, growing, experiencing... it is OK to admit you had wrong or did wrong in the past. I am the first to admit i have made a BUNCH of silly mistakes which i wouldnt make now, but back then they didnt seem like mistakes. I have had times i have admited that i was wrong in the past, or said things that was wrong. And also my opinion on veganism has changed, in the past i thought it was restrictive and not something i wanted to do... but look at me now, feeling great with this lifestyle (and that is what i want it to be, a lifestyle not just eating plant based. But of course i dont want to label myself either, i dont like labels.) So my opinion has changed over time and that is ok as well!!! Allow yourself to grow and change and allow yourself to admit you had wrong or to change opinions etc We are not set in stone and our thoughts and opinions arent set in stone, instead we are allowed to change how we think and what we believe in!!!

Anybody can feel good when they have their health, they bills are paid, they have happy relationships.The real challenge of growth, mentally, emotionally and spiritually Comes when you get knocked down - Motivational speech

Anybody can feel good when they have their health, they bills are paid, they have happy relationships
Anybody can be positive then,
Anybody can have a large of vision then
Anybody can have a lot of faith under those kind of circumstances
The real challenge of growth, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
Comes when you get knocked down
It takes courage to act
Part of being hungry when you’ve been defeated
It takes courage….
To start over again
Don’t allow your emotion to control you
We are emotional but we wanna begin to discipline your emotion
If you don’t discipline and contain your emotion, they will use you
You standing up for your dream
You standing up for piece of mind
You standing up for health
Take full responsibility for your life
Accepts where you are and the responsibility that you’re going to take yourself where you want to go
You can decide that I am going to live each day as if it were my last
Live your life with passion
With some drive
Decide that you are going to push yourself
The last chapter to your life has not been written yet
And it doesn’t matter about what happened yesterday
It doesn’t matter about what happened to you, what matter is
What are you going to do about it?

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Positives of the day

Tuesday evening, and a day that hasnt gone according to plan at all.

I longed for a free day with series watching, but my lack of ability to say no lead to work anyway, so my day of much needed rest didnt go as planned. And then also i realised that i dont get my first paycheck until the end of next month i think... which is not so fun as i had been looking forward to getting my paycheck today (hahah) and having money for the month of July XD

But i am going to look past those things and see the positives of the day anyway!!

Getting to eat lunch at home anyway and eat my favourite roast potatoes!

Getting to cuddle Daisy, and finding her lying in the bag of newly washed clothes!

Sunshine even if only for a few moments.

The best gym workout in a while... or well, i say that each time i have a good workout even if i had a great workout the day before hahahah.

Yesterdays dinner of all my favourite foods (after being away from home 12 hours.) - ok this was a positive from yesterday, but anyway!

I now know most of the  common PLU codes (i.e codes for fruits and vegetables and other "loose" items)

Friendly customers :) 

Coming home before 8.30pm XD 

Finally getting to watch my series now at 8pm - and also just realised now that season 7 of PLL was released last week... hahah, completely missed that. Though not sure if i even feel like watching it as i got so irritated over the fact that the show didnt end at season 6... Why drag out on the show so long? XD

And finally... all the vegan chocolate available!! Eating a whole 100g bar for myself now this evening ;););)

(Todays lunch)

(Yesterdays dinner/night snack)

How it actually looks when i take photos of my food XD

If you have any positves of the day, share them in the comments so we can inspire others to think positives and see the positives in each day :)

Remember that the reason you are doing this is to make your life better

Recovery is tough. Doesnt matter what you are recovering from, it is tough and not an easy journey. But it is so worth it when you are free, when you can look back on your struggles and realise how far you have come and how life is - and can be - so much better.

To feel those moments of happiness when you realise that Yes, i am on the right path and despite all the tough times, things are getting better. To feel the moments of, Life truly can get better.

At times when you are sick and/or struggling you can feel like things will never get better, things will never change or that you are "unique" and willl never recover, but that isnt the case. If you set your mind and decide on what you want and that you want change, then change can happen and things can get better. When it comes to a mental illness only YOU can make things better and change your thoughts, you can talk to others and have support and treatment but unless you change your thoughts and face your fears then nothing will truly change. Unless you decide to make things better they wont get better. Some people have better preconditions and support compared to others, but that doesnt mean it is impossible. You can still recover on your own and without treatment, it just means that you need to be your own guard and person making you do the things you dont want to do, compared to if you are in treatment and forced to do those things. But either way, you need to want to change and want to make things better whether in recovery or not.

When times get tough, remember why you are choosing recovery and to get better. Remember why you get up everyday and keep fighting through the tough times - and somedays it is just to wake up, do what you have to do even if you dont want to, and keep going until you see the light and things get easier!

Each recovery choice you make is making your life better. Each time you fight against the voice in your head you are choosing recovery and having a "recovery win". Each time you fight through the tough times and cope with anxiety or panic or any other extreme emotions, know that it will get easier the next time.

You are fighting to make your life better, so even if life might not feel great right now or you think life will never be great again, dont give up. Because if you keep fighting and keep trying to make changes then things will eventually get better and one day you will look back and see how far you have come!!!!

Feeling judged while food shopping

When i was struggling with my eating disorder in the past one thing which i struggled with during my recovery and post weight gain was, thinking i was being judged by cashiers (or others) at the food store.

During recovery one of my fears was to actually admit i was hungry,then to actually eat when i was hungry, and later on be able to buy food or get someone else to buy food for me. But i had many times when i would go into the store and want to buy something like chocolate but then fear of being judged by the cahsier or others in the store stopped me from buying what i wanted and so i would leave empty handed or change my chocolate to an apple instead. There eventually came a point when i realised i had to stop worrying about being judged, what did it matter if people judged me for what i bought at the store? They didnt know why i was buying it or who would eat it, and what did it matter if i bought 5 chocolate bars, 3 crisp packets and 5 chocolate cakes. It doesnt matter what others think and you are allowed to buy as much as you want and whatever food you want at the store and fear of being judged shouldnt stop you.

I can now say from experience of sitting behind a cashier and talking to others who sit at the cashier (both at my job and my friends who work at the cashier) and most of us say the same thing, we dont judge or care what people buy, in all honesty we barely even notice what items you buy. It is just words, items and numbers. And once the items have scanned we have already forgotten what item it was... or that is how it is for me anyway. 

I dont have time or energy to think about what you are buying, instead i scan the items and make sure that the item scanned is the right price and i havent scanned too many or too few items, and that is about as far as my thinking goes regarding the food the person has bought. Granted i am not a judgemental person so for me i dont personally care if someone buys 10 packs of sweets or just pizza, fries and cola. I guess i could say that i "notice" what a person buys in some form but it is not like i remember or care, everyone has the right to buy what they want and how much they want. But as mentioned i am not a judgemental person, some judge a little more than me but i think that is silly. Because 1)The cashier doesnt know where that food will go or who will eat it and 2) it doesnt matter to them anyway.

The only time that i really notice food or notice what a person is buying is when there is alot of meat or when its just meat, fish and dairy products then i feel a l ittle sad and wish i could just be like "nope sorry, you have to replace 50% of this with fruit and vegetables", hahaha JOKE. But i have noticed how cheap meat is and that makes me sad that meat is so cheap while things like meat substituts or vegan options are so much more expensive (however of course lentils, chickpeas, potatoes, rice etc are all very cheap and a great vegan source of vitamins, minerals and proteins as well as carbs!)

So, if you are worryed about being judged while at the food store then 1) You most likely arent and 2) even if someone does judge what does it matter. Doesnt even matter if they know you, food is energy and you can buy what you want! 

Also adding, even after being ok with buying food at the store and not being so worried about beind judged i still felt slightly judged if i ever bought junk food on any other day than Friday or Saturday. Though that hasnt been a problem for many years now, as you know because of my chocolate consumption XD But remember, you dont have to have certain days when you eat certain foods... unless that works for you example if you are an all or nothing person or just like having treats certain days, but for me i buy treats when i crave it and not just because it is a certain day.

So... with all this said,  Dont be scared of being judged for the food you buy. 98% of the people in the store wont judge you or care, and it shouldnt matter anyway!!! 

Monday, June 27, 2016

Monday and a new week

Hello, hello!!

It is Monday morning here in Sweden when i am writing this post, though i really dont have any track of the days at all at the moment. I thought yesterday was Monday all day until i was about to head home from work at 9.45pm and realised that the trains and trams didnt go at their usual time as it was a Sunday evening.

This morning i woke up feeling very energetic and ready for the day, even if i didnt feel that way yesterday evening. But a huge meal right before bed last night at 10.30-11pm seems to have done the trick for lots of morning energy!!

On  Saturday i took the boat home (3 hours) from the island we were on, and then i jumped onto a bus and headed to work and worked until 9.30pm. There wasnt soo many people which was nice but it also meant that the time went rather slowly and the tiredness kicked in, so when i was finally done i felt the tiredness kick in and all i wanted was to lie in my own bed. But of course the trains and trams didnt go so often so it took me roughly an hour to get home - it would have been much quicker for me to just walk home, but of course i didnt feel like walking home through a forest on my own at 9.45pm on a Saturday night :(

Then with little sleep i got up Sunday morning, headed to work and was going to work until 6.30pm but got asked if i could work until 9pm instead.... and because i struggle with saying no. I of course said yes, and my tiredness screamed "no no no no. I want my bed and series watching", hahaha. So then it was work from 10 until 9pm, luckily the time passed quickly and i got to talk to some of the other collegues at my work place.

Then a little positive from yesterday when i was on the way home. I was standing by the tube station scrolling through social media and an older guy asks me (in english) "how long i can go without looking at my phone". First i was shocked because no one talks to each other at the tube station unless asking where the right train is or something similar. But we got talking briefly and i just mentioned i had worked all day so was now checking up on all the things i had missed, and he said he had worked in the cashier in his younger days etc
  And that little brief conversation made me really happy for some strange reason. I can't explain why, but i like talking to strangers (hahaha), i wouldnt initiate conversation first but it shows that people are just human and that sometimes all you need to do is just look up from your phone, hahaha. It is  like random compliments i love those as well, both giving and recieving them!

So more random acts of kindess :)

Today, i have another 9 hour work shift and then tomorrow i am free!! Yayy, and i need to make sure to not accept any work tomorrow if i get asked as i need to just lie in my own bed for more than 6 hours XD Though i am pretty sure that if i get asked to work i will say yes. There are both positives and negatives to not being able to say no....

Anyway... mentally loading up for my work day and longing until 8pm when i finish and can just come home, hahaha.

I hope you all have a lovely day and a lovely week - make this week a great week :) And remember to think positive and find the positives with each day!

Dealig with stomach pain - family/partner who don't understand

Hi Izzy - can I ask you how you cope with living with a long term health problem? ie in your case your CF or your stomach pains for example? What effect does it have day to day in general and how does it effect your relationship with others when you are sick? Are people sympathetic and understanding or do they just don`t "get it"?
I ask because I need some advice. I have been ill so much just recently and I know people around me are getting fed up with me. Even to the extent of getting nasty comments about how I look or feel.Some evenings my partner will go the whole time not even bothering to talk to me because I am feeling ill again.
I just wondered how you cope.
If this is too personal a question I`ll understand.


Dont worry this question isn't too personal so i don't mind answering. I have written a post about how my CF affects me in my daily life, HERE. Most people outside of my family and boyfriend don't actually know i have Cystic Fibrosis as it isnt an illness that can be seen, unless the person is very sick with the illness. For me it is just the coughing, hard to breathe and medication which can be 'seen from the outside'. Otherwise i am just like another normal person. Though in the past i was very sick with my CF and would spend weeks to months away from school due to sickness and then people in my class and around me knew that i was sick and were all very understanding of why i would be gone for weeks. Now a days i dont get that sick - luckily - so i dont need to explain strange weeks of absense. With my Cystic Fibrosis people are understanding, those who know about it anyway. 

Though with my stomach pain - which is related to my CF - people arent as understanding. I have had so much stomach pain over the last year due to different reasons that by now my sister is tired of me saying i have a stomach pain and my boyfriend is pretty tired of cancelled plans or me having to just go and lie down for a while as i have so much pain. Though then that just makes me feel guilty and anxious which can make the pain worse, hahaha... so that doesnt help when people around me get irritated because i can't join in/have to cancel because i have stomach pain.
The fact is that i am very pain tolerant and can work through most of the pain i have both mentally and physically, but the stomach cramps i get... it just knocks me down each time and i have to lie curled into a ball. The core is so central and there are intestines, organs, the stomach etc which are there and so its not necessarily the stomach which is where the pain stems from, but from the lack of digestion and absorption of food (mainly high fat food and now i think too much fruit is causing my pain as well). And then things like stress and anxiety can make my stomach pain worse... but most often it is due to food that my body can't digest, and i have pinpointed a few of them but sometimes the pain occurs randomly anyway.

I find that when people can't understand a certain pain or when someone elses pain starts too affect them as well then they become less understanding, though that is not always the case. Some people try their best to understand and care even if they dont fully understand the pain the person is in. But i have found in my life that if pain lasts "too long" or you arent "normal" or your pain affects the other person then they become more rude and less sensitive, caring or understanding towards you. And it is important to not take it personally. Just like if you suffer with anxiety or panic attacks and that stops you from socializing or doing things in your life, don't take it personally if those around you can get irritated, it is not your fault, however there are ways to overcome and fight anxiety and panic and make them less or atleast managable so you can live a somewhat normal life :)

But back to stomach pain. If you have any type of digestion issues or IBS or other stomach issues then the pain involved can be awful and also long lasting, and unless someone has that type of stomach pain they can't always relate.. so then they think it is just to take a painkiller and get up and go, and sure that works sometimes but not always. Even if people around you can't understand you need to do what is best for you.

Sometimes there is a solution and remedy for the stomach pain, othertimes there isnt but the important thing i guess is to learn to cope and manage and not let it affect your life too much, but not feel guilty when it does knock you down.

Communication is key with your partner and family members and friends and if they can't understand or be helpful then that is their choice and you shouldn't be made too feel guilty just because you have pain. One day maybe the pain will be gone and managable and you will be back to your regular self!!

 I dont really know if i have answered the questioned or even been helpful in this post, hahaha. A little tired this morning, but to summarize: My sister and boyfriend are tired of my constant stomach pain, that can make me feel anxious which worsens the pain. But i have learnt that my stomach pain isn't an excuse or just a little pain, it is due to digestion issues or stress/anxiety and with the digestion issues there isnt much i can do about it apart from avoid food that causes me pain and with stress/anxiety i need to do less of that and hopefully that will help. But being made to feel guilty because i have to cancel plans will just make me feel worse, which i dont think those around me know about. But i have learnt to listen to my body and know when i can just take a pain killer and get through the day/night and times when i just need to cancel everything and lie in bed because i have too much pain. And learning to be ok with the choice i make and not care what others think about that choice, instead doing what is best for me. If people can't understand my stomach pain, then that is their problem and not mine and i am doing my best to solve the problem as best i can but as my dietician has said, "when you have CF you need to learn to live with stomach pain", so its basically a life long thing in some form or another.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Eating times according to work or study schedule

Something which is relevant and seemed important to write about is eating while on a work or study schedule.  Because when you work you don't always have lots of time to eat or meal times don't match meal plan times or the times you want to eat, but you need to make sure to get enough energy anyway!

The important thing to think about is 1) you need lots of energy while working so skipping meals or eating less shouldn't be an option or thought. 

Instead planning is key!

Plan ahead and bring enough food with you. Hopefully you already know your schedule so you know when you have breaks and for how long and when you can eat what. For example if you have 15 minutes,  that's enough time to eat a home made flap jack or a bar or even a sandwich.

You might not be able to eat meals in the order you want to, for example ypu might have to eat breakfast and morning snack together and then your afternoon snack at 11 and lunch at 3pm and then maybe dinner and night snack when ypu have time for it later on. Etc  for example when I work until 9/9.30 it works best for me to eat dinner when I get home I. E around 10.30pm and instead just eat a huge snack around 6/7pm when I have a 15-20 minute break.

Plan your eating around your schedule and be prepared with food. Eating isn't an option,  it's something you need everyday.

Some tips for easy snacks are:

Home made bars and flapjacks
Smoothies or chia pudding or over night oats if you can keep them on a fridge



Home made muffins either sweet or savoury

Home made banana bread

Dried fruit

Nuts (if allowed)

Etc etc

Plan ahead and keep yourself fueled! Find what works for you, for example i find that eating lots when i get home from work suits me best but still staying fueled at work with fruit, sandwiches and oat drinks!

Also if you find that stress from work makes you lose your appetite then eating food that is calorie dense so that you don't have to eat lots but still get the energy amount you need :)

Food is fuel!

18 things i want to do this summer

Have my first swim in the water for this summer season. I am not much of a water person and 99% of the time dont go into the water to swim/bathe, but it feels like i have to atleast go waist deep into the water each summer, hahah.

I want to eat at Hälsocafet (You can see their food HERE)  I live rather close so it isnt distance stopping me, i just havent gone there, hahah. But when i do go there i want to order many different things because it all looks so good!

I want to eat at the cafe Good store and try their mylkshakes!

I want to go to a strawberry farm (?) and pick strawberries.

Pick fresh blueberries when they begin to grow.

I want to go on a roadtrip somewhere.

I want to sit at a fancy bar and drink cocktails outside with my friends.

I want to get up and watch the sunrise one morning.

I want to hike up a mountain.

I want to have a picnic somewhere!

I want to go exploring somewhere new whether its a new part of Stockholm, another city or just a new route in the forest i live by!

I want to make my own home made sushi.

I want to start and finish reading a book this summer... though this feels like a little optimistic with my lack of time at the moment, haha.

I want to spend a week in a summer cottage with good weather the whole week, where i can just go for runs and walks, be with my family, lie on the beach, eat good food and have a "summer get away". ( This is a goal, but i dont think it will happen this year)

I want to watch a movie during the outside cinema with my friends!

I want to have a weekend away with my friends at a summer cottage.

I want to travel away somewhere for just a few days!

I want to go to a spa and get a massage and just relax in warm pools and the spa atmosphere!

Saturday, June 25, 2016

New day and wanting to be positive - having goals and dream

Hello :)

Saturday morning and only 90 minutes before i am on the boat back to Stockholm again. I didnt have any plans for today so when my job called and asked if i could work today i said i could work once i got back to Stokholm, so a few hours of work today, and then a whole day of work tomorrow and Monday!
   It will be many hours of work, but i have a goal of saving up all the money i earn and travelling in the future as well as having savings to rely on in the future, which is always a good idea. But i like knowing that if i work lots now then i can travel in the future and do things i enjoy, so putting in the work to reach my goals and dreams :)

Thats how i see many things in life - that you have to put in hard work to reach goals most often, or you need to change things or do things you dont always love to reach a goal. Of course some goals are easier to reach, but others require more hard work. However what is always important to me is that the work i do or what i do to reach my goals should make me happy. I dont want to do things i hate or things that make me unhappy just to reach a goal. For example i would like to run a marathon but i know that if i were to begin training for a marathon now my body would just break as i have injuries and such which prevent me from being able to run 42km. So maybe a marathon isnt a realistic goal for me, but another half marathon maybe - but to reach that goal the training should be fun as well. I loved my long runs before my half marathon last year, and that is what made the whole process so much fun and then finally reaching that goal of completing the race. Just like now with work, it isnt always 100% fun, but i enjoy it to some extent and i know when i get my paycheck it will feel even more awesome as well! Also i am the type of person who loves having structure and doing things and not just lying in bed all day, but having places to be and things to do so work and school are a way for me to have structure and feel like i am doing something!!

So much work talk, hahaha.

Otherwise,I am going to buy a journal and start journaling again. I want to buy a pretty one which gets me inspired to write in it. Write my thoughts, goals, dreams etc. Not have to filter myself there but just write! !!

I also want to try make changes to my blog once I get some time and get my first pay check ^-^ new theme and maybe new portal if I can get it all to workout.  I want to update and change my blog and just make it more fresh... but lack of  technical skills and lack of economy have kept me from doing that, as well as lack of time!! Who knows! !

Need to keep progressing and moving forward in all areas of life :)

Friday, June 24, 2016

4 donts of eating disorder recovery

  1. DON’T hold onto clothes that fit your sick body but no longer fit your healthy body. That’s like holding onto your tricycle and periodically trying to switch back to it from the bike you ride every day. If you think it won’t trigger you, trust me - in a moment of weakness, it will and it’s just a matter of time so don’t even risk it.
  2. DON’T hold onto friendships that are can potentially be triggering or toxic to you in any way. Unfortunately, this often includes people you’ve befriended in treatment but isn’t limited to it. This is a very important albeit difficult step to take but it’s time for you to think about YOUR health and wellbeing here. If it’s not part of the solution, then it’s a part of the problem. It’s not you being mean or cruel, it’s you making sure that you can live the ed-free and full life that you deserve. 
  3. DON’T hold onto your scale - food scales included! Your weight will fluctuate from day to day (as will the amount of food you eat) depending on a variety of factors and let’s face it - whether you’re just starting to recover or are almost there, having an ED-past and owning a scale just doesn’t add up to anything productive and can potentially be a trigger for a downward spiral in the future. I haven’t owned a scale in 5 years and my life hasn’t been negatively affected in the least - toss it and forget about it guys!
  4. DON’T hold onto ED mementos (photos, diaries etc.) if they’ve ever served as a trigger for you in the past. If you have days when you’re feeling off balance and you tend to reach for your thigh gap pics from way back when to motivate unhealthy behavior - you need to get rid of them NOW. If when you feel sad you tend to re-read journal entries outlining your minuscule intake of ED-past and dwell on eating like a normal human being now - you need to toss out these journals and not look back. Clinging to the past is a direct link to potentially ending up right where you started so don’t go there.


Midsummer celebrations 2016

Hello ;)

And once again it is time for midsummer celebrations here in Sweden, or well the celebrations are mostly over for me now. Retreating to the sofa with my computer and a cup of tea as my stomach pain kicks in. But it has been a very good day otherwise!!

The day started at 6am after only a few hours of sleep, but the rain pouring down on the roof made it impossible for me to sleep any longer. By 6.45am when the rain had lessened i thought i would dare to take a walk/run, but just 10 minutes into my walk it poured down like crazy and i am no super bad ass, dont care about the weather, so it was just to return home and take a warm shower instead. Some say, theres no bad weather only bad clothing. I say, there is no point walking or running in the rain if it isnt necessary or you find it therapeutic... it was neither for me this morning, hahaha.

Breakfast began with fruit and then a part two of breakfast when my family woke up.

And then after that i began making the midsummer cake - 3 layers with nutella, cream and strawberry mash/jam! Apparently it got 10/10. I was content with fruit salad, oat cream and vegan cookies! (i.e dessert eaten after our delicious midsummer lunch).
And i also made a tofu mix, home made beetroot salad and potatoe salad which i enjoyed for midsummer lunch as well as soya balls, hasselback potatoes and salad.

Apart from food and eating what have we done? We went to see the maypole and to watch the traditional boat arrive to the island which had some midsummer decorations, and that was as festive as it got, hahaha.

It feels like this day has just revolved around food today... maybe its just me? Or do festive occasions always revolved around food a little too much... but i guess thats part of society as well, food is a social thing. And i have no problem with that, i love food but it feels like it has just been food, make food, prepare food, eat food, decorate food... wait and then eat more food again? hahahah.
Though who am i to complain, i love it also!!!!

This evening it will be family time and we might watch a film or play some card games, and then tomorrow i am heading home again and it will be nice to head home. I've had a bit of anxiety being away and longed home, but i know that i am barely spending 48 hours here so the anxiety is irrational and silly!

It is always like that... you know the anxiety is silly and irrational but still it is there. However when you begin to realise that the anxiety is irrational it does get easier to cope!
So remember that, if you ever get anxiety over certain things and you know it is silly remind yourself of that and it can be easier to try to change your thoughts and feelings and the anxiety might lessen :)

For now, it is family time :)

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Self hate and self attacks

#quotes #wisewords Self hate. Self attacks. Depression. Self compassion. One good exercise to do during an attack, or at anytime, is to softly and deeply breath in compassion and kindness. This often brings tears which is good. It's like ice melting which softens the harshness. Underneath the ice is an innocent and happy human being that have just experienced many difficult times.:
Just not to the kids:

Thursday update & my energy levels on a vegan diet

Hello :):)

You know it is going to be a positive post when there are two smileys after the "hello", haha.

This post is mainly just an update and then a readers question at the end. 

Yesterday was my long work day, i got to the store at 11.30am and didnt leave until 9.45pm. Luckily the time passed quickly and people weren't all too stressed or rude. But of course the days before a hightime like midsummer the stores are always a little crazy and people are generally more stressed and impatient. I managed to keep my cool and deal with the rude people and solve the problems that arose. It was a very good work day yesterday despite the long hours, the only thing though is that i drink alot of water which means i also need alot of bathroom breaks and that isnt possible when sitting at the cashier. And as everyone was working and there was so much to do i had to wait until my scheduled break until i could go to the bathroom.... i think that is the worst thing about the job so far, hahaha. Otherwise i have actually gotten alot of praise from both the manager who called to tell me that he had heard good things about me from the others working at the store, and also the others in the cashier have told me they are surprised at how fast i have learnt and gotten into the flow of things as well as being surprised that i managed to work so many hours after just 2 days of working there. So that is always nice to hear... maybe i amnt so bad as i think i am, even if i have made mistakes thats only 5% compared to the 95% i have done right?

Need to focus on the positive and the good things i do and have done, instead of getting caught up on the small mistakes that might happen though hav definitely lessened since the first work shift, hahah.

Anyway, moving onto today, Thursday.
First up a morning workout where i had so much physical energy even if the mental energy was lacking a little from yesterday. But it always feels good when there is physical energy and you feel strong even if my head isnt in the game.

Which brings me to a question i wanted to answer.
I got a comment saying that i mentioned i was often feeling tired and maybe that was connected to my change in diet, and whether i was eating enough.

And energy wise i have lots of energy. Lots more energy than i did just a few months ago and since eating vegan i feel so much more energized, both physically and mentally. So even if i say i am tired, it is not the same sort of tired as before. However my tiredness stems from the sleep problems i have sometimes as well as being a little too addicted to caffeine which makes me tired instead of energized and also that i am good at doing too many things at once and not saying no. So sometimes i do too much in a day or spend a whole week doing too much and then it takes a few days of recuperation and then i am back to my energized self again.

When i say i am tired i mean i am mentally tired and not so much physically tired. So physically i have lots of energy which is also from eating so much which is a plus!!

I thought i might do a "daily question" or well not daily,  but maybe a few times a week i'll answer some random question i get in one of my posts or a question i think might be relevant to answer in a post. So not an advice post, but just if you have any questions you wonder about :)

And finally.... after my workout today i made another cauliflower pizza, and each time i make the base it just tastes better and better. Same recipe (i.e cauliflower, corn flour, flax seeds and oil!), and then i topped it with vegan cream cheese and nutritional yeast and some kebab oumph, fried onion (?) and sweet corn and fruit on the side!
This lunch was so amazingly good, and i wish i had had enough ingredients to make two pizza bases as the pizza was sooo good. (Though in all honesty, i dont think i should call it pizza, because it isnt? It basically lacks everything that a pizza actually is i.e dough, tomatoe sauce and cheese XD)

For now i need to pack and soon we are off to the island!!