Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

What were things that scared me most during recovery/about recovery and how do i feel about them now.

What were things that scared me most during recovery/about recovery and how do i feel about them now.
  I think that if you can, you should write down your fears you have and really question yourself.... ask yourself why they scare you and how you can change that.

And i might make a part 2 of this as there were many fears i had which have now changed, or things i thought in the past but my opinion is changed. If you have any certain topics you would like me to write about... such as what i thought about something and how i think about it now etc

Weight gain/all the weight going to my stomach/being super bloated.

Those 3 things scared me immensely, and there was no real argument or reason for why i was so scared of gaining weight or all the weight going to my stomach. Its something in the head, but its also something society has told everyone... that you need to have a flat stomach or look skinny to be accepted or happy or pretty. Which isnt the case.
  During recovery i gained weight all over my body and since then the 2,5 years i have been recovered and had a healthy body my body has changed and changed and changed. Not intentionally, it just sort of changes depending on circumstances. If im stressed then my body holds onto water, i bloat like crazy, i even gain some fat. Or it can go the other way sometimes where i end up losing weight and fat and just feeling very 'tiny' because my body isnt holding any water.
  Now weight gain, fat gain on my stomach or being super bloated really didnt bother me. I bloat often depending on circumstances, sometimes i dont bloat at all, sometimes its constant for 3-5 days. We dont own a scale at home so i dont know my weight and that number doesnt really matter to me... it goes up and down, just like a human body naturally does. So my tip to you all.... if you can, throw away your scale.If you go to treatment, then let them weigh you and dont care about weighing yourself at home. That number really doesnt matter or define you!!

Eating foods with sugar/carbs/fat(foods with higher fat percent) and all my fear foods which was a long list containing like 95% of all foods.

Recovery was a process of trying fear foods several times because NO, its not enough to try it just once and then decide whether you like it or not. Now i dont have any foods that scare me or any foods that are restricted. I eat what i crave whether its 3 fried eggs, my step dads pancakes or my mums lentil soup.... or maybe even some carrots and fruit as a snack. It all depends. Am i craving that chocolate muffin? Then ill eat it, if i can get one anyway!! Food is energy which my body needs and as i dont see food in numbers then its easier to eat because you know its just food... not 200 of this or 500 of that.
  Also frying food in butter/oil or using cream in dishes all of that is just normal, i dont even think about it. Like when i was asked to fill in my food diary for 4 days during summer for my dietician i didnt even think about adding those to my intake as they are just things i use and the same with putting spread on bread or crisp bread.... its just normal. I mean... eating dry crisp bread... ive done that before and i can tell you, its pretty much like eating cardboard. But crisp bread with avocado and cottage cheese or with fried egg or even just spread and some herb salt... now THATS delicious :)

Being scared of resting

Sometimes its scary to think just how messed up your thoughts are when you are sick. To think that 10 minutes of resting will make you gain weight? Well i can tell you, everyone would be overweight if that was the case. (And yes, i know that a large % of people are over weight, but it has got to do with so much more than just resting... ). Now i throughly enjoy lying in bed and just watching films or series or sitting during my lunch breaks and working on school stuff or just sitting and talking. I no longer count the hours and minutes i spend sitting because well.... who does that? I dont count the hours i am active or the amount of breaths i take or the amounts of steps i take.... that just isnt necessary.

These are just 3 of the things that scared me about recovery, but if you want i can write about some more... or you can comment things you are scared of and i can write my thoughts about them :)


  1. I remember you saying that one of the earliest things that led to your eating disorder was the dislike of eating with others - ie having other people see you eat. How did you overcome this and are you at all still a bit self conscious about it today? Do you feel uncomfortable eating when others do not or about the food or the amount you are eating compared to them? If this was an issue for you during recovery how did you over come it?
    How did you cope from eating very little to being made to start recovery? As an adult in recovery I made my own choice to recover - but you were very young and that decision was made for you. Did it make your recovery experience harder or easier knowing that it wasn't your choice?

  2. Do you think in patient treatment is the best for a successful recovery? Do you think your stay in hospital benefited you more than it would have done if you and your family had to manage your recovery at home?
    How did you feel about having to recover? Were you even aware there was a problem?
    Now, as an adult, is there anything about your recovery that you wish had been different?

  3. How do you feel now knowing that you can eat any food and not be scared of it? Do you ever think back to when you had fear foods and wonder why/or how you managed to overcome them?
    Was it scary coming off your meal plan and learning to eat intuitively? Was it hard learning to trust your body?

    1. Thank you for all the great questions, i will try to answer them as soon as i can in a few posts :)

  4. Do you still have any habits/behaviours from your ED that have stayed with you even now?