Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, May 19, 2016

Striving for weight loss when it's not even necessary

One of the things I hate most about weight loss is the tiredness and weakness  . Feeling like you have no energy and like even simple things are 10 times harder. That despite eating the fuel isn't enough for your body so the energy from food just goes to keeping you alive and not enough left to actually feel alive and do things. 

Just losing a bit of weight and I feel like skin and bones - even if that is not the case, but it is not a nice feeling.  It's strange how in the past all I wanted was to feel skinny, to be the skinniest but I rarely felt that way. I just felt fat and like a beached whale. Now all I want is to feel healthy, strong, energetic and lively! And that is felt through eating enough and the body absorbing the energy so that you can live life and do all the things you want to do, and that feeling is rhe best feeling. Not the tiredness, weakness and just lack of motivation which comes with weight loss.

Think about why do you think weight loss is so great? It really isn't. .. a body size smaller? But for what.... tiredness, dry skin and thin hair, dizziness, unmotivated. .... not fun and not worth it at all.
Having energy and strength and happiness, that is what you should aim for. No matter what size or weight that is! Eat for energy and function not just to look a certain size.

I am one of those people who most people despise because i can eat "alot" and still lose weight. It isnt as great as it sounds.... to eat alot but then still feel like you have no energy, feel cold and also no strength, nope not fun at all and not a choice either. 

I have lost some weight recently, and i have noticed it but then when i was at the CF clinic i was weighed and got to see my weight. Of course i am still in the healthy range, but not at the weight where i feel best at and most energetic, so now its time to get back to that weight... and how will i do that? Just eat more and more calorie dense food. I dont track calories or macros and dont weigh or measure food and i dont weigh myself either, so all i am going to do is make conscious choices to eat more and make sure to add more oil to my food. Such as when i bake potatoes ill add extra oil, and going to add coconut oil into my oatmeal and use 80g instead of 40g and lots and lots of dates, avocado and nuts to help me get back to the weight i feel best at!!

I dont write this trigger anyone, infact i write it to do the opposite... to inspire you to want to gain weight as well (if you need to, that is). To get to a healthy weight, a weight where your body feels best at and you feel lively. Weight gain isnt a bad thing, i mean i'm healthy but i am now focusing on gaining weight. It may be summer and half the population is trying to lose weight, but nope... weight gain is the goal for me!  I dont weigh myself so i am not focusing on a number, but focusing on getting back that "strong, healthy, alive" feeling which i have at my healthy set point!!

(Of course one of the things i have been worried about regarding my change in diet is not being able to eat enough for calorie goals, and that has been the thing keeping me from making changes. There is alot of fiber in my diet which means that not all the food is absorbed as well as my body not absorbing fats so easily due to my CF, but hopefully i'll be able to gain weight eating the way i am!)


  1. Sometimes when I read your posts I have the feeling that,of course yo have overcomed your eating disorder, but you are not facing other issues.
    You are always writting about how ocuppied you are all day studying, but sometimes when reading I wonder how much are you enjoying the things you do.

    1. studyings just part of college life though. Its really hard to enjoy things when youre in school worrying about exams etc and have a hectic schedule.

      -fellow college student who's always extremely stressed and cannot enjoy anything haha :p

    2. thats not the point,because in life there are always schedules and deadlines ,first at school before at uni and after at work hahaha

    3. Yeah, but there are still times when you're more stressed in life and you have less time to enjoy things. Doesn't mean it'll always be like that and you'll be like that forever, but for a few months or so, or until a deadline passes, sacrificing some enjoyment to get things done that you know will benefit you more in the long run so you can enjoy life more later on is sometimes better than not.

  2. Hi Izzy :) I have a question. So its summer and i'm doing 8 hour shifts for work over the summer at school. Nothing fancy but it means i'm sitting in an office for 8 hours. I don't have a fridge and am here for lunch so I pack snacks and stuff to eat throughout the day. However...they don't really last throughout the day as I find myself eating them all relatively quickly. My mind just automatically is like, there's food in the room, you must eat it. This happens all the time and I can never not eat food when its available and really have problems saving food for later. I've been treated for anorexia after I got down to a low body weight and am still kind of low but not dangerously. I'm basically in the half recovered phase. But anyway, how do I keep myself from eating (yes I understand that that sounds terrible coming from someone who was/is anorexic). I just don't like this out of control feeling i get when im around food. Yes I do workout (and probably more than I should) but I do eat food after since im starving and I really honestly try to eat a wide variety of food and get in nutrients etc and try to eat enough calories so I can run like i like to. I would go out to eat for lunch but i'm a poor college student haha and cant do that. I could go home for lunch but i'm still a little people shy when it comes to eating, especially since I live in a greek life house with a lot of other people. But thats a whole nother thing! haha I hope you have a good day and can get back to feeling your best :)

    1. Not Izzy here, but I struggled a lot with this during my own recovery. And basically? You already know the answer - you are half recovered. The food obsessions and preoccupation will not go away until you take the leap toward full recovery. To me (and also my own experience), it sounds like you are still not eating enough. You also stated you are still underweight. Until those issues are resolved, you are not going to have any success of progress with your problem. Only when the body is nourished, satisfied, and safe will your mind let go of the food obsession. I was the exact same - any food present around me would cause me to obsess over it. I was hyper-aware of food, and felt terrified because it felt out of control and like I would always be this obsessed. When I finally started feeding myself enough, that's when the preoccupation finally faded. There is no other solution. The mind will always focus on food (survival brain) until its need for it has been satisfied. In terms of the lunch issue, invest in a cooler bag/ice pack combo. And eat a good breakfast before work - eat for fullness, not according to your idea of clean or healthy or what you feel a "good" breakfast "should" be or whatever. You need to be full and satisfied. And have another meal available for next time you are hungry. Also, have patience with yourself. It takes some time for your mind to learn to trust that another full meal is coming. Take that leap - the stage you are in is miserable, if it is anything like my own experience. Don't sell yourself short - go after the freedom of full recovery. I wasted YEARS of my life in that stage. Don't let that happen to you.

  3. Hi Izzy,
    Do you think a long-term consequence of having had anorexia is really struggling strength / fitness-wise if your weight dips? Before I was ill I could easily go long periods without having food without thinking about it. Then I developed anorexia and am now at a much healthier weight again but I absolutely can't manage going without food! I eat regularly or I feel really rough - no energy, excessively hungry etc. I do a lot of exercise now and stand no chance if I don't keep on top of the food. The same goes for if my weight dips by even a couple of pounds. I feel really out-of-energy as a result.
    I wondered about your thoughts on it? Is this a feature of having recovered from anorexia do you think? I know you have cf too so your nutritional needs are different anyway but maybe its a bit of a thing for people who have once been at such a low weight / starved for a long period of time?
    Thanks :-)

    1. For what it's worth, I have noticed this same thing thing in my own life. I have been recovered for maybe 8 years, and I definitely feel differently post-ED than I did pre-ED. Particularly in the first six years, I had zero tolerance for hunger. Zero. Any amount of undereating resulted in weakness and food preoccupation. Llike if I was at work and had to eat on their schedule instead of my own, I would notice big-time my energy flagging. A busy few days where I accidentally ate less, and I would feel very depleted. I didn't know if something had physiologically/biologically changed within myself, or if it was due to my ED simply leaving me very mentally attuned to my body. Either way, it was often uncomfortable and I resented it because, since I was recovered, I wanted to be completely done with food/body awareness, but my body and brain wouldn't let me. Now that I am writing this, though, I am realizing that this has changed. So given enough time, it might change for you, too. I don't worry about having access to food, and even if I'm hungry I'm able to continue with my activities until I get the chance to eat. I feel my attitude toward eating is mostly like what "normal" people are like now. I think my body and brain have finally come to a place where they know that food IS always coming, eventually. Before, hunger could mean the oncoming of potential starvation. My body would react to that, with physical memory. Now, hunger is just a signal that I should get some food at some point. I don't carry snacks with me anymore (I used to have emergency nuts or a bar or whatever, just in case, because I hated that feeling of hunger and the weakness that could come from it), and I think my body and brain are just, finally, over it :). Now, I was sick for ten years, and then other issues caused food scarcity for several years more, so your times may vary in regards to how long it takes to normalize. There's nothing inherently wrong with being super-attuned to your body, but I personally found it really, well, inconvenient and sometimes a source of stress, so I'm glad it's over. I am now probably more attuned to my body than most people just due to the journey I've taken to get to today, but it's no longer intrusive, it's an asset :)

  4. I can imagine it must be hard trying to gain weight on a vegan diet, especially like you say your body doesn't absorb fats very well.
    I hope it is possible for your sake because I understand how much you want to follow this way of eating. But if it isn't you can still eat the foods you like from a vegan diet but maybe have to supplement them with a few that aren't just so that you can get your weight back up and keep it. I would say your health and CF needs have to come first, its no good if you become ill because your diet doesn't suit you. But I know you know all this already - I`m just concerned for you! You seem to have had a good handle on what your body needed before you began this way of eating and I`m sure you still have. Just take care and if it doesn't work out then you are not a failiure - this way of eating doesn't suit everyone and you have so much at stake (())

  5. You say you eat a lot of food but looking at your food diary pictures and when you write about the food you have eaten you aren't really eating that many calories. True you may be eating quite a high volume of food but its not calorie dense, Maybe this is the reason for your weight loss? Perhaps you should eat foods with more calories rather than so much fruit and vegetables?