Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, May 21, 2016

Friday night spent at the emergency room and a nightmare of mine come true

Hello.

While others are out partying on a Friday night i instead spent mine lying on a hospital bed under one of those typical yellow blankets and freezin despite having a fever. Safe to say that my Friday was not spent the way i wanted it to.

The past few days i have felt very low in energy, tired, weak and also ahd alot of stomach pain. Though i thought the tiredness and weakness was from my weightloss and the stomach pain from all the increased fiber i was getting in my diet. Though on Friday morning i began to feel alot of pain in my stomach and by 10/11am it felt like stabbing pains in the left side of my stomach.. like someone put a knife into the left side of my torse, turned it around a few times and the pain spread to my back and then the pain went away only to return a few minutes later and repeat.

My plan had been to travel to Stockholm for Saturday as i had a few things i needed to do in Stockholm but instead i ended up lying curled into a ball with the pain not knowing what to do. I have very high pain tolerance and dont go to the doctor unless absaloutly necessary and most of the time it is because i have to go, not because i want to do. But yesterday i couldnt help from crying from the pain i had and so eventually i called my mum and asked her what to do and she told me to go to the emergency room as it could be something due to my pancreas or the gallstones i have, or it could just be something with stomach like excess of stomach acid or something like that. But either way, the pain wasnt normal to have and my mum was very worried so she told me i had to go to the emergency room, so thats what i did. I called a taxi, managed to pack my computer, phone charger and a pair of sports pants before jumping into the taxi and from there it all seems a bit like a blur.

After waiting 90 minutes at the emergency room, and feeling like i was slippping in and out of sleep/consciousness, i finally got to meet a nurse where tests were done and i had a fever, a resting pulse of 100 (and considering that my resting pulse is around 50 usually, something was definitely going on in my body) and my blood tests showed signs of inflammation in my pancreas which was what i thought it might be. So for the next few hours i lay on a hospital bed in the emergency room and was in and out of consciousness/an awake state, and around 9pm - 6 hours after getting to the emergency room i was finally given painkillers and an IV drop as i hadnt been able to eat or drink anything all Frday and hadnt been able to consume so much due to illness as well as my body not keeping anything in on Thursday. When i got the painkillers as well as the IV liquid with glucose, salt and vitamins/minerals i began to feel better and more alert and was for the first time able to stand up and go to the bathroom, my parents had also travelled from Stockholm to make sure that i was ok so they stayed until i had gotten a bed in one of the  hospital sections and then they left and i tried to sleep. Which didnt work so well as the 3 other patients in the room snored like crazy, one of them talked/shouted in their sleep as well as one of the patients thinking it was a good idea to call 5 different people at 5.45am... and then of course the fact that the nurses have to come in and check on the patients and take a blood pressure, fever as well as my blood sugar as i am getting glucose from an IV drop.

So my night wasnt the best, but this morning i am not in so much pain anyway. Mostly feeling dizzy, tired and a sever headache which might be from the fact that i havent drunk water or eaten for such a long time... so even if my cells are getting the energy they need, it cant take away the fact that my throat is dry like sandpaper and my mind is telling me that i need to eat.

Today i am going to get an ultrasound to see what the problem may be and then we will see what has to be done. I am hoping that it is nothing serious, that it was just a little inflammation that has gone away now or that maybe it was my gallstone but that it was nothing serious as i just want to go home now. And i cant deny that i have spent half the morning crying as i hate being at hospital and it brings back so many memories of all my hospitals in my life - all the times as inpatient for my CF, at the psychaitrac ward, Mando, tube feeding etc - it has always been a nightmare of mine to be back in hospital and now here i am..... Yesterday though i just wanted the pain to end so i didnt care, i was like "fine if i have to stay, just make the pain end" and today when i dont have so much pain all the anxiety over actually being in hospital hits me hard and i just want to walk out the doors right now and refuse to ever set foot in a hospital again. Infact this hospital stay just makes me even more reclined to actually seek help when i have pain as i dont want to be admitted, i dont want to stay in hospital or have my freedom taken away from me.

But i dont want to complain, i've had my morning of crying and now i just want to get my ultrasound done, hopefully be told that i can go home and then move on!! Anyway, feeling better this morning but yesterday was definitely a terrible day which i dont want a repeat of!!

Hopefully you are all doing well, and i will be back to blogging as soon as i have the time/energy :)






17 comments:

  1. <3<3 to you Izzy - virtual *hugs*

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  2. Oh my Izzy! Im so sorry! And so worried about you. Please take care of yourself and rest don't hurry up stay in hospitality it may be needed! It's better to check this all and be a little bit too careful than risk! Praying for you. Lots of love xxx update us!

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    1. Thank you :) Dont worry i wont rush back into anything, i am going to take it easy for a while but i am feeling much much better!

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  3. Thinking of you Izzy and hope you feel better soon xx

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  4. hope you're okay, that all sounds horrible :( a week ago I had a really similar experience and I know how frustrating it is being bed bound, but I found it useful to re evaluate and also relax for a bit (take it easy!!!). Anyway I hope you feel better soon, and try not to expect too much from yourself because your health comes first! Xxx

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    1. Thank you :) Hospitals suck in general, not just the bed bound thing... just everything about hospitals. Infact i dont think i have ever been so unrelaxed while in a bed... i just sat waiting for a doctor all day until i realised no doctor was coming and that i had no option but to lie back down and wait until tomorrow.

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  5. I wish you all the Best in the world Izzy ;) Get well sooooon !!!!!!!!! You can pass this ;) Even though it may seem hard now, you will feel so so much relief if it is over afterwards ;) *_*
    xxxx Ange <3

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    1. Thank you :) I am already feeling better, so i can see the positives already and hope tobe back to usual soon. It was nothing to serious which is a good thing, so just need to take antiinflammatory pills and hopefully it will be better :)

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  6. What??you hate hospitals becouse your experience with anorexia???well you had an adicction with exercise and you keep going to gyms.
    I mean, please dont loose your track

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    1. In the past being at an eating disorder clinic absaloutly sucked because i couldnt exercise.. i havent exactly kept that a secret? But now being in a hospital brings back so many bad memories and takes away my freedom and is just awful in every way possible - for myself. It has nothing to do with not being able to exercise? Resting is not a problem for me and in this case i dont even have the energy or motivation to exercise so its not like it makes a difference if i am at home or in hospital as i cant/wouldnt exercise anyway, but its much nicer to be at home and lying in my own bed than to be attached to an IV drop and have 3 people around me coughing and nurses running around and sitting alone with anxiety because i have spent 25% of my life locked up in hospitals.

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  7. My thoughts are with you Izzy and I really hope you are well enough to go home soon. I totally understand where you are coming from with the hospital thing as I have had those feelings too. There is nothing like your own bed and your own family when you are recovering so I hope you get those things soon.
    Take care of yourself and rest as much as you can. Thinking of you and wish you well (())

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  9. I totally know what you mean by hating the hospital after all you've been through in the past. I have developed huge fear of hospitals, doctors, treatment centers etc. because of past experiences. I feel traumatized. Now i get bad anxiety just thinking about the hospital and doctor visit and i stress for weeks if i know i have an appointment in the future. even though its just a check up. I feel like I'm always expecting the worst. My tip is to try to turn your mindset around. instead of hating the hospital think about how extremely lucky we are to live in a country with really good hospitals and doctors, that can help us when needed, cure illnesses and save lives. we are so privileged to have high-quality health care so accessible. There are so many people around the world who dont get the help they need :( I know its hard to change perspective when you find yourself in a hospital bed, scared and full of anxiety, but its worth a try. And remember; everything is going to be alright! <3

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  10. ^it always makes me sad to read other people feeling this way! I felt like that too for so long, and I thought I always would, but IT GOT BETTER and went away too -- and now I'm not scared of doctors any more. It makes me so sad to think that lots of other people struggle with these things .... Hope it gets better for everyone <3

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