Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Do i have a food obsession? My self analysis

Every now and then i think its good to stop and take a moment and do a bit of a self analysis over your life and yourself or your behaviours. Just take a moment and ask yourself why you do certain things, are you happy, can you change anything in your life, or just take a look at habits and daily routines and do a little self analysis.

For me my self analysis is whether i have a food obsession or not. This post will be writing my thoughts as i think them, and self reflecting... so no filter, but hopefully it will be readable, but i am also writing this for my sake as well :)

So.... food is a rather big deal in my life compared to others. For some the amount of time they think about food is basically when they are hungry or get strong cravings... but even then some dont even eat when they are hungry because 1) they dont want to cook or buy food so rather not eat or 2) think they dont have time to eat so just skip eating... and thats about as far as their food thoughts go.

And then there is those who are obsessed with food... their whole life revolves around food, calories, recipes, what they can eat or cant eat. Baking and making food for others, constantly watching food programs and walking around in food stores.... food controls their life and their thoughts and they cant get anything else done in life because their thoughts are on food and they dont get their work or study done.

And then there is those who work with food, either baking food, cooking food, having to count calories or create meal plans for people or create recipes or meals for events, organisations etc They spend most of their working hours with thoughts on food, but the other time of their life/thinking time is not spent on food... or their thoughts are on what they will make for dinner, or maybe they have already meal prepped so that they dont have to think about what they will eat later and their food is already prepared, just waiting to be heated up.

Me... i am somewhere inbetween all of that.

To the outside and especially through my social media i can look food obsessed.... quotes about food, pictures about food, trying new recipes? Just shouts obsession from the outside, or so i am told.

I dont see myself as food obsessed, but then again maybe i am? A little anyway... but the thing is that food DOESNT control me, and thats the difference compared with someone who is sick/has a complete food obsession due to an eating disorder.

I do take pictures of my food but that is for social media, because it has been requested on my blog to show pictures of what i eat or do "what i ate" posts, and even been requested to make "what i eat in a day" vlogs... which i dont know if i will ever do, hahaha. I have even been requested to film while i bake and show how i cook food or bake my cakes.

And then i have an instagram which is basically just food, and that is because that is the theme of my IG. I have choosen the food theme, and now even more with my veganism i want to inspire others that vegan food isnt boring or bland, but infact can be so delicious and there are so many alternatives!!

But i am not going to say that social media or food pictures is a chore, because it ISNT. I love creating delicious food, plating it somewhat appetzingly and sharing how delicious the food is... once again, trying to share my love for food and delicious food! But i do like taking food photos, but then i cant deny that if i didnt have my social media i wouldnt actually take pictures either, because what is the point? Why have food photos on my phone if there is nothing to do with them? hahaha. And then of course, i dont picture all my food... THAT would be obsessive. I dont track what i eat or count calories or macros, so the total for the day i have no idea... but some meals i choose to share online. And compared to some, that might seem as food obsessed.

And then there is the whole "food prepping, saving recipes and baking and cooking food"... that takes alot of time. But i love it!! I love making food and baking, at the moment anyway. This goes in phases... sometimes i live off of frozen vegetables and soy products, and other times its full on meal prep for the week with different bean burgers, potatoes, sweet potatoes, soups and other dishes and the whole thing takes 5 hours to do XD And i do love baking because there is nothing i love more than freshly made home made bread or scones, or having home made dessert in the fridge or pantry just waiting to be eaten. I dont mind spending the time baking or making food when the end result is so delicious and then you know that for the rest of the week you DONT have to spend time cooking... all you have to do is make snacks and breakfast, but lunch and dinner are already prepared (and if i choose to then plate it up in a certain way and take a photo depends on how i feel). But spending 1-2 days a week where i meal prep and then have my food ready... that can seem food obsessed because then my food is "planned" but at the same time it takes away the food thoughts as well because you know when you are hungry you just heat up a food box instead of having to decide what to eat, buy the ingredients and then cook it as well....

And also... the working with food. During my coure at university i had to count calories, count energy expenditure, write a meal plan for another person, calculate another persons calorie intake from what they had written after a 24 hour food diary as well as calculate my own intake after a 3 day food diary and then write a report about that. Also i learnt about the macronutrients, how they are digested, absorbed and then used as energy.... its all about food, nutrition and macronutrients. And food is something i want to work with. I want to write meal plans, i want to help people find balance with food... and well when i want to work with food it will also mean thinking about food.

But food isnt always on my mind, even if it seems like that after this post as well as through my social media. But that is because i choose to post about those things. During my 24 hours i have each day i think about other things such as, what to wear, what i will do during the day, what do i have to do during the day, wonder what new Youtube videos will be uploaded, wonder how many people will be at the gym when i am there, wonder how many more days i can get away with not washing my hair or shaving my legs, wonder how many cups of coffee i can drink before my mum tells me to stop, wonder what my dog thinks about when she just lies there staring at me, wonder whether i should go for a walk or continue lying in bed, wonder how many hours i have spent infront of the computer during the day etc etc And all of those thoughts take up most of my time and then of course i do a whole bunch of things during the day.

But there is of course some food focus during the day such as each time i get hungry and decided to eat - and unless i have had a particular craving i just eat what is available in the fridge/cupboards.

I think i might have a slight food obsession compared to some, i cant deny that. But then again it is part of my life with my social media and with my interest actually being nutrition and food and i do watch documentaries about food and articles about the latest nutritional studies etc but that is due to my INTEREST and not obsession. But it is a very fine line, and i think if food starts to become something that controls me and controls me in a negative way THEN it would become a full on food obsession. But now it is just interest and what i like to do rather than something i continuously obsess about.

A long post, with some sort of self analysis. But i felt it was needed, and i know that i can come across as food obsessed through social media but that is because i only write about a few things online as well as food actually being requested as posts... But i think it is great with all feedback and constructive critisizm on how i can improve so that i can limit or increase posts depending on what you want to read :)

June goals 2016

Hello and good morning/good evening/good night.

At the moment my body and mind have checked into "summer vacation" mode and i have completely lost track of date, time and day. All of yesterday and this morning i have told myeslf to sit down and start writing my different personal letters for job applications, but yet here i am blogging instead. My mind doesnt want to do anything important, infact i have procrastinated this post for about 2 hours now, hahah. I need to write down my goals for the new month anyway so i thought why not share it online while i am at it, but its taken me two hours to actually get around to writing down my goals.

Feels like this will be a very unproductive week unless i start to find some type of motivation again. Though my mum has told me that right now i just need a break and to take it slow and easy. I.e go to the gym and not have 101 things to do directly afterwards. Or go out for a walk and not think about the things i need to do once i get home, and also to try to sleep in if i can (though i naturally wake up around 6-8am so it is not that i set an alarm.) As well as consume as little caffeine as i can and take different pills and herbs to help my body recover from the period of stress it has been in.... so a type of "reload/destress" phase as she calls it! So i guess that is my first goal of the month, to get rid of the "i have so much to do" because i dont... and i need to allow myself a break and allow myself to do nothing without feeling guilty over it.

My second goal for this month is to focus on body weight training and improving body strength and functionality. Because sure i can lift weights and feel strong when i lift weights, but ask me to do 25 push ups in a row or do 5 pull ups and i most probably cant... because i am not so strong in those types of movements and i want to get stronger in them. I want better flexibility and better control over my body and better overall strength. Because great that i can press X kilo above my head or use X kilo for bicep curls, but its pretty damn cool to be able to do muscle ups, 20 pulls ups and 50 push ups!! Also it wouldbe good training for when - if - i decided to do a "Toughest" obstacle race!

Third goal. Challenge myself each workout....I do challenge myself but i want new smaller challenges to keep improving, and todays challenge at the end of my workout consisted of 100 wall balls timed... and then maybe at the end of the month ill try again and see if i can do it at a better time XD But i feel like with the new challenge of focusing on  body weight exercises i will automatically be challenging myself alot!

Apply for jobs is my 4th goal! Finish writing my personal letters and then just go out and go to the stores/cafes/places i want to apply for work. Just do it basically. I have applied online but i know that that isnt as great as actually going to the work place, trying to talk to the person in charge and personally leaving my CV and personal letter. So many weeks/months of saying i will do it, and i have yet to actually do it. But i only have myself to blame that i have no job, but im not so stressed about it. What happens, happens.

Spend time out in nature and stop being a hermit!! Hahahah, if my parents say they are going out to the lake or nature or forest... follow with! Series will always be there and i isolate myself too much, so i need to get out into nature and spend time with my family!

And finally, to try to not stress and worry. Instead be positive each day and take each day as a new opportunity and enjoy the day, not worry about the future or what i could have done different in the past. .Instead, focus on the present happiness!!!

These are my goals for the month, what are your goals for June? :)

Guest post - depression

I got an email with a readers story and advice about depression which I thought I would share for inspiration to others as well!

We joke about depression; we use ‘depressing' as an adjective to describe a painting or simply when we’re sad. I’ve done I do that too. Probably too often. Some say it helps take away the stigma away from it, others will argue it leads us to believe it is trivial, or a choice. Growing up, I was one of those people who believed that. I couldn’t understand why people complained about not being happy. I couldn’t see it for what it was: a sickness of the mind, an illness that catches you off-guard no matter you want it or not. It took me so long to accept that. It all really is like looking your own life through a dis-magnifier glass. You’re sent into a spiral where you lose connection with reality and your mind rules.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa a bit more than two years ago now. It took me long to accept it. It took me two years before that of slow descent until I hit bottom rock and was urged by the school to do something about it or I’d be removed from the Diploma. I was never interested in being a model, wasn’t superficial, didn’t undergo traumatic experiences when I was a kid, even been happy most of my childhood. Yet I had been living the last year in the darkness of my room waiting for someone to just knock and ask how I was.

I'm recovered now. It took me a full gap year, and I can hear the thoughts creep in if I let myself doubt too much, but I consider it a story of the past. It made me who I am today so I don’t regret it but I know it could all have stopped there. Anorexia is a strange illness. It’s self-destructive but not strictly speaking suicidal. It's more like ingesting a lethal poison very progressively so your mind slowly goes numb, and then keeping it at it only because you start believing you don’t know better. I’ve never done drugs, but that’s how I picture dependence. You slip into this semi-state of oblivion and it becomes your everything. You love it and hate it at the same time. You convince yourself you’re stuck.

Oh how wrong I was. We’re always waiting for the world to give us the Answer but fail to realise we are looking for the wrong thing. It’s not about answers but questions. Life is too complex to come with an answer. Happiness is not a destination it’s a journey, a series of questions we reformulate, adapt and strengthen to lead us to the places we dream of. Happiness is a touchy concept. I could write a book now on it. But it has to come from within. Depression is not a choice, but recovering is. The hardest step is probably to realise that’s what it is. And then it’s to stick to the plan to get out of it. Because the problem with it is that it doesn’t really have symptoms. When it’s there, you might not even feel it. It is like happiness really. You usually realise it was there once it’s not anymore. You know how people say it’s politically incorrect to say we’re “cold” because it really just is a “lack of heat”? Well depression is the same. Only you can’t fill in the sentence: it’s a lack of…. And that’s why it’s so hard to tackle effectively. It takes a couple of trials, you fall back, it hurts, but as long as you keep getting up, it only goes for better.

A very common trait for people who go through it is perfectionism. Depression comes with understanding we can’t do it all, with the harsh realisation that no matter how hard we try, the world is just that much bigger than us. When we grow up we’re told that the world is not fair and that we have to fight for what we want, but it’s not the same to hear about it and live it on a first hand basis. Coming out of school and learning more about the world, without the protective barriers set by our parents when we’re kids, exposes us to the reality of life. It might sound cliché, but responsibilities eventually catch us up. Entering the grown-up world is said to be daunting because for the first time we literally have to fight for our lives. Competition is a sport in school; it becomes a necessity once we’re out. Priorities take a whole new proportion and that’s what scares us. Scare us into hiding our vulnerability to others and slowly sink in the deep world of our mind to escape the dangers of the jungle. We’re scared to show we’re afraid because we’re expected to have it all figured out. So we let it all boil inside of us and that eats away every bit of hope we had left.

I always pictured depression as being trapped in the corner of an old cabin, freezing to death, able to see the light sneaking in through the frame of a closed door at the other side of the room, but unable to move because of how cold and numb you are. The exit is just there but you’re keeping you’re eyes closed in the hope you’ll fall asleep and when you wake up realise it all was only a dream. That’s why opening your eyes is the first step. Accepting you’re not gonna wake up because it’s not a nightmare. It’s called a new step in life, it’s called growing up and realising what the world is made of. The second step is accepting you’re numb and that the first movements will probably be hard because of how numb your extremities are. The third one is opening your eyes for good and keeping them on that door. And tell yourself that you might have to deviate your eyes from it to look around at some points but eventually they should go back to it. Once your eyes are locked into position it will only be matter of pushing forward. Keep moving even when the skin starts bleeding from the cold bites. Eventually the skin gets tougher. And as you move closer to the door, the air gets warmer. It takes time but with perseverance, support and hope, everything is possible. I did it, so anyone can do it too.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Eating infront of others or eating when others aren't eating

I remember you saying that one of the earliest things that led to your eating disorder was the dislike of eating with others - ie having other people see you eat. How did you overcome this and are you at all still a bit self conscious about it today? Do you feel uncomfortable eating when others do not or about the food or the amount you are eating compared to them? If this was an issue for you during recovery how did you over come it?

Eating infront of others or admitting i was hungry, or eating when others wasnt eating was definitely a hard obstacle to overcome in my recovery. Because as you wrote, at the starting stages of my eating disorder i felt uncomfortable and self conscious eating around others in school - i felt like they were all staring at me - so it was easier to just not eat at all than to deal with the anxiety i felt eating with/around others. During recovery those feelings of guilt and self conscious while eating with others stayed with me, but then i also had to deal with the guilt of eating and feeling ashamed and like i was weak for eating.

The first step to overcome those feelings was to realise that everyone eats and needs to eat. When you eat in public you might find someone staring at you but that can be for numerous reasons i.e it was just a random moment where you both looked at each other, the person is daydreaming/thinking and their eyes are in your direction, they might be looking at you for numerous reasons etc But one of the things i hated was that i thought i was being judged for eating. That everyone around me would look at me and think "wow, what is she eating. Why is she eating, she shouldnt be eating" etc I felt judged by others and also myself when i ate when others were around, so instead i just wouldnt eat.  
   But by reminding myself that everyone eats, its natural and everyone needs to eat as well as hunger is normal helped slightly with my fear of eating in public/around others.

The next step was to be able to admit that i was hungry or to buy food when i was hungry. It took time until i could actually vocalize my hunger and not just sit in silence and think about how hungry i was. And then the next step of buying food when i was hungry. At first i began with buying the food i wanted to eat and then eating alone either in a bathroom, corner somewhere or wait until i was home and eventually i had to overcome the fear and be able to eat in public i.e if i had a granola bar or fruit, i had to challenge myself to eat in public/infront of others. But also to be ok with eating when others werent eating or say that i was hungry even when others werent hungry.

It was a long process of being ok with eating and not feeling self conscious or guilty for eating. But also being ok with eating the portion sizes i wanted when i ate with others and not just eat tiny amounts so that people wouldnt judge me.

I am a person who prefers eating on my own and generally speaking am more comfortable eating huge portions when i eat on my own, but i dont have a problem eating infront of others or eating when others arent eating. But the most important thing to reach the stage where i am now i.e dont care if people judge the amount i eat or what i eat (i.e if i make weird food combinations), or i dont care if i eat when others dont or admitting i am hungry. Reaching this stage has been all about challenging myself, facing the fear that held me back.

At first i bought a snack and would eat it in the bathroom. The next time i would manage to eat a snack standing in the corner of a room. The next time i managed to eat half a snack sitting with others and the time after that i would manage to eat the whole snack with others.

The first time i was hungry i would try to hint that we stop at a store or buy food. The next time i would walk to the store alone, the time after that i could vocalise that i was hungry to my mum, the time after that i could openly admit i was hungry. etc etc

Keep challenging yourself, that is the best advice and in time you can reach a stage of not feeling judged for eating or feeling like you are weak for eating or admitting you are hungry, but also a place where you can eat the food and portion sizes you want without caring what others think.

Below are some helpful posts:

Eating in public
Social eating
Eating more than others
Feeling like you need to eat less than others
How to cope and eat infront of others (3rd answer)
Answer - food comments
Eating even though others arent hungry

Describing an eating disorder

If I had to describe an eating disorder, I would resemble it to a drug addiction. Now, imagine a drug addict trying to quit in a society that’s advertising new drugs while promising amazing highs all over the internet, on YouTube, Facebook, in TV, on the bus passing you right as you’re battling yourself whether to get your fix or go straight home. A society in which you can barely have a conversation without drugs being mentioned; how many you did yesterday, how amazing it felt, which drugs you want to try next. Surrounded by the mentality that it’s embarrassing, weird, lazy, even a sin not to do drugs. 
So, if you know someone who’s suffering from an eating disorder please restrain from bringing up topics like what diet your mom’s trying, how much you run, body image, what you eat or should eat, how you haven’t been hungry these last few days. Because what you’re doing is increasing the already life consuming, constant urges. Even if you aren’t asking if your friend wants to go for a run or even if the sufferer is the one bringing up these topics, you’re supporting the eating disordered thoughts, it’s triggering. Because we want to get our fix so badly and any excuse to get it, any tiny suggestion that getting high is fine, makes the fight ten times harder. It may be okay for you, but we’ve grown out of control and although I think society has as well, us suffering from an eating disorder needs the exact opposite of what society is yelling and pushing down everyone’s throat.
— (via X)

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Moving home again, mothers day in Sweden and 2 vegan cakes to celebrate

Hello :)

After a super great and positive day yesterday and a productive day today i am now sitting by the kitchen table with my things mostly packed, the apartment mostly cleaned, cakes in the fridge and waiting for my parents to come pick me up. My last day in the apartment... Or well, second last as i will be back at the end of June to pack my furniture to be moved back home again. It's a little sad and mixed feelings but i am looking into the future and making the best of the situation, for now this is how it will be and well... i will now be back home with my family and able to see my dog daily! And it will be good to spend some time with my family again, even if that feeling might just last a few days, hahaha!

Yesterday, Saturday, i decided to walk into town to try to find a present for mothers day (which is today - Sunday 29th of May - in Sweden). Though i am awful at buying presents so left the stores empty handed and during my walk home i saw how the roads were being closed off, there were police everywhere and crowds of people standing and waiting. The further i walked i began to hear lots of music and then i saw what was happening - some type of carnival walk, so i stopped to watch that before i walked home again. And then it was a productive day of 1) filming the videos i posted yesterday, 2) Trying to upload them, 3) Laundry, 4) Begin to pack 5) Begin to clean, 6)Do some meal prep from the last of my food which i have now packed into lunch boxes and will bring with me back to  Stockholm and when all of that was done it was series watching before bed! I also managed to listen to 3 podcasts yesterday while getting all of those things done!!!

The whole day yesterday i felt so positive, so happy for some reason. But it felt so amazing at the same time, to just feel happy and positive the whole day!!! It was like an inner happiness and being productive and having no stress, just enjoying life as it is even if i had not so fun things like laundry, cleaning and packing!

Yesterdays dinner which was beyond delicious. Something so simple as wrap, hummus, avocado, falafel and a sauce made out of oatcream, is so incredibly delicious!!

Today i woke up with the same type of positivity but a little more stress.... whenever i have things i want to do or  need to do, i get this inner stress of "i have to get everything done right now". But then i had to remind myself that i had time, i didnt need to clean, pack, bake and send messages and answer all messages all at once. I had just woken up, not even had my morning coffee and already i felt the inner stress of "need to get everything done". So to break free from that inner stress i took a walk to calm myself, listened to a podcast and just took long deep breaths and remind myself that "i have time". And then on the way home i stopped to buy ingredients to make a cake for mothers day... though of course i can never make just one cake, and i can never follow a recipe so i have made 2 improvised mostly vegan cakes.

The ingredients didnt fill the whole tin... so yes, i might have had to eat the extra chocolate filling that poured over the base XD XD

And then it was just to pack, clean and now i am sitting here with tea and going to just relax before my parents arrive... and enjoy my alone time in the apartment :)

"skinny" and "guilt free" food

I've written about this before but one thing which irritates me alot if when recipes or food are called "skinny" or "guilt free".... like what? Food can't be skinny... and calling a certain food guilt free means that other food or "regular food" should cause guilt? NO.

Its those types of labels which can lead to weird food behaviour or anxiety around food. Because who wants a normal brownie when you can have a "skinny brownie" or who wants a normal cookie when you can have a "guilt free" cookie.

Food is food. Its not like you call a burger a "fat burger" so why should there be a "skinny burger", for me personally it doesnt make sense.

Food should not cause guilt, doesnt matter if you eat a salad or a deep fried mars bar, food is energy. Some food contains more nutrients than others, but still it shouldnt cause guilt. I think it is great that there are so many alternatives now a days, somedays you want a black bean brownie other days you want a double chocolate brownie. Somedays you might want to make a pizza with extra everything and other times you make a pizza with a cauliflower based and just top with vegetables... but the cauliflower pizza shouldnt be called "skinny or guilt free" just because there is another option which contains more calories/different ingredients.

It is all about balance and i dont think you need to just eat certain types of food just like you dont need to eat just "healthy food". You can have both.... it is perfectly fine to eat celery and hummus and then go eat some chocolate afterwards, you dont need to be either or. And that is where people can struggle, they dont have the balance. So either they eat super clean and healthy or they eat lots of junk food... the black and white thinking. If they eat alot of 'healthy' food and then eat some chocolate they think that they have already messed up, so might as well eat the whole chocolate bar when instead they could have just eaten the amount they wanted and realised it is ok to eat a little of everything and its called balance.

I know people want to give their recipes a new and trendy name, but can they please stop calling food guilt free or skinny or any other similar name like that.... It isnt necessary, and if anything, if a recipe is called "skinny brownies" or "guilt free pizza" then i will automatically not make that recipe ever, hahahha.

Eat balanced, eat a bit of everything and know that it is ok to choose fruit salad as a snack one day and oreo cookies the next day!!!

Ohhh and to end this.... the "skinny teas", oh gosh they annoy me. Teas wont make you skinny... they are dieuretic and also work as laxatives so you lose water weight i.e less bloated and gives you the sense of "skinny". And then the teas that have instructions of "only drink these teas for 5 days and go on a juice cleanse"... well of course you will lose weight and lose water weight, but its not actual weightloss, as well as that being very unhealthy!!! Teas DONT detox you. You have a liver for detox, so dont ever buy teas that have a laxative or diuretic effect or buy teas to lose weight. I have tried teatoxes, and i can say.... I didnt want to leave the house or do anything due to the laxative effect as well as the extreme stomach cramps i got. Did i lose weight? Water weight because i couldnt eat anything due to the stomach pain i got. Dont fall for things like teatoxes or any of that!!!

Beginning to relapse - what to do

I was asked if i could write about what to do if you begin to relapse. But first off i'll post the two photos below which i think are very good to remember/keep in mind, because sometimes you do something such as not finish your whole dinner because you werent so hungry that day but then suddenly it becomes a compulsion to not finish your whole dinner any day, just because you can. Or you feel guilty after eating so you decide to go out for a run due to the guilt and even if you know you shouldnt because it is compensation you do it anyway and then that using behaviour only once becomes more frequent etc

Relapse is not the end of the world, you just have to keep fighting day after day and continue to choose life without Eating Disorders.:

When it comes to relapse others around you might not even notice that you are relapsing unless you begin to show signs or the eating disorder behaviours. So the best thing is that if you notice you are beginning to relapse, Talk to someone. Communicate. It can be hard to talk especially when the eating disorder voice/control begins to get stronger again and that old compulsions and habits are being used again. But you need to realise that if you dont try to stop the relapse at the beginning it will just worse and you will spiral down again, and that is most likely not a place you want to be at.

It can be good to think about what triggered you or caused you to relapse, because often there is a cause such as stress, low self esteem, maybe getting comments from people etc So knowing that triggered you or caused you to begin using eating disorder habits and coping mechanisms again can help you from falling back again later on in life.

Also be honest to yourself about the fact that you are relapsing. Be honest about what habits you have begun to use again and try to change them.  The habits and thoughts wont go away unless you make them go away, and that is tough, it is challenging but it is possible to fight them and face those fears and be free of them. But that means that you have to decide to change.

Dont accept half recovery or relapse. If you think you cant, then you cant. But if you think you can, then you can!!! You have to believe that you can fully recover and want to fully recover as well!!!

Dont tell yourself that "you dont want to be a burden" or "admit that you have fallen back again" or "think you arent strong when you were doing so well but now relapsing" or that "there is nothing wrong". First off, you arent a burden just because you relapse, however if you struggle in silence and keep falling down then it will become a burden eventually when instead you could have asked for help in the beginning and not have to fight your way back even longer. And also, relapse happens... infact relapse is alot more common than people think though not everyone admits they have relapse and instead just live a life of half recovery. But relapse is  nothing to be ashamed about, instead asking for help and making sure to keep fighting and not allowing yourself to fall back farther.

If you begin to develop another eating disorder, then make sure to talk to someone. It happens, peolpe who had anorexia can develop binge eating disorder or bulimia or orthorexia, or people who struggled with binge eating can develop anorexia it happens. But the important thing is to not be ashamed about it or think "wow, i had such self control and didnt eat anything, and now i cant stop myself from eating" or think "before i couldnt stop eating, now i dont eat at all so this is better when i dont eat/eat very little". Going from one eating disorder to another is not ok, and it happens so it is important to be honest about yourself and notice the warning signs and not be scared to speak up about it. I struggled with binge eating and purging for a few months and it was awful... going from barely eating at all, to suddenly eating everything in the cabinets and having to replace the food because i would eat whole loaves of bread, whole packages of cereal and even a whole cake, and i couldnt stop myself. But i had to realise the warning signs and that what i was doing was another eating disorder and the first thing to do was to eat regular meals and stop the purging and eventually the binges and craving for binges stopped.

When it comes to relapse the important thing to remember is that "one time" is not always one time. I.e if you feel guilty or very full after eating a meal and think, well i'll purge it will only be once, that is not always the case. Or you think, i'll skip a meal becuase you want to save calories.... that might not be the only time it happens. Stop the relapse before you fall further down and remember you arent weak for relapsing it happens, you are strong for fighting and hopefully fighting towards full recovery!!!

And last note, like mentioned earlier. Work on the things that caused the relapse, or things you know you might need to improve as well as working on your thoughts. Because food isnt the problem, thats your way of coping whether its only eating certain foods, restricting or binge eating... its about control and not so much about the food but things in your life that you need to work on!

I have many posts about relapse which might help, if you check out my relapse tag HERE

The path of recovery from Anorexia.:

Saturday, May 28, 2016

2 videos about my transition to plant based eating and answering your questions

Finally i have gotten around to filming and uploading the videos!! Hhaah, its just taken me a week or so to do. Though i had already filmed the videos twice but they werent exactly the best so had to remake them, and today i started the process of filmin at 12.30 and everything was uploaded and ready now by 5pm and i havent even edited the videos because i decided to just sit and talk instead of trying to do any type of fancy editing!

I havent watched the videos myself as i hate to see myself on camera but hopefully i actually answer the questions and talk about the right things and that i dont say "uhhh" too often ;) But i had to use my normal camera so i couldnt see myself while filming, so no idea how i look... but oh well!!

If you have any more questions or wonder anything just comment and i'll be happy to answer or make a written post answering any questions or things you wonder about :)

Update.. ive watched a few minutes of the videos and i am SO SORRY about that annoying noise i make inbetween sentenaces sometime. My throat was so dry and i didnt drink anything while talking... so i am so sorry. If i make more videos i will be more aware to try to not do that noise (though i dont make it when i am talking naturally with people!!!) I blame it on the cold i have which is why i cough during the videos as well. But i hope you can try to not think about that noise, hahaha.

Body dysmorphia

I saw this and thought it was super great and worth being shared.... something important to think about. The way you see yourself and feel might not be the truth.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder
“How can someone get that skinny and not realize it?” It’s a familiar question we receive whenever we visit schools or give presentations in the community. Many people find it hard to understand how severely an eating disorder can distort someone’s perception of their body. Often there is an element of depression, self-loathing, or feeling that one is not good enough, which is then directed at one’s body. In addition to these psychological difficulties, the physical effects of malnutrition also impact a person’s perception…“The essential feature of Body Dysmorphic Disorder…is a preoccupation with a defect in appearance (Criterion A). The defect is either imagined, or, if a slight physical anomaly is present, the individual’s concern is markedly excessive,” according to the DSM-IV TR. Those with BDD will often fixate on certain features, and the excessive concern they have causes distress and impairment of social functioning and functioning in other areas of their life.” - (x)

Friday, May 27, 2016

First term of university done and my first watermelon for the summer season!

Hello :)

I am going to start off this post by saying.... It is pretty cool how much life can change. Last night i could barely sleep, for numerous reasons but one of them was that i was thinking about how much my life has changed... and in such positive ways. It is pretty incredible, that just a few years ago i couldnt even do basic human things and i was pretty much waiting to die/slowly killing myself. And here i am now, finished my first term in college, moved away from home (even if its only been a few months and this weekend i move home again XD But just the fact that i have actually moved out from home and managed on my own is pretty amazing when i think about my past).
Times like this, when i think about how far i have come and how much i have achieved i begin to wonder why i would ever want to choose death over life? I mean life is pretty amazing, but it is all about mindset as well. What you think and how you react and what thoughts you let control you... because when i let my negative thoughts control me then i am one negative mess, but now when i am thinking positive then everything seems amazing and awesome, despite the rain pouring down outside which usually makes me feel low and negative.

Just think about how different life could be in a years time if you work towards your goals. There will be tough times... i mean i dont even know how many times in the past year i have been negative and wanted evreything to end, but then there are these positive times when life is worth it. When you realise how happy you are that you didnt give up when things got tough or when the negativity took over and told you that you would be better off dead - because that is not true!
A year passes quickly, but so much can happen in a year if you make changes!!!
And know that the stress you may feel now, it will be gone soon... it will pass. Try not to stress yourself too much or worry about things you cant change... of course it is easier said than done. I am basically stress, worry and anxiety in human form, hahaha, so i know its not easy to let go of the stress or worry. .But atleast remind yourself that it will pass, the stressful times will pass and life will feel easier again, and also remember that you are strong enough to get through the tough times and challenges, as long as you keep fighting!!

So, onto my day.... well i woke up with my throat double the size and no voice as well as a blocked nose and sore throat i.e i've gotten a cold/sickness, not fun at all when you have a presentation to do but have no voice. So i had to spend the morning drinking tea and bought myself  throat lozenges and that helped me get my voice back so that i could complete the presentation! 

At 12 i was finally done and walked out of the school building, not knowing how to feel.... I'm free.... not sure when i will study again, hopefully in autumn. I might be back to that building, i might not... But for now all i can do is wait and try to enjoy my summer!

As i dont have a bus ticket anymore (the last day was 2 days ago and well, i dont feel like buying a bus ticket for a whole month when i only have a few days left here) so it is walking everywhere for me. Though the town is so small that its not far to walk, and well.... it's the only form of exercise i have at the moment and havent worked out since last Wednesday and then it was barely a workout as i had so little energy. As i've caught a cold it will be a few more days of rest before i hopefully can return to working out again. Feels so strange to go this long without working out, but i know it would just do more harm than good as well as i havent had the energy for it the past few days anyway.... i have the rest of my life to workout which is what i remind myself! For now, might as well enjoy the rest and food extra much!!

Which brings me to.... my first watermelon for this summer season. 4kg of watermlon and 3 dark chocolate which were on sale as well as "vegan". What did i think of the chocolate? The mint one was good the other two, not so much. What did i think of the watermelon? I want more XDXD

Ive just finished with some cleaning in my room and tomorrow ill do more cleaning, packing and laundry, but for this evening it will just be series and rest and hopefully my throat wont be as sore tomorrow!!!

P.s look at the lunch i had yesterday... burgers, fries and brocolli! Yummmm

ED recovery problems

Trying to act cool after getting caught doing behaviors you swore you wouldn’t do

Readers questions - summer, my course, new language?

Are you planning on trying any new types of sports? Or would you like to try something?

I havent planned on trying any new sports, but who knows... maybe in summer. Though i would like to start doing crossfit again. I loved crossfit when i did it, even if i wasnt so great at some things, haha. But i loved the high intensity, trying new things as well as it being very functional ie not just standing doing bicep curls or tricep push downs XD

I would also like to do tough viking some time in my life and so i would like to start doing obstacle training.

I also have a *secret* goal of wanting to either run a full marathon or complete a triathlon (or both!) sometime in my life But the truth is i hate cycling and can barely swim due to my lungs so the only thing i can fully do in a triathlon is to run XD But never say never, if i were to begin training specifically for one of those goals i am sure i would achieve it. But i am hoping to complete tough viking within atleast 10 years time!!!

Do you have any (summer) plans? Or anything you'd really like to do?

I dont have any summer plans at the moment. No work or travel plans so just at home and maybe out to an island with my parents to enjoy the good weather. But if i get offered a job i would definitely take it, however my job applying has only been at 50% so i only have myself to blame that i dont have a job as i havent tried so hard to get one. My boyfriend has been talking about maybe travelling to Berlin with me, but we havent fully decided or planned anything so not so sure about that.

how has your course gone? what have you enjoyed? which bits of your own work were you most pleased with? are there things you wish you'd known before you started? might you do anything differently when you start a new course?

My course has gone really well and i have enjoyed it very much, even if there were times i stressed alot because of the work load.... but here i am now, with almost all the work completed! I enjoyed learning more about the body as well as the metabolism and how energy is digested, absorped and used as energy. I knew alot about nutrition but at the same time, there was so much i didnt know and luckily i have had great teachers during this course so they have been able to explain complicated things but of course lots of studying on my side as well as intressant in the topic of nutrition and the body. I was very pleased with my essay/report regarding my own nutrition and also got a grade that showed the work i put into it as well, so even if i thought i would have to redo the essay (because as always, i never think i have done good enough), it turned out that my essay was infact good! But what i liked most was that i learnt alot about how i was eating, even if it was just 3 days where i measured and weighed my food and the food intake was completely accurate to how i usually ate back then but it gave a representation anyway.

Things i wish i had known: To not stress so much. But also to keep up with my planning and organisation and to be ok with saying no to meeting people if i need to get work done or just need a break because i have done alot of studying.

Things i would do differently for my next course? Start talking to people and make friends right at the bgeinning..... something i had feared before starting university was that i wouldnt make friends - just like in all the schools i have gone to in my life, i dont make friends automatically because i am so withdrawn. And unfortunatly, that was the case this time..... i havent made any friends this course. But it hasnt been a problem for me as i havent felt lonely and havent had the enrery or will to meet people anyway and i've enjoyed all my alone time, but then again..... having friends and talking to new people is always awesome and i do enjoy making friends, but i struggle with the whole "initiating a conversation" first. XD

Have you considered writing a book about your experience with Anorexia?

I have, for a long time but i feel like everything is already written here so what would be new in the book. Of course the book would reach out to more people who havent read my blog, but still it feels silly. But i would like to write a book about my story to help more people. Though it was suggested that maybe i write an ebook, and that is actually an idea that seems a little more realistic! hahaa. Who knows.....

If you wanted to learn another language, what would you choose?
I've struggled with trying to learn French since i was 12.... and yet all i can at this stage of my life is "hi my name is X" and "I am X years old" "I am good, and you" hahahhaha. But if i were to magically wake up and just know the french language by heart i definitely would complain, i would love to be fluent in french or maybe italien!! But i also love norwegian, not sure why.... it is very similar to Swedish so if i listen extra hard and get a few seconds of time before i have to ansswer then i understand what people say in Norwegian.

I think languages are cool and would love to know more, but i am more of a math/science person. Apparently those who are good at languages are more creative and better activate one part of their brain (cant remember which one) whereas people who are good at science/maths and numbers are better at activating the other side of their brain... or maybe i have that wrong. But if you are both good at languages as well as maths and science and you are creative, then i can say you are super smart and i am jealous XD

Do you still colour pictures to relax?
No i dont..... i spend too much time infront of the computer or my phone. But i should do more colouring as it is so therapeutic and relaxing, maybe in summer i'll do more!

Has your course made you re think or influenced your diet in any way?

In some ways i guess it has, such as i realized that i was eating around 2.6g protein per kg/body weight i.e far too much and not alot of carbs... now i guess its the complete opposite i.e like 80% carbs and no idea how much protein. Though those changes havent been due to my course or what i have learnt in my course, but it would be interesting to do a new 3 day food diary and see how i eat now. (Or well, i guess that's what i have just done for my dietician at the CF clinic). I have learnt more about nutrition and food which has given me more knowledge but i wouldnt say it has changed my diet so much apart from me realizing that i didnt need so much protein in my diet, hahaha.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Did treatment help me recover or would/could i have recovered without treatment? Recovering as an adult without treatment

How did you cope from eating very little to being made to start recovery? As an adult in recovery I made my own choice to recover - but you were very young and that decision was made for you. Did it make your recovery experience harder or easier knowing that it wasn't your choice?

Do you think in patient treatment is the best for a successful recovery? Do you think your stay in hospital benefited you more than it would have done if you and your family had to manage your recovery at home?

First off i think treatment is important that seeking help from a treatment centre should be a first option, however i am aware that not everyone can do that for numerous reasons. But also that not all treatment centres are good... the first treatment i got was just therapy which didnt help at all and second was inpatient in a kids psychiatric unit which didnt help at all and just made me worse and then finally treatment from an actual eating disorder clinic in a different country (So yes, i had to move country to recieve proper treatment) and even then it took a year of inpatient, then outpatient, then inpatient, then outpatient and finally inpatient again before i began to recover. So i can say that even if treatment is recommended and helps, it doesnt automatically make a person recover. Many go in and out of treatment centres and from inpatient to outpatient for many years before actually recovering. .What treatment does is give you the support you might not receive if you didnt get help from a treatment centre, but also you often get to meet a doctor or dietitian which helps as well as they keep track of your weight and make sure that you eat and those things can be hard to do when you are on your own/just with your family. It can be very hard for a family to force you to eat as they dont have the energy to do that or see how much you "suffer" when they force you to eat, but also they might not have the time.

For me, despite being in treatment for roughly 1,5 years (i.e i started therapy at the start of 2010 in Ireland) and it was summer 2011 when i began to want to recover, but then relapsed at the end of 2011 and then didnt begin to recover/fight my fears and ed habits until summer 2012 and that was done on my own. Treatment helped keep me alive and it made me eat and rest, and i can say that without being an inpatient i would not have overcome my exercise addiction... i would not have been able to face my fear of resting and sitting if i wasnt an inpatient, but also it made me eat. My mum couldnt force me to eat, i just resisted so i needed to have staff at treatment force me to eat and rest. But actual recovery and wanting to recover that was MY choice and i did that on my own.

Recovery comes from the inside and just because you go to treatment doesnt mean that you will recover, unfortunatly. HOWEVER going to treatment makes you eat and helps you regain weight if that is what you need as well as maybe therapy being offered, and as you begin to eat and nourish your body it is easier to think straight and feel more energetic and lively and then begin to want recovery. So going to treatment, eating and resting and maybe therapy can help you make the decision to want to recover. .But just because you eat and gain weight doesnt mean that you are free and recovered i.e just because you reach your goal weight and are no longer inpatient doesnt mean you are free from your eating disorder, so treatment shouldnt just stop there instead maybe therapy should be offered instead of inpatient care.

For me, treatment kept me alive until i found the strength, courage and will to want to recover. If i hadnt gone to treatment or made to eat i would most likely have died from suicide or from a heart attack (as i had problems with potassium and electrolytes as i purged and exercised so much despite barely eating).

Recovery without treatment is fully possible as long as you are motivated and keep eating because it does get easier. If you have the motivation within you and keep facing your fears then you dont need treatment necessarily, even if it can be good. But getting help with a meal plan or going to a doctor ever once in a while or therapy can be great help, but motivation to recover comes from the inside and not something that happens just because you are in treatment.

I was forced into treatment, i had no option about that as i was underage and it did help me. If i am honest, i dont think i would have recovered without treatment i didnt have the motivation or strength or courage to want to recover and i needed to be forced to eat and rest until i could find that strength and courage.

How did you feel about having to recover? Were you even aware there was a problem?

I hated treatment, everyday it was awful. But i found it awful because i was being forced to do things that scared me, i mean treatment isnt bad.... i had to eat and rest... thats basically how i spend some of my days now, its just that now i amnt forced to eat and rest, but a choice and i dont have staff watching my every move. But treatment was awful because i didnt want to be there as well as being constantly filled with anxiety, fear and guilt.

I was aware there was a problem, i mean i knew that not eating and purging wasnt exactly normal but at the same time i kept telling myself that i was healthy and happy and there was no problem. As well as my habits being so "normal" that i didnt even register or think about that they werent normal or healthy. And then there was also the fact that i didnt feel underweight and everyone else was so much skinnier or eating less than me or exercising more, so why was i the one in treatment or being told to gain weight when people skinnier than me were out running marathons. 

In a way i knew i was sick but at the same time not really as i could rationalize everything i did and there was always someone worse than me and i told myself "i did eat" and i did sit sometimes, so there was nothing wrong with me... but then i reached the point of "i have had enough of this. I have had enough of being scared of eating, enough of not being able to sit down despite my legs shaking from tiredness and dizziness due to lack of sleep. Tired of the anxiety and fear and not being able to live my life as i was stuck in hospital" and that was an important part of my recovery and wanting to recover. My thoughts were along the line of, Why sit in a hospital being skinny and scared to eat and hating myself  when i could try to gain weight and be out and live life... i mean i hate myself anyway so what does it matter.

I reached the point of "enough is enough" and i cant keep doing this. I was so physically and mentally exhausted. And thought, why not. which was what helped me choose recovery the first time i.e sometime summer 2011, and then again in summer 2012 after my relapse.