Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, April 14, 2016

When you see photos of yourself and feel your self esteem dropping

Have you ever seen a photo of yourself and just felt your self esteem and body confidence lowering gradually? Thinking about that photo of yourself that you have just seen..... that was the case for me yesterday.

We see ourselves in our own perspective and the way we want to see ourselves, i am pretty sure i have read a study or an article where it talked about how when people look in the mirror they loook at themselves in the most flattering way (most people), because in their head they know the angles. But then of course those times when you are in a dressing room or there is bad lighting then you look different and unusual and you may find that you dont look the way you usually do.  Think about when you suddenly see the side of your face or back of your head in a mirror and think.... "wow, that is how i look". I have had numerous breakdowns when i have seen the side of my face in a mirror..... i always find that i look so strange and different and not how i picture myself, in a way. It is hard to explain!!
Also lets not forget that not all mirrors are the same.. some mirrors have the tendency to make you look "taller and slimmer" and others "shorter and broader", so i have never really trusted mirrors to show an accurate portrate of how i look.

So i have never really trusted mirrors to be the best way to show accurately how i look as it also depends on lighting. I mean when i am at the gym and there is that sort of special light that hits you in just the right spots so i walk around thinking i look super muscular and fit and then i look in the bathroom mirror and think "wow, there are no muscles on this body and definitely no definition".... its the lighting that makes the difference! I guess i am somewhere in between, but the different lighting enhances different things!

What about cameras? I am not camera shy but at the same time i only want photos taken of me in certain angles and poses and if a photo is ever taken of me where i look not so flattering it can definitely put its mark in my mind for a while. 

So yesterday i had to take a few photos of myself for a certain reason and i had to do it myself so it meant using a self timer.... and well, of course not all photos will be good. And photos such as where i am caught in "a weird movement" or weird face gesture or something like that dont bother me... because it is a split second which just managed to get caught on camera. Of course they are no pretty photos or photos i would share... but its just to delete them. But then there are those photos where you are standing just like normally or posing or whatever... and then you see yourself in the picture afterwards and think.... is that how i reallly look? Is that how people see me? I guess it is just the unusualness of seeing how i look not from those certain angles, but also.... i really dont take body photos anymore, i used to do it alot more before and then it actually didnt bother me so much... but now when i amnt used to seeing myself on camera or in any different way than how i would see myself in camera it just felt strange. And i guess the angle and the lighting and what not made a difference, but i began to wonder.... do i see myself in a different way? Because in real life i see myself as smaller than how i looked in the picture.... and in that sense i mean thinner, like i know i am not fat and i dont feel fat either... i like the way my body looks and i am comfortable in how my body feels. But in the photos taken i looked so much broader and wider than how i see myself in reality? AND NO THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I am not saying this in a bad sense, what i am saying is that i then began questioning.... is the mirror or camera telling the truth? Not that it really matters, because what mattters is that i feel good in my body, which i do! But it was a strange feeling.... apparently though the camera can make you look "wider" or maybe that is the film camera, haha.

I dont even know why i am writing this post, it just makes me seem egoistical and like i care lots about my body and the way i look. Not the case....  But i just felt like i needed to write out my thoughts, show that i am not always 100% body confident. But also i have been pretty open about the fact that i havent always liked seeing myself on camera - despite what it may seem on here! Below is a piece from a previous post:

"Its funny how i can look in the mirror and think i look ok but once i look at a picture, all i see are the negatives. Im not camera shy, not by any standards :) I dont mind people taking photos of me, though i guess i prefer photos when its something natural and i dont notice they are taking photos or its me holding the camera! With almost all pictures i post (almost!) there are pretty much 99 other ones ive taken which ive disliked...
    Today when i had my little photoshoot it felt good when i was doing it, but once i looked at the photos... it was like a little heartbreak. Wasnt happy with the results at all.... Its strange to see myself in photos, its like...do i really look like that? 
  Ive always had a problem with my face... with my lips and nose. Yup, you could say they are my problem areas for me... and unless im the one taking the selfie (where i know my angles ;) I often dont like close up pictures...)"


Anyway.... i dont know where i am going with this post. I guess to finish, i am deleting the photos taken and knowing that i feel good in my body is all that matters. It was most probably just a bad day yesterday, such as those days where you cant even stand to see yourself in the mirror because you just feel "strange" and not so body confident.... though i think i will stick to minimal body photos and learn to just not care what the camera screen shows!! 

I am more than my body and its not like people really care!! 

Wow this post is unnecessary and almost a little scared to post it as it feels like i will get critique, hahaha.... oh well, i cant help that that was how i felt, but now after writing this post i feel so much better and that is why i write! :) Now to put on a smile and feel confident!








3 comments:

  1. Great post, Izzy! :)

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    1. Just me rambling, but it did help me to realise how silly those first thoughts were and I felt so much better afterwards and that's the important thing!

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  2. In the photos you post on here you always look good - I can`t imagine you ever having a "bad" photo but like you say we see ourselves differently (and are more self critical) than how others see us. And I think you look tiny in photos - well toned but definitely not "broad" or "wide" like you say :)

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