Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, April 7, 2016

The worst feeling is feeling like you arent doing enough or arent good enough

One of the worst things about low self esteem combined with having high pressure and standards for myself is that there is the constant feeling of, I am not doing enough.... that my work is never good enough. Doesnt matter that i have written 4 pages of my essay and most of the others in my class havent even started, doesnt matter that i have studied 4-8 hours per day i still dont feel like i know it or feel like i am smart. Doesnt matter that i have prepared for seminariums i still feel like i amnt prepared and doesnt matter how much i do in a group project or how much of a leading roll i take, i still feel like i dont do enough.

And then there is the constant feeling of not being good enough. Not being a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, not a good enough girlfriend and not a good enough friend. It feels like no matter how hard i try i still amnt good enough according to my own standards, i know how i am and i know my personality. I know that i need my time alone and lack communication skills at times... and that is just who i am, but it annoys me... because i wish like i could be like "all those other people" who can keep relationships in tact and not want to sabotage relationships because you feel like you arent worth them, or you cant believe that people actually like you. In my life i have pushed people away for many reasons, but it feels like i still self sabotage relationships unconsciously because i feel like i amnt good enough... and so for the sake of the other person i isolate myself so they dont have to spend time with me. Its strange and hard to express, but there is a part of me which constantly reminds myself how i amnt good enough and never will be. How i will never be the daughter my family wanted me to be, or the sister that i should be and i will never be the perfect girlfriend or the perfect friend. I am the way i am and there are many things i could work on or improve on... but at the same time there are certain traits and personality traits which i have accepted as they are just part of me... and i could try to change them but i know that then it would just be a fake version of myself... me trying to be the image of who i would like to be.

It is awful to work so hard but still never feel like it is enough, to try my best but still feel like i am the worst human and suck at everything i do. And to push people away and isolate myself because i dont want people to have to spend time with me when i dont feel like i am good enough as a person.

These are just some of my evening thoughts which i felt i wanted to write out as others might feel the same, though i really hope nobody does. But i am going to try do some journelling and be my own "cheerleader" this evening and work on my self esteem and try to remind myself that those high standards for myself, sometimes i just need to let them go and realise that what i am doing is enough and stressing myself to do even more will just cause more damage.

I hope you are all having a great day, and if you havent had a great day then try to make what is left of the day awesome :)


7 comments:

  1. I hear you in this, and I believe you can and (I really, really hope) _will_ work through this just as you did with your feelings about your body before. (When I first started reading your blog, a little less than a year ago, one of the things I noticed was the disjunction between how far you'd come in relation to your body, and how it didn't seem the same in relation to yourself, and I wondered about that, and why that disjunction -- that's not really a question, and it is CERTAINLY not a criticism - it's just an observation and I hope it comes across as friendly, I really do.)
    I also hope that that thing about self-sabotaging relationships won't affect you badly in the long term. Sometimes one can push people away and/or avoid getting personally attached for the sorts of reasons you write here, and later really regret it. I hope that doesn't happen to you.
    Please know that I (like so many of your readers) think you are wonderful and an inspiration -- not because I don't hear your vulnerability and your continuing struggles, though you don't focus on them in writing here -- but in the midst of all of those in all you are and do.
    But like you said somewhere recently - it's not in the end about what I or any other observer thinks, it's about your own self-confidence. If it were just about what I think, you would be in great shape there too :-)
    Have a good evening, and well done for getting so much done on your essay, so efficiently. Sleep well, I hope, and wishing you a good day tomorrow.

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    1. Oh yes, there are still some things I need to work on and my self esteem and such. But I have both good days and bad days, and I guess you only really read about the bad days on here and not the good days when I feel great and love myself the way I am. But thank you for your lovely comment :) I hope you have a great rest of the week!

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  2. Sorry you are feeling this way, Izzy! :(
    Yesterday I told someone of my feelings of being emotionally "empty" (I rarely feel sad, happy.angry, etc. I just live monotonus), as well as how I am isolation myself because I enjoy my own company a lot, and that I do not really feel any stress anymore towards school deadlines etc. This person got me in contact with a psychologist :O I will speak to him/her soon. Am I mental or do you think it is normal to talk to a psychologist without being "crazy"?

    Wish you all well :)

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    1. That's a great thing that you told someone about the way you feel. Having no feeling sand just sort of being empty isn't good/normal... it is often a sign/symptom of something else. So I think talking to a psychologist will be a great thing, and it definitely doesn't make you crazy. :) hopefully you will start ti feel better soon!

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  3. With regard to your studies and your high standards you have set for yourself, no matter how many hours you spend with your books its never going to be enough. Have you considered setting a cap on your study time before hand so at the end of that time you know in yourself you have spent a reasonable time on it but that is now the end for the day, you have done your "quota" now it is time for something else? This way you won`t get caught up in the "have`nt done enough" thoughts and just carry on studying because of your feelings. You`ve got to be strict with yourself, if you set two hours for example, you`ve got to stick to that. By setting limits you will feel more productive in the long run because you are using your time efficiently and not burning yourself out to a state of exhaustion.
    Just an idea for you to think about.

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  4. How do you know you`re not a good enough daughter/ friend/girlfriend? Has anyone ever told you that? My guess is that they haven't and you are being super hard on yourself. Its ok to want to have alone time, to not want to be with people sometimes - that doesn't make you a lesser person! You have so much going for you it saddens me to read that you have such a low opinion of yourself, I don`t know you personally - all I can go on is how you come across on here but to me you are a beautiful, funny , ambitious, clever, thoughtful and kind hearted person who has spent so much of her personal time and energy trying to help others. And I`m sure your parents and your boyfriend love you very much just for being you. Please believe me that you are special and worthwhile, and try not to be so hard on yourself. If there were more people in the world like you it would be a better place. ((())))

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  5. Hi Izzy! I'm glad that things are generally better for you these days, a lot less darkness - but I do still think seeing a professional is a good idea! I know you struggled with feeling things aren't bad enough to warrant therapy, or not knowing what to actually talk about if you went, but have you considered pursuing DBT? It's a specific form of therapy that helps change the way we perceive the world, the messages we give ourselves. It's really wonderful, can be very helpful, and also provides a focus in therapy rather than just the awkward talk about whatever style sessions. It's very practical, and doesn't require crisis or anything to begin. Just simply, if you struggle with negative self-perception, it's a great tool to have. I have done it and it greatly helped. Something to think about! I found it less scary to approach therapy this way, as I didn't need to feel "sick enough" or "bad enough" to deserve or need going. It was enough that I just wanted help to change my thought patterns and learn further tools and coping strategies to help me through everyday life.

    Also, one silly piece of advice someone told me once that, for whatever reason, really stuck with me and helps me when I start feeling not good enough: "No matter who you are, there is someone out there who wishes they were you."

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