Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, April 28, 2016

Listening to my body

Hello :)

Today has been a morning of listening to my body and being productive.  Feels like the first time in a while. The past 4 days have been filled with anxiety and stress and I have just felt absaloutly awful... waking up with stress and anxiety which then hinders me from doing anything productive at all and that leads to more stress and anxiety. 

This morning anyway I woke up with the worst headache and feeling dizzy,  almost a hunger over feeling despite not having drunk anything and not being dehydrated either. I wanted to go to the gym as usual but that thought just stressed me... the whole process of going to the gym, working out, changing and heading home takes 2-3 hours and it just stressed me so instead I took a walk in the rain and then when I got back i made myself a big and delicious breakfast and gave myself 1-2 hours to just breathe and watch YouTube and not stress myself.  And then when all that was done I turned off my Internet on both my phone and computer and got 3 hours of work done using powerpoints, my book and documents... and now I'm feeling accomplished and proud and like I have learnt something. A calm feeling inside of me at the moment.

And now I'm going to head to stockholm as it's my sisters birthday tomorrow and she wants me to be there to celebrate. Yesterday all I wanted was to head home and cuddle with my dog and be with my family but today. ... well I am not feeling so great and the last thing I want to do is socialise. And it doesn't help that my sister is having a birthday dinner with family and friends and that means socialising. ... and I really don't want to do that. I don't even want to meet my boyfriend as I just want to curl into a ball and not do anything, not think and not feel. ... so not so sure how I will cope with this weekend. I have plans to celebrate my sisters birthday,  meet friends and spend time with my boyfriend and I want to do none of that now.... but I don't know how I can explain to them that I don't want to meet them,  that I don't want to socialise? Maybe I'll head home on Saturday so I don't have to explain. ... :/ I don't really know. But for now anyway I'm going to pack and then make my way to the train station. .. maybe workout in Stockholm so I can get some more alone time and therapy time before having to spend time with other people.

Anyway... this post became very negative,  hahah. That was not the plan,  but I guess I just needed to write this out.

Anyway,  I hope you all have a great weekend and let me know if there is anything you want me to write about :)


  1. I love your posts about yourself and your life - even when they are sad. I'm sorry you're suffering so much at the moment ... I really hope you do get help for anxiety/depression ... isn't there a risk of sinking further if you keep soldiering on without? I know there are ups as well as downs, but .... Anyway, whatever you do, thank you for all you share here and I hope you do have some fun this weekend whatever that means in the context, as things turn out :-)

    1. That's so sweet of you. Well it's mostly the stress which is affecting me alot and the stress makes my anxiety worse and makes me think negative... so I just need to learn to cope with stress. :/

  2. I just want to put it out there that I have actually recovered from an anxiety disorder, the same as I recovered from an ED. It is possible. I thought it was chemical, or I was just an anxious personality - I had no idea I could actually be free from it. For years I was crippled by anxiety, unable to make or answer phone calls, the whole bit. Today I am free from it. I still have times or periods of stress, but that useless, overwhelming anxiety is gone. Don't limit yourself, or your potential. I know a lot of people think anxiety disorders are lifelong illnesses, like schizophrenia, but you can actually heal from them, not just "manage" them. Something to think about!

    1. Thank you for this. I needed to read this. Sometimes it feels like I will always have this anxiety but I know it's worse I'm stressed. Can I ask what are your best tips to overcome anxiety? If ypu have time/feel like sharing. .. both for myself and my readers :)

    2. Yeah, sure! I think it varies for the individual, but for me, I found peace through a combination of talk therapy with a focus on distress tolerance, DBT counseling, and a 12-step program. I know 12-step isn't exactly right for everyone, but the work on self can be found outside of them, too. Oh, and developing a supportive and HONEST community around myself. I was shocked the day I realized I wasn't struggling anymore with my anxiety, it had just sort of melted away. Then I realized that it didn't disappear magically - I had worked to change my thought processes, developed healthy tools to tolerate and get through stress, and found self-acceptance on a level I'd never had before. The whole process honestly took a year or two, with both gradual and sudden changes. But I was going to spend that time an anxious ball of disorder anyway, might as well have spent the time learning to change. Now I am free, much happier, much less fearful, and excited about where I can still go and improve. I am still quiet, shy, introverted, etc. But I'm no longer crippled or overwhelmed by anxiety on a daily basis. My anxiety lasts a couple minutes now, not forever. I have some specific coping mechanism I use for stress, all stuff I figured out through my counseling or just on my own.

    3. One more thing to add to my above response - I was reluctant to include this in case the semantics of it alienated anyone, but upon further reflection I have to share it, because it is really like 50-75% of the reason I managed to overcome my anxiety: I worked to access, and then develop, my own sense of spirituality. For me, this meant connecting to that loving, benevolent presence in the universe. It can also be called unity, connectedness, spirit-self, higher consciousness, faith, true self, whatever. It's this connection to *something* that helps me believe that I am loved, that I am capable of handling what comes my way, and that everything will be okay in the end. It is living in the moment, living according to some higher guidance, and actively practicing to have continued contact with this essence in the world. It was hard for me, because I associated this thinking with "God", which was a difficult subject for me as a nonbeliever. However, I kept searching, and thinking, and exploring my own ideas on it, and today I have this lovely feeling of security and comfort that stems directly from having developed my spiritual side. I do believe a lot of today's society's problems come from the separation of self from "spirit". Everyone is looking for that external solution (money, clothes, weight loss, flat abs, possessions, etc), when really we need to be learning how to reconnect with our internal self or spirit. Anxiety is symptomatic of spiritual emptiness or sickness - same as EDs, addictions, etc. It stands to reason that if you work to build up your internal life and your connection to spirit, then these sicknesses will slowly heal. Chemical brain disorders aren't so fortunate, but anxiety is something that IS in our control to heal from. Something to think about anyway!

    4. Thank you so much for this ^

    5. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that :) I'm going to keep it in my mind. I hope you have a lovely weekend!!

    6. This is very interesting. Can you recommend any books I could read on the subject of finding spirituality?

    7. I got most of my spiritual growth from the basic text of my 12-step program, and from talking to others about what spirituality means to them. But there are tons of books on the subject, both secular and religious, whatever floats your boat. And podcasts, too, which are pretty neat. I'll check out my bookshelf and see if I can make any particular recommendations, but I'm not home right now. I'll add another comment when I have some titles :)

    8. Okay, I'm back :) And I had to divide my comment into two parts because it was too long to be accepted for publishing, so read both if you are interested.

      So, on my path to building my spiritual self, I basically opened my mind to all thoughts, possibilities, experiences, etc. I was like a squirrel gathering nuts - picking up bits and pieces as I found words or thoughts that resonated with me or felt right. My idea of spirituality is the accumulation and culmination of many different ideas from many different sources. There was trial and error involved, as I tried different ideas and either kept or let go of what was and wasn't working for me. It took time, a lot of searching, and an open and willing mind.

      The following are just SOME of the various concrete places I looked. I can't say that any of them were the end-all/be-all for me, but there were parts of each that spoke to me and led me to further thought, ideas, or sources:

      OTHER PEOPLE: I talked to others who were on a spiritual path. I asked questions about their experiences, their ideas, and about how to let go of my own doubts and cynicism. Other people were a wealth of information, and my main source of learning. I also talked about my own journey as it went on, because talking about where I was at, what I was struggling with, and the forming of new ideas helped me to solidify what it was that was true for me. It also helped me to see my own progress, as I gradually became more comfortable talking about it, and could hear myself becoming more grounded and comfortable with my own interpretation of spirituality.

      2. NATURE: This might seem obvious, or cheesy, but going outside, with the intention of being observant. Allowing myself the wonder of our natural world, noticing the beauty, complexity, and serenity that it provides. I really listened and felt for what part of me nature was speaking to. That feeling of awe at a beautiful sunrise? That is my spirit-self responding and connecting to what is beautiful in the world.

    9. 3. BOOKS: I read a lot, and enjoy reading different takes on spirituality. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of titles available, for any kind of seeker, for any kind of beliefs. I purposely sought out secular (non-religious) books, because I found that any talk of "God" caused my internal self to sort of seize up and close down. Learning and growing cannot occur with a closed mind, and so in the beginning I was careful to choose books that did not include God. As my own spiritual beliefs grew and settled, I was able to expand. I can now read things that talk of God, and not be thrown off. I can replace the word "God" in my head with words that work for me, and not miss a beat. Or I can read the word "God" and understand that it is simply another word for that unnameable essence in the world. Some titles on my own shelf:
      1. NA literature (I include this for anyone that is also struggling with addiction issues, as they often go hand-in-hand with EDs. In fact, there are ED-related 12-step programs available, because the basic roots of both diseases are the same). I particularly like the Basic Text, Just For Today meditations, and the Stepworking Guide.
      2. Living The Promises (another daily meditation book) by Jennifer Madson
      3. Waiting: a Non-Believer's Higher Power by Marya Hornbacher
      4. Sane: Mental Illness, Addiction, and the 12 Steps by Marya Hornbacher
      5. Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein (also ~ing, by the same author)
      6. A Course In Miracles by Marianne Williamson
      7. Becoming Real by Gail Saltz
      8. The Legacy of Luna by Julia Butterfly Hill (this is an environmental book about the famous tree-sit years ago, but at its base the author talks from a very spirit-centred place and the nature-spirit connection is a GREAT place to start if you are at the very beginning of your journey. It's a great story, too, and exemplifies what life can be if you follow the spiritual path instead of the material one. Julia talks about her experience on this journey).

      PODCASTS: I am new to podcasts, but there are a couple I have found recently that are quite good and informative:
      1. Conversations with Alanis Morissette (this one is fantastic, I find Alanis to be a VERY spiritually-centred and grounded woman, and her language really speaks to me. She also peppers her podcasts with MANY titles of great-sounding books that I am looking forward to checking out. I believe many of these titles can be found on her podcast website??)
      2. The One You Feed (this one is based on my favourite parable about the good wolf/bad wolf; this parable actually was the jump-start to my spiritual journey, as it spoke to me on a very base level in a way that is clear and easy to understand. Check it out for a very short, quick pick-me-up on the topic of how our choices can either lead to positive or negative (or healthy/sick) results)

      If anyone can add to this list, I would love to read it. I love growing my own knowledge and deepening my own beliefs. The more you search, the more you will find. Happy hunting!

    10. Sorry, sorry, one last comment, then I swear I'm done!! Lol.

      1. I forgot to say that yoga has also been a really complimentary practice to my spiritual journey. As has learning how to treat my physical body with respect and love.

      2. Lastly, it's possible that NONE of them above suggestions will work for or speak to you. spirituality is highly individual, and the above are just something things that spoke to me. If the whole lot of them leave you with a "meh" feeling, then just move on and seek elsewhere. Some people have a "lightbulb" moment when it comes to spirituality, and the changes within are quite sudden. For me, it was definitely a gradual process, with many backslides as I doubted what only the week before had felt like a major discovery. The trick is to persevere. Spirituality is juts like every other aspect of life, in that it requires practice, and then maintenance, to build and keep it strong. Today, I even have room for prayer in my life, because it strengthens my connection to my spiritual side. And I don't even believe in God as a deity or personified presence in the world! I simply enjoy the feeling of connection I get, and the power of intention that comes from it, and so I pray. At first it felt ridiculous, because who the heck am I talking to??? But it slowly became natural, and then lovely, and now important to my everyday living. My prayers are simple, basically "thank you" and "help me". Help me to find connection to spirit, help me to live with gratitude and love, help me to let go of fear and resentment, help me to keep an open mind and a willing heart. Thank you for another day, thank you for the health of my family and the health of of my body despite the years I spent trying to destroy it, thank you for staying with me while I fumble around.

      Okay, now I'm really done, and I hope it is at least somewhat helpful. Spirituality is a neat thing, and for me it has become essential to living a full and happy life free of the sicknesses and disorders that I lived with for two decades. Most of us who suffer are aware that there is a void inside, or that we are running from *something* - but we don't know how to fill or close that hole, and we don't know what we're running from or where we're running to. Spirituality is the practice of learning how to live from within, however that looks for you. I wish all seekers the best, and lots of love to you on your journeys. Stick with it :)

    11. I think it's awesome that you are commenting and sharing all of this. So thank you so much!!! It's helpful for both me and others im sure :) sharing knowledge and tips and advice is great!!