Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

How would i feel and think if i were to gain alot of weight

A random thought which i had yesterday and felt the need to share on here was, How would i feel if i were to gain lots of weight whether it was due to an illness such as a thyroid problem or just due to bad lifestyle choices.

Growing up i was always the skinny girl who needed to eat more. And now a days i am known as the fit girl who is always active and eats lots. But what would happen if i were to gain lots of weight and no longer be the skinny or (look) "fit" girl. But then i realised... that those phrases are putting my body as my identity. Allowing people to categorize me and allowing just my body to be my identity, when in reality i am so much more than that. Of course my family and close friends know that, and i am not just "the active gymrat", but i am me... my personality, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts and behaviours and my body is just the 'machine' that carries me from place to place and allows me to do the things i want to do.

How would i feel if my body were to change drastically, and my answer is that i dont really know... I have always been skinny and on the low weight side, so i think that both physically and mentally it would be a huge change. Learning to love a new body, a bigger body. And that doesnt mean it is a bad body or a body i couldnt love... if my body were to change lots or i gained lots of weight i would focus on loving it as it was. Though of course if the reason for the change in my body was due to bad lifestyle choices then i would of course change that for the sake of my health, but i dont know if i would go on a diet to lose weight, unless it was absaloutly needed.

It was an interesting thought to have because it isnt something i have ever thought about... of course during recovery i worried about continuously gaining weight and never stopping with the weight gain, but then as time went on i realised that wasnt the case. And after that i have never worried or thought about gaining lots of weight, and it isnt something i worry or think about now either. But the thought struck me. And at first i thought I would be very uncomfortable in my body if that ever happened, as it would be such as big change from what i have always had as a body type. But then i realised that, my body shouldnt define me and that i know i can love my body no matter what size or weight. It is just a matter of wanting and trying to love yourself and realising that you are more than your body.

Thinking like that, can actually put all the small things into perspective... like in all honesty, what does stomach rolls or cellulite really matter? (I have learnt to not let these bother me a long time ago... but just doing a reminder!) What matters is being happy and healthy and then whether you are X or Y kilo doesnt really matter. Self love at all sizes!!!

I dont really know where i am going with this post, just that i was thinking about it today and thought i wanted to share how "refreshing" it felt to realise that for me personally it wouldnt matter so much if i gained 5-10kg or lost 5-10kg (Though i dont even have that weight to lose, so it wouldnt be healthy to do that), of course if it were drastic changes either way, then i dont know how well i would cope... but who knows, at this stage of my life i havent been placed in that situation. But i learnt to love myself after gaining 20+kg weight, and i still loved myself after gaining another 6kg, so weight really doesnt matter, what matters is that you choose to love yourself no matter what your size or weight!


  1. I agree. I've read autobiographies etc by people who have had illnesses that have made them go from skinny to obese. It would be a difficult change, but it wouldn't define "me", I would still love my body which keeps me alive. Same with disabilities. It would be really, really, really hard. But the challenges of living with whatever it was it would make us stronger on the inside. I find Francesca Martinez quite inspiring on this....

    1. Exactly, I didn't think about disabilities but that is the same thing. You learn to live... and when it comes to illnesses or disabilities you need to accept it. Though negative lifestyle choices can be changed. I have never heard of francesca martinez but I'm going to Google her and read :) it's always interesting with people's autobiographies and learning to cope with big changes!

    2. The autobiography that involves a story of going from skinny to obese was Hilary Mantel, Giving up the Ghost :)
      She is sufficiently un-obsessed by bodies that this aspect is not the central point of her narrative at all, but it is a dimension of it.

  2. I really hope to reach this stage in recovery and this mindset. The ability to truly accept myself. I'm physically healthy but my mind... Not always. The women in my family are all quite overweight and gain weight SO easily. But my sister is a bit of a genetic miracle and is petite and skinny. I'm tall and slim. Not skinny but slim. And boy do I have to watch what I eat and make sure I work out. And part of me wishes I was one of those girls who could just eat whatever they want but I'm not. I wish I was like my sister. And it's hard seeing her have something so effortlessly which I work so hard for- the 'ultimate' body.

    1. I don't know you personally but sometimes it feels like we need to control what we eat and exercise more than we actually do? Maybe you aren't at your set point if your weight goes up and down alot or maybe it's your metabolism if you are doing alot of exercise and maybe not eating so much to control your weight? Don't compare yourself to your sister, focus on you and being healthy and happy in the body you have! Of course some people can eat whatever and still maintain a slim physique but everyone is different and unless there is a genetic reason or illness it doesn't take just one cookie to gain weight.

  3. This sort of reminds me of a TV programme I saw once where someone challenged the view that overweight people can be happy and healthy too. The person concerned deliberately set out to gain 4 stone (kilos?) in weight and when she reached her target she absolutely hated it. Her health and relationships suffered because she went through such a change with the weight gain and she was socially a target of abuse. Needless to say she then dieted to loose it all and is now back to her original size. According to her she proved a point that weight carries a stigma and it affects your life as well as your health. In a way she is right, of course we say we could love our bodies whatever their shape or size, but in reality is this really true? I hated my body when I was at my lowest weight,its only now looking back that I can begin to appreciate how skinny and ill looking I was. I still have a way to go before I reach a normal weight but know that if I was to pile on the weight beyond my normal range I would struggle with it.
    Loving your body whatever isn't necessarily true.

    1. Hmm. .. appreciate how ill and skinny you looked? That doesn't sound like a good mindset and like you have the mindset of "skinny is best" which isn't true. As I have never personally been at a very high weight/bmi I don't know how I would cope if I were but it was a thought I had, that would I be able to cope despite it being a huge change? And of course I can't answer definitely as it's not the actual situation but it's a way to think about how self accepting and self loving am I really? Or do I just love my body because it's the "at the moment trend body"... but I know I would focus on self love despite my size. I think saying that "people who are overweight hate themselves and aren't good etc etc" is adding to fat shaming and also a negative body image. People can love their body whatever size but it's about allowing yourself to love yourself and not giving a damn what anyone else says... so sure if someone wants to love their body and size being 20kg underweight, nobody can stop them but it's also about health... but I think loving yourself no matter weight or size is important.