Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Saturday, April 9, 2016

Habits which i had when i was sick which seemed normal or healthy

When it comes to eating disorders most people only think about the bigger negative things - which of course are the "worst" of the problem such as starving, binging, purging or compensating through execise, laxatives, dieuretics or other pills. Those are usually the "Bigger"and negative things which an eating disorder causes you to do, not to mention the change in humor, mood, energy and life motivation. But i began thinking about the smaller things which my eating disorder made me do which were small forms of punishment, and things which might seem "normal/ok/healthy" but definitely werent for me and werent so enjoyable either.

Things such as drinking several cups of black tea per day.... Might not sound strange, but black tea tastes awful without some form of milk. I drink herbal teas without milk but black tea.... that needs milk to be tasty according to me. I used to drink black coffee only while i was sick as well, but now i mix it up somedays i drink it without milk somedays with milk. But even if i wanted milk in my coffee or tea i would never allow myself to have it.

I would take cold showers instead of hot showers..... i would never willingly do that now. .But back then, it was a form of punishment and a way to burn more calories and i hated every second of it. I was freezing with layers of clothes on, so it didnt help to go stand in a freezing cold shower..... i dont care what people say about the "Health benefits" of cold showers, i would never take a cold shower willingly at this point in my life.

Lying on the floor. I didnt think i was worth lying on the bed, so i would lie on the floor in my room or i would stand as i wasnt allowed to sit down or rest. At times i stil sit on the floor in present day, but that is actually because i like sitting on the floor.... sounds strange, but sitting on the floor and writing in my journal is actually one of the most comforting/helpful things. But lying on the floor because i didnt think i was worth lying on a bed? Definitely crazy but something i thought i had to do.

Always making food for others and never eating it myself, and not to mention i was fine using oil, butter and cream and adding "extra" when i cooked for others. But could never use those things if i knew i had to make the food myself. I was obsessed with food and so making food for others and seeing others happy to eat made me happy... it was like they were eating for me. But it was a very sick and food obsessed behaviour. If anyone ever said they were hungry or wanted food, i would be the first one to say i could go to the store to buy them food or make them food.

Always standing and moving. Never sat down or allowed myself to rest, and i used to stand in weird posititions as my muscles were so tired so i would like lean on things but also stand in weird positions so as to not get caught in hospital or by mum and that has lead to the back pain i still have today (and it doesnt help that i had a weird hip back then which sometimes flares up with pain at present time).

There are so many other small things which were a form of punishment for me and behaviours i did because of my eating disorder but i hated them. Those behaviours could be normal for other people... i mean just because someone chooses to take cold showers or drink their coffee black or enjoys making food for others doesnt mean they have an eating disorder, but at the same time they are small habits which can seem "ok" maybe a little strange, but nothing that is predominantly a sign of an eating disorder, but for me they were habits which were definitely due to the eating disorder controlling me.

And i felt the need to highlight them here, so that maybe you can think about your own behaviour.... because back then i would have told you, " i liked my tea black, i liked lying on the floor and taking cold showers. I liked standing all the time and making food for others... and that was because somehow i was believing what my eating disoder told me. But it wasnt until i began to stop with those behaviours that i realised just how much i hated them and how glad i was to be rid of those behaviours. Even if i still enjoy making food for others and enjoy being active but it is not the same thing, because at times if someone asks me to make them food i will say no because i have other things to do or just dont want to, but back then i would never refuse.

Anyway.... this might be something to think about your own behaviour and see if there are things which you might need to change? Or habits which seem so normal to you, part of your daily life but actually arent as healthy or fun as your eating disorder makes them out to be?


  1. One thing i used to do - but don`t anymore so maybe that's a good thing? - is make cakes. When i say make cakes i`m talking about several a week, sometimes everyday. Of course i myself never ate them, they were for family to eat or to be given away to them whether they wanted them or not! Like i said, i don`t do it now and find it hard to believe that i really used to do it. At the time i didn't see anything wrong in it but now i can see it was excessive and not normal behaviour. Thing is, my family never said anything about it either so i just continued to do it.

    1. I used to do alot of cooking for others while I struggled with anorexia but when I struggled with binge eating disorder I baked almost everyday and then ate it all myself. ... :/ both sides of the spectrum were awful and disordered. Sometimes you don't even realise how some behaviours which are so habitual aren't actually so healthy.

  2. Yes, standing all the time, cooking for others, standing in the kitchen while they are eating to look how much they eat. And more things.. :( I am so obsessed with food and i wish i could stop with these weird habits.

    1. You can stop with those behaviours and the food obsession, but it requires that you want to make a change and try to makea change. Try to focus on other things as well as actually recovering. Realising that food is part of life, not your whole life. It takes time, but it is worth it :) Just read some of the comments below and you will realise how they feel so much better with a healthier life and not having the old sick habits. You need to make a change and want to recover and focus on other things in life and trying to live life, not just survive :)

  3. I had to eat with the same plate, fork, and cup at every meal :/ I still kind of do that (I'm find comfort in routine) but if my favourite cup is dirty, I have no problem using something else!
    I did the tea thing too....but with Green tea. And I HATE green tea now haha. I love herbal teas and fancy flavoured ones and I drink 2 cups every day. But now I do it because I want to and I enjoy it:)

    1. Its so much better when you do things that you enjoy and love rather than doing things out of fear/not wanting anxiety, some things like that... i.e using certain cups or plates are just sort of routine, for example i always eat using a small spoon and i have always been told that that is disordered but i have never actually seen it that way, and i still eat with small spoons even if some find it strange!

  4. Ahh weird things. I used to burry food in the garden late at night that might tempt me to binge, i used to chew on ice cubes to stop me from eating food and burn more calories with the cold, i used to only eat with a teaspoon and tiny bowls, i used to never ever take the escalator if there were stairs nearby, i used to put more books in my backpack than needed to burn more calories, and i used to refuse to wear warmer clothes and turn on the air con during winter even so my body would burn more calories to stay warm. It was exhausting and miserable. I say this with a cup of tea (with milk) in my hand, lying on the couch, with a blanket around me. I much prefer this new way of living.

    1. Its so crazy to think about some of the things that your eating disorder made you do when you were sick, but then again it feels amazing to realise how far you have come as well, and that the healthier life is so much better :) And lying on the couch with a blanket and tea is a much better way of life than eating ice, freezing and walks with heavy books!!