Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Friday, April 29, 2016

Friday & my food diary of the day


My head is not in a good place and i just feel generally weird and just "out of it", very hard to explain. So instead, a quick post including my breakfast, lunch and dinner and also what i have done today, which isnt much. I havent completely unmotivated so all i have managed to do today is
1) go for a run/walk with Daisy in the morning,
2) eat left over pancakes from yesterday for breakfast,
3) Have an awesome workout at the gym with my sister
4) Come home, make a delicious lunch (picture below),
5) then shower and have a mini spa session,
6) Make home made bread
7) Waste time and talk with my family,
8) Eat dinner with my family (My sister requested a sea food lasagna as it is her birthday today) and now its 7pm and i dont really know how i am going to spend the rest of my evening. Most likely take a walk as it is still so bright and somewhat sunny, and then maybe watch a film with my family... or if my sister somehow manages to convince me to go out dancing, but i am 99.9% certain that i wont do that, not to mention that i forgot my credit cards and money at my apartment (Good job there... haha, but it means involuntary saving of money until i travel back to my own apartment. Though of my course i can borrow from my parents while im in Stockholm if i need it.)

Anyway... that was all i had to write today, i.e not so much. But i have been requested to post more food pictures so below you see my breakfast, lunch and dinner and also ill write my food diary for today :)

Pre breakfast: 2 cups of coffee with soy milk

Breakfast: Pancakes with chocolate and caramel syrup (Just plain old pancaakes with wholemeal flour, eggs, sweetner, soy milk and butter)

Lunch: Roasted potatoes made with oil and salt & 1 mini avocado mixed with creme fraiche and herb salt & 55g mixed peanuts and the raw food bar

Snack 1) half a piece of chocolate/cream cake

Snack 2) Home made bread with butter and jam & 2 fried eggs

Dinner: Sea food lasagna with salad
Dessert: 3 pieces of dark chocolate

Snack: Not eaten yet but i think i might fry some eggs and eat some more of my home made bread, or maybe some yoghurt with muslie and nuts... not so sure, but something along the lines of this :)

Everyone wants a summer body and going on a smmer detox - but dont let that affect you or stop you from reaching YOUR goasls

As always, as it begins to get warmer and closer to summer in the European countries anyway there begins to be a hysteria of reaching that summer body and looking good in a bikini. It is so easy to get caught up in that hysteria and obsession which others are feeling, to get caught up in the thought that your body isnt good enough as it already is. Thinking that everyone else is out running and doing lots of cardio and drinking green smothies, and you begin to wonder if you should do the same.  Not to mention all the magazines with the "10 day detox to lose 30lbs" or "how to lose weight fast for summer" or "how to get a flat stomach, thigh gap and summer body in just 2 weeks with this diet" titles as well as the numerous pictures of photoshopped models in bikinis. so inspirational it hurts.
(sarcasm, if anyone didnt get that get ;))

Each year it is the same thing and each year vulnerable girls (and guys!) end up getting caught up in the trend and obsession and it is easy that it can go too far. That the 2 week diet becomes a 4 week diet which leads to a 4 month diet and due to other factors maybe an eating disorder develops, or you end up with body image disorder or just an unhealthy relationship to food and your body and/or exercise. It saddens me to see how many people are feeling self conscious over their bodies, who are struggling with low self esteem and then everywhere on social media and magazines on tv adds there are people talking about diets and weightloss and always reminding them that they arent good enough, that their body needs to change, and that unless they lose weight their body isnt good enough to be seen in a bikini. But it is so wrong, and such a wrong message. Your summer body, is the body you have in summer. Your bikini body is your body in a bikini. Your winter body is the body you have in winter. You do not need to change your body just due to seasons changing, what you need to change is your thoughts and work on your self esteem and self confidence. Learn to love yourself and not let others affect you.

There will always be people out there who get caught up in fad diets or who think that eating very little is ok just to lose some quick weight, or people who start dieting 3 weeks before summer just to try to get into shape. You can't escape that, but you can try to limit your time to those types of people and to not let what they are doing affect you. But instead focus on what is best for YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HEALTH. Who cares what anyone else is doing, you can't control them. Trust me, the amount of people i have tried to help and remind them that a 10 day cleanse wont do much apart from maybe help your skin if you have just been eating a bunch of junk food, or tried to remind people that cutting their calories severly just to lose weight for a bikini body wont result in anything good... but yet, nobody really listens. So then all i can do is just focus on myself and do what is best for me.

Who cares if others are dieting and trying to lose weight, ask yourself is that what you need to do as well just because? Is that going to help your health or your life or help you reach your goal? If the answer to any of those is no, then why do it. Just because 5 other people jump doesnt mean you have to as well (just an example). You need to know what is best for you and then do that.

I know its easier said than done, but it is about being strong within yourself and always trying to do what is best for yourself and not lettting other peoples goals or what other people are doing affect you.

You can not live a life where you just follow others and do what others do. Just because one person goes one way doesnt mean you have to as well, you can go your own way, a seperate way.

If you find yourself getting dragged into the summer diets and summer weightloss or surrounded by many people who are focused on that, instead remind yourself of what is best for you. What will help you in the long term, and each day focus on self love. Not just on changing your body but on self love from the inside and changing your thoughts.

Weightloss and dieting isnt that great. So DONT feel jealous of others who are dieting or trying to lose weight, instead embrace the fact that you can eat plenty of food and just regain strength and energy.It is a process like all things, but hopefully one day you wont be affected by what others are doing or the hysteria around summer and a summer body and instead you know that your body is awesome no matter the season or weather!!

Love your body no matter what, no matter weight or size. Easier said than done, but it is not impossible!

(And yes my feet are white... i have a problem with feet so i always wear socks even in summer... so then the problem of having white feet and tanned legs when i actually have to take my socks off.... XD Yes, feel free to laugh!!!)

Happiness is not a weight or a size

I know that many people that happiness comes from a weight or size, but it doesnt. Happiness comes from the inside, and weightloss wont take away bad body image or low self esteem. Just like gaining weight wont make your eating disorder or insecutiry go away, those are things you have to work on. Of course weightloss or weight gain might be necessary in certain cases, but its important to realise that just because you weigh a certain weight or have reached a certain body size doesnt mean that you will feel happy.

And i know society has made it that slim people have it "easier", i can't deny that. However just because someone is slim doesnt mean that they are happy or that their life is perfect, size has nothing to do with that. But of course some things are easier for some people such as due to age, gender or size can play a role in certain areas of life (even if i wish it wasnt that way, but unfortunatly that is how society is [though of course, it can be changed in the future]). But just because you lose a bunch of weight or gain a bunch of weight or reach a certain body size or body image doesnt mean that you will love your body or love your life or feel happy or feel confident... those things come from the inside. However i cant deny that sometimes body changes CAN help confidence, but 95% of the time the happiness is because you have learnt to love yourself and that body change just adds that extra 5%.

The problems in your head won't be solved by chaning your body, they will be solved by changing your thoughts and focusing on mental recovery. But of course things such as intake and eating properly can make a huge difference in thoughts and the way you feel i.e i dont know how awesome someone will feel just eating McDonalds regardless of their weight.

Focus on changing your thoughts and feeling happy, not just letting your body control your happiness. If you put your confidence and happiness in the way your body looks then it won't last, but instead find happiness in other areas of life and focus on positivity. Of course changing your body isnt all wrong, i mean we would all look the same for our wholve lives if that was the case, but just know that if you think you will be happy once you reach a certain size or weight then that isnt always the case. If the problem is in your head then body manipulation wont make those probelms go away.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Listening to my body

Hello :)

Today has been a morning of listening to my body and being productive.  Feels like the first time in a while. The past 4 days have been filled with anxiety and stress and I have just felt absaloutly awful... waking up with stress and anxiety which then hinders me from doing anything productive at all and that leads to more stress and anxiety. 

This morning anyway I woke up with the worst headache and feeling dizzy,  almost a hunger over feeling despite not having drunk anything and not being dehydrated either. I wanted to go to the gym as usual but that thought just stressed me... the whole process of going to the gym, working out, changing and heading home takes 2-3 hours and it just stressed me so instead I took a walk in the rain and then when I got back i made myself a big and delicious breakfast and gave myself 1-2 hours to just breathe and watch YouTube and not stress myself.  And then when all that was done I turned off my Internet on both my phone and computer and got 3 hours of work done using powerpoints, my book and documents... and now I'm feeling accomplished and proud and like I have learnt something. A calm feeling inside of me at the moment.

And now I'm going to head to stockholm as it's my sisters birthday tomorrow and she wants me to be there to celebrate. Yesterday all I wanted was to head home and cuddle with my dog and be with my family but today. ... well I am not feeling so great and the last thing I want to do is socialise. And it doesn't help that my sister is having a birthday dinner with family and friends and that means socialising. ... and I really don't want to do that. I don't even want to meet my boyfriend as I just want to curl into a ball and not do anything, not think and not feel. ... so not so sure how I will cope with this weekend. I have plans to celebrate my sisters birthday,  meet friends and spend time with my boyfriend and I want to do none of that now.... but I don't know how I can explain to them that I don't want to meet them,  that I don't want to socialise? Maybe I'll head home on Saturday so I don't have to explain. ... :/ I don't really know. But for now anyway I'm going to pack and then make my way to the train station. .. maybe workout in Stockholm so I can get some more alone time and therapy time before having to spend time with other people.

Anyway... this post became very negative,  hahah. That was not the plan,  but I guess I just needed to write this out.

Anyway,  I hope you all have a great weekend and let me know if there is anything you want me to write about :)

What happens when you fuel your body properly and nourish it right?

Your brain gets the energy it needs.
Your cells and organs function to the best of their ability.
Your hair grows and your nails get stronger as well as your bones.
Your skin is usually less dry when you eat properly (and get enough water).
You have more energy.
Easier to sleep at night when you get the right nourishment and fuel i.e not super hungry or extremely full which can prohibit sleep.
Stronger physically and mentally.
More capable of doing things. Both work and fun stuff.
Better concentration and focus.
A happier body and better functioning body.

Of course there are other things that can play a role such as other physical illnesses or disabilities or other mental illnesses. But generally speaking eating the right amount and right nourishing food makes you feel so much better physically and mentally. So why not eat properly when there are so many benefits?

I know your meal plan may feel daunting or you feel you don't deserve or haven't earned to eat, but that's not true. Your meal plan is there to help you, and you always deserve food! Feed your body right and it will thank you.

You can't live a whole and full life if you are walking around starving and empty or have your thoughts constantly on food.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Its strange how you can feel so happy but so sad at the same time & talk about anxiety

(This was meant to be posted this morning XD)

At the moment i am just one bg mix of emotions. Am i happy or am i sad? What is going on with my thoughts, feelings and emotions?

One minute i am happy, the next i am sad but at the same time... i am both all the time. The happiness of the small things, always looking for the positives... but i still cant seem to run from those sad thoughts and feelings. .Those thoughts that remind me of the change that is to come, of how i amnt good enough or just a general sadness which cant be explained. Its strange how i want to smile with happiness but also cry with sadness all at the same time. It doesnt really make sense, but i am making do of the situation.

Yesterday i was up at 6am and left the house by 7am. First up a workout, then home to study and eat breakfast, however i really didnt get any productive studying at all. I had a headache, felt unmotivated and just a sense of "blah" and that caused me to feel anxious as i wasnt productive and stressed because i wasnt doing what i was supposed to do and the feelings of stress and anxiety just sort of paralyzed me and i didnt get any school work done. However i did get my laundry done as well as cleaning and in the evening i got myself out of the house and out from my anxiety bubble and took a walk which was then followed by some sort of throw together late snack/mix of everything. And the evening was basically spent longing for a better and more productive new day (so hopefully that will be the case today).

When i get anxiety - and i mean alot of anxiety - then i am almost paralyzed, i cant get anything done because i am completely trapped in my own head and my own thoughts. Just a few days ago i had so much anxiety and i thought, i should write a blog post about this... but i was so paralyzed in my own thoughts and those feelings of anxiety and creeping panic that i couldnt even manage to do that, so it is only now a few days later after my anxiety from today has passed that i actually manage to write about it. Sometimes i can work through the anxiety but often times it stops me from doing what i want to do or need to do, not to mention the slight social anxiety i have (i.e i hate making phone calls, i hate embarrassing myself infront of people or doing things or saying things to new people. I have purposely not done things due to my social anxiety and times when i havent gone to the same store 2 times in a day because i havent wanted the staff to see me there two times, or times i have avoided calling people back or making appointments as i hate caling people). Its a sort of crippling feeling when the anxiety controls you and suddenly you cant get anything done and hours can pass where i just sort of sit there stuck in my own thoughts and cant seem to break free... but i am alot better at it now, and just getting myself out of the house adn going for a walk helps alot. Or just deciding on doing something and not allowing myself to just sit and wallow in those emotions. So there is a tip... just try to drag yourself out of that bubble and change scenery, it might be tough but it helps. But also, dont allow yourself to feel more anxious over the fact that the anxiety is making you unproductive... as that leads to more anxiety and even more unproductivity. Instead, try to breathe and calm yourself down. Think rational and change scenery or go somewhere new or do something. The anxiety and panic will pass, its just a sort of waiting game as well as trying to do something else.

You arent alone with feeling anxious, some have it worse and some have it easier, but you arent alone with the struggle. But know that anxiety can get better, i mean i can still live my life even if i feel anxious or get alot of anxiety at times.... it doesnt control me 100% just sometimes, of course that might not be the most motivating of speeches, but i havent gotten help for my anxiety or depression, so i am sure if i did it might be better, but i know that i am atleast doing ok without help, and that life is still manageable!!

This post took a turn, anyway.... that was my yesterday and some talk about anxiety for those of you who can relate!

I hope you all have a great Wednesday and make the best of it :)

I want to gain muscle but not gain fat

Three questions which i see far too often recently and are really beginning to get on my nerve are:

I want to gain muscle but i dont want to gain fat
I dont want to get bulky
If i want to lose weight and have to burn more than i eat, how am i supposed to exercise away 1500 kcal? (example question)

And i get it... most people arent so interested in nutrition or exercise or how the body works. I mean i am pretty sure i have asked some pretty "dumb" questions about cars or make up or songs etc And i am pretty sure anyone who has an interest in a certain area or topic end up getting iritated over the same type of questions being asked all the time.

But what also irritates me is society.... Because for females there is the ideal of the thin body i.e catwalk model body but also now there is the ideal of super lean, big butt and big breasts but basically no fat anywhere else and preferably a toned stomach but not full on abs.

Those ideals are just wrong, because for the majority of people they arent healthy or attainable. And being able to have big breasts and a big butt while also having very little body fat percent, not so easy and not to mention not so healthy physically or mentally.

I am going to start off with the first question which i see about 5 times a day on different pages or sites, and the fact is... to gain muscle you need to gain fat as well. Gaining muscle means being in a surplus of calories, and not all those calories go to your muscles, they also get stored as fat. But in time, as you gain more muscle your body will also burn more each day as muscle is active and therefore needs energy all the time to keep it that way. So generally speaking the more muscle you have the easier it is to lose fat over time. Because when you are in a deficit of calories, i.e eating less than your body needs (below your TDEE) then your body will be in a catabol state and need to take energy from its own stores, but it will also break down muscle for energy as well as part of the protein you eat going to energy to sustain the body and glucose levels instead of going to the protein synthes.... that is why its easier to gain muscle while on a calorie surplus because the protein will go to the protein synthes and building up of your muscles (if you strength train anyway, otherwise protein will be converted to glucose and stored anyway) . But you cant forget that the muscles also need glucose to be able to work to their potential and to then build stronger.

Anyway, there were just the facts. But people seem to be so incredibly scared of gaining fat, and they just want to gain muscle... and many who are in "recovery" i have noticed just want to gain muscle so that the number on the scale goes up but they dont go up in fat and can therefor trick the people around them that they are a healthy weight when in all honesty their body fat is below a healthy level and most likely their thoughts about themselves, food and exercise arent healthy.

Your body needs fat, thats a simple fact. You both need to eat fat for the essential fatty acids, but your body also needs fat to function. I mean people are incredibly scared of cholesterol but we already have cholesterol in our body which is synthesized on its own and is part of the cell membran as well as other important functions in the body, and not to mention the important functions fat has in our body both keeping us warm and acting as a shock absorber for our organs as well as being part of the cell membran. Women especially need a certain procent of body fat to keep their body healthy and for their menstrual cycle to function. If you workout too much, eat too little, dont get enough fat or iron in your diet or you are very stressed or have too low body fat, all of those things can affect you getting your menstrual cycle, which can be good to be aware of.

Wanting to build muscle should be 1) To be stronger and feel stronger, 2) You want to progress with your exercise i.e if you are a runner, swimming, lifter, dancer etc it is beneficial to have muscle mass 3) Because you think it looks good (I mean you cant deny that many people who strength train do it for appearance reasons, but i ALSO think there should be other reasons behind why you workout or strength train, because having just appearance based goals will never make you satisfied and you will just keep comparing yourself to others). It is ok to have fat on your body, in fact it is essential. YES, you most likely will gain fat when you gain muscle... no that shouldnt prohibit you from strength training, and really, it isnt that much fat. Also when you strength train you get different body proportions and ratios. I mean i weigh roughly 4-5kg more than when i began to strength train but i look very different (picture below to show the difference).

Also know that for girls it takes alot to look "bulky" from strength training... Its not like you drink one scoop of protein powder, do some deadlifts and bicep curls and suddenly you look like someone who has trained for 20 years. But that is what some people seem to think.... Of course some have it easier to gain muscle, i mean some girls who have worked out for 9 months or a year have gained the same muscle mass that i have in 3 years, so body types are different. I dont easily gain weight or muscle so for me it is more of a struggle to build muscle and then maintain the muscle mass i have, but i am more focused on trying to keep up my strength and improve my strength and progress in my workouts, rather than building muscle. Strength train for YOU and because you want to, and the chance of you getting bulky is very unlikely.

And last but not least, "you need to burn more than you eat" - this question isnt so appropriate for this blog, but it might be a good reminder anyway. Your body is always burning calories so your BMR is what your body burns just keeping you alive for example if you were in a coma you would get fed by a tube the amount your BMR is (usually around 1300-1600 kcal depending on height, weight, body ratio etc). But then your TDEE is what your body burns including activity, which can be anywhere from 2200-3200 or more. So for me when i have calculated i have a BMR of around 1450, but a TDEE of around 2800-3000, and that is roughly the amount i eat each day more or less.  Bbut when people talk about burning more than you eat, it doesnt mean you eat 1200 and run 2 hours to burn 1200, it means you eat less than your TDEE ex. i would eat roughly 2300-2500 if i wanted to lose weight. Not appropriate on here, but i hope that makes sense... to make you realise that if you are eating 800kcal a day.... it is not enough, even eating 2000kcal and trying to gain weight on that isnt really enough. Because weight gain should mean eating your maintenance (i.e most people around 2000kcal without any extra exercise + 500kcal to gain weight. And then if you exercise as well you need to eat those burned calories)

So... a long post and i am pretty sure nobody read all of it, thats ok. I just felt like i needed to rant and share some information and "facts". Dont be scared of fat, there are far worse things in life than having fat on your body and if you are so scared of having fat on your body but you want to exercise 12 hours a week, then ask yourself how healthy is your relationship with your body, exercise and food?


ED recovery problems

Deciding to eat a fear food despite all your anxiety about the challenge

When people assume you’re fully recovered just because you seem to be behaving normally

Stumbling upon an old picture of you when you were malnourished

When people cheer you on for eating after you’ve already got the hang of taking care of yourself

When someone tries to call the food you’re eating “fattening”

Trying to fight your ED while keeping your other mental illnesses at bay.

When your nutritionist decides you need to up your intake

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

PMS, stress, hormones

Do you have any experience with PMS? I've recently gotten my period back in a regular pattern. I've got BPD also, and every month when i get my period I get really really bad nightmares and suicidal thoughts. Now I am trying to stop seeing my therapist as much and learn to manage independently, but I'm also doing my exams and today I just lost it in lesson and cried my heart out (it was very embarrassing) and had to come home. I don't know what to do, I don't know if it's a normal reaction or not to feel so impulsive and desperate just at times of period. Also, what would you do? I find it so hard to talk to other people about things as negative as death and thoughts etc because I'm seen as the positive optimistic one, or at least I try to seem like that. And i don't want to go to my therapist because I'm worried she's gonna think I'm not doing well... do you think I should just wait it out somehow? Sorry for the negative question, I'm just at the end of my tether a bit :(

Thank you 

I am sorry that you feel that you are struggling so much with PMS, but know that you aren't alone. During that time of the month your hormones are a little crazy and you can feel all sorts of ways, and when you struggle with a mental illness such as depression or BPD it doesnt make it better either. For me personally when i had PMS (i no longer get my period due to birth control and dont get PMS either) i would feel tired and have mood swings roughly a week before i got my period. I could end up wanting to cry because i missed the bus even though the next one came in 10 minutes, or i could get so irritated that i wanted to throw plates or scream and that was for no apparent reason, but sooner or later i connected the dots that my mood swings, irritability, tiredness as well as lots of hunger and bloatedness was due to PMS. And it didnt help when my period was irregular and i got it either 2 times a month or every 3 months, so then i could have crazy mood swings which i couldnt control at strange times.

My first suggestion is to not be afraid to talk to your therapist. You may be doing better than before, but your therapist is still there to help you and if you get so low that you get sucidal thoughts and break down, then you do need to talk to someone. Keeping it all in and faking that you are doing good wont result in anything positive, trust me... ive been there, and eventually that stress, the anger, mood swings and pent up thoughts and emotions... you will burst, but you need to talk to someone before you do that. And if you talk with friends you will realise that most girls feel and behave a little weird during PMS and usually  become more emotional, of course as mentioned when you have a mental illness those emotions can be a little stronger during PMS and hormone changes... so others might not get those extreme mood swings or suicidal thoughts but they definitely behave differently than normal due to the hormone changes. So talking to your friends (if you have 'girl'friends can make you feel not as alone) but also talk to your therapist... i know it can be tough, but he/she is there to help you and they cant do their job properly if you are faking being ok, when you actually arent. And you arent being dramatic or "too much" by talking about these things. Even if it is just hormones making you feel that way, maybe your therapist has some advice to give you... but also you might not feel as alone or vulnerable.

The important thing to realise is that if it is due to hormones, then know that it will pass... those emotions and strong feelings will pass. But during times of stress, then your hormones are already a little out of balance and you already feel like things are too much, so then when you have PMS, just dropping a pen can make you want to scream or cry. So stress and having exams wont make things better, but the best thing you can do is to realise that those thoughts and feelings will pass. Try to talk to someone or write, or do something to distract yourself. Take a break, go for a walk or do something and try to not be so much in your own head as that can make things worse. Also find ways to destress, that can make it easier when stress isnt a major factor or affecting you in negative ways.

Know that it will get easier... at first PMS can be awful, but in time you learn to deal with it... you learn to connect the dots and know what to do to feel better. Also know that it is ok to cry, even if it is in school... many people have done it. I mean i have sat on the train and cried because i was so overwhelmed with stress and tiredness and emotions and sure it feels embarrassing when people stare and you cant stop yourself from crying, but so what... sometimes it helps to just cry and release those emotions and then you feel slightly better afterwards. Stay strong and talk to someone!!

My goals in May

It's soon a new month and first the first time in a few months i am going to set myself some goals for this month. I only really have 4 weeks left of my course (as i end the first week in June), and i can live in my apartment until the end of June... so i'll see how that goes. Or well, i have been told that i can live until the middle of August, but it all depends on economy. But i must admit, i am sad about the course ending and having to maybe move home again. I really dont want to. I want to keep being independant, i want to keep living away from home, but most of all i want to know about my autumn plans and where i will be. I can already feel that this will be an anxious summer where all i really do is long for the results from applying to university... pretty much a waiting and longing summer, but hopefully i can fill it with things to do so that  i dont waste two months just waiting for autumn and then realising that summer has gone and its either back to stressful studying, trying to find living, or jobless or maybe having a job... who knows. I have also been asked by my boyfriend to maybe move into his apartment during the summer if i move back home, but i dont know if i am ready for that either.... i guess i just have commitment issues and i am not ready for that. Mostly, i just want my very own apartment before i move in with a partner. I want to own my very own apartment and just live on my own before i commit fully and move in with someone else... so i'll see how all of that sort of plays out.

But onto my goals....

Facial care and hair care. These are always on my top 5 goals for the month, but it only lasts 2 days before i give up.... I am like people who want to lose weight fast, they want results within two days otherwise it isnt worth it. I want my skin to show results within two days and my hair to be soft and glowing and always straight.... that is not the case. And then i give up and realise that i workout so often and just sit and study mostly all day so it doesnt matter if i wear baggy clothes and my hair in a bun. But its not so much about appearance, but that nice hair and skin just makes you glow and feel better! For now i will stick to my "basic products" but eventually invest in some better!

Go for runs, walks or do outside training. I love the gym so much so even in summer i choose to go to the gym, and that is no problem for me. But fresh air is important, and sure i walk to the gym and get some cardio and fresh air that way... but going for walks or runs is therapeutic and whenever i do workouts outside i realise how much i love it.... but its always hard to find that balance of wanting to run, walk, go to the gym and do workouts outside and fit it all into one week when i want to do all 4 things everyday.... But also i get stuck into routine. I do need to change my workout routine, challenge myself and do different things and now is the perfect time to do some outside workouts.... just waiting for the sun so i can start wearing shorts!

Less caffeine, more sleep. My caffeine intake varies alot... somedays its one cup of coffee (i.e around 200mg), otherdays i can be up around 1g of caffeine or more....  No its not healthy or recommended. And i have a high tolerance for caffeine.  But as i feel alot more tired and allow myself to take naps as well as it being brighter i feel less need to drink coffee and more crave actual food for energy. Now when i want coffee (and i know i have already have maybe 1 or 2 cups) then in stead i fry some eggs or eat some raisins (or both!) and drink some green tea and that works for energy as well. And with sleep, well it varies... somedays i go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 5am, othertimes i go to sleep at 1am and wake up at 6am... but it might be good for me to work on trying to go to bed at a similar time as i am now making sure i wake up aroun 5-7am each morning so that is a regular thing and gets my body somewhat in balance!

Apply for jobs. At the moment i am so excited to apply for jobs, at first i thought i would just apply to food stores, but then i realised that i should and could apply to training stores so that is what i am going to do as well. I could try to work at a gym but i dont really feel like it... maybe the gym i workout at, but everyone who works there needs to be a qualified instructor and hold classes or be a PT, and i am neither so i dont have the qualifications to work there. But once i am in Stockholm i am going to print out my CV, write a few different personal letters for the differet stores and then go to the stores and apply for work... and hope that i get a job somewhere!!

A new tattoo. Joke, hahahahah... it feels like now a days people wouldnt even be surprised if i did one. I have no intentions to do a new one any time soon anyway.

Save up money and be economical. This month it is all about choosing the cheapest products and not so much buying "but it was a rough day, i need x, y and z food", haha. I dont buy myself clothes or anything unnecessary, but i am very good at buying myself different food which maybe doesnt fit my budget. So need to stop doing that this month. However i am very economical and know how to budget so i am not so worried, however at the end of May and during June and July the bills i going to start piling high as i have hopsital visits that cost me around €150 as well as having to pay the last month of my rent, new gym card membership, phone bills and if there is anything left that will go to actually being able to do something in summer. So this month i need to save. save. save.

These are just a few of my goals for May, and i am excited for the new month which will hopefully bring sunny weather!!! :)

Do you have any goals for the new month? :)

Doing what makes you happy

I am all about Doing what makes you happy and living a life that makes you happy. In the bigger perspective it is important that your job, relationship, friends and those around you, hobbies and life in general make you happy. If there are toxic people in your life, cut them out, if your job or relationship gives you absaloutly no joy, quit your job and end your relationship.

But then it is also important to be realistic, that everything we do cant always make us happy. I mean, to get the dream job i want means studying for many hours and going to school for years and writing essays that dont exactly make my life "rainbows and unicorns" (i.e happy), and even when i do have a job it might mean some rough days and smaller jobs to eventually reach the main goal of the dream job. You dont exactly go from no job experience to business manager at a huge business, but its a process of working yourself up and that requires some smaller jobs which might not be so fun... but then you know the goal and finish will lead to happiness.

For example, paying bills doesnt exactly make me happy, but then i think... 1) Its pretty great that i actually have money to afford these things and 2) When i have paid my bills i know that i will have my phone network, i'll be able to get all my medication from the pharmacy, be able to go to the gym etc etc So the result will make me happy.

Just like with cleaning the house or doing laundry or having to clean the bathroom... those things dont necessary add so much joy and happiness to my life when doing them, but the result... a clean house and clean clothes, thats worth it and THAT makes me happy.

The examples could go on and on, but it is important to know that some things you "just have to do" even if they arent so much fun. I mean if we only did things that made us happy i dont know how productive society would be. But in the sort of overall life, it is important to know that you what you are doing will lead to happiness or that you atleast get some joy from what you have done or accomplished. For example if i do things which i dont like doing or have to do "Just because", then afterwords i can feel very proud that i did do them despite not wanting to. And that is a reward/hapiness as well. Happiness should be the goal in some form or another.

I am writing this post because in recovery you have to do things that dont make you "happy", but in the end hopefully it will. But you just have to do them. I mean if you were to live by, "do what makes you happy", you would only really do what your eating disorder wants you to do i.e what makes your eating disorder happy and not you. Because sure, you can spend hours exercising each day and eating minimal and say that makes you happy, but all it does is make your eating disorder "happy" and give you less anxiety which makes it easier for 'you', but its not actual happiness for YOU. Bbut if you fight your eating disorder, do all those things that give you anxiety and face your fears, then the result will be happiness for YOU - if you work on actually feeling happy and allowing yourself to be happy.

Sometimes we just have to do things and know that the result will make us happy, but we can always add smaller bits of happiness into our life.... such as being with family and friends, listening to good music, eating good food, cuddling with a pet, writing, exercising, meditation, painting or colouring etc etc those things can add happiness to an otherwise grey day.

Monday, April 25, 2016

How to stay motivated in recovery

Motivation is something that comes and goes, no matter what it is you are working towards. Whether its weight gain, weight loss, working towards an A in a certain topic, or trying to reach a goal.... you have times when you begin swaying from your goal. Wondering exactly why you are working towards that goal.... you might feel tired, find it easier to stay where you are, or to fall back to before rather than keep fighting. Because trying to reach any goal takes tough work. Commitment, patience, hard work and of course motivation.
   Motivation is what i like to call fresh produce. I.e it doesnt always last as long as you want it to. Sometimes you need to force yourself to do things you dont want to do, just because you know you have to do them. Especially when you have a goal to reach.
   For example, if someone is training to run a marathon, they might not feel like going out to run a 10km in the pouring rain. But they know that it will help them reach their goal...

And thats like recovery, you might be fully motivated one day and do everything right. But the next day the anxiety starts creeping in, you begin asking yourself why are you fighting towards recovery when eating causes so much anxiety and you begin skipping a meal. Thats basically one step forward and 2 back. That doesnt bring you closer to your goal. So you need to motivate yourself on those days where you begin questioning yourself why.

A way to keep yourself motivated is to write out your goal.... what is your goal? To be healthy? To have your life back? To be allowed to exercise etc
   And then write out HOW you will reach that goal. It can be good to have a plan, for example...goal is to gain weight: to reach that goal i need to gain 0,5-1kg a week. How will i do that... i will eat ALL my meals. I will rest. I will fight the bad thoughts.
  That can make it easier to know what you need to do when you feel like giving up. Write out those things for your goal and place them where you can see them and remind yourself.
Also putting up notes such as, you are beautiful. You dont need to change. You are perfect just the way you are. etc on mirrors, in journals, on the fridge etc and reminders that you NEED to eat can be a good motivator. A small reminder each time you see them to not give up.

Set up rewards.... this works for some, not for all. But you might want to have a reward when youve gained 5kg, because that isnt easy. And it can be nice to reward yourself... whether its a new dress, a new pair of shoes or even a box of questbars etc :)
    Or maybe when youve faced your fear food or done something that scares you, you get  a reward. Its like with dogs... when you teach them new tricks or do something like cut their claws, you give them treats to teach them the right thing :) Or like children!!

Know WHY you are trying to recover. Put up a list of all the PROS of recovery and all the CONS of being sick.... know that it is worth it to recover.

Have a way to cope with the bad times, with the negative thoughts and the anxiety. Such as writing, listening to music, talking or doing something else.

In recovery, you need to constantly motivate yourself. When you feel yourself giving up then look back at your goals, look at how far you have come. Make a list of what you need to do - such as the ED behaviour need to get rid of.... look at all the pros and good things of recovering. Make lists of what you want to do with your life, things you want to achieve etc
   All those things can help motivate you when you find it tough.

Also having a mantra or some form of motto which you can repeat to yourself when you are sitting at the table and struggling to eat or when you get anxiety or want to exercise or purge or something like that. Then keep repeating thepositive mantra/motto and keep yourself calm.

I hope these tips help you to keep yourself motivated in recovery, because its not easy. But its worth it and thats the most important. Of course there are days when its tough where you do just sort of lie on the floor and want to give up. But the important thing is to not let that day become a week and then become a month. But to stop it right there... to not let yourself slide further down, but to get up and keep fighting!!!

Monday tiredness and sadness, snow in April and cookie dough ice cream

Hello :)

Feels like my first update in a while as most of my posts have been scheduled recently, as well as not having much to write.

Yesterday (Sunday) was a long and tiring day where i was very much affected by the snow and coldness that once again arrived in Sweden. That made me feel tired and generally low on energy, on a positive note though my parents drove me back to  my apartment (a 60-90 minute drive) as they wanted to spend time with me, and they also got to see my "new" apartment (they havent seen the one i had to change and move into). As a thank you i made dinner for my family - bean pasta, quorn pieces and vegetables mixed with a chilli and paprika creme fraiche sauce - and then we played trivial pursuit (and i got lots of nutrition questions which i was surprised that i new the answer to!) before they drove back to Stockholm again. Despite have a mostly grey day yesterday my evening ended in a nice way and i felt content when i fell asleep. Though that didnt last until the morning... because when my alarm went off all i could think of was "no", so ended up sleeping past my alarm, waking up in a rush and getting ready, headed to the gym and worked out, headed to school where i seemed to still be in a sleep daze, then when my first lecture was done and i was almost falling asleep and knew i couldnt manage my last lecture. Instead i headed to the store, went food shopping for the week, got home and then fell asleep for 3 hours. Safe to say i was tired. Still feeling mentally very tired and this morning i was feeling really really sad for some unknown reason, but that has mostly passed now anyway.

This evening however its just me, some cookie dough ice cream and some cookies.... because thats what lifes about... sometimes you eat protein ice cream and regular chocolate filled cookies and other times you eat egg whites and oatmeal or ben and jerrys and carrots XD Its my first time trying this ice cream (Ive tried the applie pie flavour one) and they are super delicious, so far they are only sold in Sweden and only in certain stores but hopefully they expand and sell to more stores and maybe internationally because its delicious, and i am not even a fan of ice cream. I much rather choose chocolate or chocolate covered nuts, or even a fresh salad with salmon than ice cream... but i love to try new foods especially when it comes to things like chocolate, ice cream, cakes so i buy them to try them, hahaha. I also tried a new limited edition Orang Daim flavour, which tasted pretty good... a little too sweet, but i've tried it anyway!

Anyway, that is pretty much all i have to write today. The next few days it is full focus on studying so might not be so much update, especially if i dont have any creativity like right now... but i will try  my best to find something to write about :) 

I hope you have all had a great Monday :)
And remember, you dont ever need to justify eating cookies or eating cookies on a Monday.... or both cookies, ice cream and chocolate on a Monday XD

Sunday, April 24, 2016

There needs to be better treatment for post weight gain recovery from an eating disorder

Something which i think needs to develop is the follow up treatment of an eating disorder. Because its not just gain weight, reach a healthy weight and live a healthy life. That is not how it works, recovery is so much about the mental progress and reaching a healthy mental stage but also about making lifestyle changes. Weight gain is just a small part of recovery and not everyone who has an eating disorder needs to gain weight, but its the thoughts that need to change.

The treatment i went to - Mando in Stockholm they have a 5 year follow up program which i am still going to, but its just one visit each year and i have one visit sometime in autumn and that is either my last visit or second last visit and then i am no longer a patient for them. However that follow up treatment is more for their statistics rather than to actually help, or that is how i feel anyway. I mean sure you fill out some questionnaires and you eat a meal there and you get weighed, but even when i struggled with depression i never felt like i could talk to my case manager there because i just wanted to be free and i didnt want to go back to treatment so its easy to say that you are fine and everything is fine and then after 2 hours you leave there and know that you dont need to go back for another 6 months. However many treatment programs dont even have that follow up treatment so i do think its good, because if someone has lost alot of weight they cant really hide that when they go back and have to get weighed, so it is good that they have the follow up treatment. Though what i wish is that in treatment they talked more about post recovery and going back to school, going back to living life and socializing. Dealing with stress, dealing with life....

Just because you recover doesnt mean that all your problems are gone. Its just like when people try to lose weight and they still hate themselves even after the weightloss or all their problems are there, and that is because you need to work on the actual problem, and that is part of recovery. You need to work on the actual problem but that often needs help as well, such as therapy to realise what the problem is and to get advice about how to fix that problem or overcome that problem.

It is hard to talk about and give advice about life after recovery because it is so different for everyone and whether you are truly mentally recovered or not. But while i was in treatment nobody ever talked to me about how i should eat when i was recovered, whether i needed to decrease my calories, whether i should exercise lots or not exercise at all, nobody talked to me about how to love my body or how to cope with stress, nobody helped me to get back into life... instead it was basically just going from being an inpatient for a year and struggling to even eat an apple on my own to suddenly being back in school and having to eat all my food mostly on my own and still struggling with all my problems such as hating my body, having low self esteem, not able to cope with emotions... all of that was still there and i had to learn to cope with those things on my own. I have grown from that and learnt alot and become stronger, but in a way i wish that i had gotten help with it as well.

I wish someone had talked to me about the fact that finding balance with food is hard, finding balance with exercise is hard, that if you have struggled with restrictive eating it is not uncommon to end up struggling with binge eating.  But no one did help me with that, they focused on giving me a meal plan and making me gain wright and the rest was up to me.... I managed, but it was a struggle.

With my blog though i try my best to help all of YOU to answer some of those questions about after recovery. Because it is scary, it is unknown... you want to know how your metabolism will work, whether you will keep gaining weight, how you should eat, how you should exercise, how to love your body, how to cope with school, how to socialize... so many questions and nobody really gives you the answers, but i try my best to help. Because i know how it feels to be in the dark and scared and you just want someone to give you advice. But then again i guess thats life, nobody really has the answers and we all just have to keep going and do stuff even if we have no idea what the results will be. But it usually turns out ok at the end!!!

But back to the start, i hope that treatment programs begin to develop to offer better treatment, care and help even for those who dont need to gain weight or those who have reached a healthy weight. And also get better at answering questions and giving advice and not just saying "eat this, rest and eventually go back to school or work", because that doesnt help so much.

In general i think treatment needs to improve for eating disorders, i was lucky that i got to go to a specialized treatment for eating disorders and was also put on the priority list, as well as health care being free for those under 18 here in Sweden, so i am very lucky and thankful. Because i know how it is very different in other countries as well as waiting time for eating disorder treatment being long (At mando there was a waiting list of around 6 months, but as i came from treatment from Ireland and everything had been arranged and i was in a critical stage i only had to wait 2 weeks before i was admitted. But one thing which i noted when i have talked to others at Mando is that some waited several months before they recieved treatment - after doing the tests at Mando - and they were also in critical stages, but there just wasnt enough staff for them to recieve help, or there were enough beds for them to be inpatient, and that is scary. Because in just a matter of a few weeks health can deteriorate. ) So in the future i hope that treatment improves and also treatment to help people truly recover and not just let them go because they are a healthy weight!!

^^I know which lifestyle i prefer ;););)

Dinner at TGIF, cherry blossom trees and a delicious chocolate cake

Hello and good morning :) 
It's Sunday morning but im sticking to my morning routine and waking up early anyway, or well i guess my body is getting used to waking up at 5/6am so thats when i wake, and its kind of nice. To just sit and hear the birds outside and have some time to think and think through my day as well as pretty much no one else being awake this time which i love when i am out for a walk or run.

Today i am heading home again and for some strange reason i am excited and ready for next week, not that anything special is happened or anything special planned... but i dont know, i am just ready for the new week! But before i begin thinking too much about the new week, i am going to write about my lovely evening yesterday.

So we did manage to leave the apartment and head into town where we got a table at TGIF after a while of waiting. And as we were both hungry our starters and main courses were eaten in only a matter of minutes, hahah... we pretty much inhaled the food.
For me, i got nachos with salsa and guacamole for a started and then because i wanted to order something else than a salad and something more substantial i ordered chicken with garlic mashed potatoes and vegetables and their own special "sauce". As i was so hungry i ate it all, but it only got about 5/10, and not a meal i would order again. 

I love how my boyfriend just accepts that i take photos now... in the beginning i didnt really dare, and i mean in all honesty, it is kind of rude ( :( ) and unnecessary... but i feel it adds something to my blog? But then again, unnecessary.... but i mean he is used to it and as long as i dont do it 24/7 i feel its fine, hahaha.

Then we took a walk through town and "the old town" where i acted like a tourist before we sat at a cafe. A hot chocolate for him, a coffee for me and the most delicious brownie cake i have eaten in a long time! And after that we headed back to his apartment and watched Zootopia which is such a sweet film. I am all about thrillers and mental thrillers, but i cant deny that films like zootpia really melt my heart, hahaha. I am a disney and pixar movie lover at heart, even if i pretend to be all tough with my mental thriller favourites XD

That was my lovely Saturday evening and this morning i am going out for a run/walk before i begin to make my travel back to my own apartment!

I hope you have all had a lovely weekend!!!