Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

When you are so used to always having things to do and then you have nothing to do and have dont know what to do with yourself

One super long title which basically describes me today.

I always have lots of things to and there is always studying to be done, or something to do. And i just about get the things i want to do done within the hours that I am awake. Today however... i am left with nothing to do and dont know what to do with myself.

By 11am i had been to the gym and was home again and thought.... what am i supposed to do today? I dont want to study for my test today as i will do that on Monday and Tuesday, i dont have any creativity or inspiration to write advice posts or schedule posts for the week to come. I have watched all the available episodes of the series i was watching, i dont have anything to clean... ive already worked out and am too tired to go for a walk or do anything too physical. My family have other plans and my sister is sick and my boyfriend is working. And my friends either have plans with their family or are away this weekend, and i dont have the money or motivation to go browse in shops or be around people.... so instead i've written on my report the past hour, it is still  very much in the beginning stages but atleast the ideas and what i want to write are on paper now and so it is just to sit down and formulate everything in more understanable and formal terms! And now going to read 3 long articles for a seminarium in a weeks time... and once that is done... i'll see what i do. I thought about heading back home and was going to do that after the gym but my family convinced me to stay.... but i might head home this evening anyway, would be nice to sleep in my own bed and be back in my own apartment!

Not so sure what my plans are anyway. But for now going to just the hours pass and see what i do.... it feels so strange to not have anything i have to do.... So very different from my very "always have things to do" schedule. Not sure if i like this freedom or not.


Anyway, i hope you all have a lovely Easter and enjoy your day (how many times have i written this? haha) . Soon it's April and spring and soon summer!!! Things to look forward to :)



9 comments:

  1. Hi Izzy Thank You for Your answer to my previous comment about extreme hunger/refeeding. I know of course. I'm just curious because I feel even more weak than I did while eating less... I'm back on uni soon and if I'll be back to my old routine of eating (less) then all my hard work lately will be screwed up right... I know. I am motivated to keep eating but I'm scared of this feeling! I'm dizzy and weak. I'm scared I won't cope with uni and my daily responsibilities like I used to! I wanted good! And it isn't so easy and so "amazing" like I thought it would. I thought that eating more will make me feel better and stronger.
    I am also curious why is the body like this... After being so malnourished the past times it seems so hard to gain, to restore.... Like my body is in shock and is not using the energy I'm giving it to repair but to... I don't know what? I'm so hot and out of whack after eating and it seems like I look even worse? Is it possible? Why is that this way? Do you know this?
    And now when I'll be back to old then is it likely that after this "shock" my metabolism will be even more messed up and I can loose by "cutting" calories? I don't want this and I'm scared it may happen as I know that during stress period (uni) I can't take care of it so well :(
    Thank you for your time. I hope you'll answer me as soon as possible as I am just so scared I'm a mess :(

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    1. I'm not Izzy but I went through this too. There is a lot of science behind this, so long story short you have to eat many extra calories, be consistent with recovery and you will feel better :)

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    2. anon above has already said the important bit; i'd only add -- i know this is obvious, but do be open with your uni and tell them what you need by way of support from them. nobody wants you to struggle with uni while also struggling with something like this, and people will try to help if you let them. health comes first, and universities know that and want to help you into life, not complicate things further!

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    3. Thank You so much. I know, od course i will take care of myself and my recovery but i am still curious how is it from the science perspective and also from experiences...
      Still waiting for a reply from you Izzy though

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    4. Like the other anonymous' have answered, it is a shock to the body and alot is happening in your body. Even if you eat more you can feel more tired and have even less energy, focus and motivation. But when you were starving yourself you were pushing yourself... forcing yourself to run on empty and it was a habit, but then suddenly you feed your body and it realises that it doesnt have to break down muscle and protein to produce glucose, it realises that it is getting more energy and that you arent in "survival mode" where you have to run on empty (i.e back in old times when they would have to hunt for food, then they might be out running hunting for food on an empty stomach and the body would instead make its own glucose from protein as well as running on adrenaline) and that is most likely what you have done as well. But now when you get more food, the body can feel "safer" like it can relax and it is telling you to relax... that now your body has been stressed and now all you need is to rest and sleep because your "starvation/looking for food" is over. Of course that is in very simple and not so scientific terms... but there is more to it than that. But you arent alone in feeling "worse" when you begin eating more... but that is because it is a shock to your body and the best thing you can do is push past this and know that it WILL get better in time, that you just got to let your body adapt. You will feel more energetic again and the body will feel more balanced but it does take time... think of what your body has been through, now all it wants is to just sleep and have food.
      And balancing uni and recovery, that is not easy. Your health comes first so dont be scared to take a break from Uni or to talk to teachers/family and maybe a doctor and see what they advise.Uni is stressful and recovery is stressful and too much stress can just lead to absaloute choas and wont help either your studying or your health and recovery. So it can be good to realise that your health and recovery has to come first and you can study when you feel better. And there is NO shame in that, it means that you know what is best for you. Many need to take a break from schoool for different reasons and that is ok, it means that you are doing what is best for you.

      Keep eating and trying to increase calories and try to not stress out, and do seek proffessional care if you can and talk to someone! Yyou will get through this and in time things will get better, but as mentioned... sometimes it takes longer than wanted for things to actually get better.

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  2. I know this feeling so well. Ever since I've been on the leave of absence from uni I've felt a bit...lost a lot of the time. Like I'll be drifting about the house looking for something to be busy with, craving a chance to be productive!

    I guess we have to realise that it's okay to just 'do nothing'. I still find it really difficult, though, especially when not having anything to distract me from food thoughts and anxiety. :S

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    1. Exactly, it is good to practise doing nothing and being ok with it... especially if you are someone who is very productive.
      Maybe you can start a new hobby or something that makes you feel like you are doing something during the days? Its tough when you arent allowed to do the things you wanted... i longed to go back to school when i was an inpatient but then once i started school and the work load increased i thought, it wouldnt be so bad to be told that i can just rest and eat for a few weeks, hahah. I guess we always want what we dont have!!
      Hope you have a lovely week :)

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  3. Hi Izzy - it must be catching, Easter Sunday was such a terribly long day for me too, with nothing to do once we`d been out for a walk in the morning and got soaking wet. Everything was closed and the weather was miserable, didn't help that the clocks had changed and that sort of threw me out a bit too. Come the evening I was glad to see the back of the day!
    Like you, I`m lost when I`ve nothing to do and no motivation to make myself do things - I mean if I was thinking creatively there was loads of things I could have done, but the bottom line was I really couldn't be bothered and couldn't wait for the day to be over.
    But its a new day today and will soon be April! Better weather and sunshine!

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    1. Somedays are just like that... when you wait for them to be over. But i guess there is something positive in everyday :) Hopefully today will be a better day!! :)

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