So.... in the past few months my weight has been going up and down alot, and i have seen that both when i have been weighed at the CF clinic and i have weighed myself at the gym at times to see. So my normal and healthy weight was/is around 63-65kg thats where my body naturally kept its weight and where i was healthy body wise as well. But then during my very low times and struggling with alot of stomach issues that weight went down a few kilo, and i did not feel so good in my body... infact i froze, was cold and even if i had "visible" abs due to the fat/weight lost... its not like it mattered, i was mostly wrapped up in clothes due to coldness or lying in a ball due to stomach pain. Having lost weight i knew i had to gain weight. And i did, i was around the 63-64kg mark again. And then since i have moved away from home i havent weighed myself because there is no scale at the gym and when i am weighed at the CF clinic it is with clothes on, food eaten, water drank. Of course when i write this, it makes it seem like i weigh myself often.... that is not the case. Maybe once or twice a month i have weighed myself just to see, and it was only because i knew i had lost weight. When i know my weight is stable then i dont weigh myself as i know my body controls that well.
But during the weekend while at my old gym i decided to weight myself, see what my weight is (as it doesnt trigger me) and then i saw that it was higher than my normal weight. And i figured well its just water and food. And seeing that higher weight... a weight i have never weighed before..... it didnt matter to me. Even if it was just food or water, or if it is actual muscle/fat, it doesnt matter to me.
Because i am happy the way my body looks, and that is the important thing for me - as well as being healthy, not just with what i eat, but that my blood tests can prove thaat i am healthy... and i have a healthy body, mind, social life. So that number on the scale means nothing to me.... whether it had said X or Y, it wouldnt have mattered.... of course it WOULD have mattered if it put me at an underweight or an overweight, then i would rethink whether i needed to make changes.
But after thinking about it, and realizing how much i didnt care (and i havent cared since 2013 or somewhere there) and how i just felt happy in my body, it just felt so relieving in a sense. And it is a nice place to be, to just accept and love your body. To not care what others think about your body, or what their opinions are. To know that you are healthy and that you are happy and accept your body, that you dont feel the need to hurt your body or to change your body. Of course we all have bad days and bad body image days, some less, some more. But if you love your body then you know its not your body that is the problem, but that there is an underlying problem.... but if you already hate then your body, then you will most likely do something to hurt your body and to change it rather than to realise that the problem isnt your body.
How did i get to this place of self love and self acceptance? Well practising self love, not allowing a number to control me and trying to be happy in my body no matter what. And distancing myself from my body.... not making my body my only thing, where peoples comments about my body can hurt me, or my opinion about my body can ruin my day... not allowing those things. Take care and love your body.
But i also do need to add that strength training has really helped me with body confidence and self love, not that it has shaped my body.... though i do love that as well. I love feeling strong and feeling capable of all challenges, but i think its the fact that i am good at something and love doing something. Working out in general, it is not just strength training... but with working out i dont look in the mirror and critisize my body and see the flaws, instead i think... wow, that i can do this. I guess a part of it comes from my past injuries and also my past with anorexia when i was not capable of doing certain things, then when i can do them... i appreciate them even more.
But also i have come to that stage in my life where i want to function and want my body to be healthy... who cares for aesthetics if i cant even function properly. Injuries suck, but at the same time sometimes they are a good reminder that you want your body to be healthy and you can appreciate the small things even more when you realise you can do them again (i.e such as walking, putting on clothes, bending down.... not possible when i had so much hip/lower back pain!)
So... to end this super long post, it is a nice feeling to not care about the scale. Yes i might have gained weight, but so what. It is just a number and i am healthy and happy and that is what matters, not whether the scale says x or y. And i want you all to fight for this type of thinking... to realise that who cares about the number on the scale? What matters is that you can live a life that you enjoy, that you can be happy, that you have energy that you can do what you enjoy whether that is theatre, horse riding, painting, dancing, singing, running, gymnastics, travelling etc A number on the scale should NOT get to decide how you feel about yourself or how your day will go. That number changes all the time... and it should not get to impact your life or control your life. Reach a healthy weight, focus on a healthy mind set and focus on being happy and healthy and being able to live life!
Of course, it is easier said then done... but it isnt impossible. But it means YOU have to face your fears and try to make the change!!!
I much rather have some more fat on my body than to walk around miserable and weak XD