At times - like now, I have so much I want to write and say but can't seem to make a text that is helpful or even readable. There is just to much I want to write and I just wish I could make all of you -my readers and everyone else who suffers from an eating disorder - realise that things csn get better that recovery is worth it. But when you are struggling, it doesn't always matter how many times you are told that you need to eat and rest, or that recovery is worth it and weight gain won't make you ugly.... or you feel is the fear. The fear of eating, the fear of weight gain. All you hear is that voice in your head controlling you. .... not eating becomes automatic and not something you think about, it's more strange to eat than to not eat. Or your binges are completely uncontrollable. ... you know you shouldn't but you can't stop yourself or the acts of compensation you do.... all the times you've said you will stop or the people's advice who have told you to not compensate... all that is gone because you just have so much guilt and anxiety.
But I wish I could make you all realise that you CAN overcome all those behaviours. You can be free but it doesn't come easy. It means change and you wanting to change. Choosing recovery every moment. Even if it means that you fumble in the dark. ... no idea what will happen. Because that is sort of how recovery is.... just because you do X doesn't mean that Y will happen. Of course there are certain guidelines which if you follow will most likely lead to a certain result but it can never be said that something will with 100% certainty happen.
Such as self love.... that will only come if you focus on loving yourself. It's not like you gain weight and then you have lots of self love.... its a gradual process. And with concentration and focus after an eating disorder... most people regain their concentration and focus as the brain and body are nourished and get the energy they need but if your mind is on other things or if all your thoughts are still controlled by an eating disorder then your thoughts will just be on that and not on your task.
I wish I could make you all choose and want recovery. I wish I could help you through the tough times and remind you that the tough times make you stronger. That you can't give up and choosing your eating disorder is not a life to live.
After recovery it doesn't mean that life is like a beautiful dream, but it sure is better than life when suffering from an eating disorder. There is freedom and more joy and hopefully self love and acceptance are something you have worked on!
And when it comes to full recovery i believe it is fully possible if you decide to fully recovery. Some hold onto old sick habits, maybe out of comfort or fear and then tell other that full recovery isn't possible. .. that you will always have ed thoughts. Sure... there are certain things that might never go away and you won't be the same person as you were before your eating disorder and your thoughts will be different. But you can live a normal life with all ed thoughts gone. Being able to eat without thinking about the lowest kcal food or micromanaging every morsel of food or feeling the need to exercise to compensate. You can learn to love exercise and not do it to compensate and to learn to trust your body and love your body. But that is a process.... when I was declared healthy in 2012 I felt healthy, but if I compare then to now... I am much healthier mentally and physically. I've had lows and highs and dips. And during the years I had alot to work on and am still working on such as my low self esteem and how to cope during stressful times, but during the past years ive worked alot on not using food to cope, not controlling food and self love. Learning to not let a number define me and not caring about eating too much, as well as facing all fear foods and not letting food control me. And am now free from all of that. But it takes time and a motivation to want to change and get better. No one else can do it for you... and only you know why you do things. It is easy to smile and act normal around others and then use disordered behaviours on your own... or to smile and tell others that you are going for your 2 hour run because you enjoy it but in actuality you are just running to burn calories to compensate. Of course... it is fully possible to want to run 2 hours because of enjoyment or a goal... and it doesn't have to be due to compensation. But it's only YOU who knows why you do things and to change and get better you have to be honest about that and be willing to change... otherwise those thoughts or actions won't change.
You need to want to recover for yourself and your own life and fight to be fully free. Because if you stop during half recovery then you won't be fully free.
At some point you have to take the advice you are given on board and want to recover for yourself. All I can do is try to motivate but the hard work has to come from YOU. But I more than ever wish that I could make you all want to fight for recovery and never give up and know that it gets better! !!
A long post but I felt I just needed to write this out. And maybe someone can feel a little motivated or inspired.