Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Friday, March 18, 2016

My relationship with food over the years

My relationship with food has changed alot over the years.... has gone from not knowing what a calorie was, to fearing almost all foods, to baking a cake and eating the whole cake to cutting sugar and carbs out completely to following an intermittent fasting plan etc etc

My relationship with food has not always been easy and ive done things wrong but atleast i have learnt from those mistakes.

The one thing about my relationship with food is that it has never really been about the food. It has been underlying problems, whether it is lack of control, low self esteem or lots of stress... it is factors such as those which have caused thenegative relationship with food. As food can be controlled, and during my years when i was stressed and had low body image then thinking that eating less or changing the way i eat would solve those body image problems, when all i really needed to do was find balance and love myself. However, some ways i have eaten have also been to try them out... for future experience so that i can be unbiased talking about certain diet methods or eating styles such as intermittent fasting, paleo, lchf, calorie counting, macro counting etc So they were also a type of experiment for me.

So... where do i begin? And i will try to make this post quite short as otherwise it feels like i could a 10 page essay just about the way i eat and why during my lifetime.

So, when i was a child i had lots of high calorie food. I would get cream in my bottle of baby formula to drink and was given high calorie supplement drinks. I was a very chubby baby but then as i grew up and got older that weight disappeared and i was tall and skinny and was always told to eat more. By my doctors, my dad, my sister, other family members. The one person who never really told me to eat more was my mum... but that was because of instead of telling me to eat more, she made me delicious food so of course i would eat it.
My mum ate very healthy and she would make lentil soup, vegetable soups and different vegetable dishes and use tofu in meals and that was what we ate as well. I ate what was served so to say and then at my dads place it would be things such as meat, sandwiches, lots of potatoes. So there was a slight contrast there!!

I have always been a picky eater and had some weird food habits... such as if i got bread with butter and the butter was too thick or uneven on the bread i would panic.... i actually cried one time because there was too much butter (and i was not sick at this time, i just had some weird food habit that the butter had to be very thinly spread). And i would always eat biscuits in a very weird way and my food couldnt be mixed on my plate and if anyone ever mentioned anything unappetizing during a meal i would leave the table and not eat for the rest of the night because i felt so sick just of the thought of what they had said. And these were all things i did before ever having an eating disorder.

When i was 11/12 i got a comment regarding my lunch which triggered me alot and made me more focused on my food and what i ate, and then when i was 12/13 and began secondary school and i felt very self conscious i stopped eating my lunch in school. And that lead to me not eating breakfast either and eventually only ate when i ate dinner with my family which wasnt everyday. And sometime along the 2 years from when i stopped eating lunch in school to being diagnosed with anorexia i began purging, counting calories, and "binging" but the binge was not a binge... it was eating two pieces of toast or a handful of cereal.... but to me that was a binge. As well as exercising obsessively.

Then i was diagnosed and spent 1,5 years in different treatment programs where i had to eat according to meal plans.  Eventually i was mostly free from treatment and only went every few weeks for a check up, and at that time i still had to gain weight and follow my meal plan... but decided to eat intuitvly.... which lead to restricting (unknowingly... but i was so scared of eating too much so ate little each time to make sure i didnt eat too much) which then lead to binging due to hunger which lead to purging, and then restricting the next day to compensate. And so the cycle continued. And during this period i ate alot of sugar and i could bake food and eat it all at once as i couldnt eat just a little... if i ate one cookie, it triggered something and i would eat all 12 and then compensate in different ways. Eventually after a few months and with an ultimatum of "if i dont gain weight i'll go back to inpatients" i decided to go back to my meal plan and follow that. Though at this point i was very sugar addicted as well as diet soda addicted (i think those two went hand in hand) and i then decided to cut sugar out my diet completely as well as diet soda.... but i got a little too strict and almost a little scared to eat things with sugar again as i thought i would be back to the sugar cravings. But after a while i realised it was ok with balanced eating and being able to eat all things.

However then as the stress grew from high school and low self esteem, stress and other things i decided to try calorie and macro counting.... which didnt last long and eventually i moved onto intermittent fasting to try to control my eating. As i had no structure with my eating and i had lost my hunger and fullness feelings due to stress. So it was a way of structuring things up... however intermittent fasting did not work for my lifestyle and i wasnt able to eat the right amount i needed. After that it was more balanced eating, focusing on trying to eat healthy and there was alot of raw food and lots of quark and protein everything (XD) and i tried LCHF for 2 days i think but realised it didnt work for me, hahaha. And eventually more balanced eating, trying foods i hadnt eaten for a long time due to fear and forgetting that those foods existed. Being more intune with hunger and fullness, learning more about nutrition my body and health.

My eating now... well it is sort of special due to intolerances and digestive issues and a sensitive stomach, so the way i eat now works for me. The only time i had stomach pain is when i eat at other places such as when i went for brunch or yesterday when i ate tacos with my family... but i eat different foods when i am away from home anyway, because i do enjoy the food and know that the stomach pain will fade and i amnt actually doing harm to my body by eating the food, there is just pain and discomfort. But the way i am eating on a daily basis works! But who knows, maybe in two years time when i have learnt more i will look back on this time period and think "wow, i had no idea what i was doing".... hahah, but hopefully i will learn, all i can do right now is learn from past mistakes and do what i think is best for me and my health right now!!

Anyway, i think it is interesting to look back and see how my food habits have changed so much.... gotten rid of "all or nothing thinking", of fear foods, of a sugar addiction. Gotten rid of my fear that carbs are bad, or that fats are bad. Gotten rid of my fear that food is bad!!! The important thing though is that i have drawn the connection that food controlling for me has been due to different factors and not the actual food, and as i am aware of this, i dont resort to food to control with life or my emotions as that will just lead me down a dark path! There are better ways to cope with life, stress, emotions than to control your food.

Different ways of eating work for different people but i think i have found my way... or my way of eating at this point in my life anyway!!!


  1. Do you think your food issues now are linked to your depression and the stressful time you have gone through - moving from home, starting university etc?
    Stress and anxiety causes havoc in what was once a normal digestive system.

  2. how do you season your food, especially salads? i struggle a lot with that :(

  3. I think it's awesome that you've found a way that works for you! I know you've had to struggle through forced meal plans and other people monitoring what you eat, so it must be really liberating to be able to take full responsibility for it!

    I eat what I like and don't have a set meal plan, but still feel I've got to sort of 'prove myself' to my parents by eating stuff I don't necessarily want, like junk food or fatty meat. They don't force me to but I know it makes them happy. I look forward to being able to eat what I like without anyone worrying about me.

    And those Myprotein white chocolate almond cookies...phwoooooooaaar they're good!
    Dan x

  4. Hi, i don t exactly have an ED but i pay lot of attention to what i eat. I don t actually crave sweets or fatty and junk food so i thought i had "recovered" from these provlems but i have realized that unplanned meals and meals cooked by other tend to scare me as i fear weight gain .Do you think that it is normal and common in normal people or i shupld try to get over it? The fact is that i feel really bad whenever i eat something unhealthy especially sugary and fatty things