Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, March 26, 2016

I wish I could click my fingers and make eating disorders go away

Somehow i wish that i could just help all the girls and guys who suffer from ED's....  but it really isnt that easy.
   I can sit here and tell people that you have to stay strong, that recovering is hard, but it is worth it. And it really is... i am not lying about that. But really, what do my words do? Not much.
  Unless you yourself decide you want to get better...?

But what i hate most is society... society telling us that we are never alright. There is always something wrong with us. We're either too fat or too skinny. Ugly. Unperfect. Not smart enough. We're either too lazy, or obsessively active. We are never ok.... according to society, that is.
  But we need to realise that why are we trying to please society, trying to please others? We should just love ourselves, accept ourselves. Its our bodies, its our minds. We should do think things, which makes ourselves happy, which makes us feel good.

One thing which makes me very angry is thinspo.... and pro-ana /pro-mia. I have recently reported a few pro ana blogs.... i get very angry over it. I wish they were illegal.

Anorexia and ED's are a huge problem. 
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems
And the fact is, girls and boys as young as 8 - 10 have already started dieting, or are diagnosed with anorexia...?
   It makes me so sad to know this. To know that kids, children, that is what they are, have an eating disorder. A mental disorder that kills if left untreated.
   When you have an ED, you are missing out on life, and when you are sick you dont really care about that.... but when you recover, if you ever do... its then you regret all the bad choices you made when you were sick. ALl the years you wasted.
  All the parties and nights out. The trips with your friends. The sleep overs & or movie nights... or just fun things in general which you didnt go to, or werent allowed to go to.... you're missing out on life and memories.
If someone hasnt had an ED, it is impossible to understand what you go through. The anxiety, the panic... and the fear of food and gaining weight. It is true and utter fear of gaining weight. And it is hard to explain it.
  I have one clear memory, which i dont think i will ever forget, and it doesnt help that it is written down in my journals from when i was in hospital (which i have).
  I was in Ireland, after spending 2 months in a kids psych ward, and i was then in the kids paediatric ward with tube feeding, and i remmeber my therapist came in to talk to me and she started asking me why i didnt want to eat, what was so wrong with eating, and my reply was, i would rather die than eat. I would rather die than gain weight,
  I was 14 years old....  and to think, i started starving myself when i was 12 years old. And was depressed and self harming when i was 13 years old.... and there are so many other 13 years old, and younger who are starving themselves, in search for perfection or the perfect body...
   But the fact is, you dont get the perfect body from starving yourself. You get a tired weak body. You end up with anxiety and fear. You are ruining your life. You think you will be happy, you think you will go around and flaunt your body... but you wont. You will become obsessed. An unhealthy obsession with calories, weight, food, exercise....

I wish i could go back in time and tell the 12 year old me, to not start skipping lunch. To not start cutting out dinner. To just keep eating.... :/ But i guess what ive been through has made me who i am now.
  And i dont think i would change my past, even if i got the chance.
  One of my favourite quotes is,Everything happens for a reason. And ive started telling myself this, almost all the time. If something happens, i remind myself that things happen for a reason. I might not like it at first,b ut it has a meaning.... maybe i wasnt supposed to catch that train. Maybe i wasnt supposed to go to that party etc etc...

This post has just become a tumble of anger and words, frustration..... it feels like i have a million things to write, so everything becomes tumbled and one big mess....
   I just wish that i could magically snap my fingers, or wave a magic wand and everyone would be healthy... free frmo their ED... i just wish i could cure all mental disorders.....
  No one should have to suffer.... Recovering from anything is hard, whether its drug abuse, or an alcoholic, or recovering from an ED... they are all hard, and it takes time and can involve relapses... but you cant give up. That is the most important.

I wish i could get rid of all thinspo..... i get so angry about it. I know that whoever makes these thinspo/pro-ana pages is sick, and is so deep into their illness, that they dont see the 'negative with it' theyj ust want to lose weight, and be so skinny....?
But i mean, young girls and guys see these sites/pictures and think that they have to be size 0 (even smaller?) to be perfect? And that is not true. We are all beautiful the way we are.
  But it doesnt help that society and media keeps telling us, ways to diet. Way to lose 5kg. Dont eat carbs. Dont eat fat. etc etc.
  I mean, anyone goes a little crazy seeing/reading that everyday. And many buy into that.... thinking that losing weight will bring them joy. (Of course, if you are overweight, then losing weight can make life easier... but doesnt necessarily mean instant joy... but that is for another post!)

I dont even know what to write now... or i have loads to write. But im so tire,d that i cant seem to form the sentences, or get the words out of my head... so im just gonna have to end the post here.... really, i dont even know what it is ive written.
  I jsut feel angry and frustrated about thinspo, and wish that i could get rid of all the suffering in the world. :/


  1. I totally agree with you about the pro-ana, I have stumbled upon it a few times whilst searching for something else, and glanced briefly through a bit of it in sheer horror, couldn't believe that something like that existed, never mind be allowed to be published online. It should be banned. There needs to be more of an education about ED`s, more of an awareness that it isn't simply a case of not eating, that the problem goes far, far deeper than that. Maybe it should be covered in schools so that young people are armed with the stark facts of an ED rather than the idea of a perfect body. I`m sure if such knowledge was more widely available it would save so many being drawn into the world of an ED. I for one wish I knew then what I know now, maybe then I would have had the sense not to take my dieting to extreme like I did and get caught up in the web of anorexia.
    The facts you stated about anorexia make harsh reading, but the truth needs to be told, and more widely than it is being done so at the moment. There needs to be more, accessible help available too, not enough is being done.
    I can understand why all this makes you frustrated, I feel it too. But know that you are doing something amazing through your blog and that you are helping many people, some, like myself, who haven't been able to receive proper professional help and are trying desperately to go it alone. You have made the difference between life and just existing, given hope where before there was none - and for all that you should be so proud of yourself. Thankyou.