Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thursday, March 10, 2016
I say that i'm not stressed, but my body tells me otherwise
Recently i havent felt stressed, not in the same way that i have felt stressed before. In the past when i have been stressed due to school work i have sat with anxiety through a 1 hour lesson where we did nothing and just thought about, how much time i was wasting. How i could have spent that 1 hour doing something productive. My time had to be used as effectively as possible, and i felt how the stress caused a sort of bubble to sit in my throat, a constant anxiety and pressure on my shoulders.
I havent felt that way now... but in a way i have known that the stress inside of me has been rising. The deadlines and work creeping up, the amount of things to do and things to learn piling up, and that always makes me stressed. How do i manage? is all i think. And of course the perfectionist inside of me wants me to get top grades, but my low self esteem reminds me of how i will most likely fail, i am not smart enough to pass and that i should just give up because i wont succeed anyway, but at the same time i still try to strive for top grades. A constant battle.
This morning the symptoms of stress hit me hard. I am back to my sleeping problems where even if i feel tired in the evenings, as soon as i turn off the lights and try to sleep, it is like a party inside of my head and i am awake for another 3-4 hours and by the time i fall asleep it is far later than i would have wanted. Which then leads to either 1) sleeping past my alarm or 2) waking super early and barely getting any hours of sleep, but not being able to go back to sleep again.
Then there is also the heavy body, where each step feels like i am carrying 100kg, and the training pain from exercise hits me hard... when usually i dont get training pain if i dont do something very different during my workouts. But i know that when i am stressed, there is already so much going on in my body, so then i get DOMS even after a normal workout. And then there is also the lower immune system, and more susceptible to viruses and bacteria. And not to mention feeling constantly cold, tired (to the point of almost falling asleep during a lecture or while sitting and studying, but not able to sleep at night anyway) and either not hungry at all or wanting to eat everything.
All those things... from stress. Not to mention that i bite my finger nails and my knuckles when i am stressed, and i dont even think about it. It is an unconscious, bad habit.
One of the worst things for my stress is seeing the assignment list and all the "to do's" in school. Because even if an assignment is in 6 weeks time,i cant stop thinking about it. I just want to prepare for it and get it over with... and during those 6 weeks the stress gets worse, because of thinking rationally like.... I dont need to worry about the project now, or thinking... i can work alittle everyday on the assignment, instead i think. I want it over now so i can check it off my list... but that isnt possible so then the anxiety and stress builds up.
Stress is the absolute worst for the body and the mind. For me personally, it messes so much up. Not sleeping = tired = less concentration and focus. Easier to think negative. Lose my appetite and dont eat enough = more tired = less concentration. Or eating lots of getting a super food baby!!
And also, super bloated and stomach pain from the stress and all the weird hormones as well as water retention and either weight loss or weight gain from prolonged stress.
But i am acknowledging that this is how i feel. I have realised that if i dont try to relax and de stress, then it will build up, get worse and i will end up falling down to where i was last autumn, and that is not a place i want to be again.
So for now, i need to get rest time in. And that is what i am doing this evening. I was in school from 9-4.30pm today and now i have just gotten home (5pm) and i am going to make myself a big cup of tea, a big dinner and wrap myself in my heating blanket, and after only 4 hours sleep last night, try to go to bed early and hope to sleep!
And i also need to remind myself that not every hour can be spent studying. I mean it is better to do 2 hours of complete productivity than to do 4 hours where i barely concentrate and feel unfocused due to other factors. I guess i just need to balance with my studying.... ive found balance with food and exercise, next step is studying, hahah!!
The important thing anyway is that i have realised that this is how i feel and that i can take steps to try to make a difference - hopefully - before it gets worse.
And this is a reminder to you all, if you also feel stressed. Try to change that and find a way to destress!!! It wont do you any good to "hit the wall" (or whatever the term is).