Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Doing what needs to be done

The strange thing with mental illness is that you know what is the right thing to do... for example when i was sick with my eating disorder... i knew i should eat, but i didnt. I knew while i was purging that it wasnt good and would have consequences. People with mental illnesses aren't stupid, they often know what is good or bad or what they should do or shouldnt... but that doesnt always make a difference. Even if you know you should do something you don't always do it... even normal and healthy people can struggle with it. But when it comes to mental illnesses the behaviours are more negative rather than a person who knows they should take their dog for a walk but doesnt do it until 2 hours later... rather than someone who struggles with an eating disorder and knows they should eat but doesnt anyway, or someone who knows they should eat just one cookie but eats all 12 instead.

For me today... i knew i should do something. I knew i should shower, i knew i should walk to the store to buy food, i knew i should study.... but i couldnt get myself to do it. It all felt too much, overwhelming and i really didnt want to do it. Sometimes just taking a shower or washing my hair is just too much... so i just dont do it. However i know its unhygenic and i know i will feel better once it is done, but its that first step of actually doing it which can be the toughest.

But by 5pm and i had gotten absaloutly nothing done... my test is tomorrow and i hadnt studied at all. My hair needed to be washed, my face needed to be cleaned, and the laundry needed to be done as well as food needed to be bought. So i said to myself, "i have to get this done. Just do these simple adult tasks, tasks which are so easy somedays, but today is a struggle. But that is ok... i just need to get them done." So first... walk to the store to buy food (and i decided to buy a vegan product called Oumph! which i have wanted to try for a while but is super expensive and havent been able to fit it into my budget, but i decided to buy 2 packets today and as i write this post i am eating dinner and part of it is the thyme and garlic Oumph, and they taste soo good. Seriously, now that this is available and can even be found in certain restaurants i have absaloutly no craving for meat at all... not that i eat much chicken anyway, but the Oumph is such a great replacement and tastes super good! So despite it being expensive, i am going to make it a part of my weekly diet anyway! Rather spend money on vegetarian and vegan products than meat - but thats just my own personal choice at this point in my life!)

Picture source

Then once the shopping was done it was time for a shower and washed my hair and afterwards i got inspired to do a home workout as i wanted to workout but i just didnt want to go to the gym... and that was a super good idea and added positivity to my evening! And now i am going to do my best to do some last minute studying and tomorrow is my test... and i think my mum is coming to visit and we are going to eat lunch. I think she knows i am not feeling so great and i guess she is a little worried about me living away from home and on my own at times. So that will be nice... be able to treat myself after my test!! At the moment i am feeling ok for the test... nervous, but ok... and i feel like even if i do fail (hopefully not) then it wont be such a big deal to redo the test... compared to the previous two tests which were alot more complicated than what we are doing now and would have been a burden to try to study all of that while studying all the current things as well.

Anyway.... with this post i wanted to write.... sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things. And that its ok to struggle... with mental illness life isnt always easy. Sometimes the simple tasks which are so easy at times can be such a struggle the next day. But you have to get through the day anyway... somedays all you need is to refuse to do anything and just lie in bed, sometimes that is what is needed and necessary. Otherdays you just need to get things done and try to defy that voice in your head and that tiredness and unmotivatedness for life and know that it will get better, but you also have to make it better. Today, i am proud of the small things... the small things i accomplished to do despite my unwillingness.... somedays i am proud of the fact that i studied 4 hours, otherdays i am proud that i even manage to open my study books. Some days i am proud that i have been very productive all day, and other days i am proud over the fact that i even managed to take a shower.... thats life at the moment. But i am taking each day as it comes and making the best of each day, and i think thats what we should all do. Have goals and dreams and things to look forward to, but also to live each day and make the best of each day even if there are struggles and tough times. We have one life to live and got to make the best of it!! :)

I am hoping you have all had a great day and can make the best of the day :)


  1. I love this post. Thank you so much.
    Well done for what you did do today, and good luck tomorrow! And, I do hope you sleep well tonight.

  2. Well done on getting through today. I needed to read this. It's feels like whenever I'm feeling s certain way, you write a perfectly timed post on dealing with those feelings. This is one of those times. Ive been looking at universities with my mom in the U.K. and now she's gone home (about 12 hours flight away). I'm still here in London on my own for a week to sight see and have a breather before coming home. And I'm scared about the future. Im going to a great university- Edinburgh- but it's so cold, expensive and far away from home. I'm from South Africa so I'm not used to this cold. And the whole concept of being away from home for four years is petrifying! Even if I come home for Christmas, it's daunting. And today, I just wanted to come home and refuse to study abroad (even though this is what I wanted and worked so hard for). But I know that if I feel things are too comfortable and I'm not scared, then my life is going to stay the same. I need to push myself more to eat a variety of foods (because I might end up being in catered residence as opposed to self catered because catered is where you meet more people). But I think that if I look back and remember that two years ago, I had just come out of being in a clinic for my ED for two months, I know I'm capable of a lot. I think we tend to under estimate ourselves.

    1. dear Teegan, Edinburgh is lovely! It really is a great university and a great university city. And the catered accommodation is also super. I've been to the canteen there a couple of times and there is lots of choice, and I thought it tasted good too! You won't be the only person coming from sunnier climes (but you are right, it does get cold, wet, and windy there, and people have to learn to love that). It is a beautiful city; you are lucky to go there!

  3. Dear anonymous above. Thank you!! The Scotts were all super friendly and welcoming. I'm glad to hear that about the food. Do you think it would be better to do catered?

    1. :-) that is great! i don't know enough about your situation to have a view about what's best for you, but when I went to the canteen (I trust we're talking about Pollock Halls?) there was a lot of variety, and it was the kind of food i like. It was help-yourself, and you could go back for as many extra helpings as you liked. The whole thing seemed laid-back, welcoming, anonymous, free, and designed to enable people to get the nutrition they need, in the way that suits them best. Canteens can be a good place to meet people, and a good place to get used to eating properly and sensibly in company, though I guess it can work the other way for some people too. It's a few years since I was there; I *imagine* it's still much the same, but I'm sure there are people you could ask -- anyone involved in pastoral care (eg the wardens at the residences) will be used to the idea that it can be hard for some people. It is in a beautiful location too! I'm glad you had a warm reception from the Scots.

  4. I had anorexia and now I'm more what you would consider somewhat orthorexic. I'm not super paranoid eg I'll eat full fat yoghurts or milk and I'm not vegan or anything but I'm very pro healthy food. My mom also studied nutrition and my sister is super sporty so healthy food has played a big part in my life, but I definitely took it too far in the past. But the set up sounds good! I love buffet type meals where I can take a random variety of foods. Thank you again for being so sweet and helpful!

  5. Hi Izzy - well done for managing to get those things done today even though you were feeling awful. I s there any chance you can talk to your mum about your struggles to get through the day and the feelings you have been getting? I don`t mean to keep on about this but I have been there and know how awful it is, but it seems to me that you really should consider seeking outside help before your depression deepens to the point where you won`t have a say in it anymore. Help is out there if you seek it, you don`t have to go through this alone. Your post is full of warning signs to me and it worries me that you are going to try to struggle through it all alone. Please seek help, or at least talk to your mum. (())

  6. Completely relate to this. I often find it is the small, every day tasks that feel the most daunting - rather than the bigger "life goals." Sometimes just the thought of heading out the door to get somewhere feels overwhelming and too much. But you just have to continue kicking your butt of the chair and doing those things you just have to do. And know that it will probably feel okay once you do. Really tough though, for sure.