For me today... i knew i should do something. I knew i should shower, i knew i should walk to the store to buy food, i knew i should study.... but i couldnt get myself to do it. It all felt too much, overwhelming and i really didnt want to do it. Sometimes just taking a shower or washing my hair is just too much... so i just dont do it. However i know its unhygenic and i know i will feel better once it is done, but its that first step of actually doing it which can be the toughest.
But by 5pm and i had gotten absaloutly nothing done... my test is tomorrow and i hadnt studied at all. My hair needed to be washed, my face needed to be cleaned, and the laundry needed to be done as well as food needed to be bought. So i said to myself, "i have to get this done. Just do these simple adult tasks, tasks which are so easy somedays, but today is a struggle. But that is ok... i just need to get them done." So first... walk to the store to buy food (and i decided to buy a vegan product called Oumph! which i have wanted to try for a while but is super expensive and havent been able to fit it into my budget, but i decided to buy 2 packets today and as i write this post i am eating dinner and part of it is the thyme and garlic Oumph, and they taste soo good. Seriously, now that this is available and can even be found in certain restaurants i have absaloutly no craving for meat at all... not that i eat much chicken anyway, but the Oumph is such a great replacement and tastes super good! So despite it being expensive, i am going to make it a part of my weekly diet anyway! Rather spend money on vegetarian and vegan products than meat - but thats just my own personal choice at this point in my life!)
Then once the shopping was done it was time for a shower and washed my hair and afterwards i got inspired to do a home workout as i wanted to workout but i just didnt want to go to the gym... and that was a super good idea and added positivity to my evening! And now i am going to do my best to do some last minute studying and tomorrow is my test... and i think my mum is coming to visit and we are going to eat lunch. I think she knows i am not feeling so great and i guess she is a little worried about me living away from home and on my own at times. So that will be nice... be able to treat myself after my test!! At the moment i am feeling ok for the test... nervous, but ok... and i feel like even if i do fail (hopefully not) then it wont be such a big deal to redo the test... compared to the previous two tests which were alot more complicated than what we are doing now and would have been a burden to try to study all of that while studying all the current things as well.
Anyway.... with this post i wanted to write.... sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things. And that its ok to struggle... with mental illness life isnt always easy. Sometimes the simple tasks which are so easy at times can be such a struggle the next day. But you have to get through the day anyway... somedays all you need is to refuse to do anything and just lie in bed, sometimes that is what is needed and necessary. Otherdays you just need to get things done and try to defy that voice in your head and that tiredness and unmotivatedness for life and know that it will get better, but you also have to make it better. Today, i am proud of the small things... the small things i accomplished to do despite my unwillingness.... somedays i am proud of the fact that i studied 4 hours, otherdays i am proud that i even manage to open my study books. Some days i am proud that i have been very productive all day, and other days i am proud over the fact that i even managed to take a shower.... thats life at the moment. But i am taking each day as it comes and making the best of each day, and i think thats what we should all do. Have goals and dreams and things to look forward to, but also to live each day and make the best of each day even if there are struggles and tough times. We have one life to live and got to make the best of it!! :)
I am hoping you have all had a great day and can make the best of the day :)