Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Dealing with your body changing in recovery

What happens when you have accepted, or begun to be ok with the fact that the number on the scale will change, but then left with the fact that your body will change.
  Often its not so much the actual number changing, even if you can be very number obsessed and wanted the lowest number shown on the scale. But it is also the fear of your body changing... how will your body look after gaining weight, after reaching a healthy weight. And even more fear if you struggled with body image or your weight before your eating disorder, then there is added fear that you will end up looking the way you did before your eating disorder. But also when you have a distorted body image you think that gaining 500g is noticable and you begin to see your body grow and expand despite barely gaining any weight, so then you think... if i look this big when i weigh this amount, how could i possibly not look like an elephant when i have gained X kilo more.
 But you have to realise that your perception of yourself and your body image is not a healthy one and you dont see yourself as others do. While i was at my lowest weight i felt huge... there were random times i would see just how underweight i was, but most of the time i would think i was a normal weight and had no idea why people were telling me i needed to gain weight and to even understand or accept the fact that my "normal" (Or what i thought looked normal) body had to gain 20kg was unfathomable.... I thought i looked huge already, how would i look after gaining just 5kg. But i can tell you, that as strange as it may sound... i actually felt skinnier the more weight i gained. Not in the beginnning... in the beginning i felt constantly bloated and like a hue ball with sticks for arms and sausages as legs (or thats what i wrote in my diary from 2010 anyway). The first few kilo didnt make me feel vibrant, healthy or energetic. And the last 5 kilo to gain during my relapse were tough as then i felt like i had a normal and healthy body, but when i look back at photos from then i see that my body didnt look so healthy and i definitely wasnt healthy mentally or physically at that time either... no matter how much i tried telling others and myself.

But onto weight gain and how to cope. The first thing to realise is that a few kilo weight gain 2-5kg, really isnt noticable... of course it all depends on what stage you are in. But i can tell you that the last few kilo anyway, those that people often struggle most with, those arent noticable. At some point when you get closer to your goal weight your body has already redistributed the weight and your body looks the way it will look naturally.... so those last few kilo wont impact your body so much. For example i always had skinny arms and those last 5kg i had to gain, they didnt exactly make my arms bigger..... but those last 5kilo i had to gain, they didnt make me bigger either. The difference was barely noticable, the difference was the energy and self acceptance and maybe just a little bit more booty!

Also remember, bloat is NOT WEIGHT gain or fat. Bloating is water retention and your abdomen expanding... it will go away.

Also... weight gain does NOT equal 100% fat gain. I.e if you gain 10kg, it is not 10kg of fat where 5 kilo sits on your stomach. That is not how weight gain works. You will gain strength, energy will go to your muscles and organs and bones. You will gain water weight and of course some will go to fat, but it is not all pure fat and that is important to remember. You wont go from a certain size to being just a blob/ball of fat. The weight redistributes and will go to where it is genetically stored based on your own genetics and DNA.

At times it can feel like you wake up one day and feel 5kg heavier and bigger, and that is because you dont always notice the difference in your body as they are so small... so sometimes it is like you wake up and realise your body has changed, even if it hasnt from one day to another... its just that those small changes arent noticable. And the thing to not do then is to panic and not eat, that wont help. You need to keep eating, allow your body to change, because the changes arent negative ones. Those changes in your body are neceessary for energy, happiness and health. If your body is underweight or you are using unhealthy methods to maintain your body weight/image, then you need to realise that your body will change when you change those habits. And that your body will try to settle at its HEALTHY weight, not just where you have decided it should be or how it should look.

A tip is to get rid of old clothes.... get rid of the clothes you know will be too small.Why have them in your closet? There is no point.... Of course during weight gain you can be in a tricky place of the old clothes are too small and you dont really know how you will look at your goal weight so you dont know what type of clothes will suit you best. So instead buy loose fitting clothes. I wore alot of dresses with tights or long tops and skirts because then i could wear them at my goal weight as well.. but also i bougt alot of cheap clothes during that time period. However.... your body doesnt change drastically... the only difference was in jeans really... but most of my clothes while i was sick were already too big so many of the clothes i owned i could fit into fine once i was my goal weight.

Dont spend too much time infront of the mirror or looking down at your body or doing measurements or different things like that. Get rid of the old and instead embrace the new. Realise that your body changing is a good thing, your body is getting healthier and stronger... but also that your goal weight and how you look then, doesnt have to be how you look forever. Your body is constantly changing, and your body can change again. For example when i began to strength train my body has changed alot.... but the way you eat and how you live your life can change your body and weight as well, so realise that the changes your body make now dont have to be permanent. HOWEVER you should always strive after a healthy body and healthy lifestyle, not just gain weight... reach ahealthy weight and then decide to lose 10kg again, that wouldnt be healthy unless you medically need to lose 10kg for health reasons.

Allow your body to change and be ok with it. Focus on the new and healthier you. Get rid of old pictures and old clothes, realise that your body WILL have fat and that is ok. Fat on your body is necessary and there is nothing wrong with stretch marks, cellulite or fat rolls... society tells us that those things are "ugly" but they ARENT. But it is up to you, what you choose to believe. But if you decide to love yourself and accept your healthy body and the weight gain it will be much easier.

Because it is your body and if you dont accept the changes you will be stuck in a body that you hate and it wont make life easy. This is your body and even if you are being forced to gain weight, know that those people who are forcing you to gain weight are doing it for YOU. And that you can spend all your life going up and down in weight, but it wont make you happy or your body healthy. So at some point you have to realise that your body has a healthy set point and a healthy body size and weight and you need to be ok with that and stop fighting your body.

Also... dont compare yourself to others. Dont look at accounts that trigger you or follow accounts where there is lots of body images which negatively affect you. GET RID OF THOSE. Also, remember people use photoshop and change their images... so not every image you see is realistic. So dont compare yourself to them.

BUt most of all, learn to love yourself.

Seeing your body change ISNT easy, but its about learning to be ok with it. Seeing the changes as positive and knowing that you arent ugly, that you are infact beautiful no matter your size or weight and feeling beautiful and confident. It is a process and getting rid of distorted body image, but i can promise you that learning to fight those thoughts and learning to see yourself as beautiful and accepting the body changes will make the whole process easier!!!

1 comment:

  1. I`m managing to get through this by wearing looser clothes - its jogging bottoms when I`m at home, far more comfortable. So far things are going ok, although the weight I`ve gained still isn't even but I guess that will sort its self out in time, I hope so.
    The best thing so far is being able to sit in the bath without it hurting and leaving bruises and I need to wear a bra again - so those are good things!
    I wouldn't say I`m totally at ease with my body yet, but I`m getting there. Thankyou for your post, its a reminder of how to look at things and view the changes positively - and they are there if I dig deep enough.