Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, March 31, 2016

Long post about my day - moving, school work, monitoring activity and counting calories

Hello!

I didnt actually think i would update today as i have felt so tired and havent had much to write, but i dont know if i will get time to write tomorrow either as i will be moving apartment and the moving company will be here at 8am tomorrow and will most probably be done around 4pm, so basically the whole day. Luckily i have no lectures tomorrow anyway so i wouldnt be missing anything, though i do want to try to get some of my own stuff done once everything is moved to the new apartment, then i might go to the gym or go to the library or take a walk or something... i'll see.



I havent actually had time to think about the fact that i am moving tomorrow... a part of me really doesnt want to, and for today i had a few brief moments thinking about, how would it be if i moved home again. Would i be able to cope with the travelling back and forth... but i quickly realised that 1) I dont want to move home again and definitely dont want those 3 hours of commuting and 2) I have a contract until June anyway, so whether i live here or at home i would still need to pay the rent. And 3) I actually love living here and being independant... it's going to be tough when i have to move home again, but also cheaper... hahaha. Though i have no idea where i will be or what i will be doing for autumn, it actually terrifies me a little... i want to move to Gothenburg as the courses or program i want to study is there, but at the same time i have only been there once in my life and i liked it. But i dont know anyone from there and its not 90 minutes commute back home, its a 4+ hour train ride.... so it would be very different, so that terrifies me, but it is also something i want. HOWEVER... i am going to try not think about that now, and instead just focus on what is going on in my life right now..... which is school and lots of school work. I was in school from 8-14 and was running on some sort of energy, not caffeine or food anyway... and in class all i could think about was the food i wanted to eat when i got home as i felt so hungry (Note. Always eat a big breakfast and pack a big lunch... otherwise all you can think about is food). But then when my last lecture was finished i had to do a group project and we sat almost 2 hours doing that before we all felt tired and ready to head home, and then i couldnt wait to get home and get the energy my body and mind needed so desperatly... but also to just rest. Not do any school work when i got home... just rest!

And that has basically been my day today, and tomorrow i will just go with the flow and see what happens, i mean things never really go according to  plan when it comes to moving and such. But i am looking forward to the weekend, to just getting settled into the new apartment and getting lots of school work done hopefully, i want to get on top of things to avoid too much stress later on when more assignments and things are piled on!

Also, some random things which i wanted to write about.... an assignment i have gotten is to do an activity monitoring, where i write everything i do as precise as possible for 72 hours.... i.e from 7-7-15made breakfast, 7.15-7.45 got ready etc etc and then we are going to calculate our BMR and TDEE and how much our body burns... rougly from those 3 days. And that will be alot of work but also exciting, however it reminds me so much of when i was at Mando and had an activity monitor on for 3 days at a time almost every week or second week. I did far too much exercise and secret exercise while there and the staff knew about it and so i had a monitor which could note all the movement i did, however i liked to take it off for several hours at a time and say that it "Broke"... hahahah... all my activity monitors broke after roughly 3 hours XD

And also... i realised just how much knowledge i have about calories, macros and food. While doing the group project we had to make a meal plan for an individual and it had to be according to all the recommendations and then we had to decide portions and things and i guess because of my past ED i still know calories of most types of food as well as what is a portion size, i.e some in my class thought that 100g oatmeal was a portion.... but here in Sweden a portion of oatmeal is 40g (though usually i use 70/80g i.e 1-2dl... because i mean, who eats just one portion of oatmeal XD). And it felt so strange because i thought, all of the people going the course or the program i mean they should have general knowledge about food such as that X food has alot of fat in it or that even if X food has alot of protein, it has alot more fat in it etc But i guess not.
 And lastly.... when making the meal plan some in my group commented on "How much food it was" and how they could never eat that much food... i was just like, "ehh... ahahh, ok, sure". Hahahahha... you stick to your 1800kcal and ill keep eating my 3000kcal and feel somewhat full.




Anyway... far too much writing. I just thought those things were interesting for me anyway and made me think about some things. How much i do know about nutrition and calories without even realising it? Could make some joke about how thats a positive thing from my eating disorder, but not going to because 1) Being obsessed with calories is hell and 2) Knowing calories is only useful if you are going to work with them... hence why my knowledge of nutrition and calories is useful. So that normal people dont need to think about calories or count calories, instead they can come to people like me.... or when i am a dietician/health coach and get me to do all that nasty business of counting calories and macros :):):)

Time to end this post..... sooo long, i apologize. One super long post instead of several short ones XD


Some recovery reminders

Sometimes i think it is important to be reminded of certain things, that sometimes even if you know them.. it can be good to hear or read them again and to remind yourself. So here are some maybe small reminders for you :)









Photos from http://recoveryjournaling.tumblr.com/

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Trying a matcha latte and a vegetarian lunch buffee to celebrate my test is done

Why hello there!
Its a new day, Wednesday and leaving yesterday behind me. Focusing on the new day and so far most of the day has already passed. I only got about 3 hours sleep last night as i tossed and turned and felt anxious and nervous and despite being in bed with the lights off at 11pm i didnt fall asleep until sometime after 1am, and then i was wide awake by 4.20am and unable to sleep, so it was just to start my day then.

This morning i had my test and how it went... i have no idea. Hoping i have passed anyway, though once again just like last time i was irritated over the fact that i stuided far too much detail of things which werent even on the test. I have always studied in detail and thought the small details were the most important, but i guess i need to realise that the things on the test are more related to what i need to know as a dietician..... so i mean if questions such as what substances are in an emulsion or what enzymes are needed for the transport of glucose or fructose over the intestine cell wall were asked, i would have been able to answer with 100% accuracy. But instead questions such as what percent of sunflower oil, coconutoil and cornoil are saturated fat, unsaturated fat and polyunsaturated fats..... I guess those things are important to know when you are a dietician not so much how kolesterol passes through the cellwall or is transported in the body with LDL or HDL. Ohh welll.... i hope it went well anyway.


After my test i headed into the town and decided to sit at a cafe and do some writing and article reading while waiting for my mum to arrive. While at the cafe i ordered my first ever matcha latte (basically matha tea with foamed milk) and a ginger and lemon shot. Ive seen matcha lattes before and always wanted to try so i thought it was a good time to try and it did taste good... not sweet, and hard to explain the taste, but it was nice. However i am not such a fan of very milky drinks so it was a little too much foam and milk, and too much milk and lactose leaves a sort of horrible taste in my mouth. But i had the ginger and lemon shot to take that taste away anyway! After sitting there for about an hour i headed to a fitness store to buy casein and EAA. I usually drink BCAA but now after studying protein realise that drinking EAA (i.e only the essential amino acids is actually more beneficial. ) Not that it will make a huge difference, and apparently most EAA have an awful taste, but i am going to give this one a try. And then casein, as its a great snack and a way to save money as its better to buy 1kg casein and top that with nuts, raisins, granola and milk rather than buy 2-3 packets of yoghurt each week.... though big packets of oatmeal are also a way to save money and a great snack. But now i can have oatmeal with casein again!!

Anyway,  I met my mum and we went to lunch at my favourite restaurant where I live. A vegetarian buffĂ© where the food is amazing! After that we took a stroll through the town and then drove out to a forest and took a long walk with the dog followed by food shopping for me and then my mum offered to buy me dinner (vegetarian gyozas ) which we ate at my apartment before she headed home again!
It has been a lovely day but I must admit, running on 3 hours sleep I am exhausted now and not looking forward to my 8-14 obligatory lectures tomorrow and then all the packing and moving on Friday.  most of all I just want to sleep now which is what I plan to do soon!



So for now it's time to log off and just rest physically and mentally! !!









Dealing with your body changing in recovery

What happens when you have accepted, or begun to be ok with the fact that the number on the scale will change, but then left with the fact that your body will change.
  Often its not so much the actual number changing, even if you can be very number obsessed and wanted the lowest number shown on the scale. But it is also the fear of your body changing... how will your body look after gaining weight, after reaching a healthy weight. And even more fear if you struggled with body image or your weight before your eating disorder, then there is added fear that you will end up looking the way you did before your eating disorder. But also when you have a distorted body image you think that gaining 500g is noticable and you begin to see your body grow and expand despite barely gaining any weight, so then you think... if i look this big when i weigh this amount, how could i possibly not look like an elephant when i have gained X kilo more.
 But you have to realise that your perception of yourself and your body image is not a healthy one and you dont see yourself as others do. While i was at my lowest weight i felt huge... there were random times i would see just how underweight i was, but most of the time i would think i was a normal weight and had no idea why people were telling me i needed to gain weight and to even understand or accept the fact that my "normal" (Or what i thought looked normal) body had to gain 20kg was unfathomable.... I thought i looked huge already, how would i look after gaining just 5kg. But i can tell you, that as strange as it may sound... i actually felt skinnier the more weight i gained. Not in the beginnning... in the beginning i felt constantly bloated and like a hue ball with sticks for arms and sausages as legs (or thats what i wrote in my diary from 2010 anyway). The first few kilo didnt make me feel vibrant, healthy or energetic. And the last 5 kilo to gain during my relapse were tough as then i felt like i had a normal and healthy body, but when i look back at photos from then i see that my body didnt look so healthy and i definitely wasnt healthy mentally or physically at that time either... no matter how much i tried telling others and myself.

But onto weight gain and how to cope. The first thing to realise is that a few kilo weight gain 2-5kg, really isnt noticable... of course it all depends on what stage you are in. But i can tell you that the last few kilo anyway, those that people often struggle most with, those arent noticable. At some point when you get closer to your goal weight your body has already redistributed the weight and your body looks the way it will look naturally.... so those last few kilo wont impact your body so much. For example i always had skinny arms and those last 5kg i had to gain, they didnt exactly make my arms bigger..... but those last 5kilo i had to gain, they didnt make me bigger either. The difference was barely noticable, the difference was the energy and self acceptance and maybe just a little bit more booty!

Also remember, bloat is NOT WEIGHT gain or fat. Bloating is water retention and your abdomen expanding... it will go away.

Also... weight gain does NOT equal 100% fat gain. I.e if you gain 10kg, it is not 10kg of fat where 5 kilo sits on your stomach. That is not how weight gain works. You will gain strength, energy will go to your muscles and organs and bones. You will gain water weight and of course some will go to fat, but it is not all pure fat and that is important to remember. You wont go from a certain size to being just a blob/ball of fat. The weight redistributes and will go to where it is genetically stored based on your own genetics and DNA.

At times it can feel like you wake up one day and feel 5kg heavier and bigger, and that is because you dont always notice the difference in your body as they are so small... so sometimes it is like you wake up and realise your body has changed, even if it hasnt from one day to another... its just that those small changes arent noticable. And the thing to not do then is to panic and not eat, that wont help. You need to keep eating, allow your body to change, because the changes arent negative ones. Those changes in your body are neceessary for energy, happiness and health. If your body is underweight or you are using unhealthy methods to maintain your body weight/image, then you need to realise that your body will change when you change those habits. And that your body will try to settle at its HEALTHY weight, not just where you have decided it should be or how it should look.

A tip is to get rid of old clothes.... get rid of the clothes you know will be too small.Why have them in your closet? There is no point.... Of course during weight gain you can be in a tricky place of the old clothes are too small and you dont really know how you will look at your goal weight so you dont know what type of clothes will suit you best. So instead buy loose fitting clothes. I wore alot of dresses with tights or long tops and skirts because then i could wear them at my goal weight as well.. but also i bougt alot of cheap clothes during that time period. However.... your body doesnt change drastically... the only difference was in jeans really... but most of my clothes while i was sick were already too big so many of the clothes i owned i could fit into fine once i was my goal weight.

Dont spend too much time infront of the mirror or looking down at your body or doing measurements or different things like that. Get rid of the old and instead embrace the new. Realise that your body changing is a good thing, your body is getting healthier and stronger... but also that your goal weight and how you look then, doesnt have to be how you look forever. Your body is constantly changing, and your body can change again. For example when i began to strength train my body has changed alot.... but the way you eat and how you live your life can change your body and weight as well, so realise that the changes your body make now dont have to be permanent. HOWEVER you should always strive after a healthy body and healthy lifestyle, not just gain weight... reach ahealthy weight and then decide to lose 10kg again, that wouldnt be healthy unless you medically need to lose 10kg for health reasons.

Allow your body to change and be ok with it. Focus on the new and healthier you. Get rid of old pictures and old clothes, realise that your body WILL have fat and that is ok. Fat on your body is necessary and there is nothing wrong with stretch marks, cellulite or fat rolls... society tells us that those things are "ugly" but they ARENT. But it is up to you, what you choose to believe. But if you decide to love yourself and accept your healthy body and the weight gain it will be much easier.

Because it is your body and if you dont accept the changes you will be stuck in a body that you hate and it wont make life easy. This is your body and even if you are being forced to gain weight, know that those people who are forcing you to gain weight are doing it for YOU. And that you can spend all your life going up and down in weight, but it wont make you happy or your body healthy. So at some point you have to realise that your body has a healthy set point and a healthy body size and weight and you need to be ok with that and stop fighting your body.

Also... dont compare yourself to others. Dont look at accounts that trigger you or follow accounts where there is lots of body images which negatively affect you. GET RID OF THOSE. Also, remember people use photoshop and change their images... so not every image you see is realistic. So dont compare yourself to them.

BUt most of all, learn to love yourself.

Seeing your body change ISNT easy, but its about learning to be ok with it. Seeing the changes as positive and knowing that you arent ugly, that you are infact beautiful no matter your size or weight and feeling beautiful and confident. It is a process and getting rid of distorted body image, but i can promise you that learning to fight those thoughts and learning to see yourself as beautiful and accepting the body changes will make the whole process easier!!!






Snack ideas and recipes













Healthy Flourness Fudge Brownies




(Yes... things like this can be eaten as snacks!)


Pumpkin spice pancakes / Recipe




Teeny tiny chocolate cake for one / Recipe












These are just some different snack ideas & recipes to give you some inspiration to know that snacks can be anything really.... they dont have to be the typical bread with butter and cheese or yoghurt and granola... it can be what you want to be! Snacks are there for extra energy and to give you energy througout the day as well as being delicious :) So dont be scared to mix up what you eat for snacks every now and then! :)





Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Doing what needs to be done

The strange thing with mental illness is that you know what is the right thing to do... for example when i was sick with my eating disorder... i knew i should eat, but i didnt. I knew while i was purging that it wasnt good and would have consequences. People with mental illnesses aren't stupid, they often know what is good or bad or what they should do or shouldnt... but that doesnt always make a difference. Even if you know you should do something you don't always do it... even normal and healthy people can struggle with it. But when it comes to mental illnesses the behaviours are more negative rather than a person who knows they should take their dog for a walk but doesnt do it until 2 hours later... rather than someone who struggles with an eating disorder and knows they should eat but doesnt anyway, or someone who knows they should eat just one cookie but eats all 12 instead.

For me today... i knew i should do something. I knew i should shower, i knew i should walk to the store to buy food, i knew i should study.... but i couldnt get myself to do it. It all felt too much, overwhelming and i really didnt want to do it. Sometimes just taking a shower or washing my hair is just too much... so i just dont do it. However i know its unhygenic and i know i will feel better once it is done, but its that first step of actually doing it which can be the toughest.

But by 5pm and i had gotten absaloutly nothing done... my test is tomorrow and i hadnt studied at all. My hair needed to be washed, my face needed to be cleaned, and the laundry needed to be done as well as food needed to be bought. So i said to myself, "i have to get this done. Just do these simple adult tasks, tasks which are so easy somedays, but today is a struggle. But that is ok... i just need to get them done." So first... walk to the store to buy food (and i decided to buy a vegan product called Oumph! which i have wanted to try for a while but is super expensive and havent been able to fit it into my budget, but i decided to buy 2 packets today and as i write this post i am eating dinner and part of it is the thyme and garlic Oumph, and they taste soo good. Seriously, now that this is available and can even be found in certain restaurants i have absaloutly no craving for meat at all... not that i eat much chicken anyway, but the Oumph is such a great replacement and tastes super good! So despite it being expensive, i am going to make it a part of my weekly diet anyway! Rather spend money on vegetarian and vegan products than meat - but thats just my own personal choice at this point in my life!)


Picture source



Then once the shopping was done it was time for a shower and washed my hair and afterwards i got inspired to do a home workout as i wanted to workout but i just didnt want to go to the gym... and that was a super good idea and added positivity to my evening! And now i am going to do my best to do some last minute studying and tomorrow is my test... and i think my mum is coming to visit and we are going to eat lunch. I think she knows i am not feeling so great and i guess she is a little worried about me living away from home and on my own at times. So that will be nice... be able to treat myself after my test!! At the moment i am feeling ok for the test... nervous, but ok... and i feel like even if i do fail (hopefully not) then it wont be such a big deal to redo the test... compared to the previous two tests which were alot more complicated than what we are doing now and would have been a burden to try to study all of that while studying all the current things as well.

Anyway.... with this post i wanted to write.... sometimes you just have to force yourself to do things. And that its ok to struggle... with mental illness life isnt always easy. Sometimes the simple tasks which are so easy at times can be such a struggle the next day. But you have to get through the day anyway... somedays all you need is to refuse to do anything and just lie in bed, sometimes that is what is needed and necessary. Otherdays you just need to get things done and try to defy that voice in your head and that tiredness and unmotivatedness for life and know that it will get better, but you also have to make it better. Today, i am proud of the small things... the small things i accomplished to do despite my unwillingness.... somedays i am proud of the fact that i studied 4 hours, otherdays i am proud that i even manage to open my study books. Some days i am proud that i have been very productive all day, and other days i am proud over the fact that i even managed to take a shower.... thats life at the moment. But i am taking each day as it comes and making the best of each day, and i think thats what we should all do. Have goals and dreams and things to look forward to, but also to live each day and make the best of each day even if there are struggles and tough times. We have one life to live and got to make the best of it!! :)

I am hoping you have all had a great day and can make the best of the day :)





Decide to own your day and not let the day control you

It's funny how quickly emotions and humor can change. From one day loving the freedom of being an adult, loving life and feeling great... to the next day wanting life to be over, wanting to curl into a ball and refuse to do anything. Not wanting to be an adult or have to face life.

In all honesty, i was one big negative mess yesterday and Sunday as well for that matter. Just everything felt wrong and awful, i dont really know what i felt or why... but i just know that i felt awful and life didnt feel so great. It is most probably due to stress, i do have alot going on right now as well as things that have happened in my personal life and thoughts in my mind which i have chosen to not write publicly, but they all weigh heavy on me, and i think i just reached a "its all too much" point. And those feelings and emotions were still heavy on my shoulders this morning. I didnt want to get out of bed, i didnt want to go for a walk, i didnt want to go to the gym, i didnt want to study... i wanted the day to be over before it had even started... but most of all, i just wanted everything to be over.  To wake up with those negative thoughts and feelings, where you have barely been awake two minutes and you dont want to face another day... it can be tough to change those thoughts and to make the day better. But i knew that i would not feel better if i just sat inside all day on my own and felt those negative thoughts. Instead, i headed out to go for a walk.... the first thoughts were "i dont want to... i want to go back home and refuse to do anything", but after 10 minutes i began to feel a little better. Began to think a little clearer, more rationally. Tried to change my thoughts... what was i feeling and why and what could i do about it. And so during my walk i tried changing my thoughts and by the time i was home again i was feeling better, not completely free from those negative and heavy emotions and thoughts, but at least i have decided to control the day rather than let the day control me. I have decided to make the day good or atleast see some positives in the day even if the start of my day wasnt so great.

A good tip when you are stuck in a bubble of negative emotions.... try to distract yourself and break free from that bubble, otherwise those thougts will just spin round and round and you will just feel worse. Instead... do something, talk to someone or go somewhere else. It isnt always easy, but it can definitely help and keep you from doing something you might regret. Breaking out from the negative bubble and trying to change thoughts is what will help you both in the short and long term!!

So.... lets make this day a good one, because even if the day started badly, it can still be changed and end positively, and most of all.... dont let the emotions from yesterday carry on to the next day. Instead, try to start each day fresh and not hold onto the past or how you felt the previous day(s)!




Monday, March 28, 2016

One day you will look back and see how far you have come and be proud of yourself

My easter celebrations and ready for the new week

Good morning everyone :)

Monday morning and I guess you could say I officially started my day at 2.30am this morning. ... as that was when I first woke up and did not feel tired at all. But sometime around 4am I fell asleep again and then started my day for real at 8am!

Before I go out for a run I thought I would just quickly show some pictures and talk about my easter celebrations as I haven't done that yet :)
On Saturday we had a late easter lunch/early dinner at my step dad's mothers place . The typical food for Easter is herring, salmon, eggs, different meats, asparagus as well as potatoe and different potatoe dishes.  So that was the type of food we ate as well. ... sticking to tradition, though I guess the food has changed and isn't as traditional as before.. or that's what I've understood anyway. This is only my 5th time celebrating easter in Sweden and it's always just been the same type of food.

Pretty much all we did there was eat... first the lunch/dinner, then cheese & crackers & fruit and after that cake and coffee and chocolate. So I'm pretty sure everyone was at bursting point afterwards. ... and unfortunately I felt so sick the whole time that I couldn't eat as much as wanted, but I got to take home food as I did want to eat it and thought it tasted delicious but my stomach was in knots and that pain lasted all of Sunday as well, but today it feels better anyway.

Yesterday was a very calm day... I got some studying done, took a nap, went for a walk with my sister, did some baking, had a nice time with my sister, ate some easter dinner and then went to bed.... not so exciting but I did want to head home yesterday but was convinced to stay and also due to my tiredness and stomach pain I wasn't so excited about travelling almost 2 hours to get home, so I stayed with my family.

Today however I am ready to travel home!! 2 days of study, then my test, then a long day in school and then on Friday I move apartments. ... and then a weekend and week full of new study and school preparations! But I'm ready for it.... ready for my test to be over wuth and ready to focus on the new as well as trying to settle in to the new apartment.  It will be different,but hopefully it will be fine and it won't feel so strange!!

Anyway... now I've finished my coffee and it's time to head out into the sun for a run before its time to travel home again! I wish you all a great week and keep thinking positive! !! Small positive thoughts everyday :)

Sunday, March 27, 2016

When you are so used to always having things to do and then you have nothing to do and have dont know what to do with yourself

One super long title which basically describes me today.

I always have lots of things to and there is always studying to be done, or something to do. And i just about get the things i want to do done within the hours that I am awake. Today however... i am left with nothing to do and dont know what to do with myself.

By 11am i had been to the gym and was home again and thought.... what am i supposed to do today? I dont want to study for my test today as i will do that on Monday and Tuesday, i dont have any creativity or inspiration to write advice posts or schedule posts for the week to come. I have watched all the available episodes of the series i was watching, i dont have anything to clean... ive already worked out and am too tired to go for a walk or do anything too physical. My family have other plans and my sister is sick and my boyfriend is working. And my friends either have plans with their family or are away this weekend, and i dont have the money or motivation to go browse in shops or be around people.... so instead i've written on my report the past hour, it is still  very much in the beginning stages but atleast the ideas and what i want to write are on paper now and so it is just to sit down and formulate everything in more understanable and formal terms! And now going to read 3 long articles for a seminarium in a weeks time... and once that is done... i'll see what i do. I thought about heading back home and was going to do that after the gym but my family convinced me to stay.... but i might head home this evening anyway, would be nice to sleep in my own bed and be back in my own apartment!

Not so sure what my plans are anyway. But for now going to just the hours pass and see what i do.... it feels so strange to not have anything i have to do.... So very different from my very "always have things to do" schedule. Not sure if i like this freedom or not.


Anyway, i hope you all have a lovely Easter and enjoy your day (how many times have i written this? haha) . Soon it's April and spring and soon summer!!! Things to look forward to :)



My thoughts post

At times - like now, I have so much I want to write and say but can't seem to make a text that is helpful or even readable. There is just to much I want to write and I just wish I could make all of you -my readers and everyone else who suffers from an eating disorder - realise that things csn get better that recovery is worth it. But when you are struggling, it doesn't always matter how many times you are told that you need to eat and rest, or that recovery is worth it and weight gain won't make you ugly.... or you feel is the fear. The fear of eating, the fear of weight gain. All you hear is that voice in your head controlling you. .... not eating becomes automatic and not something you think about, it's more strange to eat than to not eat. Or your binges are completely uncontrollable. ... you know you shouldn't but you can't stop yourself or the acts of compensation you do.... all the times you've said you will stop or the people's advice who have told you to not compensate... all that is gone because you just have so much guilt and anxiety.

But I wish I could make you all realise that you CAN overcome all those behaviours. You can be free but it doesn't come easy. It means change and you wanting to change. Choosing recovery every moment. Even if it means that you fumble in the dark. ... no idea what will happen.  Because that is sort of how recovery is.... just because you do X doesn't mean that Y will happen.  Of course there are certain  guidelines which if you follow will most likely lead to a certain result but it can never be said that something will with 100% certainty happen.

Such as self love.... that will only come if you focus on loving yourself. It's not like you gain weight and then you have lots of self love.... its a gradual process. And with concentration and focus after an eating disorder... most people regain their concentration and focus as the brain and body are nourished and get the energy they need but if your mind is on other things or if all your thoughts are still controlled by an eating disorder then your thoughts will just be on that and not on your task.

I wish I could make you all choose and want recovery.  I wish I could help you through the tough times and remind you that the tough times make you stronger.  That you can't give up and choosing your eating disorder is not a life to live.

After recovery it doesn't mean that life is like a beautiful dream, but it sure is better than life when suffering from an eating disorder. There is freedom and more joy and hopefully self love and acceptance are something you have worked on!

And when it comes to full recovery i believe it is fully possible if you decide to fully recovery.  Some hold onto old sick habits, maybe out of comfort or fear and then tell other that full recovery isn't possible. .. that you will always have ed thoughts.  Sure... there are certain things that might never go away and you won't be the same person as you were before your eating disorder and your thoughts will be different. But you can live a normal life with all ed thoughts gone. Being able to eat without thinking about the lowest kcal food or micromanaging every morsel of food or feeling the need to exercise to compensate. You can learn to love exercise and not do it to compensate and to learn to trust your body and love your body.  But that is a process.... when I was declared healthy in 2012 I felt healthy, but if I compare then to now... I am much healthier mentally and physically. I've had lows and highs and dips. And during the years I had alot to work on and am still working on such as my low self esteem and how to cope during stressful times, but during the past years ive worked alot on not using food to cope, not controlling food and self love. Learning to not let a number define me and not caring about eating too much, as well as facing all fear foods and not letting food control me. And am now free from all of that. But it takes time and a motivation to want to change and get better. No one else can do it for you... and only you know why you do things. It is easy to smile and act normal around others and then use disordered behaviours on your own... or to smile and tell others that you are going for your 2 hour run because you enjoy it but in actuality you are just running to burn calories to compensate.  Of course... it is fully possible to want to run 2 hours because of enjoyment or a goal... and it doesn't have to be due to compensation.  But it's only YOU who knows why you do things and to change and get better you have to be honest about that and be willing to change... otherwise those thoughts or actions won't change.

You need to want to recover for yourself and your own life and fight to be fully free. Because if you stop during half recovery then you won't be fully free.

At some point you have to take the advice you are given on board and want to recover for yourself. All I can do is try to motivate but the hard work has to come from YOU. But I more than ever wish that I could make you all want to fight for recovery and never give up and know that it gets better! !!

A long post but I felt I just needed to write this out. And maybe someone can feel a little motivated or inspired.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Easter and my Easter cake 2016

As tradition - and enjoyment, i made an Easter cake this year! Instead of going out 150% on my cake as i usually do and either making one huge cake or 2 types of weird "extra" cakes, i decided to opt for simple today. A chocolate and orange cheesecake... simple and so delicious :) There is going to be so much chocolate eaten so if i made a huge chocolate cake it would just be too much. The recipe for the cake is from HERE, and i can say that the cake tastes super good!!  :)

To celebrate Easter i am going to my step dads mothers place (can i call her a step grandmother? hahah) with my family and we are going to have a late lunch/dinner there.

For me personally Easter isnt that special anymore... it feels like it's a big deal to kids as they get chocolate or candy, and i guess when you are an adult you get free days from work and to spend time with family. But Easter doesnt feel that special, unlike Christmas which feels more special... maybe its just me. But if i could i would actually work during these days if i had work, or it wouldnt really matter if we didnt celebrate. Maybe its just me who doesnt feel so "hype" about things at the moment, or maybe its just that i am older and special occasions like this dont feel like a big deal anymore.... like i have never thought birthdays are that special. The only reason i have liked my birthday the past few years is that i get to bake a cake and go out for brunch to celebrate... haha, but otherwise birthdays arent so special for me.

Anyway, currently i have so much stomach pain so going to just lie down and hopefully the pain will pass so that i can enjoy the lunch/dinner later!

I know most people celebrate tomorrow - Sunday, so i wish you all an Early Happy Easter :) And whether you celebrate or not, make Sunday an awesome day and be kind to yourself.

Chocolate wont harm you, neither will potatoes or dessert. Food is energy. And resting wont harm you either!!! And if you do binge, stay calm... tomorrow will be a new day and the best thing you can do is to distract yourself and not be alone with food if you binge. But the most important thing, give your body food and nourishment. Restricting and starving yourself wont help you at all. Your body needs energy and nourishment to function!!!

Dont let food control you and dont let your eating disorder control you. You can get through this weekend, if you find it overwhelming, you can get through it!!