Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Tuesday morning and my thoughts at the moment

Helllo :)

How is everyone doing? :) I ask this question, yet nobody answers... hahaha. I guess it seems like i dont care, like i ask questions just because... but i do care. I love reading your comments and even if i amnt so good at answering, i try to answer as much as i can and when i have freetime, which isnt often, but if you're lucky you'll get a quick reply, hahah. But i do love to hear about your days, how you are doing and things like that,  I mean i write about my life and how im feeling - mostly, so its nice to read about your lives as well!! :)

Anyway, this morning i was very thankful for the amount of alarms i had turned on because my first alarm rang and i put it on snooze for 5 minutes and when it rang again, i turned on my bedside lamp checked my phone and began to scroll through instagram... though i fell asleep holding my phone, hahaha. But my alarm rang again 10 minutes later and that time i actually got!! My first thought though was, I cant wait until i can get back into bed again!

Otherwise something which i wanted to write and something i found so strange was that this morning i got this huge feeling of... I dont want to go back to stockholm this weekend. It is so strange... I mean i have basically everything in Stockholm, what i have here is school and my bed and such.... but i mean my favourite gym, my family, my dog, my boyfriend, my friends.... the "comfortable" is in Stockholm. But at the same time, i dont really want to go back there..... Even if i will most likely move back in summer - unless i get a job here and can continue to live in the apartment, but i will most likely move back in June. But I have this thing where, once i move i move on... and i dont look back. Each time i have moved house or apartment, the first few days i miss the "old" but then i move on, i settle in and get comfortable where i am and feel no need to go back. I think that is why i can move on so easily in most things in my life..... if i argue with someone, i dont hold grudges and i move on. If something negative happens, i move on....  I move forward and dont want to look back, instead i look into the future and try to live in the now.
   Its so strange, i never thought i would feel this way... but i dont miss home and i dont really miss stockholm either. Sure, there are pros and cons to both cities and both places.... but i like it here. I have it easy to adapt, to find my routines and habits and then i dont necessarily miss the old. I know once i go back on Thursday or Friday ill enjoy my time there... spending time with people i havent seen in a while, but at the same time..... i think its going to take alot for me to actually pack my bag and to travel back there, because at the moment i really dont want to.

And that also scares me in a sense, how easily i can just... move on? I sometimes think i am far too independant, and not in a good way. Because i am not the one calling people back home, they are the ones calling me.... and i dont know if its because i dont care, or what it is.... i cant even explain, its so confusing. Because i care, but at the same timei sometimes feel like i have a brickwall around me that stops me from having super relationships with people... even my family. I mean most people would miss their family if they moved away (and i know i dont live far away from them), but still... ive still moved away from my family and my home, but yet i dont miss it. Its all so confusing and i cant write this without making myself seem like i am stone cold and emotionless, even if that is at times how i would describe myself because i dont show emotion easily.....

I sometimes think this all has to do with my past. Ive felt abondoned each time i have been admitted to hospital and ive been scared to build relationships and been far to independant all my life, ive never really let people into my life and never been able to show emotion or ask people for help. Ive learnt to adapt in many different situations, and sort of "always been the one there for me" and so i dont rely on others, but in a sense i dont miss others then either... as i always have myself? Its so confusing, and this is all hoensty just my stream of thoughts in my head right now - hence why it may seem so confusing. But that is because i am also trying to process it and trying to understand why i feel the way i do? But its also got me questioning things like my relationship with my boyfriend.... but i dont want to get into that on here....

For now, i guess this is the way i feel. And i dont know why, but i felt i had to write these thoughts out. Try to put words to thoughts and it does work for me... to try to figure things out, even if it isnt so interesting for you, my readers... hahaha. Sometimes i just need to write my thoughts and express whats on my mind!!


  1. I know what you mean. Obviously I can't feel exactly what you're going through but we seem to have pretty similar personalities and I feel like this at times. I think it's healthier to look forward than behind you so I guess this is a good trait if you ask me. I've had a good day today. I had a really good workout despite not having exercised properly in over a month- studying for SATs was a time consuming priority :) I had an amazing lunch buffet with my mom, I signed up for the model United Nations and investment society at university and got a whole load of free stuff and I got accepted into another university in the UK where I might transfer to in September (depends where I get into in the U.S. though). So all really exciting!

    1. Good luck with your SATs (or if they're already done, I hope it went well!) Congratulations on university, that is awesome! You've got some choices ahead of you now, but i hope you don't feel too stressed about those.

    2. Thank you! At the moment the stress isn't too bad thankfully! I get the SAT results tomorrow but it's weird juggling university life here and preparing for another new start there. I'm mostly worried about not coping with maths there. At home we never did A Levels so I'm already a bit behind. Just to get some textbooks and work in the library I suppose. Hope you have a good week izzy. :)

  2. I'm not too bad, thanks for asking!

    I get that feeling though, even though you've got all your home comforts, the old familiar, once you've adapted to a new situation it can then be difficult to disrupt that all again. When I spend weekdays at uni and then weekends at home, I sometimes can't actually be bothered going back home. The packing up, the travelling, the adjustment to the family's routine, ugh...

    And of course putting your thoughts to words is interesting, that's the whole idea of blogging, right? :-) That's all mine is, anyway...

    1. Ohh yes, the travelling and rhe packing and then you're the "guest" in a sense, even if it's still home/your old home it's not really the same. I hope you have a lovely Wednesday and a great rest of the week! !

  3. I completely identify with what you've said. I tend to settle into new routines quite quickly and have them feel really normal within a few days and then not really miss the old stuff.
    I also think that I don't have relationships or love like other people do. I know I should miss people, but I don't really feel it. Same with love, I mean I do love my husband and my family, but more in an abstract way than an actually feeling it way. I can't remember if it's always been like this or not though. Feels like I am kinda dead inside and just watching my life rather than living it.
    I am truly hoping that as I gain weight (only bmi 16 still at the moment, although I was 13 when I started) that feelings will come back.
    I hope that you find that place again too. Although I don't think not wanting to look/go back is a bad thing at all!
    Thanks again for the blog, I love it. Stacey x

    1. I know that feeling, though the "dead" feeling inside isn't a healthy one, and you can get rid of that and feel more alive, more motivation and not just fee like you ate surviving. But that requires change and realising you can change. I think that with weight gain you will feel better,more alive and life will feel better. And then I guess in a way you just got to work on your emotions or how you feel (iI need to do this as well.)

      I hope you have a lovely rest of the week!

  4. Hi Izzy, thanks for asking too. Im struggling at the moment pet. When i say that i don't mean to say I'm not achieving I'm just finding it all so hard. I have put on a huge amount of weight this week, basically what i would do in a month but in a week and its still rising. The only things I've changed is adding in a slice of malt loaf (60 cals) and giving up diet coke which had got out of control as i was using it to fill up on and in excess. Now i don't know whats happening. I can see the changes in my body and look and feel so fat. i still have weight to put on but I'm scared. if i feel this fat now what will i feel in 5kgs time? and really that much weight from no coke and a slice of malt loaf? i know i need to keep pushing thru but i don't know who i am anymore. I'm so tired too and feel hungry a lot of the time. i need to get myself stronger so i can return to my studies in july so that is my goal i need to put on 5kg by that time but I'm so worried. it feels like I can't eat anything without putting on loads of weight and I'm always calculating energy in energy out its doing my head in. i need to study but I'm so tired and feel so low i don't know what to do x

    1. Im going to try answer you in a post tomorrow, as i know what you are going through so ill try give you some advice :)

  5. I went through similar regarding weight gain these past couple of weeks. I relapsed after an illness at Christmas and never got back to eating my full meal plan. I won`t go into details but I was massively under eating. Then I started to gain massively on the little I was eating and began to bloat. So I figured I had pushed my body into starvation mode which was why I was gaining on so little. So I have begun to increase slowly every three days. Last week I bloated terribly, edema all around my bust, bottom, tummy and legs, even my loose clothing was tight and it hurt a lot. This week it has begun to subside as I made sure I carried on increasing my food and drinking more fluids throughout, and its seemed to have worked. I still have some increases to make but I am doing it gradually so I can adjust and when I weighed myself yesterday my weight seems to have stabilised. It was so scary, like you I didn't know where I`d end up it was as if my body was running away on its on - I had no control. But I figured my body needed more food and by giving it more my metabolism would hopefully get out of starvation mode.
    I need Izzys input here to see what she thinks, but it sounds to me as though you are in a similar situation to me and you need to eat more to get your metabolism back on track. I hope Izzy reads this and can help.

  6. Hi Izzy - I`m not too bad thankyou! And how are you today?
    What you wrote about in your post sounds like a defence mechanism you have developed, probably like you said stemming from your time spent away in hospital when you were younger. If you don`t allow yourself to miss people or your home when you are away from them then you won`t get hurt. You settle into new routines quickly because when you had to go away when you were younger or moved home you had no choice, so that mechanism is kicking in again for you now.
    You can change this but I think it would take a therapist to help you as the feelings you have are obviously deep rooted from several years ago.
    I hope you do go and visit your family next week, it will be nice for you to spend time with them and I bet your mum has missed you! (and then of course theres your little dog - I bet she`s missed you too!) Have some family time and enjoy it for what it is - then come back to your new life knowing your family are still there for you no matter where you are or what you do. That is precious.

    1. I definitely think it is some sort of defense mechanism... my way of coping. But also i think i just like being alone, and ive never felt the need to spend lots of time with other people. But i just find it strange as i know i should miss home or atleast my family, friends and boyfriend... but i just dont. But i think it is some sort of defense mechanism, or like the anonymous below wrote... part of the depression. Where i just sort of "dont care" even if that sounds awful, it is awful.
      I am going to head home for the weekend, as i have promised to meet my friends and boyfriend, but at the same time i really dont want to. But i know ill enjoy myself, hopefully anyway, but i know ill long back to the apartment again, which sounds so strange to think. Anyway, i have alot to think about and try to figure out...

      I hope you have had a good day :)

  7. Is it possible it could be another manifestation of depression? Stockholm is where everyone who cares about you are, and so going there means interacting with them and, well, dealing with being cared about. When I am depressed, there is nothing I like more than being alone, in my own little routines and in isolation. Anyone "intruding" in my little bubble makes me feel resentful, which in turn makes me feel guilty, which then makes me feel even worse/more depressed. I just want to be left alone to my own devices. Could this possibly be a factor for you?

    1. I never really thought about it that way... but that seems quite possible... that i like the aloneness. Ive never been bothered about being alone and i dont often feel lonely, infact i like the alone time. And in a way, when i live here i know i dont have to socialize... i dont have to spend time with others, i can just sort of live in my bubble..... hmmm, your comment gave me alot to think about, so thank you.

    2. No problem :). I just thought it might be worth suggesting as its something I deal with in my own life on a regular basis. Its hard when you are a natural introvert, but I've learned to tell the difference for myself (if I want to be alone because I just need alone time, or if I want to be alone because I'm isolating).

  8. I'm good! I'm finally back in my own city, so I'm really happy! I get what you mean though! I moved home over summer and it was good to see my family, but I didn't really WANT to leave Auckland. I've moved on. Well and truly. I'm very independent too. Probably to a point that I cut myself off from people at some point. It's a defence mechanism I developed after my parents got divorced. At any rate, I can understand how you're feeling! If you ever want to talk about things then just message me on Facebook :) I always have time for you! :)