Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Thoughts about happiness

This evening i have had quite alot of thoughts about happiness, and regarding my own happiness.

It hasnt been a secret that i havent been so happy the past few months, and for a while i was in a very very dark place. It was a scary, dark and frightening place that i was caught in. A place where i spent alot of time contemplating death and suicide. Some (i.e some people who read my blog) told me it was just a phase or that i was making it up, that it wasnt so bad and that i just felt sad because everything was "unknown"... though i know myself better and know that that was not what it was. However i can say that since moving i do feel slightly happier... i feel more positive and more alive compared to the past few months where i felt more zombie like and absaloutly no motivation for life. Am i completely better, of course not... but i do feel happier.

However i still have this fear that that happiness wont last. Whenever i do feel happy i suddenly think of all the things that go wrong, and i feel like something is going to happen which will (excuse my language) f**k up my happiness. Its like im scared of being happy because there are always things that can mess that happiness up. But i also know that life has its ups and downs and when you feel happy... you should smile and show your happiness!!





I am pretty sure i am not alone in this type of thinking... where it almost feels wrong to feel happy? But also when you feel like the sadness was just you making it up because suddenly you feel happy.... .

But then i also have thoughts about..... why do i feel happier now that i have moved away? Something back at home obviously wasnt doing me anything good... I mean my future is still so uncertain, just as uncertain as it was for 3 months ago so i mean that hasnt changed... whats changed is that i am in university now.. but at the same time my future isnt certain as i dont even know where i will be or what i will be doing this autumn, and that is scary enough as it is. But it feels like i needed to get away.... i know you cant run away from the thoughts in your mind but at the same time i think i needed a new environment, new routines and habits. I needed my freedom and needed something new.... i need my space and to grow on my own. To go on adventures and experience new things and be independant... and i think i just felt stuck at home. Stuck in my room, stuck in my routines.... i needed to get out of there, i needed to move and even if it scared me. Trust me... the weeks before i moved and before i began university i had SO MUCH anxiety, so much fear that i almost had panic attacks due to the anxiety i had. And i even considered going to a doctor to get medication/calming pills for the anxiety i had.... but now that anxiety is gone. I did something that scared me and now i am in a better place, and in a happier place as well. Of course its not all roses and unicorns and i know this happiness is sort of temporary, but i am going to allow myself to feel happy and not feel guilty over it. I am going to enjoy being happy and feeling this way.... the inner happiness where i just want to smile. Where i love my life as it is right now... I am coping with the stress and the work load, and despite not having any Uni friends i dont feel lonely. Of course things arent opitmal and there are always things that can be different but at the same time, sometimes you just need to accept how things are and appreciate them and not just focus on what could be different or better, and that is what i am doing. I am appreciating my life how it is at the moment and enjoying it.... allowing myself to feel happy. It feels strange and weird, but at the same time so good!!

Stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing things that scare you is sometimes the best thing you can and can change your life in a very positive way!!



"I lost myself last year, I’m not losing myself this year
— 1:41 AM thoughts (via alalae)



3 comments:

  1. I've been silently watching your posts for a while, izzy, and I knew from the start where your progession was going. Namely because that's how it happened for me. I graduated high school and moved out on my own and worked part time while going to junior college and renting a room. I know what it does, and I hate seeing that happen to you of all people. My only advice is to hold on. Do not let go. Keep reading through your posts, seek therapy if need be. But never let go. We believe in you , sunshine

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  2. Oh but Izzy: remember that it's your decision wether you feel happy or not! Happiness is not a destination - you decide if you see the positives in a situation or only the negatives... Yes, it is hard to think that way but it is soooo true! Keep going and look for the positives in everything :) there's also a good e-book i recommend to EVERYONE: "how to build your inner home" by cornelia grismso, you should also check out her youtube channel, she talks about positivity and such things :)

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  3. I'm glad to hear that you're able to draw upon that internal happiness, which is always there even in the darkest of situations --if only one can find it!

    All the best with University and have fun this year :) XX

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