Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Binge eating and all or nothing thinking - lookback post & masterpost

I found this post in my drafts and was written back in 2012 when i was struggling with binge eating. I wasnt so honest about my struggles back then so i never published the post, but now when i read back on it i think its something that needs to be shared.

Somethings i have learnt in my life:

Not eating a slice of cake when its offered because you are trying to save calories or trying to be healthy, but then going home and binging on chocolate is not healthy.

Either drinking no alcohol or drinking everything because you feel you cant have just one or two drinks, is not healthy.

Not eating a burger when you are out with friends because you are scared of the calorie amount and then going around thinking about burgers all the time is not healthy.

Feeling so guilty that you force yourself to run in the cold and dark after eating a proper home cooked meal is not healthy.

Restricting myself in the morning, knowing that i will binge in the evenings is not healthy.

Binging on 'healthy foods' because i have restricted and deprived myself from other food does not make me healthy or make the binges ok.

Eating so much that i feel like exploding is not healthy and purging and starving myself is not healthy behaviours or a way to live life.

Secret eating and eating lots of food when noone is at home and then purging is not normal or healthy behaviour.

Drinking 3-4l of diet soda a day to try to curb my appetite is not healthy.

Written in present time:

When i found balance and no longer restricted myself from certain foods or told myself i couldnt eat anything the binges, the restriction and the guilty feelings started to go away. I struggled with an all or nothing type of think. I thought i was being healthy and saving calories by skipping meals, knowing i would binge later.  I never ate junk food around other people and i thought "im being so healthy", but then i would crave that food so badly that i would buy the food later and eat lots and then purge when no one was home.... or even when family were at home i would purge because of the guilt.

I thought in black and white, if i ate one piece of chocolate i might as well eat the whole thing.... but then that triggered something in my mind and i couldnt control myself, my body wanted more... and i would eat quite huge amounts and then the guilt would overcome me and i would compensate both through purging, laxatives and exercise. On the outside i seemed alot healthier - my weight wasnt so low as it had been before, and when i was others i would still eat... even if i still ate very restrictevely as i knew i would binge later, so i wanted to "save" calories. But on the inside i was struggling so much and i've never been so honest about that period of my life nad something i havent told my family because i was so ashamed of those few months. It was the complete opposite of what i had been struggling with for so many years... suddenly i couldnt control myself around food... or well, in the morning and day i would eat very little but in the evenings i would just eat everything in sight. It was an awful time in my life and the black and white thinking didnt help.... i had to learn balance. I had to learn that eating a slice of cake in the middle of the week was ok, it wouldnt make me fat and it didnt make me unhealthy.... what did make me unhealthy was saying no to the cake when i  was out with my family and then secretly buying a cake and eating the whole thing and then purging... THAT made me unhealthy. If i had just eaten the slice of cake when i  wanted it and been happy with that, then it would have made me healthy.

Though there was the whole trigger thing because of the black and white/all or nothing thinking. I couldnt just eat a little, because then the damage was done  and i might as well eat everything. So learning to change that mindset, but also learning to nourish my body... learning to eat properly throughout the day. Not cut out carbs, not skip sleep, not do too much exercise... all of that helped me to find balance in my way of eating, my way of living and my way of thinking.

It took a lot of time, but the first step was to stop compensating..... you would think that the first step was to stop binging, but i had to go the other way..... i had to stop purging, stop using laxatives and stop exercising to compensate, and that in turn (even if incredibly difficult) made it easier to stop binging because my body was getting the calories and energy it so desperatly needed. And then tyring to balance my food, i focused on eating my 6 meals a day and returning to my meal plan... or well, slowly increasing back to the amount as i had been eating so little during the days, but i got back to my meal plan and with the threat of being back to day patient at Mando as i had lost weight during those months, it gave me motivation to keep fighting the voice in my head.  I knew that the way i was living at that time was not healthy even if i tried to seem healthy on the outside... i thought just eating salad and egg whites for lunch and going for jogs and runs would compensate for the fact that i had binged and purged in the evenings, i thought people would see me and think... she is so healthy, when in actuality i was still so unhealthy and even my salad and egg whites was so unhealthy.

Anyway, there is so much i could write about this topic.... binging, purging, laxative abuse, the secretiveness of binging, going from anorexia to bulimia/binge eating, black and white thinking... and i had written some posts (linked below) but if you want me to write more about my own experience of this, or any advice just let me know.

Because know that you arent alone with your struggles and unfortunatly going from restrictive to binging isnt uncommon, but it is something people dont want to talk about either as it is seen as so shameful. But i want to help as much as i can with my past experiences with everything from anorexia, purging, exercise addiction, self harm, binging, depression, extreme self hate, anxiety etc

If you do the things first written in this post, then please rethink your habits and do seek help!!! If you have developed a new eating disorder or gone from one to another, do seek help and talk to someone!!

Below are some posts related to this topic:

What is binge eating/bulimia and how to recover
Binging - masterpost
Anorexia to bulimia
Helpful recovery posts - masterpost
Binging and gaining weight after weight restoration
A single food wont make you fat or unhealthy
Black and white thinking
All or nothing thinking
Food for thought and moderation


  1. Thank you so much for sharing this post. There is so much shame associated with bingeing and no one ever wants to talk about it, even though it is a VERY normal stage of recovery. I wish someone had told me that. Instead, I viewed it as my worst fears coming true: once I started eating, I would lose that special control and eat everything in sight. I was afraid it would never stop. I fought it and stayed stuck, drawing this period in my life out for YEARS. All the articles and TV stories glamorize the "beautiful destruction" of the starvation period of eating disorders. In reality, the starving is often easier to live in, it is quiet and controlled and all that junk. But bingeing is more difficult, more distressing, more shameful-feeling, more desperate-feeling. And most people live in it alone because they are afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed. I wish more people talked a out it. Bingeing made me miss starving, made me hate and fear food. If someone had told me it was normal in recovery, and that it would stop eventually, maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much time stuck in the madness of binge-compensation cycling. And you are 100% correct: the absolute best way to get through bingeing is to KEEP EATING. Even though it may feel counterintuitive. The o my way to stop is to stop compensating. Once your body and your brain realize that you're not going to starve it again, that the meals keep coming at regular intervals, the need and urge to binge subsides. The weight gain subsides or even drops back down a bit. Its all about getting regulated. And not with "light, healthy" meals - that's not enough! With regular, full meals, again and again and again. It may take weeks or it may take months, but the bingeing WILL STOP. The trick is to not panic, and to know it is normal. Don't weigh yourself. At all. Invest a few months of your life to the process NOW, in return for peace and health the rest of your life.

  2. Thankyou Izzy for sharing this. Again I am amazed at just what you have been through and yet you have come out the other side strong and healthy and with an amazing spirit.