Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, January 2, 2016

Weight gain while your partner / family member tries to lose weight

Hi Izzy - I`m not sure if this is something you can cover in one of your 
posts but how do you manage a meal plan when your partner is on a weight 
loss diet?
When you were in recovery and at home did you eat the same meals as your 
family or did they cook separately for you?
I`m worried how I am going to manage to follow my meal plan and provide a 
weight loss one for him without me myself losing weight too.
Any tips or advice would be really appreciated.
thanks

While I was in treatment and a day patient or when I had permissions home, then I would have to eat the food which my mum madeAnd I used a Mando meter (ypu can read about that in one of my pages [up top]) so that would weigh out the food for me. However my mum and sister didn't eat the same amount as me. It was supposed to be that if I was home my mum would eat meals with me but of course she didn't eat the same as me. I mean I was supposed to gain weight and even if she didn't say it, I know she was trying to lose weight, the same as my sister. I found it tough that my mum would eat a clementine while I sat there with a big bowl of yoghurt,  muslie, sandwiches and a supplement drink. But eventually I realised that I was eating for MY SAKE, I was eating because I needed to gain weight. But also I had to realise that if I was alone I had to eat as well... j couldn't expect someone to always be there to make sure I eat. I had to eat for myself not because I was being forced to.

I also found it tough that my sister went to the gym and ate a lot less than me. I thought, if she can go to the gym and eat less than me,then so can I. But also... if I can't go to the gym I didn't think she should be allowed to go to the gym. There were lots of arguments about this,  but also I complained that my family ate too little when in actuality I was the one who ate too little.

It's about realising that you need to eat for your own sake. For your body. I've had people email me and tell me they have made agreements with their partner or family that if they eat and gain weight their family member or partner (who needs to lose weight) loses weight. However from those who have emailed me, this hasn't worked so well because one or the other hasn't held the agreement or the person with the eating disorder got triggered by the other person eating little.

My best advice would be that  you both eat the same food but different amounts.  And your partner should maybe avoid talking about their weight loss diet if that is something that triggers you. Try eating your main meals together but maybe you can eat snacks on your own as it's usually snacks where there is a big difference in sizes.

But the most important is to try to focus on yourself and what is best for you. It won't help you by losing weight, that won't be healthy for you. While for others weight loss might be the healthiest for them. For you, weight gain and eating more is the healthiest. You can't control others and there will always be people dieting and wanting to lose weight but weightless shouldn't control your life. There is more to life than weight loss and it won't make you happy either.

Also realise that even if your partner wasn't on a weight loss diet he would still eat less than you as you should be on a weight gain diet and increasing your calories.

You can't control what others eat, you just control what you eat and you need to make sure that you ate eating what is best for you. And also controlling your emotions around what others are eating.  A part of an eating disorder can also be controlling what others eat and in recovery it's easy to start controlling other peoples intake as you feel you can't  control your own. But that isn't good, there will always be people eating less or more than you. Some people who choose to eat X or Y or eat X diet or Y diet, but the only thing that will work is to focus on what is best for yourself.

There isn't so much more advice to give... you can always try eating different times but I honestly don't think that is a good idea either as it's important to eat with others and also be ok with people eating different amounts than you. Focus on yourself and your recovery. Set up goals for yourself that keep you committed to weight gain and recovery. 

If anyone has anymore advice please comment below :)

And p.s sorry for the weird bolded section , I wrote this on my phone so couldn't get rid of the bolder section!!

8 comments:

  1. I found that when I was so influenced in my behaviour by what other people are doing/want to do was part of the eating disorder problem. For me, it was part of the voice that said "you have to compare yourself, or you will be nothing. How can you tell if you are good or bad unless you compare yourself and do better than others?"
    That voice is total lies.
    Facing up to my partner eating differently was like facing up to people being different to me, and that being OK.
    Everyone has their own goals and it's wonderful to support others as they try to achieve their goals. We are all worthy of our OWN goals. We are allowed to create and achieve our OWN goals. Other people's goals are wonderful things, and their goals do not stop us or slow us down in reaching our goals.
    I think that the most important thing is for you to decide whether you want to follow your meal plan - do you really want to? If you do, you can 100% find a way of supporting your partner whilst following your plan. Maybe you cannot provide your partner with a weight loss plan because that takes your focus too much away from your own plan. That's ok, they can get their own plan. You can then both celebrate together by doing lovely fun things when you both feel great in your bodies. Really good luck, I'm sure that you can do this!!

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    Replies
    1. Exactly, people have different goals and that's ok. Another person's goal doesn't have to be your own goal... just like if one person achieves something doesn't mean that you are useless if you haven't achieved the same thing. Thank you for your comment :)

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  2. Izzy please make more posts I miss you talking to us on whatever!

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry I haven't been doing so well and haven't felt so creative or inspired to write :( but also not having computer access makes blogging alot harder as I have to use my phone... :/ but I'll try my best to post more often.

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  3. I remember how hard this was in recovery! Luckily my parents were (and are) the most supportive ever so we made a deal that for every meal we had together they would eat the same as me. If i head to have butter on y bread, then they would do it too, even if they wanted something else. If i had to eat x amount of potatoes, they did too. Even when i had to eat 4 or 5 slices of bread +++ they would do the same if i made a big deal about it, even if they weren't hungry, just to show me that it wasn't "dangerous". the extra snacks i had like nuts and nutritional drinks they didn't have to take, but if i got to scared my dad actually drank one with me for support. It did help me a lot. it took some the fear away... and after a while i managed to eat my amount "alone". Wow...seems like another lifetime, but i definitely remember how scary it was!

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  4. Thanks for your advice. I can understand how you felt eating with your family because I feel uncomfortable because I eat dessert and he doesn't, and I have morning and afternoon snack whilst he just has a cup of coffee. I feel I am eating unnecessarily because he isn't - but deep down I know that's not true - its just how I feel. I think I need to adopt the approach that we are both eating for our own goals - so thanks for that. Your advice has made me look at things differently so maybe it won`t be so hard to work the two plans as I thought. Eating different amounts than him is going to be hard but I just need to remember why I`m doing it and why he is doing what he`s doing. Day to day during the week it won`t be so bad because we only get to eat our main meal together, its weekends when things tend to fall apart because I`ve got breakfast and snacks to eat when he doesn't.
    But I`ll get there. its all about adjustment and a change of thought.
    Thanks again!

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  5. Hey Izzy ;) sorry I didn´t manage to comment on your blog the last few weeks, but maybe you also know I at the moment try to gain some weight and get rid of Miss Mager in an inpatient treatment here in Germany :) and I just wanted to say this post is soooooo true and really inspiring for me :) I also had to learn this here in a very strict way and I also really noticed that doing all of this only for yourself is an essential key in your recovery :) i still read your blog as often as possible and I simply again wanted to say THANK YOU so much for such inspiring and motivating posts :)
    Love u hun <3
    Ange xxx

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  6. Hi there, I came across your post last night as I am currently in a very similar position and finding it very hard to deal with.
    I have had anorexia for the past 8 years, since I was 18 and have had spent time in hospital and in day services. I suppose you could say I am in a period of recovery again and have made it to a healthy BMI for the first time in many years.
    My husband has now decided he really needs to go on a diet and needs to exercise more (he is slightly overweight). He is now constantly looking at what he is eating and calorie counting and cutting things out. I know that I need to continue eating my meals and snack to maintain, but finding it very hard when he is eating less than me and avoiding snacks etc.
    Initially we tried to say we would help each other- I would help him to lose and he would help me to gain, but unfortunately as I am sure you all know an eating disorder doesn't really work like that!I have tried to explain this, but I don't think he really understands the difficulty I am facing.
    I have been feeling very tense, angry and guilty these past few days- but it was reassuring to know that other people have had the same experience. so thank you for posting this on here :)
    XX

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