Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, January 31, 2016

Punishing yourself won't change yesterday

A quote I read this morning was: punishing yourself today won't change yesterday.

And I believe more people need to learn and remember this. Far too many people use compensation behaviour to try to make up for what they did yesterday. You ate "too much " and then you decide to eat less the following day or to exercise more. Trying to make up for what you did the previous day.... but you always end up doing the same thing again and then using the compensation behaviour. Punishing yourself for your 'mistake' instead of actually learning from your mistake and trying to solve the problem,not just punish yourself.

If you overeat or binge one day, eating very restrictive the next day won't help you or solve the problem. It will just make you more likely to binge or overeat again, and then the same feelings and anxiety and thoughts will rise again. Instead you need to eat a normal amount,  not try to compensate or punish yourself because it is when you see something as negative and you punish yourself that the negative mindset and connections are made. Food becomes something you want to avoid because you think you eat too much and need to be punished. But you don't need to be punished for eating. Not even if you eat too much.  Instead if you binge or overeat you need to figure out why.... was it stress, tiredness, emotions, boredom, cravings, physical hunger etc and from there learn from your mistake and try to not binge or overeat again. (Though of course people have times they overeat, and it's nothing to feel bad for. But it shouldn't be an everyday thing either)

Realise that you don't need to punish yourself,that is just making you more likely to repeat the same thing again. Instead learning and moving on is the best.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Moving day

Good morning:)

So yesterday was moving day and it was such a long day...and of course i left the packing until last minute.

The morning started with a gym session, and finally i had lots of time... of course a bit of pressure as i had to get home to pack, but i still knew that i had more than 50-55 minutes!! Then home to pack and throw my things into boxes. Though while packing i had a bit of an accident... or well, i was packing things from a bottom shelf and then i stood up too fast and i felt how it all went black and was just spinning and before i knew it i had fainted. I know i have low blood pressure so if i stand up too quickly it can spin, but its scary when it all goes black and you just sort of lose control and you feel the world spinning. Safe to say my mum isnt so excited about me moving away now, but i think i just need rest and sleep. To take a step back and maybe not try to do 150% and 5 things at the same time, neither my body or mind can handle it. But i feel better now anyway, i didnt hurt myself luckily.... ive fainted a few times in my life and once i ended up hitting the back of my head against a doorknob and so there was a huge bulge at the back of my head which began swelling. So it meant to drive quickly to the nearest hospital where i had to have a CT scan to check if anything serious had happened... luckily not, but i still have a small bump at the back of my head, but its better than having some sort of serious brain damage, fracture or blood clot!

Anyway, back to my actual day... I managed to get everything into boxes, move my furniture down to the living room so it would be easier to then move to the van we rented. And then it was just to sit and relax for a while before we then had to get all the items down to the bottom level (luckily there's elevators! 16 flights of stairs isn't fun to try to get heavy furniture and boxes down). We then packed everything in the van, my step dad and sister went in the van and I went with my mum in the car and then when we got to the apartment it was just to begin loading into the new apartment and room and once that was done my step dad had to drive back to Stockholm with the van as we only got to rent it for 4 hours. So then my sister helped me set up my room and pack away my items and my mum went to get take away - sushi for them, chicken for me. And after that I went food shopping. ... and I was so tired that I just sort of wondered around for 20 minutes unsure of what to buy. I mean when I live at home I know the basics are there and I just do "complementary shopping" but now I needed all the basics and all those extra things like oil and salt and not to mention tooth paste,toilet paper, washing powder and dish washing soap (?.. haha what's it called?). But I think I managed to get what I needed, otherwise I'll go back. But it's definitely less fancy food you eat when you are on a budget, but luckily I've always been someone who saves and knows about the cost of things so I'm not so worried about breaking my budget, as long as no crazy bills or accidents happen!!

Anyway, when it was around 9pm my sister and mum left and I was so tired so it was just to fall asleep at once, and then I slept 11 hours I was so exhausted!

Today I'm going to explore where I live, and then as I have no Internet where I live at rhe moment, so I'm going to sit in a library until closing time and then home to just relax before a week of lectures!

So far it doesn't feel so bad, my room mate is away this weekend so I have the house to myself. But that's ok (I haven't even been here 24 hours XD). The worst right now is just that I don't really know where I am... so I'm going to look at Google maps,  do some exploring and then I know I'll feel more at ease when I feel that I can locate myself!! Hahah. This town is still a new town for me and I have only been in the city centre twice... xd

Anyway, this was a long post... but that's because I don't have Internet (just on my phone but not much left as it's the end of the month XD) so I thought I'd write everything at once as I don't know when I'll update again!!!

So have a lovely Sunday :)

Eating when you have stomach pain

As i have written recently - quite a few times - i have had a lot of stomach pain the past few weeks/months. The time of pain that makes you feel uncomfortable, nauseous, cant/dont want to move, and feel like you will throw up.

And it makes me think back to when i was in recovery and how i had alot of stomach pain, going from so little food to quite alot of food and my stomach and digestive system needed to adapt. I was bloated and had alot of pain often, and felt very uncomfortable. Back then i had no choice, i had to eat all my meals no matter how full i was... and if i couldnt eat my meals then they would be replaced with supplement drinks.

Now a days, if i have stomach pain nobody forces me to eat, and that is a good thing because sometimes it just isnt possible to get anything into me with that amount of discomfort. But often i try to eat anyway because i know my body needs it... if i didnt eat each time i had stomach pain then i would have lost alot of weight the past while, but i know that i still need to eat and even more important to fuel myself if i plan to workout...

When i have stomach i try to eat high kcal foods, lots of nuts and dried fruit as they are simple to eat and can often manage some even with stomach pain. Also drinking kcal... i make lattes or home made hot chocolate with 90% soy milk. I eat granola or muslie and things like potatoe salad with quorn products, which are easier to eat than things like chicken, rice, pasta and even eggs are hard to consume when i have stomach pain.

My suggestion would be to make things like woks with nuts and coconut milk, smoothies and milkshakes, nuts and dried fruit, granola with milk and banana, banana and egg pancakes, add sauces to meals, drink milk or juice.

The important thing is to get enough energy into you, but trying to keep the quantity as low as possible. Dont just eat vegetables and drink tea if you know that you arent getting enough energy into you, then its better to go for more high kcal food. Your body needs energy and food everyday. Of course if you have alot of pain and it is stopping you from eating, then go to a doctor... it might be something in your diet that you need to change or something might be wrong in your digestive system/stomach, or maybe its just the initial discomfort of beginning recovery... and if it is that pain, then you just need to keep eating and the pain will go away.

I know its not easy to eat when your stomach feels tight and uncomfortable, but dont skip meals... just adapt them if you have to. But in recovery it is best to try to follow your meal plan, even if you catch a cold or a virus try your best to eat as much as you can.

If the pain is causing you to not eat, then take contact with a doctor, you might need to do tests and get supplement drinks s that you get calories into you. I know some who developed an eating disorder because they had so much stomach pain and discomfort which caused them to not eat, they lost weight and then food became scary and anxiety filled as that was what caused the stomach pain to begin with... even if it might just have been certain foods. But stomach pain is never nice, but it will pass... but if it is long term pain, do check it out!! And try drink calories if you are in alot of pain.

It will get easier and one day hopefully you will be pain free - and i am hoping that is the case for me as well!!

What is a balanced meal?

Question: As written after your previous post, food related topics such as portion sizes and quantities of each food group would be useful to know. Also, when increasing your meal plan do you just eat more of everything on there or are there certain food groups you increase? And what would you call a balanced diet? I know some of this is post recovery stuff but it would be useful to know.


As i am studying nutrition i thought i would try my best to answer this, but also from past experience. 

First off, what is a balanced meal/daily intake varies from person to person and the recommendations are slightly different based on which country you live in, culture and then of course things such as lifestyle and activity. But here in Sweden anyway, the recommendations for healthy people - to have a healthy diet - is that 40-60% of their daily intake should be from carbohydrates, 25-40% should come from fat (i.e monosaturated fats and polyunsaturated fats such as nuts, olives, avocados, seeds and fish such as mackerel, tuna, salmon & omega 3 & 6) & 10-20% from protein.

That is the recommendations for healthy people in Sweden but of course there is also an individual level about what is balanced.

Though i would recommend that each main meal you eat is roughly 50% carbs (bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, bulgur etc etc [Also remember that there are many different types of pasta and rice, things like quinoa or risotto, different potatoes or root fruits etc]), 20-25% protein (lean protein is often best) and 25-30% from healthy fats (either using oil on vegetables or making a salad dressing, or adding nuts or avocado or eating fish with healthy fats etc).


And with snacks try to eat snacks that have all food groups as well - and vary your snacks each day/week. The body feels best when you eat a varied diet and eat different foods, but also then you make sure that the body gets all its vitamins and minerals from the food you eat if you eat varied. If you look at THIS TAG or THIS TAG you can find some snack inspiration.

A balanced intake is eating all the macro and miconutrients your body needs daily. Many people are scared of carbohydrates and think they are what people make you fat, but that is not the case.... no one food makes you fat. You can eat everything in moderation! But also people seem to forget that carbs are so important for the body, for the cells, the muscles, your brain.... your body needs glucose to function properly and it also needs healthy fats and protein for everything to function right in the body, that is why it is important to eat all the macronutrients (and not to forget fiber, very important!! And when you have a bit of a "slow" stomach, it can be good to incorporate some more fiber into your diet ;)) so that your body functions. Cutting out whole food groups wont do you any good.


Quantities i cant really tell you how much, but think carbs 50-60% of your daily intake, fat 25-30% and protein 20-25%. (But you can use this as a basis for your meals as well and then it will be easier). You can look at THIS post (about portion sizes) though as mentioned there, the portion sizes for normal people is different for those in recovery, and suggested serving sizes are not the "end all be all", you can definitely eat more than the suggested serving size.


And when it comes to increasing your intake/food during recovery, i would recommend adding juice or milk to all your meals, it means you wont have to eat such high quantities of food, but also as you reach your goal weight it can be easy to just take one or two glasses of juice away from your diet to create a "balance", or to later on replace those drinks with actual food. Otherwise increase your diet with carbs and healthy fats, usually easier than to increase with protein as protein is so filling... and if you are worried about not eating enough protein, remember that other foods that arent "just protein" have protein as well.... such as certain vegetables, potatoes, beans etc Of course, dont completely forget about protein, as that is helpful for your bones and muscles and protein is needed but not an overdose of protein as some people seem to think/do. Adding nuts and dried fruit or some muslie or granola can be a simple thing to do which will help you but wont make you feel too full.



I hope this helps and below are some other posts which might be helpful:

My meal plan in recovery vs. how i eat now
Hunger and fullness - Mando method
Slow or fast weight gain during recovery











Friday, January 29, 2016

What are some of your weird favourite food combos?

Today I began thinking.... I have such weird food combos, but I am sure I amnt the only one with weird food combos.  So I want to know what YOUR favourite weird food combos are? Or do your family or friends have any that make you think "what"? :)

Some of mine below:

Fries and milkshake

Sweetcorn, raisins and salted nuts

Pancakes (sweet ones) with butter and topping (not so weird, but I eat sweet pancake with savoury topping XD)

Pickles with salted nuts and cream cheese

M&M with popcorn

Celery with peanut butter

Bread with butter and ketchup (XD)

Sweet potatoe and almond butter (not so weird though ) or see potatoe with syrup or honey

Just some of the weird combinations I've eaten -and there are so many more but I forget about them as I just mix food together and hope for the best!!

Friday feeling

Good morning :)


Waking up to that awesome Its Friday feeling!!! I am ready for this day.... or well, as ready as ill ever be with my current situation of not so much sleep. Oh well, ill sleep when im older. Not actually, if there is one thing i hate is the glamorization of little sleep. It is not fun or cool or trendy to sleep 4 hours a night... it is awful and it is tiring and not fun. I want to glamorize sleep... a healthy amount of sleep, because sleeping too much isn't good either unless there is a reason for it due to illness, recovery, or just serious need of sleep. But i want to glamorize and promote a healthy 7-10 hours sleep each night :):) Waking up feeling refreshed and energized, being able to concentrate and focus, and also little to no caffeine...... Thats what i think is cool. Great that i am the opposite of this then? But atleast i have a goal of change and ill get more sleep when i dont live so far from school, then i can atleast sleep in until 6am when i start at 8 and not at 4.30 like now.

So.... Friday!! And today i get the keys, yayy! Tomorrow it will be pack day.... I havent packed anything yet. Ive decided to just tape the drawers of my cupboard i am bringing with me and then my desk drawers.... i dont have the energy to take all the things out and then have to put them back in again and sort through them. And then with clothes i am just going to throw a bunch of stuff in boxes and sort them when i move in and just through some objects or things i think ill need into boxes XD It will be a long day tomorrow....  But hopefully things will go well and there wont be any disasters XD


For now i need to get ready, check my bag and pack with me some lunch and then its off to school i go.... though this is a scheduled post, so it is actually 5.40am when i am writing this XD

I hope you all have a great Friday and a great weekend, do you have any plans for the weekend? :)

During the toughest of times in recovery, you need motivation to keep going

At times it can be hard to choose recovery, or well that is an understatment.... it can be extremely difficult to choose recovery. You know you should, but it doesnt feel worth it, or it feels scary or you dont feel ready. But at times like this you need motivation, you need your reason to recover... your own goal. You need to want to recover for yourself.  But there are so many positives to recovering..... infact, i dont know if there are any positives about being - or staying sick.

Below are some reasons to recover from your eating disorder.

Having normal hunger and fullness feelings and being able to listen to them
Being able to eat food that you are craving and not feel guilty, just enjoy the food.
Being able to live life with all the energy you have
Having energy
Feeling happy
Having goals and dreams
Being able to reach your goals
Being able to think clearly and think about other things than food, exercise, calories (etc etc)
Being able to make rational decisions, and not be influenced by the voice in your head that can make you make choices you dont want to.
Being able to be spontaneous, even if it might not be an everyday thing
Not feeling guilty for eating
Being able to eat with others and enjoy food
Having a life and living, not just surviving
Not having to eat in secret
Not having to walk around with lots of guilt and anxiety over things your eating disorder makes you do
Not compensating for eating - and in turn, not feeling guilty because you have or havent compensated.
To be able to go to school and learn and remember
To be able to read and concentrate again
To be able to bake or cook food and enjoy what you make
Stronger bones
Healthy hair, skin and nails
Being able to have kids in the future
Being able to grow up and experience more
To be able to love yourself
To be able to love others
To feel beautiful
To not let your stomach or any other part of your body define you
To not let a number on the scale define you
To be able to go clothes shopping and not care about size or cry in the dressing rooms
To not care about the number on the scale
To not spend all your time counting calories or weighing food
Not being cold all the time




These are just some of the positives and reasons to recover. Of course, it also means fully recovering from an eating disorder - which is possible. But if you are still in half recovery/half recovered then you might not reach these goals/freedom... you might still be caught up with compensation, food, anxiety, self hatred etc But you can be free from those things. But it is a process which takes time.... which means you go against your eating disorder and go against those things keeping you back from true recovery.

You need reasons and motivations to keep you going. Reasons to make you fight even through the toughest of time.


So...  What are YOUR reasons to recover? What goals do you want to reach?

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Dont wait for changes to happen before you decide to make a change



Often we think... ill wait until tomorrow, ill wait until next week, or next month or next year. Ill wait until i have more time, ill wait until another day..... but how about make a change now? Face the fear now.

Fears dont magically go away, they are something you work on.

Ii know it is overwhelming to do something that makes you step outside of your comfort zone or do something that scares you, but in the long term it will help you. You dont need to do everything at once... but small changes. You are stronger than you think, and capable of the changes... capable of facing the unknown.

Face the fear and push past it. Especially if it is irrational fears.... because you know somewhere that they are irrational, even if they feel strong and so real.

If you are thinking about facing fears or challenges or making changes... do it now. Now is the perfect time, stop saying another day or another moment. Sometimes all you need to do is decide that first time and then the choice afterwards will be easier.

No trains, missed lecture, donuts and snowstorm

Where do i even begin with this day?

Well i can start when the alarm rang at 4.30am... i had roughly 5 alarms this morning as i was unable to sleep last night, so fell asleep around 2am and knew i would have to get up so early. But my boyfriend bought me a radio alarm for christmas and i had used it once before but then it woke my sister as well, but i thought that i needed a backup because if my phone alarm doesnt ring or i sleep through it or turn it off, then i wont wake until far too late. So luckily i got up in time.

And i felt awful this morning. I didnt want to go to university and i had incredible stomach pain, so much pain that i wanted to throw up though i had yet to eat anything. But i knew i had to take myself to school as it was a very important lecture i had to go to... otherwise i would have just skipped today as i felt so unmotivated, tired and in pain. But once i left the house things just went down hill....

Trains weren't going so i had to find alternative ways to get to my destination. The fact that the trains wereny working meant that hundreds of people were affected and i couldnt check the app to see what alternative ways there were. And not to mention that the central station was packed with people and it was almost impossible to make my way forward. But eventually 90 minutes or so later i made it to a station where the trains were supposed to be going from, only to be met by crowds of people who were also stuck waiting there. No sign of trains going and i knew i would be late... so i emailed my teacher that i would be late or unable to make the lecture, which means an assignment at home instead :/ But i stood at the station for a while, thinking i could make it to my second lecture... but the trains were still not going and a taxi would cost around €200, so in the end i gave up and headed to a huge centrum and sat and got some work done and drank coffee  while i waited for my mum to pick me up, as the puublic transport wasnt going as it should and it would take me almost 90 minutes to get home. And i had been trying to get to my university for 2,5 hours.... However i wasnt the only one unable to make the lecture, many others travel from stockholm as well, and they decided to stay at home and study at home, so i am going to do the same thing.

It had been such a stressful morning, and i hate il. i hate when things like this happen. But as i wrote yesterday, everything happens for a reason.

Also, my lunchbox had opened and my bag and myself began to smell of brocolli... hahahha, not a nice smell at all XD


Anyway oday i am going to study and be at home. Get some packing done. And also... donut test!!! Hhhahah, my first Dunkin donuts ever :):) So pretty!! (But so bland.... hahah, the ones i made myself tasted so much better. But this was on my bucketlist :))


Also, i picked up a package.... i bought these peanut butter for €1 each ^_^and then chia seeds and some protein puddings which are a great snack to bring with me!!






Photos taken in my sisters room XD




What not to say to someone in recovery

What NOT to Say When Someone You Love is in Recovery 

1. “You look healthy; you must be feeling better!” “You’re starting to gain weight again.”
 or “You’d look much better with some meat on your bones.”
It’s best not to comment on weight or appearance at all, even if it is well-intentioned. People with
eating disorders may equate “looking healthy” with “looking fat,” and this comment could be
upsetting for them. Furthermore, weight gain doesn’t always imply that they are recovered or
“better.” Full recovery takes quite some time, so even if they look recovered, they may still be
struggling mentally or emotionally. They may actually need additional support during this time as
they adjust to the changes in their body and behavior.

2. “But you’re so thin! Why would you need to lose weight?”
Eating disorders are mental illnesses. Furthermore, this person may have a distorted body image
and aren’t able to see what you see.

3. “If you’d just eat ______, you’d feel better!”
Eating disorders are not just about food. They are complicated mental illnesses, and giving
simplistic solutions can undermine a person’s struggle.

4. “Should you really be eating that?” or “Wow, you ate a lot today!”
People with eating disorders are often self-conscious about their food choices. Don’t shame them
for eating something you consider “unhealthy,” as they may already have reservations about eating
these foods as part of their treatment plan. These comments may trigger them.

5. “I don’t know how you do it—I could never go without eating for that long.”
Eating disorders are not about willpower, they are serious mental illnesses.

6. Comments about your own weight loss or talking about needing to lose weight yourself.
This can be triggering or upsetting for someone with an eating disorder. They might compare their
body size or eating habits to yours, and talking about how much weight you need to lose can
trigger them into using eating disorder behaviors again.

7. “Just snap out of it!” or “Just eat!”
If it were this easy, most people would have “snapped out of it” a long time ago. Be patient and try
to understand the challenges your friend is facing.

8. “Wow, if you think you’re fat then you must think I’m really fat.”
A person’s eating disorder is about him/herself, not you.

Source:http://www.anad.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/What-Not-To-Say.pdf

When to start exercising again after a restrictive eating disorder

This is a question which i often get asked... and it's hard to say when you should. As it's different for everyone. But I would say when you are 2 - 3kg from your goal weight (Healthy weight)

Before that... well if it's any strenuous exercise it can cause more damage than good. I know some people love exercising, because they love it..m not because of any ED thoughts.  But then it should be more motivation for you to gain weight so that you can exercise again. You won't always have 0 activity.  It's just for now and it's important to listen to your doctors and to your body as well.  It takes a lot of energy for your body to gain weight,  so it doesn't help if you are exercising and burning calories.
  
Also It's easy that you begin abusing exercise. To compensate for eating, or to get rid of anxiety or that you end up doing more and more exercise just pushing yourself harder and harder. And that Is not good.
  
Even if you love exercise, don't let it be your only motivation to recover.  Because then its easy to over exercise as it was your only reason to recover.
   Remember that exercise should make your life better... be part of your life. Not the only thing in your life.

When you start exercising again i would suggest only doing light exercise like walks, yoga, leisurly swimming etc... you dont need to go full power and expect to run 10k or to squat 80kg.... You need to take it easy. Build up strength and endurance again. Think about your body, and all its been through. Start taking care of your body and listening to your body.

I know its tough for many to be restricted with exercise but its for the best, and its only for a period of time. Its better that you focus on other things like resting, eating, maybe meeting friends, baking/writing/watching films/playing music etc etc
   

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Random thoughts in my head at the moment

There are so many things I wish I could write on here. So many things I wish I could share, but because of who may read my blog I can't. .... so instead I keep those thoughts to myself. Try to find ways to solve those problems or to not let them bother me.... but there are other things on my mind which I atleast can share on here :)

First off, thank you to everyone who writes to me and says I am an inspiration or says that they find my blog helpful. It means so much to me, but even to those who just write and say that they are here for me. It means so much to me. I am awful at replying, so I apologize for that but know that I read your messages and they mean alot to me :) I know my blogging and emailing hasn't been so great and I feel far from an inspiration,  but I know there are posts in the past which might be helpful!

At the moment I am missing my free time. ... I miss going for walks. I miss having time for long gym sessions. I miss going to the food store and just wandering around, taking my time. I miss not feeling pressed or on a time schedule. I miss not having anything to do (well I always have things to do... but now it's a pressure and a must, more than a choice... though I guess it's still a choice).

I  not ready for school tomorrow... I want a day off.  But that will have to wait until Sunday.  I am moving on Saturday and Sunday I have promised myself - a long gym session at my new gym, walking around the town and figuring out where things are, then some study and then an evening with series. And on Tuesday next week I begin a little later I think, so then a long morning walk hopefully!  I miss nature and long walks so much.... :(

I am excited and nervous to move. So many thoughts I can't even write them all out. ....

Also,  thoughts about autumn. My mum tells me I stress too much, and about things in the future and should instead focus on the now. But one of the worst things is the unknown. ... the waiting. I just want to know now... hahah. But it feels strange but I am already looking forward to applying to a new university in Gothenburg and hopefully get in there..... or I'll continue studying at my current university but then I won't be done studying until 2020 (just to get a legitimate ) and that means that I get accepted spring 2017.... and this uncertainty is stressing me.... so need to figure that out. There is no point worrying or stressing about something that is 6 -12 months away... I have my course to focus on now. I love learning new things, but I've always been someone who just wants to skip all of the school thing and get into doing what I want.... why must it take so long? Though I need to remind myself I'm still young... I mean people are 30/40 and begin studying again as they want a career change.
Everything happens for a reason. And what is meant to happen will happen. That is what I need to remind myself... things don't always go as planned. That's ok!!!

I feel I need this reminder atleast daily at the moment,  hahaha.

Anyway, at the moment it's almost 11pm and it seems to be a restless household tonight. No one seems to be able to sleep and I am super awake... I've tossed and turned for the past hour. To warm and the bed is uncomfortable,  not to mention that my stomach is hurting so that feels uncomfortable. .... 

Also random thought... now whenever I eat I think about what happens in my body. How the food breaks down, what enzymes are used to break down the macronutrient.  What happens, when and why... the different words for all the different happenings. It's so interesting actually, before I just ate.... but now I'm like, my body is breaking down the carbohydrates and in my stomach the food is mixing with the different chemicals, acid, saliva etc etc  haha, feeling nerdy in this subject at the moment.  Just need to get more nerdy wuth chemistry and begin thinking in atoms and molecules and all that again. .... begin seeing items as atoms and molecules and how water changes at different temperatur and such and apply that to food and the body! !

Too much writing, it definitely won't make sleeping any easier. But I thought why not, I can't sleep anyway. All I'm hoping now is that I wake up when the alarm rings... otherwise I will miss important lectures :( :(

Happiness is fragile




Positivity is not always easy. Sometimes it is alot easier to just see the negatives, to allow the negatives to take over, to wallow in self pity and grief. But negativity and always being negative wont help anything. Even on the darkest days i do my best to try to be positive, to get up and try to follow routines.... why? Because i believe it is better to do that - fake it till you make it - than to just sit and let the darkness overwhelm you.

Sitting around miserable all day won’t make you any happier.
— John BoyneThe Boy in the Striped Pajamas


Some readers have called me fake, that i am faking how i am feeling just because i seem to manage life. THat is their opinion, but as written many times before.... mental illnesses show themselves in different ways and not everyone suffers in the same way. For me, i dont think positive thinking will cure everything, but i sure as hell dont think it will make things worse. I think that if you just sit and think negative all the time, you arent even trying to make  yourself better (and i KNOW it is not easy to change negative thoughts, it is something you have to work on all the time and get better at thinking positive). But i want to be the optimistic and positive person, that is my aim and i believe that will get me further in life than just being negative.... such as if something goes wrong, i will find 5 other ways to make things go right, not just see the one way that went wrong and get caught up on that. Even if everything feels negative and dark, i will still find that one positive. It works for me, maybe it wont work for everyone.... but i think it atleast helps somewhat, it cant make things worse anyway, so why not!! I believe in being positive and seeing the best in things... but also allowing yourself to feel angry and sad if that is what is necessary. I mean you cant fake a smile all the time, that is not what positive thinking is about..... its not being happy all the time. You can allow yourself to scream, cry and get angry... but still not give up. Not let the negativity take over, even if you need a few moments to just think "wow everything sucks right now", but then get back on track soon where you begin to see the positives and how you can change things so they get better!!
Mind set is key, and mindset is everything. If you think everything sucks, well then it will.... but if you think, things can get better... then they will!!! Believe you can, believe you can make a change and then you can :)

Not everyone believes in positive thinking, some think its fake... and sure, sometimes you need to go out of your way to find something positive, but i think "why not? its not doing anyone harm". And if positive thinking bothers you or you find people who always try to be positive annoying then ask yourself why..... they arent doing anyone harm. And even if at times it might seem fake, maybe that is what the person needs right then.... to fake some positivity and happiness to eventually be able to make it real!!!


Try thinking positive. Think about the changes you can make to make things better. Think positive about yourself and your life.... try it each day and it will get easier. Just one positive thought about yourself, your situation, your life can make things feel a little bit better :)

ED recovery problems

Switching the subject when people bring up calories and fat









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Stressful morning

Good morning :)

Stressful times right now!! I feel like my work load went from 0 to 100 real quick! 109 A4 pages to read until tomorrow (though I've worked my way through 69 pages already), lots of questions to answer and another 20-30 pages to read in a book I don't even have (bought the books online last week, but they've been delayed until next week i think :/) My tactic right now... read and take notes on the train!! Haha.

This morning is also stressful as I slept through my alarm and woke up 20 minutes before I have to leave I. E I've been awake 10 minutes and need to leave in 10 minutes. Luckily I pack my bag in the evenings, I just throw on some clothes, brush my hair and teeth, drink coffee (before I brush my teeth) and then I'll buy breakfast when I get to school. Today won't be a super long day, I should be home by 4 or 5 hopefully, compared to when I was home after 7 yesterday and left the house before 6am. But it was a good day yesterday, and the masterchef competition I was a part of was fun as well. We got 10 ingredients or so which we had to use and then some other ingredients which would be helpful. We then had an hour to cook as many dishes as we wanted,but had to use all the ingredients. ...and out group decided to make falafel burgers with a cheese inside, salad, some type of vegetable rice (I don't actually know what vegetable it was and forgot to ask) and then baked mango with coconut cream! ! I can say, the food tasted delicious and when the 3 groups placed their food at the front to be tasted you could tell that everyone has an interest in food (and 90% have an interest for working out as well!).

It was fun and I got to talk to some people from my class/group anyway! I had thought about not going at first but I knew it would be a good thing to do... the easy thing would have been to just head home and skip the socialising. I was tired but I knew I would have a good time somewhat and I did! Sl I don't regret partaking in the challenge even if I came home late, tired and very hungry... hahha!!

Today... I'm going to talk to a carrier guidance counsellor/study coach ?, or not sure what to call her. But just talk about what my plan should be for autumn and whether I should try to make my own programme or keep applying for the dietician program, and in other parts of Sweden as well. So hopefully I'll get some good advice,  and after that I'll signing the contract for the room I'm going to rent! ! Until then I've sort of been "holding my breath"... anything could go wrong and I don't want to get my hopes up and then she tells me I can't rent the room. So until I've signed the contract I haven't really been able to relax about that, as I just want to be secure that I have somewhere I can live!!! So hopefully that goes well :)

And then I can come home and just relax for the evening and then 2 more long days at university this week!

Have an awesome day everyone

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

People express concern and love in different ways

It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough.
— Daniell Koepke



I think this is an important reminder - for everyone. Many people dont realise that people show affection and care in different ways... some might not be able to say "i love you", but they can do small, kind gestures which show their love.
Some might not be able to hug you when you are sad, but they can be there to listen to you and to make sure you are ok.
Some might not show anger by screaming and letting their anger show, some might hide it in silence and internalize the anger.
Most people dont ask anyone "how they are doing", mostly because they forget... caught up in their own problems and sometimes because they just dont care. They dont want to hear about someone elses problems so they rather not ask. But that doesnt mean that people dont care... if its the first thing, where people are so caught up in their own problems, then it doesnt mean that they dont care about you or your problems, just that they dont realise others are suffering or struggling as well. But you are allowed to talk about your problems, everyone is, but it is important to remember that everyone has their own struggles in some form or another.

I think it is important for everyone to take time to stop and ask others how they are doing.... because sometimes that is all another person needs. To have someone ask if they are ok, have someone show they care in some form or another.... sometimes just asking someone if they are ok can make a huge difference to another person. Or having someone listen to them..... we all have our daily struggles, some big, some small.... but knowing that others care or others want to help can make things alot easier!!


Sometimes you will be suprised when you truly ask how someone is or if they want to talk, and you find out about things that they never would have said otherwise... for me personally, sometimes it has made me feel guilty for not asking before. I was stuck in my own struggles, but for me personally i think it is so important to reach out to others and ask how they are doing... just to show that i am there for them, and just to be someone to listen and give advice if needed, because sometimes that is all a person needs.

New day and some inside thoughts

Good morning! 

It feels like i have spent 10 minutes just staring at the screen, typing a sentence only to delete it again. Not so sure what i have to write.... yesterday i was filled with words and things i wanted to write about, this morning those thoughts and ideas are gone and instead left with nothing. Like a writers block!

It is back to school today and i have two things "different" things today. My first lecture will be about food planning, registering food and meal plans and counting out the energy of meals and food, and i think we will also get a food scale to weigh our food for 3 days. It might be this lecture or later, not so sure! Then after my lectures are done i have a "masterchef" challenge which is done as a "newbie" thing for our group/class. So we will get ingredients and then in our groups decide on what food to make, then prepare and cook it, dish it up for the judges and then which ever group makes the best dish wins! So that will be fun i hope, hahah!!! Hopefully the ingredients we get will allow us to make something nice and not just something simple like pasta and chicken.... XD

Otherwise, i am now thinking about packing... what do i bring? Tomorrow i am hopefully writing on the contract for a room i can rent for 6 months (will be living with another girl who is also studying). It feels good to have finally found somewhere to live and hopefully next week i will have gotten my stuff into the room and somewhat settled in! I am excited, but my family around me arent...... i guess i should have expected that, but for me its new and an adventure, and of course i am nervous and worried.... i mean i am still living away from home and studying in a town which, before i began studying there had only been there 3 times or so. So it will take some time to get settled in, but it will be nice that i can have my own bed there anyway :) Though as mentioned above, my mum began talking about how she will find it so strange when i am gone, and how sad she is about it... of course she is happy for my sake that i wont have to travel each day, but at the same time she would prefer if i lived at home so she can see me each day. And she also began talking about how many times in her life i have had to be away from home... all the weeks spent with IV treatment in hospital in Ireland, and then with the eating disorder and psychiatric care and tube feeding... and then we moved to sweden and i would spend 6-16 weeks (i.e 1-4 months) as an inpatient and away from home. And all she really wanted was to have me close to her.... it felt so strange hearing that, as i have always just presumed that they have wanted me to move out as soon as possible - maybe because that is what I have always wanted. Since i was 16 i have talked about moving away from home as soon as i could, so i guess i just presumed that my family wanted me to leave as well... not the case. Or not my mum's case anyway!

I always find it strange to hear things like that... to hear that people care about me?  I guess i just have a shell around myself and tell myself that people dont like me... not even my family, not my boyfriend, not my friends. That i am just there and people accept me, but would prefer if i wasnt there... or well, wouldnt notice if i wasnt there. So then suddenly when someone tells me that they care i find it strange, which is even more strange as that is not how it should be.... but oh well. I guess i am learning that people actually care about me and one day maybe it will be something i believe.


Anyway, this post has gotten far too long and you have gotten some new info about me, haha. I dont think i have shared that before ?

For now, it is time to drink up my coffee and go!!! :)


Keeping up with routines and your meal plan during the weekend

How do you keep to a meal plan schedule at weekends - ie when your normal routine of the day changes? I ask because this happens time and time again and I`m fed up with it. I have a pretty good meal plan routine during the week and it works well for me but at the weekend it all gets thrown in the air. Snack times become later or not at all because we are out and the same goes for meal plans. I am supposed to bedrest in the afternoons but this gets later or not at all because my partner wants to be out doing things and he gets a bit uppity if I don`t join in. How do I become more flexiable and manage to keep things on track? I am beginning to dred weekends because come sunday evening I often feel so awful and tired because I haven't managed to stick to things.




First off i would talk to your partner. If he supports and loves you, he should understand that right now you have a plan to follow and that includes eating certain meals at certain times and also resting. If you were sick with the flu or if you had a broken leg, im sure he wouldnt force you out to do things, and it should be the same now. .You are recovering, just like when someone recovers from a virus, they need food and rest. So talk to your partner, make him realise that for now you still need your weekday routines even during the weekend.

Of course you can still be more flexible, and maybe do something different on the weekends, but just make sure to have snacks with you or plan to eat meals in cafes or restaurants. It is ok if you eat meals a little later than usual, but you shouldnt skip meals, instead fit eating into your plan of the day. You might need to eat differently if you are bringing meals or snacks with you, or if you are eating out... but make sure to eat enough, and dont overexert yourself either. If you are tired, tell your partner that. You have the right to feel tired, your body is going through alot and you also have a mental fight which takes alot of energy. He shouldnt get irritated or angry just because you dont want to do things, your energy will come back and also when you have more balance and health in your life, then you can focus on other things and not just eating and resting. Then you can eat different foods, different amounts and different times and dont need as much rest, but that is later on in recovery.

I would suggest, talk to your partner, ask him what he has planned or wants to do during the weekend and then plan together how you will fit in your meals and enough rest time. And maybe tell him that for now you would prefer to just have relaxing evenings at home so you can rest, but in the future there will be more opportunities to do stuff. Work together and plan, but remember your recovery comes first!!! Dont put that second place, your partner should understand that... or atleast be willing to understand and support you!

Also when it comes to weekends, then you might be invited away to different things such as dinners, parties, going to the cinema, walking lots or doing other stuff and then it is up to you to make sure you stick to your plan somewhat. Of course if things dont go as planned, thats life and you always have the next day to make things better... but just because it is the weekend and you have more free time or different routines doesnt mean that you just give up on your progress or recovery plan. For example, if you know you eat breakfast at 7.30am each morning, so that you have time to also eat a morning snack and lunch, but then on the weekend your partner wants you to sleep in... then allow yourself to sleep in if you want to, but also make sure to eat all your meals.... and if you cant do that because you get too full. Then explain to your partner, why you cant sleep in.... recovery shouldnt be compromised on, and even if it seems very rigid and strict, eventually you can loosen up and you dont have to eat breakfast at the same time each day, you can sleep in and eat later or eat brunch instead of breakfast and lunch seperatly. Just live more freely and not as strict, you dont have a recovery plan to follow.... but while in recovery, following the plan is a good idea, but maybe make a little room for change i.e eating later or different during the weekends if it needs be. But people around you should understand if you are open about the fact that you have an eating disorder and are recovering... if you arent open about that that, then people wont understand what you have to eat a snack at 3pm precisely, or why you need to eat certain foods etc


I hope this helps!! Try to stick to your plan even during the weekends, but life should be lived as well!