Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, December 24, 2015

The desire to be thin

I guess another "proper" question is how do you start to accept there will always be people thinner than you? I am very aware of how fat I am and how much fatter I will be if I gain to a healthy weight, but I really struggle because it seems to "unfair" that others are so thin and yet healthy weights. Or even not healthy. Does that make sense? Does the desire to be a skeleton diminish?

First of all, i dont think you are fat.That is just what the voice in your head is telling you. But  if you actually were 'fat'.. so to say overweight, you would not be told to gain weight. But you need to gain weight, and there is a reason for that - You are underweight. You arent fat now, and you wont be fat when you have gained weight. I know those fears, i had them myself.
  But a good question is to ask yourself, why are you so scared of being 'fat'? Is fat really so bad?

And like you said, there will always be people who are thinner than you, jjust like there will always be people who are bigger than you, taller than you, shorter than you etc There is nothing you can do about that apart from be happy with yourself and your body.
    You need to learn to stop comparing yourself to others. Just like i said in my previous post, there will always be people dieting, tryingt o lose weight. But you need to focus on yourself and your OWN goals. Not what everybody else is doing, or how others look.
  You need to realise that yo uneed to be a healthy weight to function properly. A healthy weight does NOT mean over weight or fat. You need to fight those thoughts, because they arent true.
The desire to be thin fades as you learn to love yourself... when you learn to accept your body, accept the way you look and love yourself, then you stop looking at others and comparing yourself. You dont want anybody eelses body. There are times you might feel awful in your body and think, 'wouldnt it be great to look like XXX' but those thoughts dont take over your life, they are not common thoughts.
  Alsso when you find a reason to live.  When you feel happy, when you have a hobby or activity which you enjoy doing then you stop looking at your body, just thinking of the way you look... but instead you do this thing/or things which you love... it gets you out of the house, gets your doing something. And you learn to love life.
And when you love life, you dont feel the need to change yourself, your body or your life. Though once again, there are times when you just wish that you could have sombody elses life.

You need to fight the thoughts and the desire to be skinny... ask yourself, What do i get out of being skinny? Am i happier? Am i healthier?Was i living life to the fullest and enjoying it? Was i happy in my own body, or was ai constantly trying to change myself... comparing myself to others?
  You need to realise that being healthy is ALOT more important than being skinny.

There are people who are naturally very skinny and you might think thats unfair, but thats life. And you need to learn to love yourself ando not care so much about how others look.

And yes, there willl alwauys be others who are sick. Who are struggling with an ED. And i wish it wasnt that way... but it is. And you might feel jealous, wonder why someone that skinny is allowed to be walking around town, while you have to gain weight? Yes, i had those thoughts when i was sick.
  But ask yourself, how happy are those people really? They are going through the same hell which you are... but you are closer to recovery. You are closer to getting your life back. Its har dto recover, but its worth it. And you need to fight all those types of thoughts, fight the desire to be skinny and instead focus on life and healthy. Because it does get better and it does get easier!! So focus on that instead!!


  1. I used to feel just like this. I was almost angry with people who were naturally skinny, because even if I did everything right with diet and exercise, I still couldn't be as toned or skinny as them when they ate junk food. It seemed so unfair. But you know what, there were about five out of one hundred girls who are naturally thin. They were the minority. The majority of people are a normal weight. I've noticed that peole don't notice your size nearly as much as you do. Especially guys- they see skinny, healthy and overweight. Although what guys think about your body shouldn't matter, I did find it interesting. For example, when I was recovering and my BMI got back to an acceptable 'healthy point' (of around 18- which is the lowest for healthy) I still gained more weight and guys didn't even realise I had put on over 5 kilograms (sorry for the numbers). Friends don't notice or care about those extra kilos that you can't stand. They notice when you say 'no thank you' to going out for dinner because they know you're scared of ordering out; they notice when you won't wear a bikini to the beach because you're too embarrassed; they notice when all you can talk about is food- food that they know you're not going to eat; they notice when you turn down an ice-cream on a hot day and everyone else is getting. I also have a friend who is naturally very skinny. She looks anorexic although she eats a lot and doesn't exercise. And you know what- she hates it. No-one finds it attractive and it really upsets her when strangers tell her that she should eat more- because she does eat and lots of it too! Being skinny is over-rated. It's a full time job and even those who are thin aren't happy about it. During high school, I focused more on my weight than my academics and only in my last year did I set my priorities straight and focus on my academics. I gained weight over the exams and now I'm writing my SATs and applying to colleges overseas- so I haven't been exercising as much and I haven't been sleeping properly and I have been eating more. I have gained weight but not much at all and to be honest, you learn that there are more important things in life to worry about. I hope you are able to find something in your life that treats you well and that isn't just based on looks. An eating disorder is like being in an abusive relationship. All they do is take, while you give and you deserve more. You deserve better.

  2. I get really jealous of how others look i was triggered this morning cos a girl in my yoga class is so tiny, she's muscley and toned but very very thin. i couldn't help it but i couldn't stop staring and i felt angry that she can be thin. but i also am jealous of people who are technically heavier than me (i know they are yet i feel bigger) cos i so want to look like that too. so I'm being pulled both ways wanting to be heavier but also wanting to be thinner too