19th December and I guess the countdown to new years and Christmas can begin, almost anyway!! Though I'm just taking each day as it comes and not thinking so much about tomorrow or what will happen in a weeks time.
This post is going to be some of my thoughts, just what is on my mind right now as I feel a need to formulate my thoughts and then be able to think more rationally. When I keep my thoughts to myself it is so easy that they just become so irrational and overpowering that one little thing turns into something bigger than what it actually is and I just become overwhelmed when maybe all I needed to do was think rationally.
As I've written many times before a fear of mine is ending up back in hospital - and this is due to all my inpatient stays as a child and during my eating disorder. But the fact that I have CF (cystic fibrosis) means that I can't avoid hospitals and only if I'm lucky can I avoid inpatient stays. And I have been lucky because since I've moved to Sweden I haven't had to be admitted as an inpatient due to my CF, even if I have been threatened with it several times. But in Ireland I spent 2-3 month each year as an inpatient and 2-3 months at home sick, so basically 50%+ of my time was spent sick. But I think as I've kept myself so active and especially with my running I've been able to keep my CF health on top. But I remember back in 2013 when I began cutting down my cardio as I was doing far too much of it and focusing on strength training, then I began finding it hard to breathe again and eventually I realised I couldn't do absaloutly no cardio as that just made my CF health worse. And then breathing got easier again. But ever since my half marathon I sort of lost motivation to run. I did do more races which I enjoyed lots, especially the Nike run but after the Nike Run I lost pretty much all running motivation. And only did a few runs when I really felt like it.... but since then (around April/May) my CF health has gone downhill and as it is has gotten harder to breathe it's been harder to run, so it's just been a dark circle. Of course I still do some form of cardio through WOD's, circuit's, powerwalking etc but then there is also the fact that with my low mood (or what to call it.... Depression, I don't know) I've had times I haven't been able to get out of bed or do my CF care wuth inhalers and such, but also i have been so extremely forgetful with medication and it's just been one bad thing after another in a way.
I think mostly what my problem is, is that I felt I was done with hospitals. Done with sickness, done with being the sick person and I don't want to go back to that. Even if it is due to an illness I was born with and even if I did everything 100% right there would still be chance that it wouldn't be eniugh and would still end up in hospital. And that's what I find so hard to accept. Of course now I can't blame anyone but myself for my carelessness and not taking care of my CF care the way I should. But I find it hard to accept that I could do everything right and still end up in hospital. But I guess the chances are lower if things are done properly.
But now I just feel like enough is enough. It's hard enough to struggle with mental health, I don't need to put my physical health at risk. I know that if I focus 120% on my CF care then things can get better and I am going to go my absaloute best to think more positive and be more positive!!! I want change abs I don't want to feel this way anymore. Angry, sad, anxiety, hopelessness.... I don't want it anymore. But also I want to be able to breathe properly, not feel like there is a belt around my chest which prevent me from breathing. And I want to be able to run without feeling like im hyperventilating because I can't get enough air. So time for change and it's only me who can make things better for myself and that is my plan. Sometimes I just need someone to give me a sort of "either or" or tell me the consequences so I can try realise I need to change.
Day one of change, hahah. First writing out my thoughts. 2) cf care. 3) some interval training 4).positive thinking all day 5) going to do something fun and what I enjoy today such as baking!!!
Also starting my day with a delicious breakfast, always the best way to start my day!!!