Sometimes you can't quite formulate the words in your mind. There is so much you want to say but it all tumbles out at once and none of it seems to make sense. That is pretty much how I feel right now, and with this post I am going to try to somewhat formulate my thoughts.
This morning I woke up to the news that a friend of mine died due to cancer. It feels strange, not quite real. ... it doesn't feel right. She was only 19 and there is so much she will never get to experience or see.
It's strange because death is all around us.... all the time. And when I think about it, it makes me sad.... I wish I could stop all the death, but at the same time it never really hits you as hard or makes you realise that people are actually gone, until it's someone you personal know and/or care for.
One thing which adds to the sadness and my racing thoughts is 1) how I suddenly feel so silly. As if I am just a silly girl who wants to throw away my life.... here I am, not "physically sick" but wanting to throw away my life? When death seems so appealing (granted, I don't feel this as much right now, those strong feelings have gone away since starting with a medication). There are people who get illnesses and have no choice whether they die or not, and of course depression is also an illness.... but for some reason it doesn't feel as valid. But it personally makes me feel silly for wasting so many years of my life wanting to end it..... I'm not scared of my own death, it doesn't scare me. And I've often thought it would be better if I was dead, but then when someone I know passes away I realise just how silly those thoughts are. Because even if it feels like people would move on and not care, that wouldn't be the case..... there would always be a thought or a whole that can't be filled. There are still times I think about people in my life who have passed away, how I miss them and wish they were still alive today.
I don't think death is something we should get to choose. No matter how tough life is I don't think it's our choice to make. And this comes from someone who has tried taking my own life and also thought about death and killing myself for years in total. You have this one life to live and it may not be awesome now, sometimes you go through hell and everything is awful, but life can still get better. Always. But if you sit around for months or years and ask yourself why nothing gets better and you don't proactively try to make it better, then you just have yourself to blame. There is so much in life to experience and things to be alive for. ... it may feel hopeless right now but things can get better. Don't ever give up on life.
I know that mental illnesses aren't a choice, but recovery is. Of course it's not just that you choose recovery and walk down a smooth past. Recovery can take years and has lots of ups and downs, but compared to some.... you still have a choice to recover, others don't. Eating disorders kill and if not, they ruin lives. And do you really want to spend your life just waiting and wishing to die? Will a few extra kilo, a week without exercise, more food, really be that bad compared to the alternative?
Also, one thing I am proud of is how far I have come. How I have managed to fight myself free. From the girl who had tube feeding and sat in a wheelchair. The girl who hid food, cried and locked myself away because I was forced to eat. I fought myself free from that and it was hard. It took alot of time but it was worth it. SO WORTH IT. The fat on my body is what keeps me warm and healthy, my strong legs mean that I can run and walk, my strong arms mean that I am capable of lifting things and being able to do whatever I want to do. My stomach keeps my organs safe and keeps me alive. The food I eat keeps me alive and functioning.
I am proud of my recovery from my eating disorders, for finding my balance and healthy. Because even if I suffer from depression at times (makes it sound like a week thing, that is not the case), I know I can get through it just like everything else in my life. Operations, car accidents, near death due to my eating disorder, suicide attempts. .... I can get through whatever in my life.
Another thing also (as this post is already so long) is that I also have an illness which is inherited and something I have no choice over. I can not choose recovery, I can just hope that there is enough funding so that doctors can find a way to make gene therapy work so they can get rid of cystic fibrosis in the future generations. For me there is no cure. I have no choice over my illness, I can do everything right and take all my medications but I can still end up in hospital or end up so sick I need a lung transplant. I have no choice over whether I lose my hearing or eyesight due to my CF (and medication I need to take) or whether I end up with diabetes due to my CF. I can do everything right but still end up sick. In the past people with CF had a life expectancy of 20-30 and that terrified me, because even if I wanted to die... I wanted to die at my own terms, not due to my illness. Now however the life expectancy is alot better but still only around 40-50 (for those lucky few they can still live a happy and long life).
It makes me proud over what I have overcome and even if I still have one mental illness I know it can get better, or that's what I tell myself and I refuse to give up. Because as said, I have no choice to recover from my CF, but I do have a choice to recover from my mental illness... even if it's not easy, it IS possible.
This post was long and just my morning thoughts. Death is such a large topic and I can't even begin to write all my thoughts about it. But for now I will leave it here and instead say, make a change in 2016.
You have not choose your illness but you sure as hell can choose recovery. Don't waste your life and don't throw away your life.
There are people who have no choice over their illness or death and even if it feels like you have no choice, you do. All illnesses are serious, one way or another, so you can't compare them. And eating disorders are serious illnesses but you can recover from them and it's something YOU get to choose to do.
Because in the end, isn't weighing more, being able to live life and having energy worth it and better then being underweight, tired and constantly cold?
Make a change in 2016. You don't get to choose your own death because unfortunately that is one of the most selfish things you can do (and that is a reminder for myself ), because there are people who do not get to choose whether they live or die or recover from their illness or not.