Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Like a constant internal screaming

Somedays are worse than others.

Somedays there is like a constant screaming inside of me. This feeling of needing to get away and to crawl out of my skin... not because of body hate or feeling fat, but more that there is this creeping inside of me. Like ants crawling and I just need to get out of my skin.

But I sit there.... sit there and all the while the panic building up inside of me. "I don't want to"..... I don't want to what? I don't want to do anything. .... I just want to stop feeling, but all I can think is I don't want to. And I can barely speak because the darkness seems to be taking over and the panicked feelings..... what am I panicking about or why do I feel this need to escape and crawl put of my skin. I can't answer that, but all I want is to be left alone. To not talk to anyone,not see anyone and not be made to do anything.

But how can I tell people around me that even if I look calm I am falling apart inside and panic is up to my throat, and I can't even tell you why I'm panicking,just that I am. How can I tell people to leave me alone when I already push them away enough as it is. Sometimes I wish people could read my thoughts just so that they would understand and I wouldn't have to explain. But at the same time, it's kind of nice that not everyone knows my thoughts. ... not sure what chaos it would cause if people could read minds.

I'm writing this post to express myself.  Because at the moment I more than ever need to put words to my thoughts bht more importantly,  words to my feelings.... try to rid myself of the panic and the intense dark feelings.  Instead of talking to people I write and this time I choose to write a post instead of just scribble things on paper or write words on my arms. 

The darkness will pass, but at times it is terrifying to feel such strong feelings and most of all, a panic for something unknown.

Right now I just want to be left alone and to try to focus on calming things such as colouring and listening to a podcast. But i've made plans.... so off to those :/:/

Hopefully this evening will be better or atleast focus on making tomorrow better! Always something positive in the darkness I guess...

6 comments:

  1. Oh Izzy, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I can sympathise with you, as lately I have been feeling the same way - so please know that you are not alone. Also, I am so happy that you are expressing yourself on your blog. Although you feel that you need to support all of your readers, we are also here to support YOU, and it is important that you express your feelings no matter if they are good or bad - it's good to get things out there. I hope that you feel better soon and know that we are all here for you. Also, remember how wonderful, kind and giving you are - I know that you may not believe it, but many people think you are! Lots of love and hugs xxx

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  2. Well, I am a Senior and still struggling with the wt. and food. I gained some, but not can't move forward - still extremely thin and since I am older, I look fragile. how can I stop letting the mind win out and tell me not to allow pleasure and food and that I will not get fat which of course is an anorectic's fantasy.
    help with any comments.

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  3. So sorry you are feeling this way. I'm not sure if it helps to feel this, but you, and your openness on your blog, has helped me so much with my recovery. I hope knowing how much strength and inspiration you give me, and many others, helps you when you are feeling low. XXX

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  4. Hi Izzy, I get that. I'm so sorry to hear about it, and e with yourself so that you will recover your happier moments. xxx

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  5. Hi Izzy, So sorry to read this, but pleased you have been able to share. Like you say, you know it will pass so just try and hold onto that (which I know is almost impossible at times). You are amazing and inspirational to so many. Thank you again. My thoughts are with you. xx S

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  6. <3 <3 <3
    I think you're an amazing person, just so you know. And this will pass. I'm thinking of you, okay? <3

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