Somedays are worse than others.
Somedays there is like a constant screaming inside of me. This feeling of needing to get away and to crawl out of my skin... not because of body hate or feeling fat, but more that there is this creeping inside of me. Like ants crawling and I just need to get out of my skin.
But I sit there.... sit there and all the while the panic building up inside of me. "I don't want to"..... I don't want to what? I don't want to do anything. .... I just want to stop feeling, but all I can think is I don't want to. And I can barely speak because the darkness seems to be taking over and the panicked feelings..... what am I panicking about or why do I feel this need to escape and crawl put of my skin. I can't answer that, but all I want is to be left alone. To not talk to anyone,not see anyone and not be made to do anything.
But how can I tell people around me that even if I look calm I am falling apart inside and panic is up to my throat, and I can't even tell you why I'm panicking,just that I am. How can I tell people to leave me alone when I already push them away enough as it is. Sometimes I wish people could read my thoughts just so that they would understand and I wouldn't have to explain. But at the same time, it's kind of nice that not everyone knows my thoughts. ... not sure what chaos it would cause if people could read minds.
I'm writing this post to express myself. Because at the moment I more than ever need to put words to my thoughts bht more importantly, words to my feelings.... try to rid myself of the panic and the intense dark feelings. Instead of talking to people I write and this time I choose to write a post instead of just scribble things on paper or write words on my arms.
The darkness will pass, but at times it is terrifying to feel such strong feelings and most of all, a panic for something unknown.
Right now I just want to be left alone and to try to focus on calming things such as colouring and listening to a podcast. But i've made plans.... so off to those :/:/
Hopefully this evening will be better or atleast focus on making tomorrow better! Always something positive in the darkness I guess...