Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Recovery

Sometimes i so badly want to help people but feel so lost for words. How can i make someone understand that life without an eating disorder is better? How can i make someone stuck in the darkness and grips of an eating disorder understand that food isnt the enemy. That hating your body and spending years trying to change your body wont make you happy. How can i make someone so deeply afraif of food, so deeply afraid of bodyfat understand that food is something delicious and can be enjoyed. But also that body fat is necessary and having a healthy body fat percent is important. How can i make someone who hates their body learn to love their body? How can i help someone who hates life, hates themselves and hates everything learn to love life and learn that they will love themselves and their body someday?

It is tough because the truth is, the only way to get better is to face your fears. The compulsions and fears holding you back, you need to face them. Even if that feels like running into a brick wall, eventually that brick wall will disappear and you will realise on the other side is much better, but you just need to break down that wall. It might feel impossible and you might not want to break down that wall because you dont know what is on the other side. It is not always roses and unicorns on the other side, but it will definitely be better when you learn to love yourself and most importantly, learn to cope with life.

Recovery is about learning to cope and facing your fears. If you are scared to gain the last few kilo then ask yourself why that scares you and what you can do to overcome that fear? What is the worst thing that can happen? If you are scared of takinga  restday and think that your body will expand and you will gain 5kg overnight ask yourself is that actually reality or just a fear? What will happen if you rest... even if it may feel like the anxiety is eating you up from the inside, it wont kill you. However your eating disorder will.

If you think you arent sick enough or not underweight enough (or even if you arent underweight at all) that doesnt mean you arent sick. There is no sick enough, an eating disorder is a mental illness and you can still struggle even if you have a healthy weight. You need to realise that if you are struggling with food, compensating for eating or feeling very guilty before/during/after food then that is not normal and you need help.

I wish there was a magic cure, but there isnt. It is about facing fears and being able to cope with the anxiety and all the while knowing that each time you face your fears and fight your eating disoder, YOU become stronger. It gets easier and even if you relapse, you can still pick yourself back up and keep fighting, that is what you need to do.

Know your fears and ask yourself do you want to let them control you forever? What is the worst thing that can happen if you go against your eating disorder?

I know it can feel like being fat or overweight are even worse than death, but just think about how silly that sounds. You wont be fat by gaining a few kilo and in the end, fat is NOT a bad word. It is a definition, just like skinny, tall or short. Fat is not a bad word, everyone has fat on their bodies. Just like everyone has hair, and nails and fingers and legs, but that doesnt make you ugly or something that repulses you. So why would having fat on your body repulse you? It is nothing to be repulsed by, it is how your body keeps you ALIVE, warm and functioning, and that is a fear you need to overcome if you are scared of body fat.

And the number on the scale, it is just a number. That number does not matter, what matters is that you are healthy and functioning, both mentally and physically. There is so much more to life than calories, macros and weight. You need to realise these things, realise that your eating disorder is holding you back from life and truly living. But the only way to get back your life is to overcome the fears and things holding you back. No one else can do that for you. It is tough and it might feel impossible, but it isnt impossible. You CAN recover but then you need to decide that you want to and need to recover. It is an everyday choice, a choice you make at every meal time. A choice you make when you know you could skip a meal or you know you could exercise or you know you could purge. It is a choice you make when you havea  choice between your eating disorder and real life, and you need to make the choice that will give you more life.


It is tough and i wish that i could help you all, i wish that i could just make you all understand but i know that that isnt easy. It was super difficult for me to understand the things i now know, it was a process of learning from mistakes and daring to make a change. Daring to go against my eating disorder and basically jumping into the darkness. I did not know what awaited me. I did now know what would happen after recovery but i thought it has to be better than an eating disorder. It was tough and there was times it was easier to not choose recovery, but i knew i had to because if i choose my ED just once again i would give it strength to grow again, when it was ME who had to grow and become stronger.

You need to recover for yourself, for your own life and know that the fears are keeping you back from living. What is the worst thing that can happen? Most fears are often just irrational and can be overcome and they have to be overcome by YOU, no one else can make you overcome your fears. And no one can make you recover, you need to be the one recovering for yourself.

4 comments:

  1. Izzy, this is exactly what I feel I want to say to YOU when I read about you being so scared of opening up and speaking to your family about your feelings, putting it off till you speak to someone, and so on. "Sometimes I so badly want to help people but I am lost for words. How can I make someone understand that opening up and talking to people is better..." As you say in your last paragraph, you need to want it for you, "and know that the fears are keeping you back from living"....
    Your blog is wonderful and so are you. Take care. I hope you have a good evening tonight, I really do, full of peace and sweet dreams after last night's nightmares.

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    1. I guess it's hard to help someone if they don't want to help themselves or don't want to face their fears.

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  2. So true! It is only when one changes what they're focusing on, can then the healing begin and all that was negative alters. A kind of new clarity or reality, of why one was stuck in a constant circle of negative/ destructive thoughts and behaviours.

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