When it comes to studying I am an all or nothing person. Either I study 5 hours or nothing. ... I cant do just 20 minutes. My "little" is 3 hours minimum... though I guess it depends what I am doing as well.
But i've realised what I relief it is that I am just studying maths as I have no idea how I would manage to courses at the same time, not when they are this fast paced anyway. This course requires a lot of work in free time. So doing a little (or alot) everyday is what is required and so far it's working because today things started to click and feel clearer.
So after my 4,5 hour maths course I headed to the store, bought a salad and a mix of chocolate covered raisins and salted nuts and then took the bus to the library where I sat from 1 until 5pm. I.e 8 hours of maths today... With a few breaks here and there to stretch my legs or answer an email. Though I must say, it has been such a relief to not really answer emails recently. To not feel guilty over it and just allow myself to not answer emails.... I just don't have the time or energy for it. And I do feel guilty over it, but I need to remind myself that alot of information is actually on my blog abs otherwise you can comment and I can try to answer you there. But it is very hard to answer 20 essay long emails per day or keep answering the same questions over and over. And it has taken alot of stress from my life though I got around to answering a few emails today, but it isn't a priority in my life at the moment. I just don't have the time for it.. as you can tell, doing 8 hours of maths, barely eating today and getting home 11,5 hours after leaving... my first option isn't to start answering a bunch of emails. Though of course my life isn't always like this, bit it can be hard to find the energy or time for it regardless.
Anyway, when I finally left the library because it was closing it was also rush hour on public transport. And if my bag wasn't so heavy I would have walked home, but instead I had to stand practically breathing down people's necks and squashed against loads of strangers.... rush hour is never fun and I try to avoid it as much as possible. Also not to mention that people are so inedible rude... shoving into me, walking into me and not eve apologising. .. Sometimes I wonder about people. I mean I get it, you want to get home or you have somewhere to be, but you don't need to shove people to get somewhere. ... I mean the doors aren't going to open quicker just because you shove.... oh well.
Now anyway its food and a walk with Daisy to street my legs and then sleep because tomorrow is another long day of maths studying.
as a healthy reader concerned about you in your ongoing, brave struggle with depression, is there anything i can do to help or support or encourage you in your efforts to find a therapist?
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