Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Keeping myself distracted and busy so that I don't have to deal with how I am actually feeling
This is an important which I think I need to write about, for my own sake... to make me realise something about myself.
Why do I always like being busy? I like always having things to do.... If I could I would fill my days from 6am until 9pm with things to do. Not necessarily being with others, but I would work. ... I like studying because it makes me sit and focus on that. I like when I have places to be and things to do, even if it causes stress it has me doing things.
On Monday I began thinking, wow... I haven't felt so bad today. But then I realised the realise I haven't felt so bad is because I haven't been able to think about it.... I've done things all day and it's not until you are stuck with yiur own thoughts that you realise you aren't ok.
I say I like being alone but the fact is. ... I am never really alone. I watch series,I listen to music, I listen to podcasts. Even when out walking I fill the silence with other things so that I don't have to think.... so that I don't have to feel. I distract myself so I don't have to be honest with myself. I distract myself so that I don't have to face the truth.
Because if I can keep myself busy enough, distracted enough and not just sit in silence, alone with my thoughts... then I can convince myself that I am feeling ok. I can convince myself that I don't need help because "I don't feel like jumping infront of a car or train today". But what I am doing is running from the truth, distracting myself and keeping myself busy enough so that I don't have to feel my feelings, so that I don't have to face the truth. If I feel ok, keep myself busy then I can tell myself that I don't need help and nothing is wrong with me.
When you struggle,it's easy to do this.... try to tell yourself that you don't need help, because you manage life ok. You work or study or both, you can socialise at times or maybe all you do is socialise.... a way to keep yourself busy from how you are actually feeling. Because you know that if you lie down and just lie in silence with your thoughts then you will never want to get up. So you keep distracting yourself so that you don't have to feel.
They say it's good to be alone, it's good to be able to just be alone with yourself. But the honest truth... can I do that? Can I sit in silence and do nothing. ... not colour, not listen to music, not blog, not check social media.... just sit in silence. I can't do that because then the thoughts come rolling in.... then the fear hits and I want to fall apart and break down. So as long as I don't have to do that I feel like I can manage. But all I am doing is running... hiding from the truth.
It is scary to make these types of realisations, that I keep myself busy so that I don't have to feel. Because when I am just alone in silence then I will break apart, I'll cry and just want to give up or I will spend hours just lying down and staring at the wall... stuck in my own head and that terrifies me. There have gone days where I haven't answered my phone the whole day because all I have done is just stare at a wall, consumed by my thoughts and the darkness and all I reply with "I was busy." "I fell asleep" or "I didn't check my phone". When the truth was much darker than that.
It's scary to hit publish on these types of posts, just like when I opened up about the fact that I was struggling with depression. I am opening myself up for critique and judgement. But this is a realisation for myself. That keeping busy is a way for me to avoid myself and my thoughts a way for me to convince myself that I don't need help. But I know I need help.
Because in the end you cant keep running and distracting yourself because the truth will always catch up.
(Please don't comment and tell me to seek therapy or start taking medication. I am aware of the fact that I need help, which is why I made this post. A realisation for myself. )