Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, November 22, 2015

First Saffon buns this winter

Hello :)

What an unproductive day.... im in one of those " i dont want to. I dont care" phases and just feeling very numb at the moment. Neither happy or sad, inbetween the very dark and negative "me" and the happy and positive me. The inbetween where i feel nothing and dont want to do anything. I never really know what i want... when i feel extreme emotions which are very overpowering then it would nice to just be numb and not feel anything, not have any strong emotions pulling you towards something. But then when i am numb it feels equally as terrifying as you feel so stuck, you would rather feel something than feel nothing at all. Because it feels a bit like, what is the point if i am numb, like in a grey zone where you just feel distant and tired and unproductive but at the same time you know you have felt alot worse and there is a glimpt of energy and joy but it is still so far off and you just dont feel anything.

That is basically how i am feeling at the moment, just numb. However all study motivation is gone, not even sitting at the library is tempting to me and I am dreading getting my results back tomorrow or on Wednesday. I just want to crawl  under the table when i get my test back. Burn the test so i refuse to see the grade i got, even if i do pass the test i dont want to see it... i just want to be in the unknown, not have to do my national test in a few weeks time. Usch... I am longing for my non study period at Christmas time!!

Anyway, to pass the time today i decided to bake "Lussebullar" i.e saffron buns. I said i would wait until December but i wanted to bake and we had all the ingredients at home so i thought why not :) Though they turned out very ugly as i made them too big but they tasted great anyway, the little i tasted anyway. My stomach is an absaloute knot at the moment and i have had alot of pain in my hip or it could be my kidney, not sure what it is anyway but it has left me in alot of pain since Tuesday where i havent been able to stand, sit or lie down comfortably. I havent written anything about it as i dont feel like writing about every single pain i get but tomorrow im going to the doctors to see what it is and i have had to take alot of painkillers recently to get rid of the pain and usually i dont like taking painkillers and there were years i could count on one hand the amount of pain killers i took in a year, but now i just havent called the doctors (yup, call me stupid) and just thought it would go over, but it hasnt. So at the moment im lying in bed with my stomach in a knot and my hip/lower back area hurting like crazy (and its not due to hormones ;) ). Ohhh well i hope it passes and that maybe i can get answer tomorrow or soon about what it may be.

Anyway i dont want to complain on here or write about all my physical problems as my body just doesnt want to co operate at times, but atleast my body functions somewhat normally!! haha


Tomorrow is a new week and i am not ready for it at all... not wanting to do anything at the moment, but maybe with some sleep and a positive mindset tomorrow i will feel better and be more ready!!


2 comments:

  1. Oh dear! I am so sorry to hear that you're not feeling great -- please do take care of yourself and I do hope that you start to feel better again soon. Xx

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