Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, November 23, 2015

Disaster and choatic day, where everything became too much

Curling into a ball and refusing to do anything ever again seems like a pretty good idea to me right now.

It has been one long choatic and negative day, right from the start. When i woke up my stomach was still hurting and was extremely bloated, to the point of it hurting. But i pressed some breakfast into me anyway before i headed to school and there i almost fell asleep during the first few hours. The type of tiredness where I could not keep my eyes open and my head was drooping closer to the table. I was blinking lots trying to keep my eyes open and having to drink water every few seconds so as to make sure i didnt fall asleep. But then it was finally our first break and i could crack open an energy drink which helped keep me awake anyway but the study motivation still gone like the wind, or maybe i should say summer. Anyway, finally my lesson was over and i felt a bit better physically and felt like studying wouldnt be so bad when i got around to it. But first i had to go to the CF clinic, but taking me there wasnt as easy as planned. First i missed my train so had to sit and wait 20 minutes, then the train stopped extra long for a while and then i was so focused on my thoughts that i missed my station and had to get off at the next one and wait for the train going the other direction so i could get off at the right stop. And then it was just to run to the CF clinic as i was late. I didnt even have time to buy lunch because of the chaos so had to resort to some chocolate i found in my bag. Then my day just got worse.

First off i had to do this test for my lungs 3 times instead of once. And one test is 3 ttries, so i had to do it 9 times in total. Then i saw that my results were lower than before and that is never a good thing and i know why... i mean on days i feel really low it can be hard to take care of myself and my CF. So  my CF care hasnt been on top and i know that, i only have myself to blame. But as i sat there in the waiting room i thought i would mention to my doctor that i have been struggling recently that i havent been doing so well mentally which has lead to my CF health declining as well. I do like my doctor and she listens to me  but then when the doctor came out it was someone i have never met before and my whole idea of being honest went out the window. There was no way i could tell the stranger what was going on so instead i sat mostly silent and felt very uncomfortable as she began to critisize me and then threatened me about admitting me to hospital with IV. I told her i didnt want that and didnt have time for it, or even need it but still she kept it like a threat and said that if i dont improve in 3 weeks time she will admit me. And that was when i felt like bursting and the tears were close to rolling down my cheeks. But i kept myself composed as she told me to start with 2 types of antibiotics and even more medication for other things. And then there were a whole bunch of blood tests which meant me being stuck 3 times and then other tests to be done and all the time i had to keep my tears from falling. The doctor wasnt nice to me at all, she didnt listen to me and she treated me like a 5 year old who cant take care of her own health. And she basically called me the equivalent of stupid for not going to the doctor about my hip problem as it could be due to kidney problems.

Eventually when i got to leave i called my mum and broke into tears and eventually just began hyperventilating. I felt so silly but i couldnt keep the tears back, and i mean if there is one place it is ok to cry it is the hospital. It wasnt just the mean doctor (i sound like a child, but i hate hospitals and doctors as it is, but then when they are mean i cant stand it). But i think i have just held back tears for so long, like a coke bottle that has been shook... once you take off the cap it just keeps bubbling up. And that was the case for me now..... crying because of school stress, crying because i dont have the energy anymore, crying because i dont want to have CF, I dont want to go to hospital anymore, i dont want to be threatened with being admitted to hospital which is one of my nightmares. I just feel like i dont want to do this anymore and everything was just too much. My mum said she would come and get me so i found myself a corner in the far part of the hospital and sat and cried for a while. I felt silly afterwards i mean what good does crying do? It doesnt solve the problem.... but i think that i more than anything just want someone close to me to realise that i am not doing good. That when i say "I dont have the energy or i dont want to anymore" it is not just 'i am tired of school or i want to sleep', but it is literally... i cant do this anymore. When i say that i dont want to anymore, i mean i literally dont want to do anything more. It's hard because i dont dare open up but it feels like those around me ignore the problem as well because i dont mention it, because i want to pretend that i am ok they do the same thing as well.

But i think one of the things that made me so sad was that i was ready to speak up, to tell someone that i wasnt doing so well and then everything just fell apart and didnt go as planned and just makes me even more scared to talk to someone.

At the moment i am just feeling exhausted and drained. There has been little food today which doesnt make anything better, i mean no wonder i cried or couldnt think straight if i hadnt even gotten the proper energy into me. Anyway..... the CF clinic always drains me of energy and i most often leave feeling sad but also each time i go there i am reminded of the fact that i have CF and sometimes i wish i could ignore that. I wish i didnt have the illness, but i do.... and there isnt so much i can do about that. But life isnt easy with an illness, as i am pretty sure all of you who read this are aware of :(

Ohhh well, lets hope for a better today. For now i am checking out and just going to lie in bed with music.

27 comments:

  1. Sending love for you. If it helps, let yourself be angry as well (no matter what they say, a moment of personal bitterness can be worth a million bucks). You do have all the reasons.
    - Katriina

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    1. Naaw thank you. I dont often get angry at people so maybe i just needed a few moments to be angry at that doctor!

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  2. You aren't being silly or childish for crying. If something or someone is upsetting you and you cry- it means it was a real problem. Anything that effects you is. And I'm sorry you had to go through this day. It sounds like a horrible one! And the doctor sounds so bitter! May she get saggy boobs! Hahaha I'm joking. But still- you deserve more respect. I hope tomorrow is better and that you can tuck into some nice snacks this evening. Lots of love
    Teagan x

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    1. Thank you <3 My mum said roughly the same thing about the doctor ^_^ I am going to focus on making today a better day :):) I hope you have a great day today, or have had a great day!

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  3. No food = bad day :( what can you do to improve your CF? Maybe more cardio training? Hope it goes well!

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    1. Exactly, it was just bad planning on my side. Uusually i have fruit or some bar with me for times like this but there wasnt much in my bag yesterday and no time either. I think it just need to focus more on CF care, that even if i dont feel like it i know i have to. But also adding in intervals again, i havent been doing alot of cardio recently so that affects my CF negativly so need to get back into that again. XD I hope you have a good day.

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  4. I'm sorry to hear you've not had a great day.. keep ur chin up Izzy! U r strong and will be okay Xx

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  5. Honey, if you need to cry, YOU CRY. there is no shame in doing so. Please hold your head up high, and breathe easy. I've often found that when I have horrid days, that means the next day will be better. It helps to smile in the morning. I know this is probably not what you want to hear either but PLEASE seek out counseling. you did mention you feel like not doing anything anymore, and that you'd been keeping it bottled up. For your sake, tell your mum and boyfriend if need be the truth and seek a counselor. please, it just might help you more than you realize, and if not, then at least you tried.
    Keep your chin up, sunshine

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    1. You are very right, sometimes when you have had a bad day it feels like the next day can only get better. And i am going to focus on making today a good day!! I do want to go to therapy, i just havent gotten around to do anything about it yet. But sometime :)

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  6. oh honey i just want to give you a massive hug and take your pain away, it must hurt so bad right now. I think its good that you cried, you needed a release otherwise all that emotion just sits in you and eats away. Were you able to talk to your mum about how low you are feeling and just want everything to stop? I think it may help to speak to someone even if its just to get it out. You can't carry this load by yourself honey and maybe the emotions etc that you are feeling are manifesting in your physical pain and CF. You've been running on a treadmill for a while but there's a point when you need to stop that or you are physically made to stop. Ah hun i don't know what to say i just want to make it better but I'm thinking of you and write it out here if you're able to - don't feel you have to hide your feelings be honest we want to see the real you and want to help. love and hugs xx

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    1. No i didnt talk to her, but i do plan on talking to someone sometime. Just havent gotten around to it yet. I just havent been doing my CF care so good and other factors as well that play a role, but myabe i just needed that "slap" to get my things together and take the best care of my self i can :)

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  7. Oh no that's makes me so so sad to hear!:( I hope your next days will be better and your mood will improve soon:)<3

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    1. Thank you :) I hope you have a good day!!

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  8. Don´t give up, please! You are stronger than your CF!!! And next time just speak your mind at the doctors, just let it out. That is the most important part of their job, to listen and help you <3

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    1. Yes you are right, though i still feel that i want to talk to my normal doctor and the one who i have had for a while. Not a stranger i have never met before :(

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    2. Completely understandable :)
      And about those comments that keep telling you to seek help and start therapy. I feel like people don´t necessarly understand hoe much effort and work therapy actually craves. It´s hard work. It´s about digging up painful stuff that you just don´t want to feel and deal with. In the long run it might be very helpful or not... Therapy isn´t for everyone. One year ago in december I ended all my eating disorder care and depression therapy and since then I´ve done so much better. So my advice for you is to take your time and seek help when you feel ready <3

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  9. I know it may seem bad in that one day. but that is one day out of so many good days this year for you. You have come so far , These feelings (bad day) are temporary and please don't make permanent decisions on temporary emotions. You are a role model to so many and it is so nice that we see your honesty in the good days and bad, you aren't fake which is so nice.
    Watch some Gossip girl or listen to music . Wishing you the best xoxo

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    1. You are very right :) Thank you for your comment!!

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  10. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
    Sending you an unlimited amount of hugs and love!! I just wish I could make it all okay, but I can't, so I'm just sending you my thoughts. <3

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  11. Izzy, I don’t know how many times I can say this… but I am so worried for you. Please please please go seek help. You deserve so much more than this.

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  12. Sending you lots of positive energy! You have every right to feel tired of this, but don't give in to it.

    Keep your head up, keep your heart strong. Big hugs from Estonia!

    M.

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    1. Thank you <3 I hope you have a lovely day today.

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  13. why do you "not dare open up", Izzy?
    anyway, i am really sorry you are in so much pain
    you are lovely, and as all the people above say, you deserve so much more, and i hope you will speak with your mum today about it all

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    1. I have never been so good at talking to people about how i feel or what i am thinking, that is why i started blogging. And i just dont want to burden them with my problems and i just feel silly if i talk about my problems, so instead i keep them to myself or blog about them.

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