Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Monday, November 30, 2015

Last day of November and first day of snow

Last night I woke several times and heard how it was pouring down with rain. And I didn't find it cosy because I knew that in a few hours time I would have to go out in that weather.  So I just hoped that it had stopped by the time I had to leave. When I did eventually leave the house it wasn't raining anymore,  it was snowing. But the type of half rain, half snow which makes you drenched and freezing. Would have preferred sunshine and 25 degrees but it's just to find the positives anyway :)

I headed to the gym in the morning as that is my favourite way to start the day and also my way to celebrate my birthday, haha. And then it was school time. ... which started with being told that my national test was in 10 days time, not in 18 days as I had thought.  For some reason I had gotten the date wrong and thought I had my national test in 18 days time so the shock I got when I realised it was 10 days away was not a good shock. For 90 minutes I sat there with lots of anxiety and didn't know what to do with myself.  I just felt like,  I give up. I want to go home, watch films all day and never study maths again. It was not a nice feeling and the stress has risen quite alot.... but I then reminded myself. 10 more days of lots of study and then it's over.... then I'm done. It's better that it's just 10 intense days instead of 18? Just to focus everything on maths at the moment.

To do something fun and somewhat celebratory for my birthday my mum took me out for lunch which was also a good way to get rid of that growing stress and we went to my favourite place! 

The desserts were shared between the two of us but i ate 75 % ^_^ 

When i came home it was study time. However after an hour or so i got the worst headache combines with nauseous feelings and feeling extremely cold so had to lie down for a while before taking a super long shower to try to warm up. Currently still feeling nauseous and a thumping headache, so no idea what my plans are for this evening but sleep and lots of it is definitely a must, haha. For once i am thankful that my birthday is not on a Saturday because then i would most likely have plans to go out, but for now i can just spend my evening resting which is exactly what i want :) hahah.

So far i dont feel older and it doesnt feel like my birthday, but i guess thats usual the older you get. Birthdays become less special, but also i rarely think of my age so when people ask me my age i am still most likely going to answer 16 or something even if i am a few years older than that XD I still feel like a 16 year old at times!!

Does anyone ever really feel their age though? Most people feel younger or older really... age is just a number and there are social constructs of how people or certain ages should act but that doesnt mean that just because you are 18 you are suddenly super adult and know everything about being an adult. Just like when you are 50 doesnt mean that you are mature and know everything about life. 

Anyway, too much writing and now my headache is taking over, so going to end this post here and say a big thank you for all the congratulations and happy birthdays i have gotten :) It means alot to me, so thank you :):)

What would you tell a younger version of you?

The thoughts in your head, the thoughts you have of restricting, purging, self harming, pushing yourself to exercise even though you dont want to. The feelings of worthlessness, self hate, anxiety, hating life....  imagine your younger sister or brother or cousin or child had those same thoughts and feelings. Imagine your 8 year old self infront of you and they stood there telling you that they werent going to eat the whole day or told you that they will eat somethingbut purge it afterwards or go exercise for a few hours despite not eating. What would you tell them? What would you tell someone if they had the same behaviours as you? Would you encourage them, tell them what they are doing is right?

What would you tell someone if they did the same things as you? If they felt the same hopelessness or worthlessness which you might feel? Or the times when you hate your body, imagine your daughter/son or best friend feeling that way, what would you tell them?

I am hoping that the answers to the questions above are ones that you would help the person suffering. That you would be kind to them and not promote that type of thinking and behaviour, and if it is.... then why would you think that way yourself? Or allow and promote that type of behaviour and thinking in your own life.

Granted it is not so easy to change, but try to treat yourself like a friend, or think back to your younger self and treat yourself right. Treat yourself the way you would treat others and be kind to yourself. Nothing good will come from hating yourself and harming yourself.

^^^Look at these and remind yourself of this every time a negative thought pops into your head.

Every time you are about to purge, everytime  you are about to skip a meal, everytime you force yourself to workout, everytime you keep pushing yourself even though you dont want to.... think, Is this how i would treat my own child? Treat the younger version of me? Treat my friend? Is this how i am going to treat myself?

WHY are you doing this to yourself? Would you stand infront of your friend, your child, the younger version of you and throw insults at them. Tell them they are fat, they are useless. They need to skip meals, they need to purge, they need to lose weight.......
   Would you`?

So why do it to yourself?

My goals for the rest of the year and for the next year

It's Monday and also tomorrow there is only one month left of this year, crazy! So what better timing than to write a few goals for the next month and also for the next year, i.e until my next birthday. What do i want to achieve or what do i want to do in the next year?

But also 31 days, alot can change in that time. A month might not feel like alot or you might think, nothing can change in a month, but alot can change in just 24 hours. You just need to want to make the change, so i think YOU should also sit down and write your goals for the next 31 days and stick hard to them and see what can happen :)

My goals for the rest of the year:

Study hard for my national test - but also have breaks.
Pass my national test.
Replace energy drinks with green tea.
Find the positives of each day
Make sure to get atleast one sleep in per week
Listen to my body and if i am very tired, be ok with saying no to things or no to leaving the house.
Keep up with my CF care and medication taking

My goals for the next 365 days!
Not be scared to step out of my comfort zone and do different things.
Get into university and study nutrition OR, allow myself to take a break if i feel that that is what is necessary
Get a job - if i dont study, or just a weekend job
Recover from depression, in whatever way necessary
Be positive and happy
Get my own apartment somewhere
Do alot more online social work and continue helping people
Read more books
Run races - and maybe run another half marathon
Dare to do new things - and tick things off of my bucketlist
Bake more and be more creative in the kitchen
Get a new phone or camera and take better pictures!!!
Enjoy living life

These are just some goals i could think of for now, but I am sure i have many more goals!!! If you have any goals you want to share, either to motivate yourself or others, or to keep yourself to your word as you have written it. So comment below if you want to, OR write some goals on a piece of paper to remind yourself of them :)

Happy Birthday to me

Today is not a regular day for me, because it is my birthday!! Yayayyy.

Though by this stage i am sure you are all aware of that, haha XD

This year my birthday does not feel exciting or special. I mean its fun to be a year older and imagine how much can change from this year until next years birthday. But i cant say i am feeling so excited or happy. It will just be a regular Monday with school and then going for lunch with my mum. 

But i feel i might as well make it a "big deal" even if it doesnt feel like it to me now. Because i know when i do eventually feel better i will look back and be glad that i atleast tried to make this day a good day and make it a big deal, because i mean, its not exactly your birthday everyday!! haha

So much has changed in this year and i cant say that it has all been positives, there have been quite a few negatives but there have also been SO MANY positives. And i am going to focus on THAT. On all the good things because the good moments always outweigh the bad :) And imagine all the positives that can happen in the years to come :) That is what is exciting and having a year more of experience, knowledge, adventure. Learning more, doing more stuff and living more. One year older and hopefully one year wiser :) If not, learn from my mistakes!!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Crossfit, brunch and family time

Hello :)

It feels like forever ago since i sat down and wrote a post on my blog. Of course that isnt the case but i havent had so much to write about recently. The creativeness and inspiration as well as helpful posts havent really struck me, i havent known what to write about or even had the time to sit and write. And i guess there isnt so much point in writing if i dont have much to say. Though i do have lots to say, but havent had the time or energy to write it out. Yesterday - Saturday - was a really good day. A long day at the fitness festival but it was alot of fun and had so much to do all the time so i barely got the time to eat. It was just when i felt this irritation arising within me and i felt like i would start getting angry at the people coming up to me then i knew i had to go get something to eat and so a proteinbar and then i also got a free box of ice cream which was much needed at that point!! After such a long and fun day, when i was heading home i began to feel very low..... like there was so much fun, so much energy and suddenly nothing. Though of course it wasnt nothing, as today - Sunday, has been a long and fun day. But i just felt very very low yesterday evening, it was like i wanted the work to continue, to know i had more events such as that to look forward to.

Anyway, i dont want to get into that. Instead focus on the positive day i had today, which started with Crossfit (after breakfast and such anyway!). And the workout today was tough, maybe even tougher than normal as i have had 4 days of "rest" (does standing all day at the event really count as rest, not really. But 2 days before that were rest anyway). It was a workout with lots of deadlifts which i absaloutly love though now my legs are bruised and scraped as a result of the tough workout. But thats ok, it could have been worse :) Then when i had gotten my energy back and left the crossfit box i bought the ingredients for my cake, headed home, changed and then my boyfriend joined us (I.e my family) before we drove to a brunch place. I have never been at that place before and i dont know what i thought... i didnt like the fact that we sat upstairs and had to squeeze past lots of people to get to the stairs and then up and down the stairs. But also it was hard to actually get to the food and there were so many queues all the time, so the brunch place wasnt the best, but the food was pretty good. My stomach was in knots so wasnt able to enjoy the food as much as i would have wished for, but what i did eat tasted really good!!

(Such bad lighting so hard to get a good picture)

After that we headed home and i got to open a few presents from my family and boyfriend. Mostly make up and perfume which i had asked for (as i dont buy those things for myself), and also the crossfit course is a present from my parents and then also a really fluffy teddybear (Appa from avatar! My boyfriend and I have been watching the series and i thought Appa was really cute and said i wanted one, and i got one... in a teddybear form :) ). After that it was cake baking time which took roughly2 hours or so... My boyfriend sat and watched me while i baked and i think he was a little worried at times, hahha.

The result of the cake, not the prettiest unfortunatly but it tasted good anyway!!! Pictures and such are coming tommorrow, as that is my actual birthday so i am going to post all of that tomorrow :)

^^How i actually look/Behind the scenes

I wanted to take a selfie but he joined in and i thought this was a really cute pictures of us :) haha

And the the evening was spent just cuddling with my boyfriend which was very much needed. We havent seen each other in a week or so because i have been busy with studies/working and also the medication has just made me not want to see anyone or to leave my house. And i dont know, for some reason it has just felt weird. I have felt distant and just been to tired to keep up communication and so things just felt weird, but it was nice to see him again and know that there wasnt anything weird. Sometimes the mind plays tricks and fools you into thinking things, I for one should know that by now. That i shouldnt believe every thought or feeling i have, even if at times it is good to do this.

Anyway, before this post gets far too long i will end it here and say that today was a lovely day and a much needed day with my family and boyfriend. And tomorrow is a new week and my birthday! And hopefully i will be back to regular blogging, unless nobody actually cares that i dont blog XD

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Your needs dont make you too much

Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy. They make you human. We all have needs. And those hungers aren’t something we should feel ashamed of. They’re normal, we didn’t get enough of them as children hungers. Affections we’ve been deprived of by the people who are supposed to care for us. Connections we needed to feel whole and spaces we needed to feel safe. Cravings we’ve been taught we didn’t deserve. Appetites we’ve learned to suppress and fill with guilt. Again and again we’ve neglected our needs because we’ve been taught that they were too much— that we were too much. But we don’t have to any longer. You don’t have to. Whether you need support, alone time, affection, connection, validation, or reassurance that you are loved — it is more than okay to ask for what you need. Making your needs known isn’t about being demanding or selfish. It’s about self-care. It’s about creating a safer space for yourself. It’s about using your voice and speaking your truth. It’s about giving yourself permission to take up space. It’s about listening to your hungers and honoring them. It’s about honoring yourself.
Daniell Koepke 

Time for another work day!

Good morning :)

It is only now. a few hours after being awake that i realise that it is Saturday. I was wondering why my sister or step dad werent awake. Wondering why my first two alarms didnt ring  and why public transport wasnt as packed. Now i realise, the rest of my family didnt need to be awake this early, my alarms werent set for the weekend and people arent rushing off to work. But for me I am working so it feels like a weekday! I have completely lost track of the days and dates recently, just sort of living. Half remembering which days i go to school. Life has felt so weird recently and not in a good way. Life has just felt different and I'm not sure if it's me or if things are just weird recently :/ Ohh well.

Now its work time and I'm excited. It doesn't feel like work because I mean I would do this for free, it's just a bonus that i actually get paid.  But it's something fun and that is a positive as I mean you should enjoy your work even if it isn't enjoyable 100%. Or maybe it is for some? :)

Anyway I didn't have time to schedule any posts today so I'll see if I get some time to write a post later otherwise I'll write this evening :) and feel free to post questions to post suggestions and I can try to get around to answering them eventually! :)

Have a lovely Saturday! !

Things/quotes i can relate to found online

"it’s so scary feeling like you manipulate everyone who loves you just by being Extremely Sad and them noticing it… like… im so sad a lot of the time and i dont want other people to be trapped by that sadness. constantly going “am i being Sad too loudly? am i being Sad too obviously? is this manipulative?” even while in the middle of a crisis . "
-Source X

"nostalgia is a liar. nothing was ever as good as you remember it to be. there’s a reason you don’t talk to that person anymore, there’s a reason you’re not part of each other’s lives. don’t trust nostalgia. grieve. reflect. move on."

"A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. 
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes."

Source X

"Its almost the end of 2015 and you are still here. Whatever you have been through this year I am so proud of you for being so strong. I’m so proud of you. 2016 will be a better year for you. "

"I think i am subconsciously trying to ruin my own life"

Friday, November 27, 2015

Health fair, energy drink and proteinbar overdose

Back home after a long day at work and i dont feel tired at all. Though that might be because i have stood and poured up shots of energy drink all day and drank a few shots as well as cans myself. It was free for me to drink as many as i wanted and well i did.... Not that i needed the energy, but its just nice to drink them and when you know they are there, it is hard to not just crack one open. But i thin i kept myself to 2 or maybe 3 ones with caffeine, i lost count by the end XD Not a very good role model!

My day started by meeting up my contact person from the company True T as well as 2 others who were going to work as well and we got our cards to enter the fair and then it was just to set up, change into our  outfits (which i absaloutly love!! I want to workout in them all the time if i could, super comfortable and also look good XD) and then wait until opening time at 10am.

Then when the fair opened at 10am the people started crowding in. There were times where i just sort of stood there and nobody came by and other times i had lots of people. There is so much i could write about people. It feels like i have so much to write but cant seem to get it all out of my mind. There were some very rude and stuck up people, those who were from companies who are sort of in competition with True T and they were just mean. And then some who were really nice and wanted to know more and very talkative. And then there were of course some teenage boys who tried to chat me up which i just sort of brushed off. There were also those who "stole" many drinks. We gave out a free drink to everyone but some people took 3 or 4 at a time and came back an hour later and did the same thing and repeat 3 more times, and all of us working there noticed this and thought it was rude and wrong. I mean fine, 2 free drinks but by the end each of them had maybe taken 12 drinks each.... it is stealing in a way ;(

I saw many people i follow from Instagram which was fun but i had alot to do so i didnt get time to talk to them or go up and say Hi. But also i had a few followers come up to me which  i thought was alot of fun. I love when this happens and i often get told that i am very similar in reality as i am online which is fun to hear. As i dont want to post a different version of myself, i want to try to get my personlity and myself across and maybe i am doing a good job of that :)

I got a little time to wander around the health fair so i got a few things which i needed and also tried lots and lots of protein bar samples as well as bought myself a questbar which was basically my days intake as i didnt have the time to sit and eat. Or i guess i did, but it felt wrong as i wanted to work....  And also the others who were there wandered off very often and so it was often just me left there standing or me and the guy who owns True T and well , iwanted to show i was a hardworker and also i didnt want to leve the whole thing to him.

The whole day passed quickly and it was alot of fun. I actually really enjoy doing this type of work, its strange. But it is fun!! The last hour went slowly as there were very few people left but it was just to wander around and fix small things and smile at people who passed!!

It was a very fun day and i am excited for tomorrow as well :) Though tomorrow there will be double or triple the amount of people so lots more work, but its just fun :) Hopefully i get to meet more followers as well!!

There is so much more i could write about, but after the energy drink consumption and lots of protein bar samples my mind isnt really functioning right so i guess i will write more tomorrow and maybe remember some details i forgot to mention today!!

I didnt take so many photos but here are a few. And you can check out my snapchat izzy.m1 for more :)

Weight fluctutations

So how do we deal with [weight fluctuations]? First, accept that your body is supposed to fluctuate a bit, across the day and across months. Make sure to have clothes that fit you comfortably during your lower and higher weight days, and try to avoid getting too caught up in being a certain clothing size. I’ve developed the strategy of having 80% of my clothes fit me at my “average” weight, with 10% a size up and 10% a size down. This way I’m covered across my whole size spectrum!
— Dear KJ: My Weight Fluctuates – Help!

(Read the whole answer by pressing the link)

Mental illnesses need to be accepted and viewed as valid reasons

Yesterday evening i began thinking about how depression never really feels like a valid reason. It feels like even if i did say, "I'm sorry i dont feel like doing anything today because i am struggling to get out of bed" or "I am mentally so extremely tired today i dont have the energy to leave my house", it feels like those arent really accepted. I'm told to just take a coffee and leave anyway, because it will make me feel better. But if i say, "Sorry I am taking very strong medication for my physical illness at the moment which makes me very tired, i dont feel like doing anything tonight", that is ok. That is accepted and I am told to rest up.

In school i have always been allowed to take days off to focus on my CF care and health. i.e my physical health. But it is frowned upon to take mental health days even if you are stressing out completely. Of course i think some teachers and people in general are a little more accepting of this now a days, but some abuse this term and so can make a mental health day seem invalid for everyone else because others use it just to slack off of school.

Also it feels like it is more ok to say I am going to the hospital for my CF rather than, I am going to a therapist or an eating disorder clinic.

This may just be my own interpretation and doesnt mean it is this way for everyone. But for me, because i do have both a mental illness and a physical illness and ive had times i have said that i dont have the energy or dont want to leave the house and said it is due to energy levels, tiredness etc but that doesnt seem to be a valid reason. But when i say it is becayse of my physical illlness, then people are accepting of it and it is an ok reason. Such as in school, i have never been late with assignments or essays but i am pretty sure if i were late and i blamed it on my bad CF care then the teacher might accept it, but if i told the teacher i was stressing out completely and not feeling good mentally i would most likely be told that everyone else is stressed as well but got the work done. (This is a generalization, there are of course teachers who understand when you say that you are very stressed and need extra time or say that you need a mental health day. There are of course people who understand mental illness and dont see it as excuses or non alid reasons).

I also wanted to write about something which i have noticed which is that, people say they are understanding and supporting of mental illness but then once someone close to them suffers. (In this case i am taking depression as an example and from my own experience) Once the person becomes extremely tired and unmotivated, not as good at making plans or keeping in contact. Then people around them start to tell them to "snap out of it", that "it is just a phase" or begin to think that "this act is going on too long": They say they are understanding of mental illness but once someone is in the grips of one and starts showing the signs and symptoms, then the person isnt very understanding. They distance themselves from the person because they realise it might not be so fun around someone with a mental illness, they realise that depression isnt just black and white pictures and feeling a little sad for a week, but that it is so much more than that. And not alot of people are so understanding of depression and think that it is just a phase, or that happy thoughts will make everything better. (Of course, i do believe this HELPS, i believe positive thinking HELPS, but it doesnt take away the root problem.) People say they will help and they care but once the person begins to change or is not like their old self anymore, many dont seem to have much support at all. (Though i need to add in, that for people around someone who is struggling with a mentall illness. It is very tough for them as well, in a different way from the person with the illness, but still.)

Where do i want to go with this post? Well that there is so much stigma around mental illness, still. At times it can feel like people dont really care until someone takes their own life, and then suddenly they become really motivated to help get rid of the stigma around mental illness, or they say they will make a change but dont really. I think that mental illnesses should be a valid reason for not being able to do things.

Though, this is a fine balance because if someone is prone to blaming their mental illness for everything and then get a job and never go to their job and just blame their depression then it will make it very unlikely for the employer  to want to higher someone else with a mental illness.For example, even if i suffer with a mental illness if i had a job i would still go there and work the hours i was supposed to because i knew i needed to. It might happen that i take a day or two off if my mental state is very bad, but otherwise i would still work. But i want it to be ok for me to say, "sorry i dont plan on doing anything at all today and i dont really feel like meeting anyone because i am really struggling today and cant get out of bed and just want to be alone", i want that to be a valid reason instead of having to say 101 other excuses such as i feel sick, i have lots of work to do etc as those are more accepted reasons. Physical excuses/reasons are more accepted than mental ones, because most people think you can just "snap out of it". 

This is just a thought post about the stigma around mental illness and how i hope it changes over time and i want to be part of making that change. By spreading awareness and help.

Comment below what your thoughts or experience about this are. Are people understanding of your illness or do they disregard your reasons because they are due to your illness? Do you think people are more open or still dont really understand what mental illness is?

Now, the stigma surrounding mental health isn’t surprising – at all. A mental illness generally suggests that something is wrong with the brain. Our brain is our control center. It’s responsible for everything we do, and the idea of something being wrong with the brain generally suggests that we’re out of control. And as humans we hate that idea. We hate it so much that we just don’t talk about it. We sweep it under the rug and pretend that it’s not there. But it is. Mental illnesses are a thing. They’re real, and they’re very present. And we need to talk about them.
— Jack Harries

ED recovery problems

Having a meal time freak out