Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Writing my thoughts

Sometimes i wish i could open up. Say exactly what is on my mind.

I wish i didnt become quiet as soon as i am angry or something irritates me.

I wish i didnt push people away as soon as i start struggling.

I wish i didnt think i was such a failure and worthless.

I wish my self esteem and self confidence was back to where it once was.

I wish i could stand up for myself mentally anyway.

I wish i could believe the compliments i recieve and not just wift them away and continue to think the negatives.

I wish i could talk... tell people how i felt.

I wish i could write on my blog how i felt, but i feel i cant because i dont want to trigger people. I dont want this place to be negative and in the end it will just be a bunch of negative posts which all sound the same. And that is not what i want, everyone has their struggles. But sometimes its so hard when all i want to do is write exactly what is on my mind, write exactly my thoughts, write exactly how awful i was feeling... but then i need to restrain myself. I dont want to be told that "it will get better" i dont want to be told " that i just need to snap out of it or go get a job" i dont want to be told "that i should just be happy". I dont want to be told anything, i just want to express my feelings... and i cant.

I can write in a journal or diary, but somehow that is not easy and i just end up staring at blank paper. I cant seem to talk to anyone... not even when i feel like i am going to burst into tears or i just want to disappear completely, not even then can i open up and tell the people closest to me what is going on in my mind.

But what most of all irritates me is that i cant seem to feel happy.. no matter how hard i try. No matter how positive i try to think, no matter how much i try to smile or try to seem happy, it just isnt real. And it makes me so angry, its like a filter and grey fog that just makes the happiness i should feel evaporate and i am just left feeling grey and asking myself "this should make me happy, but why amnt I?". But also the constant tiredness.... the mental tiredness, physically i have alot of energy but my mental energy just isnt there.... i can sit down for 5 minutes and i feel that gravity is pulling me down. I never want to get up again, the mental tiredness taking over and i just want to sleep.

It makes me frustrated to feel this way, its like the real me is trapped in a box somewhere inside my mind and its trying to break free. The real me, the happy and positive me, the one who would never have these types of thoughts is locked in a box inside my mind. But for now its this negativity inside of me.

Sometimes i feel silly as if "this is just a phase".. because sometimes, i can feel ok... i get this little "breathe room" where i can feel ok and then i think, there is nothing wrong with me..... but then suddenly everything comes back and i begin to feel weighed down again and begin thinking, i really need help. But then that little moment of "i dont need help" shows up and i am back to thinking... "maybe this is just how i feel?" but then the really negative thoughts begin to take over and i know that this is not infact how a healthy person should think. But when I am stuck in so much negativity and fear it makes it even harder to ask for help because all i want at that moment is to just make it stop.... Its all so confusing inside my mind and i just felt i needed to write.

At the moment i dont have so many post ideas, my creativity isnt at top at the moment and most of my free time is spent trying to do maths. So not alot of time is spent on my blog or emails at the moment, but i am trying my best. But i really do suggest if you have emailed me, to comment instead as i just dont have the time, energy or motivation to reply to emails at the moment and i apologize, it makes me feel so guilty but at times like this i feel like i need to put myself first and that means realising that i dont have the time to answer emails and trying to answer them just makes me feel stressed. But then i feel guilty that i dont answer... but anyway, i really hope that if you have emailed me that you understand. I do suggest proffesional help if you have any questions or commenting on my blog and i can try my best to answer there or in a post :)

25 comments:

  1. You will need the just right time and place to look for the explanations on a consious level. It isn't now. Now is the time to heal.
    I'm not trying to tell you anything though, most of us aren't and you probably know that. Remaining silent after seeing this just doesn't seem right.

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  2. I hope you feel 'more yourself' soon Izzy!

    I can kinda relate to the 'I wish' list. Plus we all are guilty I think, of putting pressure of productivity expectations upon ourselves, hence leading to undue stress! Please do take a mental break and relax -- as u r so strong.. stronger than u know, for you are such a supportive rock for others.

    [thirdly, I know this has been previously mentioned, but when I used to take birth control it significantly lowered my mood. I know many factors contribute to a person's mental state, but it may be having an affect?]

    Take care Izzy! X

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    1. Thank you :) And yeah i am aware of that, i just dont really know what to do .. whether i should change to another alternative or stop completely :(

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  3. its impossible to "just snap out if it", you won't wake up and its all gone. But it will get better. slowly it will feel lighter, the valleys won't be so deep and you will actually have positives in your day. You will get out of bed without problems and it won't feel like a struggle to start a new day. you won't have to force a smile and you will have energy to be creative, be social and do stuff. you will want to be around other people as it will give you energy, not drain you off it. All this will come, but first you need to work through this depression. Focus on yourself and your needs. Being depressed is exhausting and rest is important. dont push yourself. you cant help others if you're not ok yourself, so dont rush to answer mails etc. allow yourself to be depressed and to work through it. ignoring it won't help, i know you dont, just a reminder. :) I want the best for you and wish there was something i could do.

    If you ever need to get something out or just vent..you know where i am :) sometimes its good to just get it out. and i would never judge.

    I know it doesn't help to hear that things will get better. when you're stuck in it yourself it is impossible to see. I am only saying it because I've been there. i know how impossible, frustrating, hopeless and exhausting it feels. but i know you will get through it. no matter what. you will get through it. <3

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    1. oh, and the "cabin getaway" offer still stands...it always does. :) A little cold there now, but so beautiful and therapeutic! Haha :)

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    2. Thank you so much, and the "ignoring it wont make it better" really did strike a cord because sometimes it feels like i try to ignore it, not accept my feelings and just push it away. But that wont help :) And thank you, that offer really does seem tempting. :)

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  4. Hi, I sent you an email a couple days about the food swap thing (I could send the parcel next Saturday) but when you didn't reply I thought you maybe didn't want to do it...? Anyways, I understand that having to reply to so many emails and messages must require a lot of time and energy so I thought I would leave a comment here (hope you don't mind, I'm feeling like such a stalker right now :D )...
    I would still like to do the swap so could you please let me know if you're still interested?
    Also, I hope you'll feel better soon, I know it's really hard being trapped in a bubble of negativity...remember to be kind to yourself! :)

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    1. I am so sorry i havent emailed you back, i am going to reply to all the "food swap emails" today or tomorrow :) I am still interested i just havent had the time to sit down and go through my emails. Dont worry, its great that you commented here, you can always resend your last email so it is at the top of my inbox so it will be easier to reply to :)

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  5. As what everyone else has said, there is no 'just snap out of it' coming from me....but.....
    when it comes to studying, I have noticed that I often get completely caught up in very similar circles of thinking, feeling that I can't express myself to others, and feeling trapped and unhappy, and like I never feel happy. It took me years to figure out that studying (which I do actually enjoy doing) is what makes me feel this way. I know it's no cure, but see if it's a trend for you, that maybe these thoughts are worse during heavy study times. If it is, then it's easier to prepare yourself by making sure you go outside and be active every few hours, and not accepting excuses from yourself to skip these breaks. You might find study goes a lot easier as well.
    You need to look after yourself above everything else. You have taught me that. Whatever is stopping you doing what you need to be doing to feel like life is worth living, obviously isn't important enough and can wait.
    Please take care of yourself! You are an amazing person and it is your struggles that have made you who you are. Know that you have our support no matter what you are going through. :)

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    1. Thank you so much. I know i dont handle stress very well which i think is one of the triggers/catalyst to my feelings, so with studying i do feel stressed and havent yet found a long term way to cope with that stress. But its something i need to deal with as i do enjoy studying and my goal is to go to university next year which will be alot of studying, so i feel that this 9 week course is a way to get myself back into routines and studying again so i dont overwhelm myself if i do get into university :)

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  6. As what everyone else has said, there is no 'just snap out of it' coming from me....but.....
    when it comes to studying, I have noticed that I often get completely caught up in very similar circles of thinking, feeling that I can't express myself to others, and feeling trapped and unhappy, and like I never feel happy. It took me years to figure out that studying (which I do actually enjoy doing) is what makes me feel this way. I know it's no cure, but see if it's a trend for you, that maybe these thoughts are worse during heavy study times. If it is, then it's easier to prepare yourself by making sure you go outside and be active every few hours, and not accepting excuses from yourself to skip these breaks. You might find study goes a lot easier as well.
    You need to look after yourself above everything else. You have taught me that. Whatever is stopping you doing what you need to be doing to feel like life is worth living, obviously isn't important enough and can wait.
    Please take care of yourself! You are an amazing person and it is your struggles that have made you who you are. Know that you have our support no matter what you are going through. :)

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    1. She's been feeling like this for a few months now even before she was studying again. If she truly has clinical depression then taking breaks from studying won't change that.

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    2. 100% agreed, but thats not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that it can often get worse during times of study, because we don't take the time out, and taking time out might just help alleviate it slightly. Everyone has different things that can make depression and negative times worse, and I'm just saying that study may be one of them, because she may have not considered it before. I'm just putting it out there.

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  7. I one time met a guy in the train and actually had a very nice conversation with him. One thing he said was "I wonder why all people always want to be happy" an interesting thinking to me, I never thought of this before, he continued to explain and said that of course you should have your happy moments or times in life but you can't be always happy.
    So life is a roller coaster, after bad times always come better times, so maybe don't try to hard to be always happy, maybe accept your bad mood to an certain point at times. Don't get me wrong I don't want you to stay in your current situation, just wanted to remind you that no one is and can always be happy and positive. (Unfortunately for some people the roller coaster goes far to deep, it takes time to go up again..)

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    1. Depression isn't just a mood. It's an illness requiring treatment. One can't just "wait it out" as you suggest.

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    2. Yes you're right,iI know happiness isn't a constant state. But having the ups and downs is part of life and the ups always feel alot better when you have been through the downs.

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  8. Izzy, you’re one of the first people that inspired me to find the strength to recover. Please, feel free to be open with us. Your health is above all else. this blog means NOTHING if it is a lie. Seriously, take a hard look (and i’m not saying this in a malicious manner) at your health right now. If you are struggling, do not be afraid to write it out. People are here to support you. You don’t owe it to anyone else to put on a facade. If anything, that discredits you as a recovery blogger. I’ve always enjoyed your authenticity, so don’t lose that.

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    1. Thank you so much and you are right health comes first. Though I enjoy blogging so I'm not going to stop. And I don't believe I am putting up a facade as I am honest about the fact that I'm struggling but I choose to not write about it everyday.

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    2. Julia/Izzy I love you both! Izzy-hang in there! You are an absolutely lovely person. It sucks when you feel like you've lost yourself. Hopefully it is helpful to know that you have so much support and that your blogging community is here if you need us. It's totally valid if you don't want to open up. But just know that you can. People care for you. Even if the you right now doesn't feel like the real you. You're allowed to feel hurt and depressed and broken. But just like ed recovery, you won't move forward until your ready. Xo

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  9. Don't you think you ahould consider the fact that you might need professional/medical help? You have nowhere else to say what you feel and so a therapist could be of huge help. Your depression isn't just going to go away by itself so seeing a Doctor and just hearing them out won't hurt. You say antidepressants make people numb. But that is so untrue! Millions of people take one pill everyday and are enabled to live again, to smile again, to breathe again. They're not numb at all, they've been given their lives back and I can speak from personal experience. I just think you're too proud to ask for help but you're not going to get better if you don't. You encourage all your readers out there to get help. Shouldn't you do the same?

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    1. I am going to seek help and a therapist. Not sure if I want medication but I am sure talking to someone will help :) because like you say, I should follow my own advice!

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  10. Don't feel like you can't write down your feelings here. Especially that you said writing helps you. This is your blog and those are your feelings! There will always be haters and people who judge, but don't worry about them, you still have your nice readers too :) I know the worst thing to hear (for most) is "everyone feels sad at times, it's just to wait", which isn't even advice and depression isn't simply a low mood. Please seek help Izzy before it gets even worse and share how you are feeling on here, it may relieve the weight of negativity a little at least.
    Do what you know is best for you <3

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  11. oh hun i can so identify with what u say - i too am in a cycle of depression and its mentally exhausting - people just think I'm wallowing and i should get out more but i feel so unhappy even when i do and so frustrated with myself cos I'm like i should be happy and then this makes me more unhappy. grr! anyway just wanted to say hang in there i know how hard it can be you tell yourself to smile and be positive but inside it all just feels too much x

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