The past seemed so good and looking back on photos where the smile is true and i was in a happy place and i begin to think, will i ever feel that happiness again. Not force a smile or feel that even if i laugh or smile there is this sadness dragging me back down. That even if i have a few moments of relief, of happiness i am soon brought back to reality. Sometimes it feels like this is forever, that this state of feeling and emotions wont ever pass. But then i remind myself that 1) My current situation is not my final destiation and 2)I have been through this before. I can feel happy again. I will feel happy again. The smile on my face will be real one day and there will be a sparkle in my eyes again. I wont feel guilty for feeling happy or feel like i am forcing a laugh or worrying about how long the "relief" will last.
Anyway, this was a sort of negative post, so i will lighten things up a bit and tell you about my weird night. I could not get comfortable at all yesterday, i felt tired but not really. Eventually however i fell asleep but sometime during the night i think i threw my pillow on the ground and then screamed "no" or "oh no" and my boyfriend asked me what was wrong and i just laughed (still asleep so only half remember this). Then sometime later i wake up and realise i have no pillow and dont know where mine is, but then when my boyfriend got up he found my pillow on the ground and we were both equally confused as to what happened. I cant even remember what i was dreaming... but apparently something crazy if i feel the need to throw my pillow and say "no/oh no" hahahha.
I'm longing for you for it to pass, too.
ReplyDeleteWith the photos, though ... one day I think you will look back from a happier place on the ones with the forced smile, and be proud of yourself for fighting and staying the course. You are strong and good and kind...
Thank you and you are very right. <3
Deletei noticed you havent posted any selife pictures in a while. is that because yu feel sad? or because of body image?
ReplyDeleteI havent noticed this, haha... but i havent really taken so many selfies XD When you are feeling low, then you dont really feel like saving that memory or taking photos of yourself.
DeleteI know how hard it can be everyday to keep up positivity and especially in such situations when nostalgia hits in :( but keep your head up Izzy, time will pass and things WILL get better -> it just needs some time :)
ReplyDeleteI also hate seeing old pics of me and thinking like OMG I did have such a great time there and now I have an ED which keeps me in a silly harmful circle :( but as you always say in your blog, spread positivity and it will also happen to you ;)
Hope you are fine hun <3
xxx Ange
Thank you. Exactly, but like you say things can get better, and know that YOU can recover. You can get back to a place of healthiness and happiness and then you will feel so much better and when you look back on your past you can be proud of how far you have come. Stay strong.
DeleteI m so sorry that you feel this way. I hope that you ll soon fell better
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
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