Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Monday, October 19, 2015

Dont be angry that others are happy just because you aren't

This post will be a sort of "thought/ramble" post, so once again... if it is not the best formulated and a bit dysfunctional text wise... just know that this is me trying to gather and formulate my thoughts into words.


When you are struggling and stuck in your destructive behaviour, when you are trying to find your happiness and balance. Trying to break free from bad habits you feel like that is all you know. But also you begin becoming suspicious of others and wondering... are others really healthy, or are they just faking it?

For example, while i was sick and struggling if someone left to go to the bathroom after eating i automatically assumed they were going to purge... because why else go to the bathroom after eating? If someone said they exercised x times a week, i automatically assumed it was because they had a problem... why else exercise that much? I had once enjoyed exercise but then when i became sick it became an obsession and compulsion, not an enjoyment because i forced myself to do it... and so i thought, "isnt everyone else forcing themselves to do it". If someone ever said no to food offered (even if i did it myself) i assumed they were dieting, restricting or sick... because why else would they say no to food.

I was stuck in my sick bubble and i couldnt understand health or balance, i was so controlled by my illness that it was strange that others werent as well. It's hard to explain, but you might recognize it in your own thinking? Such as those people who when they are struggling and sad, they feel anger towards people who are happy... they understand why they can be happy, why their lives can be so easy. When infact, maybe the other persons life isnt easy, but they are choosing to laugh anyway....

Or when you break up with someone and then suddenly you hate everyone in a relationship, you think they are "too much" or "too in your face" and you despise them because your relationship is over. It is a bit like that.... you hate others who have what you dont have, or you dont understand how they can have it.


Now i'm bringing this back to myself.... because it feels like i get alot of comments accusing me of exercising too much, using it to cope with eating, using it to burn calories, still have an exercise obsession etc etc and in all honesty, even after explaining 101 times that i do it because of enjoyment and that it isnt a "must" but an enjoyment. I take plenty of restdays when i need them, when i am too tired mentally or physically and i dont do "too much" exercise, because then i wouldnt most probably injure myself, be very tired (though of course, because of depression i am just constantly tired... so i guess this is hard to say that it isnt exercise. But i do have energy for exercise when i do it, as long as my thoughts arent controlling me and making me feel awful, because then i cant find the physical energy when i am mentally feeling so low). I am not the only one who exercises often, it feels like you judge me because of my past... i am open that i have had an eating disorder and open that i struggled with an exercise compulsion, but that doesnt mean that i can't get better. But it feels like for those of you struggling who feel like you can never break free, like there is no healthy or balance. No way that you could do exercise for fun or without it being a chore, then you project that onto me and assume that i am the same way. But you can break free, you can break free from your eating disorder or illness. But it takes time and hard work... thats what many dont realise, they dont want to put in the work, they dont want to fight the anxiety, they dont want to break their routines or habits. For me, i had to stop exercising completely... i had to be in wheelchairs to stop me from walking- I had to fight the anxiety and the fear and then begin again with exercise, begin to listen to my body... to realise that not working out didnt change my body and that i didnt need to workout so that i could eat. And i tried different forms to find what i truly enjoy, and i now enjoy a whole bunch of different things and its an enjoyment.
   It is important to remember that i have grown up being active.... we have had 2 dogs my whole life, so lots of walks, bouncing on the trampoline and always running around because i could never sit still even as a child. And then i also played basketball several times a week as well as matches and began running and walking and doing yoga. My mum is a yoga teacher and does yoga atleast once a day and she also has classes where she does yoga again, so i have been raised as an active child, i have been raised eating vegetables, tofu and beans with some chips or candy on weekends. I have been raised doing exercise evervday 1) for my CF (because if i dont exercise i notice after a few days just how hard it is to breathe, and really my doctors suggest me to run or swim 3-6 times a week. But i mainly do strength training, and if i just strength train for a longer period of time without cardio then my lung function i.e space in my lungs decreases quite a bit and it is much harder to breathe.) So do remember that i have medical reasons to exercise as well as it being an enjoyment. It is something i have always done and always will do, its not a way to shape my body because if it was... i would look differently. But i dont try to shape my body, i do what i enjoy try to focus on improving on certain things or just going there to move my body.

But back to the main topic.... even if your thoughts are one way, doesnt mean that everyone else thinks that way.

I now know that when people go to the bathroom after meals, its because they need to use the bathroom... not to purge. When people say no to food offered, maybe they arent hungry, maybe they dont like the food or cant eat the food, or maybe yes... they are on a diet, but who cares. And when people exercise often, well thats their choice and its only when it becomes several hours a day and people say no to other things to exercise that you might be able to tell that there is a problem. But exercising often doesnt automatically mean that someone is doing it as a compulsion or due to an illness.


This was what i had to write and my thoughts. Remember... dont hate others because they have what you dont. Instead, let them inspire you. If people are happy and smiling and you are struggling each day and feeling sad.... why not let those people inspire you to also smile and be happy. And like mentioned above... everyone is different and just because you have an eating disorder and controlled by an eating disorder doesnt mean that everyone else has one too. And just because you dont believe that full recovery is possible, doesnt mean it is not true.

2 comments:

  1. :)
    I liked this. I'm sorry you get negative comments :( But you are handling it well.

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  2. ah hun you don't need to explain yourself or prove you are well. i too have always been an active person i competitively swam as a child and we'd do lots of walking, sports as a family. i love it but then took it too extremes so now i am having to do very little and this upsets me so so much cos i love sport and its me and not my eating disorder and now i just feel depressed cos I'm not doing something i love. do you have any advice, at the mo I'm just doing yoga and a gentle swim and not much walking but its really getting me down.

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