Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Friday, October 9, 2015
Days when you hate yourself *negative post*
Yesterday was a day where I absaloutly hated myself. And it was not a physical hate, but just hating myself.... hating how I felt. Hating my behaviour , my actions, my thoughts, personality. It felt scary to felt that way, that incredible hate where I couldn't stand myself. I didn't want to. I didn't want to continue being me.... I didn't want to continue living and being myself. I hated myself for feeling this way.... and that made me feel even worse. Because shouldn't I be able to just turn that off? Just think, I an fine as i am. Sure we all have flaws but I shouldn't have to disappear, but I could not think that way at all. Instead I was stuck in a bubble of self hate and did not know what to do with myself. Instead I had to keep myself calm and keep trying to think rationally and know that those feelings will pass and that acting irrationally or spontaneously on such strong feelings would not have been good.
One thing which scares me though is that recently I was talking to my boyfriend and mentioned the fact that I would never cheat on him and he said he wasn't worried about that, but he was more worried that I would do something stupid and the unfortunate thing is that I couldn't say anything against that. I knew I couldn't promise him that I wouldn't do anything stupid, because I already have at times. And I don't make promises I can't hold. I know I can promise him that I won't cheat but I can't promise him that I won't do anything stupid and that scares me... Because sometimes I feel like I will end up really hurting him and not in the sense of cheating, but by doing something stupid to myself. It scares me at times to have a relationship and to feel this way,because I know it isn't fair to him... I know he could find someone so much better than me. Someone who didn't have my problems. But also that I don't want to end up hurting him because of myself... its these types of thoughts I have sometime. I feel it's a bit like "it's not you... its me" because the truth is, it is me.... but I know I won't be this way forever but for now I just feel bad for everyone who is around me and I don't understand why they would want to spend time with me when I can at times hate myself so much.
I know this post isnt very positive or inspiring and not what i post so often on here, but i felt that i needed to write this out. Get it out of my system and thoughts, but also be honest on here. Not everyday is a good day. And that was yesterday... today its more of a physical hating myself, but these types of days are easier - i dont have them so often, and disliking my body is easier to cope with than the days when i truly hate myself and cant stand to be me anymore. Hopefully one day, soon these thoughts will be gone and i can be happy about myself and life again. For now, just taking each day as it comes and trying to find the positives about each day.