Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Answers - personal, exercise, caffeine,

What motivates you with your exercise? Do you have any goals?

My motivation is enjoyment... thats what makes me do it. If i am not motivated then it is for a reason such as being too tired or not eaten enough or just my body needs a little break from exercise, so then i dont workout. I am motivated to exercise 98% of the time and that 2% of the time when i amnt, then i dont.. because exercise is about fun and enjoyment but if i force myself to go to the gym or run when i dont want to... then it will just feel wrong and i will feel worse afterwards rather than if i had just not done it at all. 
Of course not everyday is it easy to get up and leave the house, somedays the hardest part is leaving the house but once i begin it is alot of fun!

Do i have any goals? Not at the moment... i dont have any "weight" goals and havent been practising on pull ups or chin ups and havent been running either (Or not so much anyway) so dont have any of those types of goals. Though i sort of feel that its time to start making progress now... i have been increasing my weights and such but at the same time i have just sort of "stood still" and done the same thing often, mostly because its fun and also because i havent felt the need to change. But now i feel i want to make progress in my strength and not just stand still any longer!! So its good for me to write up this goal, and i'll see by the end of the year if anything has changed, haha.

How many energy drinks do you drink a day? How much coffee?

I hate these types of questions -_- Hmm, it all depends but maybe one energy drink a day... and sometimes i have drank 3. But its usually just one or none and with coffee... it all depends. Sometimes 2-3 cups, othertimes all i drink is one energy drink the whole day. But i love the taste of coffee so i need to buy caffeine free coffee so that i can enjoy the taste and not stress my insides as i dont get any effect from coffee. :(

Drinking too much coffee isnt good and being caffeine addicted is even worse. My problem is that i enjoy drinking energy drinks and coffee too much, its the taste i am after, not so much the energy as i dont get much energy from them.

your birthday is soon what are you going to do ? what do you want for your birthday ? do you like birthdays ? do you feel old or young... because yu are turning 20 right .... ?

Alot of questions in one, haha.

Yeah its my birthday in roughly a month, a little... 5 weeks i guess? What i am going to do... the day of my birthday i will be in school, haha and then studying i guess. But the weekend before my birthday i might go for dinner with my friends and maybe go out dancing (depends if they can/want to) and then on the Sunday i might go for brunch with my family&boyfriend or it might be the weekend after my birthday, not so sure. Nothing special this year :) And no... i never like my own birthday, i get more excited for other peoples birthdays. I was super excited for my boyfriends birthday and reminded him a little too often that it was his birthday soon... hahah. But for my own birthday, im not so excited. Though turning 20 is sort of special for me... its just never something i thought would happen for me. I know it sounds weird, but i just havent thought i would live that long due to everything. Either i thought my eating disorder would kill me or i would commit suicide or my CF would put me in hospital and such before i ever reached 20.... so i guess reaching that age is a sort of goal of mine. Not sure what to be excited for after that, haha.

What do i want? I have had so many people ask me this and i dont know... or i guess there are things i want but i always feel uncomfortable telling people. I dont like people buying me stuff (apart from food... people can always buy me food), but when it comes to material things it always feels weird and i feel like i cant accept it. It feels weird when people give me presents or gifts because i dont feel worthy of them... Ive always been like that, even when i was a child. And i once cried and had a very silly "crying session" because my mum wanted me to open my presents infront of everyone and that is one of the worst things i know....

But what do i want? Ive been thinking about it because people have been asking me what i want for my birthday and Christmas, so why not have a list ready or something?

Getting my hair cut and coloured professionally... i cant remember the last time i did this, so it would be kind of nice.
Make up... i never buy this for myself, i have other things to spend money on.
Calvin Klein underwear - super duper comfortable.
Socks without holes... if you know me, then you know that i always have holes in my socks.
A training trip somewhere warm where you have lots of workouts for a week. This is a dream of mine!!
Lorna Jane workout clothes (they are so comfortable!)

fun questions: what's it like living in Sweden? how does it compare with Ireland? 
I like living in Sweden alot more. I feel that my type of lifestyle and the way i want to live my life suits alot better in Sweden than in Ireland but i also feel that there are more opportunities! I also like the freedom that there is living in the city, its easier to get places and do things and not just rely on buses or being driven everywhere. Ireland is a nice place but it is not somewhere i feel like living. I lived in the country so i guess its not the best comparison as everything was very restricted out there but also i was just a child, but i felt back then that Ireland was too small for me.. i wanted to be somewhere bigger, where things happen and you can be grown up and mature, not have to rely on others. Maybe if i lived in Dublin i would have had other thoughts, but like mentioned above... i feel that my way of living and thinking suits alot better in Stockholm than out in the country in Ireland.

you've told us about your boyfriend, what about your mum and sister, who sound lovely? 
Hmmm... what to write about them, haha.

My mum has always been like a sort of "rock" for me. The person who has always believed me and rooted for me. Been there when i needed her (Mostly, though there was a time when she did sort of give up on me as she found it so tough to have me home and to have to deal with my daily arguments and behaviours) but she did all she could to help me, and she still does. I would say that i have a good relationship with my mum, it could be worse but once again i am not the type of person to open up and talk. So i know that she would do everything to help me but if i dont talk about my problems she cant help. She is the type of person who goes out of her way to help if she can. She also believes alot in alternative medicine and herbal remedies so i have grown up takings lots of different things and drinking the worst tasting things. She is a yoga teacher so does yoga and meditation daily and is also a health coach and does analysis on people and then gives advice on what they should change to feel better and also gives alternative options to medicine. Not everyone believes in that and thats ok, but i do.... i always try to take herbal remedies rather than other medicines (which is kind of strange because i am on all types of weird medicine for my CF. But if i can i take other options which help). My mum is just a really kind person and i am glad that she is my mum!

My sister... she is the one who can always make me laugh. But also the one who can make me so angry that i want to slam doors..... the kind of typical sister relationship i guess. We are close, but at the same time not. I have always admired her make up and hair skills, she is very good at those things and i wish i had the patience and time for those... but i would rather just put on some mascera and concealer and put my hair in a ponytail. So i am usually the sister who looks like a mess in photos as i dont care much for clothes or my apperance, while my sister always has great clothes, hair and make up (as does my mum!). My sister is very caring, but things can affect her alot. I know she still holds some anger and resentment towards me for all my years that i was sick and what i put my family through.... those things affected her alot and she is the one is the most analyzing of me and questions me on things. At first i found it annoying, but now i know its just because she cares and she rarely questions me about things anymore.
  But like said, she can always make me laugh and we do have a good relationship however we dont see each other so often as she works or studies long days and then im usually gone in the evenings and such but we try to workout together as often as we can as that is our sort of bonding time. And also some evenings have movie or serie nights together  :)

what is your favourite scenery/landscape?
I love water.... water scares me a little, but it so beautiful at the same time. But also i have seen photos from Norway and i must say, it is absaloutly beautiful there!

closer to the topic of your blog: do you think there should be mental health education in schools? if so, what kind and at what age? or maybe it already exists in Sweden?

Yes i definitely do..

^^I tried to find a better picture, but that quote anyway.

There are alot of people struggling and growing up is tough... even younger ages are dealing with depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders. If that doesnt scare you, i dont know what will. I mean when i was in hospital there were two 8 year olds there for a short period of time. An 8 year old dealing with an eating disorder, that is terrifying. Granted, i was around 11 when my behaviours began but it should not be that way. Not that i am saying that people older should have to deal with it, not at all... but i believe that adolescents and teenagers do need to learn about mental health and mental illnesses. Learn how to cope with anxiety, self hate, stress etc because it is all about coping mechanisms. If you begin to self harm due to stress then you end up in that negative cycle when instead maybe you could have began with meditation or talking to someone direct.

Before i even became sick i had no idea what anorexia or depression was. I didnt even know i was self harming despite the fact that i was cutting myself... it was just a way for me to feel physical pain. I didnt know what or how i was feeling, but now i know when i am feeling anxious, stressed or panicked and i know what to do about it to cope. And i think people of all ages so learn healthy coping mechanisms but also about symptoms and signs so that they could be aware of them. For example, at first my friends asked me why i wasnt eating lunch  in school and they asked for a few weeks but then they stopped because it was just "Normal" that i didnt eat.... but that was one of the first signs that my behaviour wasnt healthy and if people had been aware of eating disorders then maybe someone would have picked up on the fact that i never ate and was beginning to get skinnier.

In general i feel like mental illnesses are "taboo" and its better to say you are going to a doctors appointment rather than therapy or to hide your scars, fears and illnesses... dont talk about them. Becuase i do believe that there is still the stereotype that people suffering from mental illnesses are crazy and will walk around with knives and attack people, when in all honesty people with mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD etc they are more likely to harm themselves than to harm others and they arent crazy, and shouldnt be made to feel guilty for the fact that they are struggling.

Ok, so this was a really long post... didnt realise there were so many questions, haha!! But i will get round to the other questions as soon asi can :)


  1. Izzy, you are lovely, and this is a lovely post. Thank you.
    I hope one day you will no longer feel that sense of unworthiness for presents and things. I am SO HAPPY that you did reach the age of 20 (nearly) and I wish you many long years of growing strength and happiness and wholeness ahead. Thank you for all these beautiful, thoughtful, personal posts.

  2. One of the things I love most about norway is definitely the landscape. it takes my breath away over and over again, and the scenery at the cabin is pure paradise :)
    ...but, Sweden is a lot better at their selection and prices on food and groceries! Jealous of you guys for that :)