Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, October 24, 2015

Answers - medication, eating disorders

I feel that you are against the use of anti depressants for depression- why is that? Are you afraid that you might get hooked on them?
Im not against anti depressants, i believe that everyone has to make the choice that suits them and i choose to not use them. I have never used them myself, so i dont really know how they will affect me but from what i understand they can make you feel numb where you neither feel happiness or sadness. And i guess at times i would like to just feel numb... to feel nothing, but at the same time i dont think completely shutting off the feelings and trying to "hide" them or run from the problem is going to help me. I much rather need to get to the root of things and face the actual problem, what is is that has caused me to feel this way. Because it is like weeds... sure you can cut off the top of them but eventually they will grow back if you dont pull out their roots.

While i was in Ireland and Mando and was struggling with depression, combined with my eating disorder i took St Johns wort (a herb) which my mum wanted me to take as both her and my dad were aginst anti depressants. Did it cure me from depression, of course not but i dont know how effective it was either as my depression was combined with my eating disorder, but the herb is supposed to help with mild to moderate depression (Source: X ) And i have been thinking about taking it, however i am also on birth control and the herb can effect the absorption and use of birth control so its an "either or", i cant take them both. But i think i want to try to get to the root of things before i begin with medication, and this is MY CHOICE. I dont think any differently of people who use medication, everyone can do what is best for them and i am sure medication can help :)

Any advice on Laxative abuse [that's been long-term] and how to finally get off laxatives for good? I know u haven't had trouble with this yourself -- but it's an unhealthy coping mechanism/ addictive. 

I have had some problems with laxative abuse myself but it has never been anything longterm but i know how awful it is to be stuck using them and to also "Overdose" on laxatives. That is one of the worst stomach pains ive been through. I have a post about laxative abuse HERE

But if you have been using laxatives for a long time it can really mess up your bowl system and also your digestive system and so you might actually be dependant on laxatives. But i would suggest cutting down, i dont know how much you use per day/week? But if you can try to cut down and instead add fiber rich food to your diet and if you find that you arent going to the bathroom and you have cut down on laatives then add in crushed pysllium seeds. You mix them with water and it becomes a sort of jelly which some might find repulsive but its just to drink it down and know that it works... or add psyllium seeds to yoghurt or oatmeal or add crushed psyllium seeds to oatmeal (and lots of extra water otherwise it becomes eelly like, but it does increase in volume when you do this).

It's not easy to stop when you have an addiction to something, but try to remember the consequences of laxative abuse and also know that if you are using laxatives to try to "negative the calories" eaten or so they wont be absorped.... that is not how they work. Laxatives dont begin working until the end stages of digestion and by the time food has mostly been absorbed. And if you are doing it for the "empty feeling" well then you need to question the fact why you want to feel "empty" and try to work on that.

If you are dependant on laxatives  and you use them because you cant go to the bathroom otherwise, then like mentioned above i would suggest adding fiber rich food into your diet, lots and lots of water (and maybe prunes or prune juice) and maybe some walks and cutting down on laxatives to eventually none... but if you have to just every second or third day. And give it time, when you use laxatives very oten you become dependant on it... but its better to use more "Natural" laxatives if you have to... or preferbly none at all, but your digestive system and bowl system might be a little "slow" and hence need that extra bit of help.

I would also suggest going to a doctor to see if your body is doing ok and taking some blood samples or other tests, just to make sure. Using laxatives too often or too much isnt good. But try to know why you use them... i.e whether its because you think you have to, or you want to negate food eaten or you want an empty feeling... but whatever your reason try to change your thoughts mentally and thenfind healthy ways of coping if you feel anxious or guilty about not using laxatives. But make the choice to change then stick to that choice and even if you slip up, keep trying to stick to that goal!

do you or did you consider ed as you or a separate person? i don't know what to think anymore. if its me then why can't i just let it go?

Even if i say that you need to "let go" or take "the leap of faith" it reallly isnt as easy as that. I dont know what i consider the eating disorder, for me personally it never felt like myself.... i could look into my eyes and i didnnt see me. I just saw darkness and the things i did and the things i said it just wasnt "me" but at the same time i cant use that as an excuse and say that everything i said and did was just due to someone else controlling me... because it isnt as simple as that. It is something in the mind, a chemical imbalance or something and so it is "You" but it is a very negative and destructive part of "You". Its you... but not the real you. And recovey is about finding back to the "real you" and the healthy you. Not the destructive,controlling and negative "you".... if this makes sense. When i was sick i once wrote a post called "2 sides of me" or something like that, i tried to find the post but i couldnt. Basically i wrote how it felt like there were 2 sides of me.... one side wanted the chcolate and to sit and enjoy it and the other side told me to not buy the chocolate and go out and walk instead and it was that constant battle in my head where the negative side always won.

Recovery is about getting stronger, mentally and physically (healthier). It is about overcoming the battle in your mind and winning the battle. Facing your fears as that makes YOU stronger and your eating disorder weaker. You need to go against and do the opposite of that negative and controlling voice, it is the only way to recover. Recovery isnt about "Letting go of a balloon" more like trying to pull yourself out of quick sand.... the more you move and try to escape the more you get pulled down. But instead you need to take small steps and small movements forward so that you can break free from the quciksand (I.e eating disorder grips). And to completely let go you need to fight all the fears, not have a voice in your controlling you or making you feel guilty for eating or resting. Its about making choices each day to do the opposite of your eating disorder and know that even if its tough, it is worth it and it will give results.

People maye have different opinions on this so feel free to comment if you think the ED is "you" or a separte "person"

This one will sound silly, but what is your advice on rumbling stomachs? It's very hard to control it for hours whilst at school. (It doesn't rumble because of emptiness, I've been a healthy weight for two months now). I know restricting isn't an option, but it's more and more tempting because it'd stop it. It's very uncomfortable to not be able to focus and relax because I know it might make loud noise ;/ really silly sorry, but it bothers me so much and causes anxiety. 

Restricting and eating less wont make the noise and rumbling go away, if anything it will mean that your stomach will rumble because of hunger and that will distract you even more. In the evenings my stomach usually makes alot of noice even though i have eaten. I remember when i first met my boyfriend and began spending evenings at his place and my stomach would rumble and make noise all the time even if we had eaten and i just had to laugh because there was nothing i could do about it and there was nothing to feel ashamed about either. It means your stomach is working and digesting... or maybe you have gas in your stomach which can make it runmble.

In class i know it can be annoying if it is super quiet and then your stomach rumbles.... i've had that happen several times and then it is due to hunger But try not to feel self conscious about that, infact sometimes you hear and notice it more than others. I have had friends tell me that there stomach was rumbling in classs and even though i sat beside then i didnt hear it at all. And really, its just a normal bodily function, its nothing to feel ashamed about. From my own experience, it wont be like that forever... it might just be a period of time where your stomach makes more noise, and in all honesty if you feel stressed and self conscious about it, it will most likely mean that your stomach makes more noise. 
Another note, you might want to look into what you eat that makes your stomach rumble... it could be that maybe you are intolerant to something? Though that often means you feel gassy and bloated, but it can make your stomach cramp or make noises.. But try not to feel self conscious about this, instead relax and if anyone says anything just laugh... i mean there is nothing you can do about it, unless you want to start coughing or sneezing really loudly to cover it up? But i feel like that would be a little worse.....

Dont restrict, trust me it wont help youand it wont make the noise go away. It can be good to instead ask yourself why it bothers you so much and why it is triggering thoughts of restriction... there might be something you need to work with there?


  1. Did/does the birth control have side effects on you? I know that hormonal functioning can be very fragile among recovered women so I figured there might be some issues in using those products (especially when many get those problems even without an ed history). I might need to get on the pill for hormone disfunctional reasons but that's not the point I want to concentrate on.

    1. Well it is hormones and can have different side effects. The best thing is to try different methods of birth control and find the one that works for you. The only side effect I've noticed is that I don't get my period anymore but I have wondered whether the birth control has lead to my depression or made it worse anyway... but I don't know. I was very worried about starting birth control incase I would get mood swings or such bit I just feel sad so no mood swings. Other side effects I noticed is lower libido... but that might be due to depression (?) But if your taking them due to changing hormones then that might not be such a problem if it is an effect you notice. But everyone is different and reacts differently... The best thing is to write down how you feel when you take them and if you notice any changes and try another typ orlf birthday control if the first doesn't work :)

    2. Hey Izzy, just wanted to let you know that I was on birth control from Dec. last year until July this year and it caused a relapse in my depression and made me feel very low all the time. When I got off of them I felt much, much better, and it was then that I realised it was BC making me feel so unlike myself.

  2. Firstly, I'd like to thank you so much for answering my question and for the advice! Secondly, regarding one's ED as being a 'separate person', I would say that all the negativity/ controlling/ destructive isn't 'me' at all. When weight goes up, eating better, thoughts/ actions all positive in life -- then this is 'me' [or it feels like the 'real me' trying to break free!]. Thirdly, thanks to above advice changes have begun..

    Thank you X

  3. It's very contradicting when you say you know depression is a serious illness but at the same time you want to get to the root of the problem- implying there's an event or reason for it. Because that's just it, depression is a mental illness due to biological disruption- changes in brain structure, chemical imbalances... Sure there might be triggers for it but the root of the problem is biological and chemical. The assumption that antidepressants make you numbe is complete taboo and misguided and so very rarely happens. You say it's a "cover up" for the "root of the problem" which is like saying medication for diabetes or chemo for cancer is a cover up for the true causes of the illness. I'm not saying you have no experience of depression, I'm saying you have no understanding of what mental illness and especially depression truly is and what causes it as well as the biological reasons for it and what treatment truly does. Your aplroach is "positive thinking" and looking for the route of a problem which is more of a cover up than admitting it's a physical illness.

    1. Actually, Izzy is right. When I was in treatment for my mental disorders (discharged now), medication was only used to calm me down so that I could focus in therapy to find what is causing the problems and work on recovery. Chemo is a treatment for cancer because it is a physical illness, and depression is a mental disorder. If it could be cured by medication, why would people get therapy for it? It seems like it's you who is uneducated/ misinformed, not Izzy.